Forget to remember
by pawsandviolins
Summary: What if you didn't remember her? What if you didn't remember yourself? If you had to start over, would you make the same decisions? Would you end up in the same place?
1. Chapter 1

_AUTHOR'S NOTE:_

 _So, I know it's been a long time since Gail and Holly have graced our screens. But I found this story I started ages ago and decided to share it with you nevertheless, instead of just erasing it._

 _This story is very... generous... when it comes to medical accuracy or the precise timeline of the show. Just bear with me :-)_

 _I apologise for any mistakes and am always grateful for recommendations on how to improve my English! (It's not my first language...)_

* * *

Slowly, there was light. Her eyelids were heavy, felt like they were glued together, but she managed, with major effort, to bring them apart. She smelled coffee and disinfectants, heard the murmur of voices in the distance. Suddenly, they fell silent. A shadow entered her field of vision to her left, and her left hand was enveloped in warmth. She blinked several times, hearing her name, several times, each time sounding a little closer, a little clearer.

„Gail." The first thing she saw was her mouth, uttering her name, then her glasses, the brown eyes behind them, before she managed to take in the brunette's face as a whole, a few tears making their way down her cheeks, her lips parted in a wide smile, concerned but happy.

Then she detected movement by the foot of her bed and eyed the source. Of course. Her brother. He was standing there, his eyes watery, smiling and nodding at her proudly, as if she had just achieved something great. She managed a weak smile in his direction and looked back and forth between the two visitors before she tried to sit up a little. The brunette immediately tried to help, arranging the pillow behind her back, while her brother rushed to her right-hand sight, lifting her up. She was quite weak, she noticed, and though she hated needing help, she realized that it was necessary.

"You're awake. How are you feeling? Are you in pain?" Her voice was soft, almost calm, but not really. Gail could tell that she had a hard time holding herself back, could hear the urgency in her voice, the urge to ask her a million questions, assess every inch of her in a matter of seconds. Her hand combed through her hair, her thumb traced her brow, her checks, her chin, before her hands encircled Gail's again. She looked over at her brother and opened her mouth to say something, only to produce uncontrolled coughing. After a few sips of water and several further attempts she finally whispered, at a volume that Holly could hear without trouble.

"You know she's really hot, and all, but I think this girl is a little too attached for my taste." They both laughed and Steve commented her statement with an amused "Yep. She's back."

Just when she wanted to protest, the door flew open and a nurse entered.

"Doctor Stewart, your lab just called, they want..."

"Tell them to call someone else." The brunette interrupted her.

"But they said..." she tried again.

"I'm not available!" the doctor snapped and with that, the nurse was out the door.

"Ah. _Doctor_ Stewart." Gail grinned, pointing at the brunette to her left. She released her hand from the brunette's hold, ran it through her hair, looked around the room and cleared her throat.

"Where's Nick?" Her brother knitted his eyebrows together and shook his head. "What?"

"Nick. I'm not sure what happened, but since it looks like I'm in a hospital bed and have for sure just barely avoided death, hat prick should be here." She insisted.

All of a sudden, the doctor turned on her heels and stormed out. "Holly!?" Steve shouted after her, having no idea what was going on.

Holly returned a few minutes later with a doctor who went through a series of tests with her and shone a light in her eyes a little more often than she cared for. In the meantime, her parents and Traci had arrived, and they were all lined up across from her bed.

"What is your name?" the doctor asked.

"Gail Peck." the blonde answered, a little annoyed.

"Your _full_ name." Gail rolled her eyes.

" _Abbygail Marianne_ Peck." After each question, the doctor exchanged a quick look with Holly. She replied with a "yes and no" gesture.

"When is your birthday?"

"November 2nd, 1986." Holly nodded and the doctor took notes.

"How old are you?"

"You're a doctor, you do the math." Gail threw back, while Holly just chuckled and shrugged.

"Can you tell me who these people are?"

"Sure." The blonde answered, bored and annoyed at the same time.

"Doctor Stewart. _Holly_. My mom and dad, Elaine and Bill Peck. My brother, Steve. And..." She stopped talking abruptly when she saw Traci placing a brief kiss on Steve's lips.

" _EEEEwwww!_ Traci!" she shouted, and both her and her brother jumped at the little outburst.

"What the hell are you doing with my brother?" The blonde scrunched up her face in disgust and bewilderment.

"Uhm..." Traci's eyes darted around the room, trying to find some explanation in the others' faces.

"You'd think you would've gotten used to it by now", the dark haired woman replied with a smirk after having composed herself again. Gail just shook her head vigorously.

"How long was I out for? And what about Jerry? I thought you were getting married?!" The silence and tension that filled up the room from one moment to the next was palpable, almost insufferable. Everyone was holding their breath, nobody moved, as if they were turned into stone. Gail wasn't really sure what she said. No-one was really sure what she said. Even the doctor fell silent, looking around the room, trying to figure out what had just happened.

After a long silence, Holly spoke, her voice unsteady.

"Gail? What year is it?"

"2012" The blonde stated the obvious.

"Now can you _please_ stop asking these questions and leave me the hell alone and get Nicholas here!" Gail was agitated, to say the least, and after dealing out the death stare to everyone, they reluctantly left her room. Except for Steve, who approached his sister once more.

"Have you called him? Nick?" Her tone was challenging, as if she knew that of course he hadn't. Steve had never been overly fond of Nick. She knew that, and she even understood why.

"Not yet." He shook his head, his gaze facing downward.

"Would you _please_ do so?" She understood why, but she was still allowed to make her own choices, wasn't she?

"Gail, what's up with you and Nick anyway? Why do you keep insisting I call him?" He didn't understand. Well, of course he did, but he just refused to believe it.

"Seriously? Because I think that, as my boyfriend, he should fucking be here."

"Your boyfriend?" Steve realized he was getting angry with his sister. Not that he had any right to. Not that she could do anything about it. But still, he was angry.

"Well, sort of boyfriend. I think. Look, I know you've never liked him. But it's time to get the fuck over yourself, alright?" Steve nodded, then shook his head.

"So, if he's your boyfriend, what about Holly?" He challenged her one more time. It couldn't be. It couldn't be that she didn't remember _Holly_.

"What about Holly?" Gail seemed to have no idea what he was talking about.

"Holly... is your _wife_?!" He said through gritted teeth, earning a laugh from Gail.

"Yeah, right. Good one, Steve." She hit his arm playfully with her fist. "Now would you _please_ just call Nick and get him here."

She let her head drop back into her pillow, signaling that this conversation was over, so Steve just nodded and left her room dejectedly.

He found his parents and Traci in the seating area, his mother interrogating the doctor, who just kept saying that it was too soon to say anything, that he needed to do more tests, that he was sorry but he couldn't say more at the moment. That she needed a lot of rest, and that they weren't supposed to ask her too many questions, tell her too many things about the last few years, in order to try and not to confuse her any more.

"Holly?" He asked Traci in a whisper and his fiancée pointed at the restrooms. He nodded and started towards the door, stopping in his tracks for a few seconds before entering the ladies room. There was only one stall occupied and one woman standing at the sink. He gave her an apologetic look and pointed towards the sobs coming from the closed stall door. The woman nodded in understanding, wiped her hands dry and left. He approached the door slowly and knocked.

"Holly?" There was no answer. Not that he had expected one. He just wanted her to know he was here. "I'm sorry", he whispered and leaned against the wall next to Holly's stall, silent angry tears running down his face. After several minutes, Holly opened the door and stepped out, her eyes puffy, her mascara smudged and marking the paths her tears had taken down her cheeks.

She crashed into him, burying her face in his shirt and wrapping her hands around his shoulders, letting him carry her weight while she sobbed without restraint. Every now and then, she tried to voice her despair, her anger, her helplessness, but all that came out were incoherent, muffled scraps that Steve could hardly make out – although he could imagine the gist of it.

He couldn't tell how long it had been, but eventually, Holly's sobs died down. She stepped away towards the sink and splashed her face with cold water. Over and over again. She looked up and regarded herself in the mirror for a long while, before she wiped of the last traces of mascara under her eyes, put her glasses back on and turned around to face Steve. She took a deep breath and then nodded, to herself mostly, Steve guessed.

"She just woke up. This doesn't have to mean anything. Things might look completely different tomorrow. Or in a couple of days. It's all going to be alright. Right?" She looked at Steve, a fierceness in her eyes that didn't manage to cover up the insecurity and the desperation she was really engulfed with.

"Right. Right, let's not worry unless we have to." He nodded. He was worried. Way past worried at this point. But it was what Holly needed to hear, and maybe what he needed to tell himself as well.

By the time Nick entered her room, she was already on the verge of falling asleep again, too tired to show any kind of enthusiasm. She greeted him with a brief "Hey" and he replied likewise before he sat on the edge of her bed, took her hand in his and wiped a few strands of hair from her face. His touch was warm and gentle and made her irritatingly uncomfortable.

"I'm tired. I'm sorry." she said, barely able to keep her eyes open.

"It's ok. It's ok." His thumb drew patterns on her hand. She wanted him to stop but was too weak to move.

"I called you, but you didn't answer. I left you a voicemail." She muttered, half asleep already.

"Shhh. Get some rest. I'll be back tomorrow."


	2. Chapter 2

_AUTHOR'S NOTE:_

 _Thanks to everyone for the encouraging feedback! You guys really made my day :-)_

 _I basically have the whole story written to the end. There are just a few bits and pieces missing in between. So I can tell you that there definitely will be several more chapters and I should be able to update regularly (unless I get stuck with one of those bits and pieces...)._

 _Hope you enjoy the next chapter!_

* * *

The next day brought on a series of tests, more questions, more lights in her eyes, and a lot of time to think in between. About the night before, for example. In light of all the tests they did, she wasn't sure if she was maybe going crazy, but something certainly was up with her head. So maybe, it was just a dream. A hallucination. Maybe. But she could have sworn that every time she woke up during the night, she saw the brunette sleeping in the chair in the corner of her room. In the morning, though, she was gone.

Due to the long day she'd had, she wasn't allowed any visitors in the evening, except for Holly. Doctor Stewart. Who had been there all night. She also couldn't stop thinking about what her brother said. That she was her wife. It made no sense. No sense at all. But what if it was true? Even for her brother, that would be a weird joke to make. And seeing Nick certainly didn't live up to her expectations. So. Probably, she was going crazy.

As if on cue, Holly walked into her room. Slowly, tentatively. She rounded her bed and went to stand by the window, leaning against the window sill and eying Gail with worry. Her wife? Really?

"Hey?" Gail was the first to speak.

"Hey. I just... I wanted to see how you were doing." It wasn't a question, so Gail didn't answer, and there were a few long moments of silence.

"Well, you saw." Gail finally said, pointing up and down herself and Holly nodded, approaching the foot and of Gail's bed.

"Do you need anything?"

"Yeah. For people to fucking stop asking me questions!" She was frustrated. And she knew that the brunette wasn't the one to blame, but she kind of embodied everything that frustrated her right now.

"Ok. Well, if you _do_ need anything, just ask the nurses and they'll let me know." Her voice was still friendly and she finished with a smile. "Try and get some rest, Gail." The brunette briefly touched Gail's shin before starting towards the door.

"Wait!" Gail stopped her and the brunette turned around, as Gail sat up.

"Nobody seems to want to tell me anything around here. So... If I ask you a few questions, do you promise to give me an honest answer?"

Holly nodded and came to sit on the edge of Gail's bed. Just like Nick did. Just that the brunette didn't sit all that close, didn't encroach upon the blonde's personal space, didn't trap her hand in hers. "What do you want to know?"

"What's wrong with me? Am I going crazy?" Compared to just a few seconds ago, Gail seemed so small and vulnerable all of a sudden, that it broke Holly's heart a little.

"No! No. You're not going crazy Gail. Of course not." She briefly took her hand to comfort the blonde, but released it right away when she noticed Gail flinch just a little.

"Then what's going on?" She enquired further.

"We... We're not supposed to tell you. Yet. The doctors want to..." She saw Gail's death glare again and fell silent. She sighed and spoke again.

"It's... The doctors say, it's a form of amnesia. Caused by head trauma." Gail took a deep breath. She didn't really know whether she should be alarmed or relieved. At least she was not going crazy.

"How long... How much time am I missing?" Her question was tentative, almost as if she didn't want to know.

"Gail, I really shouldn't..."

"How much?!" She interrupted the brunette fiercely.

"From what we know so far, about..." Holly breathed deeply before continuing. "About five years."

Gail froze and stared at Holly, mouth agape. As the information sunk in, her eyes were flooded with tears and she couldn't help but let them fall.

"I'm sorry." Holly whispered, at a loss for what else to say or do.

After a few minutes, Gail collected herself and wiped the tears from her face. Now that they were here already, she had to ask the next question, too.

"So. Who are you?" The brunette knitted her eyebrows together.

"I'm Holly."

"Yeah yeah, that I know." Gail gestured back and forth between the two of them. "Who are we... to each other?"

Holly eyed Gail for a long while before answering. "We... We're married. I'm your wife."

Gail nodded contemplatively. "I'm not wearing a ring." She held up her hand.

"Yeah, they... They probably took it off for your surgery. It should be in one of the drawers with the rest of your personal belongings." Holly pointed at the trolley next to Gail's bed while the blonde wondered how she could not have looked in there yet.

She opened the first drawer and found a plastic bag that held, among other things, a ring. One that looked like a wedding ring, just like the one Holly was wearing on her left hand. Gail nodded again and a long silence fell between them.

"Look, I'm sorry, but... I don't _know_ you. So..." Gail let the conclusion hang in the air, but Holly understood.

"Yeah. Of course. I... I'll go." She stood up and straightened her jacket. "But... You know, Gail... _I_ know _you_. And I care about you. A lot. So... I would like to come back. If that's ok with you."

Gail looked up at the brunette, surprised that she would put herself in that vulnerable position. "I... I don't know." And again, Gail sounded small and fragile, helpless. She really didn't know. She assumed it was supposed to be ok. But she honestly didn't know if it was. She could see the hurt in Holly's eyes, but the brunette put on a brave face, a weak smile, and whispered her ok as she nodded.

"Get some rest", she managed to squeeze out with an unsteady voice as she turned and exited.

She sat there for a while, unmoving, while her thoughts were racing. _Amnesia. Holly. Wife. Five years. Nick._ It all seemed surreal. It was something that happened in movies. The kind of movies Gail would only scoff at. Some far-fetched vehicle for drama.

She opened the plastic bag and fished for the ring. She weighed it in the palm of her hand, brushed her fingers across the cold metal. Slowly, she slid it on her ring finger. It fit perfectly. Now that she looked closely, she could see a slight indentation on her finger, right where the ring would normally sit, and she noticed that the skin there was a tiny bit whiter – if that was even possible... _Plus one forever. 2016-05-30._ The inscription read. What date was it today? November 11th, 2017, the nurse told her.

She emptied the rest of the bag's contents onto the blanket covering her legs. There was her badge and police ID. _Detective Gail Peck._ Detective. Well, looks like her mother has finally gotten her way. She checked behind the police ID and found a 20-dollar-bill. Her driver's license and her social security card. _Abbygail Marianne Stewart Peck_. She read it several times. Yes, it really said Stewart Peck. In the same pocket, she found a strip from one of those photo booths. She must have been carrying that around for quite some time, judging by the worn-off edges, but it seemed to have been treasured and was neatly folded. They were two pictures of herself and Holly. Posing like... well, like she supposed people in love would. She hardly recognized herself. She noticed that the bottom edge was not cleanly cut, but apparently ripped off the other half. Maybe that was with Holly? She checked the back of the strip. _Kick ass and come home. I love you. xxx H_. She turned it to look at the photo once more, ghosting over those strangers' faces with her finger. A phone, the display broken. She still tried to turn it on. Nothing. Maybe the battery was dead? She made a mental note to ask for the charger. Two crumbled up pieces of paper. One was a receipt. Two burgers, fries, donuts, milk shakes. Sounded about right. The other one seemed to be a shopping list, but she didn't recognize the handwriting.

 _Milk_

 _Peanut butter_

 _Toast_

 _Oat flakes_

 _Greek Yoghurt_

 _Kale, Apples, Carrots (YUMMM! :P)_

 _Cheese puffs (We're almost out! Oh noooo!_ Next to it, a drawing of a panicked emoticon. _)_

 _Beer (Dito!_ Two panicked emoticons. _)_

 _Bacon_

 _Toothpaste_

 _Whatever you want for dinner (NOT something that can be "cooked" in a microwave!)_

 _Ice cream (You know which ones I like – surprise me_ _)_

Holly had obviously written that list and Gail realized that the comments and smiley faces inadvertently brought a smile to her face even though the domesticity reflected in the piece of paper seemed entirely strange to her.

She put down the list and stared at the items from the bag, realizing that – except for the burgers and donuts – basically _everything_ seemed strange to her. The life that all the items documented seemed strange to her. Hell, even her own face seemed strange to her! She threw everything back into the bag and put it back in the drawer where she found it, letting her head fall into the pillow. It had been a long day.


	3. Chapter 3

New day, more tests. She wasn't supposed to have too many visitors, should focus on resting. Her family came by briefly. They didn't say much of substance, didn't ask much, just made idle conversation. Just as the doctors ordered, she supposed. Nick came by, of course, since he wasn't allowed the day before.

Again, he took her hand, and again, it made her feel uncomfortable. Like that wasn't supposed to happen. This time though, she freed her hand from his, and he acted as though he hadn't noticed, keeping up their conversation. At least that worked, the banter. It was easy. But it was also false, in a way. So when he was rambling on about she couldn't remember what, Gail interrupted him.

"Nick. I look at you and I'm not mad." He looked at her somewhat puzzled.

"Ok. That's... good?" Was this about Andy? Did she remember after all?

"No it's not. Or well, maybe it is. I don't know. Depends on your perspective, I guess." Nick squinted at her, clearly lost.

"I used to love you as much as I hated you. And I used to want you as much as I was mad at you. You know?" He still looked lost and Gail sighed. That was just about the way she remembered it. He always seemed to get her. On the surface, at least. But whenever it really mattered, she realized that he had no idea.

"I look at you and I'm not mad, and I don't hate you, and so... I don't want you, I don't _love_ you, or anything like that. You're just this... this guy I've known for a long time. You could just as well be Dov." She drew in a breath and scrunched up her face. Even to her it sounded kind of cruel now that she said it.

"Wow!" He repeated and started chuckling. "I mean, I don't know what I expected. I... Wow."

"I'm sorry." she repeated and returned his grin. This she remembered. The way Nick used to handle her rejection. With a levity and casualness that made her doubt every single time whether he even cared, whether he really loved her or whether he took her seriously at all. Either option used to hurt her, used to add a crack to the already shaky foundation of their relationship. Today, it almost gave her some satisfaction. Holly was her wife. And even though she couldn't connect with that notion emotionally, even though she couldn't attach any deeper meaning to it, it still meant that, at some point, she had chosen to let Nick go. Knowing herself, she probably cheated on him with Holly. No matter what the details of their separation were, no matter what relationship Nick had moved on to (because, knowing _him_ , he certainly did), she had obviously moved on as well. She had gotten married. She had finally, from the looks of it, been happy. Without him. In that other life.

"Anyway, I seem to be a lesbian these days, so..." Gail just shrugged, not really sure where she was going with this.

"Oh, that you do. That you do." He nodded and leaned back in his chair. She let her gaze wander around her room for a while before she just stared into nowhere, shook her head and said "I got married. Can you believe that?"

"Not if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes. But yeah. You got married." He smiled at her, but she could see the hint of nostalgia and regret in his eyes.

"So you were there? At my wedding?" Her question was innocent, but her mind was already a few steps ahead.

"I was." He nodded.

"Showed up this time, huh?" They exchanged a disarming look, Gail knowing it was a cheap shot, Nick knowing it was deserved, both knowing there was no use in opening this can of worms.

"You know Holly, then?" She couldn't exactly tell why she was suddenly filled with such anger on Holly's behalf. She was just a stranger, after all.

"Yeah, of course I do." He had always been slow to catch on.

"So. I am sitting here, in a hospital bed, with amnesia due to an otherwise also pretty painful incident at work. My wife – whom I don't remember, whom you do know and remember though – is sitting who knows where, probably devastated that my memory of her and the past five years is apparently erased. And you think it's the right choice to come here and hold my hand and pretend to be my boyfriend? And you, what? You didn't think that anyone would ever tell me that actually five years had passed and we were definitely no longer dating?" She had a hard time wrapping her head around what just happened.

Nick stammered in response. "I... I don't know. I guess I wasn't really thinking about that at all."

"So, what would you have done if I had reciprocated your... advances?" She challenged him further.

"Honestly? I have _no_ idea. I just... When I heard you were asking for me..." He inhaled deeply. "It just seemed like, back then, from one day to the next, you stopped wanting me, stopped needing me, in any capacity. When you met her." He looked at her apologetically, clearly uncomfortable.

"So what? You thought you would come here to boost your ego? You do realize that that makes you kind of an ass?" She regarded him expectantly, eyebrows raised.

"Yeah, your brother let me know as much." They both had to laugh at that.

"Ah. I'm sure he did. Good big brother." After a while, her smile faded.

"Did Holly know about this?"

"Yeah. She... I guess she did." It's not like he asked for her permission. He just showed up. The first time he came to the hospital, he could see the conflict written on her face, on her body, so clearly. There was the fear of losing a Gail that couldn't even remember she existed. There was a spark in her eye that said _I will fight you if I have to_. A silent plea to him that they were friends, that he couldn't seriously be doing this to her. And mostly, resignation. The knowledge that ultimately, she had no say in this. That it was all up to Gail.

"I'm sure she could have kept you from seeing me. Seeing as she's next of kin and I'm clearly a little..." She made a circular movement with her finger, pointing at her head. "...out of it."

"Probably. But... That's not Holly." He nodded to himself and let his gaze drop to the floor, becoming more and more aware of the asshole he had been or was willing to be.

He wouldn't admit it when Gail and Holly first started dating, when it became clear that they were serious. How much it hurt his pride. Not because Holly was a woman. Not because Gail fell in love with someone else – not primarily, at least. It was the way in which Holly loved Gail. The way in which she trusted her. How she trusted in the fact that Gail loved her. And he envied how that changed the blonde. How having all that blind trust put in her, Gail became someone to trust blindly. Someone who didn't screw up. How by being loved so effortlessly, Gail turned into someone who loved unwaveringly in return.

They sat in silence for a long while, before Nick realized he had probably overstayed his welcome. The ease for small talk was gone, and apart from that there was nothing left to say, really.

...

Holly didn't come by all day. Well, what did she expect, after how she sent her off the day before? She probably wanted to give the blonde some space.

The next days were pretty much a blur. She was sleeping a lot, still tired from the extensive surgery, tired from all the psychological tests, tired from trying to remember. And tired from all the people stopping by, trying not to be too inquisitive and not to tell her all too much about the past five years, but increasingly failing at it. She could see their frustration growing with every single day, just like her own did. She knew they were trying to help, but they didn't. They couldn't.

She hardly spent any time with Holly, even though Holly certainly spent time with her. A lot of the times she woke up during her naps throughout the day, she saw Holly sitting in that chair, watching her, reading, sometimes having fallen asleep herself. And whenever she realized Gail was awake, she was "just quickly dropping in to see if you needed anything" or "just stopping by to bring you your iPod" or had "just been to a coffee shop and couldn't help but buy you a couple of donuts". She said her piece, left whatever she had to leave with Gail, and took off. She did that for almost week and Gail wasn't sure whether she found it funny, creepy, annoying or adorable.

Then, one day, she just stopped by. No pretext, no excuse, no sneaking in while Gail was sleeping. She sauntered into Gail's room with a smile on her face and a box in her hands.

"Hey." She greeted the blonde, and Gail was not impressed.

"Look. It's been a long day – long days, actually – and I really can't listen to one more person telling me who I am and how I'm supposed to feel and what I'm supposed to act like and..."

Her rant was cut short by Holly. "I thought we could just have a late lunch together." She produced the containers from the box and placed them on the trolley next to Gail's bed, noticing how the blonde eyed them greedily.

"You know we get food here, right?" She tried to sound annoyed but Holly knew very well that she was just trying to keep up appearances.

"A, that must have been like three hours ago, so you're probably already hungry again, B, I'm sure that the food here kind of sucks so you should be happy to get something decent for a change, C, your mouth is already watering just from the smell that is creeping through the tiny slits of the still closed containers, and D, even if A to C didn't apply, you would _never_ say no to Thai food." She was annoyed with the brunette's triumphant grin, but she couldn't say she was wrong.

"What is it, exactly?" Her attempt to seem cool and disinterested failed miserably.

"There's crab rolls, pad thai, red curry with beef and green curry with king prawns." Gail stared Holly down for a few moments before she rolled her eyes.

"Fine. You can stay. I need tools." Holly just grinned and handed her a disposable plate and a fork, pulling up a chair for herself while Gail was already digging in.

When Gail had finally arrived at eating like a normal person after practically inhaling her first helping Holly took the chance to make some conversation.

"So, how was your day?" She looked up at Gail who regarded her in disbelief?

"Seriously? I'm in a hospital. Things aren't particularly exciting round here." She took another bite of food. Honestly, the questions surprised her. Sure, everyone asked her how she was these days. In a way, it was all they ever asked her. But what always sounded through was _have you made any progress?_ , and _do you remember anything?_ There was always this flicker of hope in their eyes that today would be the day. Holly, it seemed, just asked because she wanted to know.

"So? Tell me how boring your day was, then." The brunette leaned back in her chair and propped her legs up on Gail's bed.

"Well, okay." That girl was a little strange. She liked it. "First thing in the morning they scanned my brain. No, sorry. First thing in the morning I got a cup of crappy coffee, oatmeal", she scrunched up her face, "toast and scrambled eggs." She threw a grave look at a grinning Holly and repeated. "Scrambled eggs! I keep telling them _no eggs_ , and they just keep serving them."

Holly chuckled sympathetically. "Scrambled eggs. The audacity!"

Gail squinted at the brunette's mockery and continued. "Anyway. Brain scan after that. Everything is where it is supposed to be." She used the fork to point at her head. "Then Chris stopped by. Diaz. Do you... know Chris?" Holly nodded. "I know I'm the one with amnesia here, but he seems to be the one who has forgotten how to talk to me. So that was a little awkward. Then I had to go do the therapy session. Painting." She rolled her eyes. "They try something new every day. Then there was lunch, which went along the same lines as breakfast, as you assumed so correctly. My mom came by, and then Steve, to both of whom I was a huge disappointment because, no, I still don't remember anything. Well, it's not like my mother expects anything else from me anyway."

Strangely, sharing came easy with the brunette stranger sitting across from her.

Holly tilted her head to the side and looked at Gail with both sympathy and disbelief all at once, and Gail had a feeling that this wasn't the first time she was on the receiving end of that look.

"I'm sure that that's not true, Gail."

"Which part?" The blonde inquired.

"Both parts. You're certainly not a disappointment to your mother. And if your friends and family are bummed about you not making progress it's simply because they feel for you, because they know that this must suck... for you."

Gail nodded slowly. "Yeah. I don't know." They ate in silence for a while until Gail spoke again.

"So... How was your day?" It was the polite thing to do, right?

"Well, I'm having my lunch break at three o'clock, so... the usual crazy, you know?" Holly replied off-handedly. She had missed talking to Gail, telling her every little thing about her day, but she supposed the blonde only asked to be polite and she didn't want to bore her with a detailed recollection of her work day.

"Uhm. What is it that you do, exactly?" Gail was reluctant to ask, but she really couldn't make anything out of Holly's response.

"Oh. Of course, you don't... Sorry. I'm so stupid, I didn't think..."

"Holly." She interrupted the brunette who was incredibly embarrassed. "Just tell me what you do, ok?"

"Ok. Ok." She nodded eagerly. "I am a... forensic pathologist. I..."

"A dead people doctor? Sweet." Gail nodded in approval.

"You think?" Holly was a little more smitten than she thought was appropriate. This was her wife, after all.

"Totally. So, is that how we met? Do you work with Toronto PD?"

"Yeah. After you tried to kick me out of my own crime scene, you were stuck in the morgue with me while I was examining a pile of bones. You seemed to really like it down there. Didn't take you long to deal out insults." She smiled at the memory.

"Ah, yes. What can I say? That's how I charm people." Gail just shrugged.

"I noticed." Holly grinned. And after Gail asked about her day once more, she diligently obliged, telling Gail about the probable murder-suicide that had come in that morning and about her work in general. Gail kept asking questions, wanting to know more about "all the nerdy stuff and the gory details", and Holly was happy to tell her. It was an innocuous topic of conversation, and one that Holly could drag out endlessly, maximizing the time she got to spend with the blonde.


	4. Chapter 4

_AUTHOR'S NOTE:_

 _First of all, thank you very much for your encouraging reviews! I honestly appreciate every single one of them. Truth be told, your reviews have, in a way, rekindled my own passion about the story. And that's both good and bad ;-)_

 _The good news (at least for those who enjoy reading the story): There will be more of it. By immersing myself in the story again, and, at times, trying to look at it with your eyes, a whole number of images, scraps of dialogue, scenes and narrative strands have come to mind that I want to explore._

 _Which brings me to the bad news: All those flickers of ideas that I thought up still need to be written. Meaning that I will certainly not be able to keep my promise of the "regular updates". Well, the may still be regular, but certainly with more time in between._

 _Btw, thank you, **Guest** , for pointing out the 'toast' thing. I've always had trouble with what is called 'bread' in the English-speaking world. As a German, 'sandwich style bread' (or whatever the different names and types may be) has very little to do with our concept of 'bread', so that's just always been very confusing for me ;-) Sorry for the slip!_

 _And finally, in reply to another **Guest** asking: No, as far as my plans for the story are concerned, Frankie will not feature in this version of the Rookie Blue universe. I'm a Pre-Frankie kind of girl :-)_

 _Anyway, I hope you enjoy this short chapter. The next one will be a longer one, I promise!_

* * *

The click of the door opening. Another click. Door closing. Whispered _Hey_ s. A few heeled footsteps, the brief scratch of a chair on the linoleum floor. The smack of a kiss. Another. The deep breath of two people settling in their chairs.

"She asleep?"

"Has been since I got here."

"Did you see her doctor?"

"Yeah. He said if the latest test results turn out the way they expect them to, she can go home on Monday."

"That's great news. What a relief." Two pats. The sound of dry hands on naked skin.

"Yeah. You can imagine how Holly must feel. I just let her know."

A phone buzzing. Feet shuffling, clothes rustling.

"Ah. Holly. She'll come by tomorrow to arrange all the details and she'll take her home on Monday."

Silence.

"You think that's a good idea? Holly taking her home?"

"Why not? Where would she go? It _is_ Gail's home after all."

"Yeah, one she doesn't remember."

"But... Holly is her _wife_. She's been through so much. Don't you think it's time things finally got back to normal?"

"There is no going back to normal, Steve! Not right now." They shushed each other – or themselves – after both had raised their voices.

"Look, I would love nothing more than for those two to get back to the annoyingly happy and perfect couple they used to be. But Gail is not there yet, and we all have to accept that."

"Holly is going to be devastated. She doesn't deserve this."

"Neither does Gail."

"I know. I know."

"We don't even know what Gail wants. Maybe she's fine going home with Holly. All I'm saying is, let's talk to her about it first."

"I thought they had gotten close. Haven't they been hanging out?"

"Steve. Two lunches and a couple of coffees are a little slim for shacking up, don't you think? Why are you pushing this? It's no good for anyone to force this."

"I know you're right. In my mind, I know. But I'm just so angry at this whole situation. None of this is fair. To anyone. And I just keep thinking, you know. If we all try really hard, things can go back to the way they used to be. I know that's not the way it works. I know that. I just hate it."

"I know. I'm sorry." Clothes rustling. Skin on skin.

"So, if she doesn't want to go home with Holly... We can not make her stay with my parents."

"Oh God, no."

"The frat house?"

"No way am I going to let her stay with Chris and Nick."

"Yeah. Terrible idea. Our place then?"

"Our place."

"I think it's going to be fun. I haven't stayed under the same roof as Gail for over a decade now."

"I like the idea too. The four of us living together. Just try not to recreate your childhood sibling rivalry all too much." They chuckled quietly.

"No promises." Steve said, clearly still a smile on his face.

They fell silent for a long time. Gail was on the verge of pretending to wake up, just to end the gridlock.

"So I ran into Holly this morning. She was so... _hopeful_." Even in her whisper, the pain in Traci's voice was evident.

"Isn't that a good thing?"

"I don't know. I hope so."

...

She had been sitting here, on her sofa, for about 30 minutes, completely still, almost as if paralyzed, dreading this moment. The moment the doorbell rang. She stayed still for a few more seconds before gathering up all her strength and walking to the door. She opened it slowly and greeted the two with a weak smile, the best she could muster in this situation. Gail only managed to meet her eyes briefly, before returning her gaze to the floor, her knuckles whitening as her grip around the handle of the suitcase tightened. Steve's look was filled with pain and apologies. Apologies for something he had no fault in, pain for something they both knew he couldn't change.

"Hey." He greeted her plainly, and she replied in kind, motioning for them to come in. They entered the living area, where she pointed at two small boxes filled with all kinds of things.

"I've gathered up some things from around the house I thought you wanted to take with you." Gail's favorite mug, a few of her favorite Xbox-Games, a couple of books she had been reading just before the accident – Gail had the habit of starting several books at a time –, some pictures of her and her family and friends – none of them with Holly – and a number of other trinkets and memorabilia.

"So. These are your shoes." She pointed at one of the shoe cabinets before she lead the way up the stairs and into the bedroom. She opened one of the large closets.

"Here are your clothes. There's more in the two bottom drawers over there." She entered the adjacent bathroom and pointed at the cabinet left of the sink.

"And all this is yours as well." She looked at Steve. "Call me if you need anything."

She went back to her spot on the sofa, grabbing a magazine, opening it on a random page and staring at it with no intention of reading it. She heard the two of them rummaging through the cupboards and packing up Gail's stuff. They hardly talked, both very aware of the tenseness in the air and the decisive turning point that this moment was for Holly. Maybe an irreversible one. Certainly a very painful one.

She wasn't sure what would happen when Gail was released. She hadn't really thought about it, in fact, because it was obvious to her that of course Gail would stay with her. Would stay in _her own home_. Another option hadn't even crossed her mind. And she felt, after the initial shock and Gail's desire for space, that they had developed some sort of connection throughout the last two weeks of Gail's hospital stay. That Gail had sort of accepted the fact that apparently they belonged together, even if she didn't remember it yet, didn't feel it yet. But apparently, Gail thought differently. She made it very clear, when talk about her release became specific, that she didn't want to stay with Holly. It was Steve's place or the frat house – until she found a place of her own, of course. That piece of information hit Holly hard, even harder since for her, it came out of nowhere, and she wasn't able to brace herself for it. What hurt the most, though, was the fact that she had to hear from Steve. Suddenly, all the lines of conversation between them, which had started opening up slowly, were slammed shut. During their few and brief encounters after Gail had made her decision, the blonde was monosyllabic at best and barely met Holly's eyes.

"I guess that's the last of it." Steve said quietly and it sounded so far away, that Holly needed a moment to shake herself out of her stupor, get up and face the Peck siblings.

"Ok." she nodded. Steve nodded back, at a loss for anything else to do or say, while Gail stood halfway between the two, looking forlorn. Steve was almost out the door, Gail following him, when Holly held her back by reaching out for her arm softly. Steve gave them another nod and left the two women alone.

"Can I... Can I just say one thing, Gail?" She took Gail's silence as a yes. "I just want you to know... Know that I'll love you. If you never remember or if one day you will. If you change your mind tomorrow, or in five months, or never. I will be here. I will... love you. No matter what happens, no matter what you choose to do. And I know it doesn't make any difference and it doesn't matter to you. But it's important to me that you know that." Tears were flooding her eyes, but they didn't fall. Until now. Until one tiny drop escaped and ran down her cheek. This would be it, Holly knew. Gail stood rooted to the spot, unable to respond and unable to leave. Helpless. So Holly was the one to have to let go. "Goodnight Gail."


	5. Chapter 5

"So I talked to Holly yesterday. She got that research grant she applied for. She'll be in New York after New Year's for the official announcement. I set her up to stay with your uncle Robert, I thought that would be nice." They were halfway through dinner when Elaine dropped the H-bomb. No pun intended, of course. They had obsessively been steering clear of discussing Holly all afternoon, until now. And truth be told, it was only half an accident and half on purpose that Elaine mentioned her. She certainly didn't plan to mention her just yet, before they had opened their presents, and the _official_ part was over, but she had definitely thought about casually slipping her name into conversation as the evening went by, just to show Gail that she _was_ a part of this, that she belonged here.

"Yeah, that's probably a good idea. Great news about the grant!" Steve acted completely unfazed at hearing Holly's name. Same as Traci, who immediately chimed in.

"Oh God, yes! I remember she was working so hard on the proposal for months." It wasn't until Gail spoke up that they suddenly froze and remembered the awkwardness that this particular conversational topic brought with it these days.

"Why would you set up Holly with uncle Robert? Why would _you_ talk to her in the first place?" Gail asked in disbelief, squinting at her mother. Elaine set down the silverware and dabbed her mouth with the napkin, before looking back up at her daughter.

"Gail, I'm sorry. I know this is all new and confusing and surreal for you. But Holly _is_ my daughter-in-law. We talk. She's family." Her words were careful but grave, in a way. Earnest, certainly. She didn't want to scold her daughter. She could only imagine how hard it must have been to deal with a situation like that. She wanted to help. Honestly, truly, wanted to help. And she thought the best way was to remind Gail that Holly was a part of her story, to open her up to the idea. She had to learn the hard way that Holly was the best thing that ever could have happened to Gail – and just because her daughter didn't remember that, it didn't make it less true.

"What's your plan, mother?" Gail snarled, her distrust writ large in her face.

"What do you mean?" Gail's outburst reminded her of the Gail she'd known years ago. The Gail before Holly. The one that she never took entirely seriously. She was determined to treat her differently this time.

"Do you really expect me to believe that I decided to date a girl, decided to _marry_ a girl, and you were just ok with that? I mean, _What will people say_? There obviously is some sort of hidden agenda." Gail kept spitting, her voice filled with suspicion, disdain and of course her old friend sarcasm.

"Gail." Steve intervened, putting his hand on her shoulder in comfort. He had to remind himself time and again, that Gail's reality was mostly that from five years ago. And so was her relationship with her mother. Gail didn't know how far they had come. Didn't know about the bi-weekly family dinners, for example. Granted, it was a tradition that Holly and Bill initiated, but it seemed like Elaine was the one who enjoyed it the most. Dinner by dinner – and after she learned that the dinners were _not_ a welcome opportunity to pry into everyone's business – it brought her closer to her children and, in a way, back into the inner circle of her own family. She didn't know that when she applied for detective's rotation almost three years ago, it was without any kind of pressure or assistance from Elaine. She didn't know that when – after weeks of hemming and hawing – she and Holly announced their engagement, Elaine ordered everyone to a weekend at their cabin to celebrate the news – "the whole _family_ ", as she said. Elaine and Bill, Gail and Holly, Steve, Traci and Leo.

"It's alright, Steven." Elaine said calmly. She knew she had spent the first twenty-something years of Gail's life making her bed, and she was prepared to lay in it. A considerable part of the past four years had been a learning curve for her, for both of them really, with ups and downs. There had been a lot of resentment, anger and hurt – some of it unjustified, a lot of it deserved – but, at some point, also an increasing degree of understanding and reconciliation. And most importantly, in the end she came out on top. They both did. They had made it once. And Elaine saw no reason why they wouldn't make it again.

"Yes, I am ashamed to admit, Gail, that I was not okay with it at first. Anything but. But with a little... a lot of assistance from your father I realised that I might need to extend my horizon a little. You had made it very clear that whichever fight I was going to put up, it wouldn't be one that I would win." Gail knitted her eyebrows together in disbelief. This didn't sound like her, standing up to her mother like that.

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"Well, when you told us about Holly, you said that this was something you were absolutely sure about. And that you hoped it wouldn't come to that, but if worse came to worst, Holly would be enough for you, and that not being with her was not an option for you anymore. You said that you hoped we would share your happiness, would be a part of it, but if we wouldn't, it would be our loss. You weren't making a scene, you weren't yelling. You were very calm and earnest and I really felt like, for the first time, you _actually_ were hoping to share something with me. So I opened my eyes. And I saw that you were happy. Really, genuinely, happy. I could see how much you loved her. And how much she loved you. Loved you for being _you_. I'm not going to lie. It took me some time to accept that what was right for you wasn't what I thought it would be. Or should be. But in the end, I did." She squinted and stared at her mother for a few moments. Her speech, what she said and how she said it, were so unlike her. She sounded genuine. Gail had a hard time reconciling this version of her mother with how she remembered her. Truth be told, she had a hard time reconciling a lot of the things that were presenting themselves to her these days with how she remembered them.

"So, Holly is celebrating Christmas with her parents?" At a loss for what to respond to her mother's speech, she thought she'd change the subject, at least slightly.

"Well..." Steve started, looking at Traci, who helped him out.

"Her parents are spending Christmas with her sister in San Francisco. She... She didn't want to tag along last minute." Traci looked down at her plate, pushing the rest of the food around with her fork.

"What? Why would they just go to San Francisco for Christmas without inviting her along?!" Looking around, she saw the rest of her family exchange worried looks. Her gaze landed on Traci and Leo and she remembered how Traci told her that, this year, the Pecks got Christmas Eve and her parents got Christmas Day. Next year, it would be the other way around. And then it clicked for her.

"Oh. She... She was supposed to be _here_ for Christmas, right?" Her parents nodded. After a few moments of uncomfortable silence, her mother spoke quietly.

"Yes. We... We talked about her coming tonight, but we all thought that it was probably easier for... everyone... if she didn't."

"Oh." Gail sunk her head, an incredible guilt washing over her. _Easier for her_ , was what that meant.

"Holly understands." Steve tried to reassure her, before Gail excused herself to the bathroom. She closed the door and sank to the floor, letting her head fall back.

And for the first time she allowed herself to see the full extent of what her _situation_ actually meant. Yes, it was hard, knowing that you've lost five years of your life. It was hard navigating this in part unfamiliar reality she found herself in. It was hard to deal with the expectations and the hopes of the people around her.

She hadn't taken the time though to _really_ try and fathom what this meant for Holly. Holly had lost her wife. Or maybe even worse, her wife was right in front of her, but still not _there_. Gail took most of her stuff from the place that they used to share and basically shut the brunette out of her life. Holly had lost a great part of her friends, the friends that they shared. More than that, Holly had lost part of her _family_. Not that their friends and family stopped caring about Holly. But these days, everyone's priority, Holly included, was to make things as easy and pleasant for Gail as possible. And the one who had to pay the price for that was Holly. Basically, apart from her job, life as Holly knew it just stopped existing. And it was Gail's fault. Well, she may not have deliberately caused this, but she was still the reason for it. She didn't know Holly very well, but she knew her enough to know that she did not deserve that. Holly was one of those people who were just fundamentally kind. She cared deeply about those around her. She especially cared about Gail. So much that she put her own feelings, her own needs, on the back burner for Gail.

She must have been sitting on the cold bathroom floor for about twenty minutes before returning downstairs. Her family had moved to the living room and welcomed her with quizzical and worried looks when she entered. She just smiled and nodded reassuringly, hoping they would get the message and no-one would enquire about her state of mind any further.

"We thought we should open the presents?" Elaine broke the silence.

"Of course." Gail replied as she sat down next to Leo.

They took turns unwrapping their presents. Gail was unwrapping her last one, when there was still a pile of presents sitting in front of Leo.

"Oh my God! No way! This is so amazing! I've always wanted a Lomo!" It was a Lomography instant camera with different lenses and a wide variety of different films. Gail had a thing for photography ever since she got her first camera as a kid, and had been eying the Lomo for years but always put it off since she hardly found the time to use the cameras she had anyway.

"Who is it from?" she asked excitedly as she put a film in the camera.

"I don't know, what does the card say?" Steve had an idea.

After she had attached one of the lenses and the camera was ready to go she fumbled for the card, scanning what was written on it.

"Holly" she whispered and played with the camera in her hands, lost in thought.

...

They got out of the car and Steve bumped his shoulder into Gail's. "Tonight was alright, huh?" he smiled.

She knew what he meant – that an evening spent with her family could actually, unlike the evenings she remembered, be pleasant. And apart from the awkwardness surrounding her situation with Holly, which she couldn't blame on her mother even if she tried, it surprisingly was.

"I'd call it disturbing, but whatever" she brushed him off, but he certainly knew how to take her nonchalant comment.

Steve opened the trunk and unloaded bags full of presents, most of them Leo's of course, for them to take inside the house. The last one he got out was still wrapped. It was the only one that was left underneath the Christmas tree at the end of the night. A present to Holly from the family.

"I'll take this" Gail said, grabbing the present from Steve. "Actually, I... I'll take a walk, ok? I'll take this with me." Holly's place was nearby, and the fact that she may have been spending the evening alone at home hadn't relinquished its hold on Gail all night.

"Ok, sis." He kissed her cheek and Gail waved goodbye to Traci and Leo.

…

She was nursing her – well – not her first glass of scotch when she heard a knock on the door. She paused her movie and eyed the door suspiciously. It was the third time tonight that she was watching the movie. In fact, she wasn't really watching it anyway. After it had become clear that it would be best for her not to join the Pecks for Christmas she had decided not to just sit at home and sulk. Several of her friends, Oliver included, had invited her to their homes, but she didn't want to impose and she didn't want to be pitied. Her plan was to make herself a nice dinner, have a few glasses of good wine before enjoying a good glass of good night scotch, watch a few feel-good movies and not pity herself. Good. Her evening would be good. Instead, she had gone straight to the scotch to accompany her frozen pizza and had let Edward Scissorhands wash over her on repeat while her mind kept going in circles, thinking about Gail.

When she looked through the peephole she was greeted by a blonde ponytail. She opened the door.

"Gail? What are you doing here?" She knew she should have been more than just slightly tipsy after the amount of whisky she had ingested, but the unexpected sight of Gail had sobered her up completely.

"Uhm. Merry Christmas!" Gail replied shyly as she held out Holly's present. "This is from the family", she added quietly.

"Wow. Thank you." Holly took the wrapped present. "Do you... want to come in?" She took a step back, freeing the doorway for Gail, who stepped inside hesitantly.

"Whisky?" She didn't wait for Gail's reply before getting a glass from the cupboard, so Gail just smiled and nodded politely when she turned back around and held out the glass to Gail. They walked to the living room and Holly poured them both some scotch, raised her glass to Gail's and quickly took a sip. Then she sat down on the sofa, legs crossed, cradling the present in her lap, while Gail took off her boots and mirrored Holly's position, whisky in hand.

"Do you want to open it or are you just going to stare at it?" Gail asked after a while, pointing at the present. Obviously Holly had been lost in thought since she started up at Gail's question and nodded hesitantly.

"Yeah. Sure. Of course." She started unwrapping the present slowly, meticulously pulling off each piece of tape, careful not to rip the paper. Gail wasn't all too surprised, which let a smirk settle on her face, escaping Holly's notice. During the little time she had spent with Holly, she had already detected some of her quirks, this being one of them. She liked that. And yes, in fact, Holly _was_ one of those people that tended to unwrap presents slowly and neatly. She just thought it was a sign of respect towards the gift-giver, a sort of tribute to the time and effort they put into wrapping the gift in the first place. Right now, though, she was mostly using her habit to stall. She was pretty sure that Gail was going to leave once she was done, even though the fact that she seemed to have gotten quite comfortable on her sofa may have suggested otherwise. But that was just conjecture. A million things were rushing through Holly's head, and she tried to get a hold of them, get them in order, think clearly. There were so many things she wanted to say to Gail, but nothing seemed to qualify as appropriate. Neither did all the different possible ways in which she could behave towards the blonde. She couldn't figure out what to do. She needed more time.

Gail used that time to take a look around the apartment. The last time she was here she was just in and out, basically. She didn't take the time to actually take the place in, didn't want to stay in the awkwardness of the situation for longer then absolutely necessary. Now, actually _seeing_ this place for the first time, she realized that she had never seen anything like it before. It had the modern appeal of a loft, and the charm of a maisonette apartment. The lower floor was a huge open space, slightly structured by a few strategically placed shelves or other pieces of furniture. The kitchen looked rather fancy with its big gas stove island, but it still felt homey. And so did the rest of the apartment. The wooden floorboards, a few carpets here and there, the wide windowsills lined with pillows, the clean, white walls, interrupted by a number of big framed photographs – some of them in black and white, some of them very bright and colorful, the combination of them perfect –, the furniture that looked old and heavy but not outdated. It all made this huge space feel warm and cozy, it was stylish, but not in a forced way. It matched the impression she had gotten from Holly. And she could see herself living here, see herself feeling at home here. Well, that was how she was supposed to feel, wasn't it? After all, this _was_ her home. She tried to evade the huge and heavy picture-frame that was filled with a collage of photos, personal photos of her and Holly she assumed, as she couldn't help but notice her own blond head of hair in a great number of the photos as her eyes tried to hurry past. She tried to ignore the smaller frames that were interspersed throughout the living area, unsure whether she could handle looking at the photos they contained. Instead, she focused on the endless amount of books sitting on the shelves and wondered how many of them were hers, which of them were hers. Or did they even have _yours_ and _mine,_ or was everything _theirs?_ She wondered which of the pictures on the wall she had chosen. And then she wondered how much this place must cost. Yes, apparently she was a detective now and earned a little more than before, but she was still pretty sure that you couldn't afford a place like this on a detective's salary. Did they rent this place or had they bought it? She supposed that as a doctor, and one very respected in her field it seems, Holly must make good money. That must be how they could afford this place. Or maybe she comes from money? If she did, she certainly didn't act like it.

She was ripped from her thoughts when she saw Holly finally pull out the present from underneath the wrapping paper. Her mouth and eyes were opened wide as she regarded the DVD box carefully. It was a special edition collection of all of David Attenborough's documentaries. _Nerd indeed._

"Wow! This is so great! I love it!" She smiled at Gail happily who smiled back somewhat uncomfortably in return.

"Well. As I said, it's from the family. I'm glad you like it though." She looked down at her hands, put her glass down on the coffee table, and pulled out a box from her bag and looked back up at Holly.

"Look, I... I didn't know what to get you for Christmas. To be honest, I didn't even know that you... I just didn't know. So... I'm sorry I didn't get you a present. I really am. Especially since you got me an awesome present. Really. Thank you." She paused for a moment until Holly smiled at her appreciatively. "Anyway. My dad said that you really liked this." She handed the box containing a bottle of really good – and really expensive – scotch over to the brunette who eyed it in surprise. "Technically I guess this is a present from my dad to you, but..."

Holly could see how Gail was struggling with her guilty conscience, how she was getting more and more uncomfortable at the fact that she didn't get Holly a present. She was seeking out the blonde's eyes with hers.

"Hey. You carried it all the way here, didn't you? So I think it's just fair to say that at least half of it is from you." She winked. "Anyway. You didn't need to get me anything. I know that I'm just a stranger to you who sat in your hospital room a little more often than you probably cared for." Holly chuckled, trying to lighten the mood a little, but Gail could see how much the thought of that pained Holly, how her voice tripped just a little as she said the word _stranger._

"It really is fine, Gail. It means a lot that you came over tonight. That's what's important." She touched Gail's knee but quickly pulled back and took her glass, touching it to Gail's and taking a sip. She had another present sitting in the desk of her office. She would save that for another occasion, she thought.

"Oh! I actually have something else for you!" Gail said all of a sudden, her voice excited but somewhat unsteady, and reached into her purse, pulling out a photo.

"I took this today with my super cool new camera" she added with a proud smile.

Holly regarded the photo and Gail could see how she was immediately touched by it. She wasn't usually a talker, but she was afraid that Holly was going to cry any minute now if she didn't do something to break this silence that was filled to the brim with emotional tension.

"It was Leo's idea, cutting out the letters. He made every one of us cut out one letter while he was _supervising_ , as he called it. Sly kid."

Holly's eyes darted up to Gail's only briefly before they fell back onto the photo. The whole family – well, minus Gail, who was obviously taking the picture – had gathered under a banner that said _Merry Christmas_ , each of them holding a letter spelling out her name. Her eyes filled with tears, and she had to fight really hard to not let them fall when she turned the photo around.

The back said _Lots of love from the family_ , and everyone had signed it. Even Gail. Which was the point at which it was just too much for Holly, and the tears fell. She wiped them away quickly and inconspicuously, but Gail still noticed.

"I'm sorry, Holly. You should have been there. They would never say that to me, but I know that everyone wished you were there. I'm really sorry." It felt weird, delivering a really heartfelt apology – to basically a stranger, nonetheless. It wasn't Gail's style. But what felt even weirder was that, honestly, it didn't feel _that_ weird after all.

"Don't worry about it, Gail. I still could have visited my sister. I just decided to stay here."

"You were watching Edward Scissorhands?" Gail asked, pointing at the white wall that had displayed Winona Ryder's face when she came in.

"Yeah, it's kind of a Christmas tradition." She didn't want to tell Gail it was _their_ Christmas tradition. From the first Christmas they spent together, they watched it every year. They would huddle together under a blanket, a bowl of popcorn in front of them and a mug of hot chocolate with rum in their hands.

"I love that movie."

"Mhm." Holly gave her a tight-lipped smile.

"Aaand you already knew that, didn't you?" Holly just shrugged and nodded shyly.

"I was only, like, ten minutes in... Do you... want to watch it with me?" Holly stammered.

"Yeah. Sure." Gail nodded. She didn't know what it was about this place, about Holly, but she didn't want to leave just yet.

"Ok." Holly hesitated for a moment. She hadn't really expected the blonde to say yes. "How about some popcorn?"

"Uhm. Sure. But... I really wouldn't want to put you out." Gail replied carefully.

"You're not. I thought about making popcorn anyway, but then I was too lazy to make it just for myself..." She got up and Gail followed her to the kitchen. She thought if Holly had to get up to make popcorn for _them_ , it was the polite thing to do to accompany her to the kitchen.

She prepared the popcorn and put it into the microwave, then turned around to face Gail, who was sitting at the kitchen island.

"This kitchen is amazing. You must be a great cook." Not that one thing really had anything to do with the other, but it was the first thing that popped into her mind.

"Well, I don't know about great. But I like it."

"Yeah? You probably find it cathartic or something. I never understood those people." Holly just snorted. They'd had this exact same exchange, almost to the letter, just a few days before they started dating. Back then it was a different kitchen, of course. During the time they had been dating, Gail may not have become the best of cooks, but she certainly was creative, and she did try because she knew how much Holly would appreciate it.

"Well, you should try it someday. Maybe you'll like it?" The suggestion earned an eye-roll from Gail. Holly just smiled at the blonde and shook her head.

"Anyway. How about some hot chocolate?" Gail gave her an indignant look, but after a moments' contemplation, she replied, "Only if you make it Irish. Or, I guess, Caribbean?"

So here the were, on _their_ sofa, each under their own blanket, drinking their hot chocolate, sharing a bowl of popcorn, just like every year. Just that it didn't have the same meaning to Gail that it did to Holly. Still, she would enjoy every moment of this. She would enjoy any moment she got to spend with Gail.

Maybe she was just imagining it, but when the movie was over, Gail seemed reluctant to get up. She checked her mug three times, until she was convinced that it was really empty. And then, when she felt like she might have been caught, she feigned a yawn, stretched, and got up.

"I should go. It's really late. But... Thank you. This was... nice." She gestured, looking a little lost.

"It was. Thank _you._ " She got up and accompanied Gail to the door, handing the blonde her coat.

Gail put it on and closed the buttons, taking her time before looking back up at Holly. They exchanged cautious smiles and _good nights_ and Gail opened the door to leave. She stopped on the door sill and turned on her heels.

"Holly. There's this party at the Penny for New Year's." Holly knitted her eyebrows together. "Yeah."

"Yeah, of course you know. You were invited." She shook her head at herself. "Anyway. You... I think you should come. People... They miss you." She scrutinized Holly's face for a reaction and saw the indecision, the inner conflict going on inside her.

"You should come." She said again, more resolutely this time, nodding for emphasis. And she saw a small smile grow on Holly's face and detected a slight nod. It wasn't a _yes_ yet, but it certainly was an _I'll think about it_. It was enough for now.

"Merry Christmas, Holly." She hugged the brunette briefly and smiled as she backed away.

"Merry Christmas." She saw the watery shine in Holly's eyes as she returned the smile, before Gail turned around and walked away.

She knew that this was one of those situations in which normal people said something, did something. Anything. But what was she supposed to do? Pull her in for another hug? That certainly would have only made matters worse. And Holly must know Gail wasn't a hugger anyways. And what could she have said? Hey, why do you look like you're about to cry? I mean, wasn't it obvious? Even Gail was having a hard time holding back the tears on her way home. And to her, the tragic nature of their situation was just theoretical. She only knew about it because people told her. To Holly, the tragedy was real, right there with her, every single second. She took out her phone to text Holly. But after staring at the empty screen for about five minutes, she realized that right now there was nothing she could say. At least nothing she knew how to say.


	6. Chapter 6

_AUTHOR'S NOTE:_

 _I really love all of your comments and reviews! My thank you comes in the shape of a longer chapter today. Hope you enjoy!_

* * *

She set foot in the Penny, Steve and Traci in tow, and stopped for a second to take a look around. She saw her friends, torn between excitement, wanting to run over to pull Gail into a hug, happy that this was one of the rare occasions she was willing to engage in social interaction, and self-control, not wanting to overwhelm the blonde, trying to contain their excitement. She knew they were all trying their best, knew they were trying really hard to act normal, but failed miserably. Unfortunately, all their conflicting emotions were evident on their faces. The pity, the sympathy, the expectation, the hope, the insecurity at how to behave. As if Gail didn't have enough of that already. She could rely on Oliver, of course, for if he was battling with those feelings too, he managed to hide it pretty well. He made her feel normal. And then there was the little red-haired one, Chloe. Sure, she annoyed the heck out of Gail, but at least she was real, unfiltered. She just skipped over and straight-up told her that it was "so cool" that she decided to come out for New Year's, that people were really hoping she would be here, and that everyone, herself included, wasn't really sure how to act around her. "But you know what? I've decided to just treat you the way I always have. And if something's not cool you just let me know. I know you won't have a problem with that." She winked and rested her hand on Gail's shoulder briefly. "I'll see you around, Gail." And she skipped off.

She made a beeline for Oliver, who greeted her with his usual effortless enthusiasm, drink in hand. They engaged in their mostly pointless banter when Oliver noticed Gail's gaze wandering off absentmindedly.

"Looking for something, Peck?" She snapped back into their conversation, feeling like she was caught in the act.

"Nope." She popped the 'p' and shook her head a little too vigorously. "No. I was just thinking. I need a drink."

"Well, bar's over there." Oliver pointed out the obvious. "You haven't forgotten how to order a drink, have you?"

She squinted at Oliver. "Wow. I cannot believe you just said that! How inconsiderate of you." She shook her head at him in a gesture they both knew was supposed to be mock disappointment and consternation. Oliver sent her off to the bar with a wink and a pat on the back.

And then there she stood by herself, leaning with her back against the bar, her elbows propped up on the counter. She didn't want to come tonight. The prospect of all of her friends and colleagues gathered at a bar, trying to enjoy themselves while still seeming reverent at Gail's situation, forcing good-natured small talk on her while trying not to overwhelm her, felt more like work than anything remotely related to fun. Everyone would have understood if she hadn't come, and she was tempted not to. But there was this force, some kind of longing, that made it impossible for her not to come. So she got dressed – well, she tried on about seven outfits until she was satisfied with what she wore – and came nevertheless, a decision she couldn't help but regret a little when Dov appeared next to her trying to engage her in stilted and awkward small talk. She was only half listening to him, throwing him a half-hearted answer every now and then, mostly focused on scanning the bar.

"Have you seen Holly?" she interrupted him mid-sentence.

"Uh. No. Not tonight." She threw him an expectant look, urging him to keep talking.

"Andy saw her at work yesterday. She said that Holly wasn't sure yet whether she was going to come." he explained.

"Well, did Andy tell her she should? Did _anyone_ tell her she should?!" Dov was taken aback by this sudden outburst from Gail. From what he knew, Gail and Holly hadn't really been in touch ever since she got out of the hospital, so her sudden concern for the pathologist surprised him a little.

"Uhm. We didn't know... We weren't sure whether you'd be ok with that." He gave her an inquisitive look.

"Dov. Holly didn't _do_ anything to me. And I'm not some helpless little kid who can't speak up for herself. If you want to invite Holly to whatever thing you got planned, invite Holly. And if I have a problem with that I'll let you know. Alright? Could you please let everyone know that?" Her eyes bored into him like only Gail's eyes could. Then her gaze traveled back towards the door to see what the commotion was all about. Holly. She could feel a smile spreading on her face, growing even wider when Holly's eyes met hers and she waved at Gail shyly and mouthed _Hi_. She turned back towards Dov, realizing that he was staring at her, and snapped. "What are you still doing here? Go! Spread the word!" She shooed him away and turned back towards the door to see Holly approach her.

"Hey" the brunette smiled.

"Holly. Hey. You came." There was a moment of silence during which Gail rolled her eyes at herself at the needless comment.

"You are nothing if not observant." Holly replied, perking up her eyebrows. Gail was taken aback, in a good way. She wasn't expecting a comeback like that from Holly.

"Are you mocking me?" She threw at the brunette in mock outrage.

"No, I was... I thought I was being funny." Aaaand the tension and awkwardness were back.

"No, you were, I was just..." Gail began to apologize, but Holly just smiled and interrupted her. "Stop it, Gail. I'm… just going to get a drink."

"Well, then, today is your lucky day, because your drinks are on me!" Gail moved her hand through the air pointing at the shelf behind the bar as if she was trying to advertise their drinks to Holly. She was suddenly overcome with the urge to somehow _reciprocate_. To compensate her for everything she had done so far and for everything Gail has put her through. _Would_ put her through. And this was, for now at least, the only way she knew how.

"Are you sure you have thought this through?" Holly asked doubtingly.

Gail just snorted. "Please. You're a science nerd. How much can you possibly drink?"

"Oh Gail, you have no idea." The brunette laughed and placed her order. When the barkeeper came back with Holly's drinks, she placed one shot glass in front of Gail and raised the other one. She picked up the glass and smelled to see what she was in for, then eyed the other drink that Holly had ordered.

"Hm. Beer and tequila. You seem like my kind of girl." Her eyes grew wide the moment it was out of her mouth. She wanted to take it back, but it was too late. She looked at Holly, who was obviously a little shocked but quickly tried to regain her countenance.

"I'm sorry. I wasn't really thinking. I... Sorry." She looked at Holly apologetically and pleadingly.

"It's fine Gail, don't worry. It just... It took me by surprise, that's all." She tried to reassure the blonde.

"Yeah, but now it's weird. I mean, it's even weirder than it is anyway." Holly put her shot glass down and tilted her head to the side, seeing Gail's struggle and how she was internally kicking herself.

"Well, you know, it doesn't need to be weird." The blonde scoffed at that. "Yeah? So what? We just... don't _let_ it be weird?!" Gail made her disbelief clearly known.

"Yes. Exactly. We're not going to let it be weird. Ok?" She picked up her shot glass again and answered Gail's doubtful raise of an eyebrow with a challenging and stern look, holding her glass up in front of Gail until the blonde raised her own glass, clinked it with Holly's, and they drank.

Gail spent most of the night on the sidelines, sitting at the outer end of the bar, observing. Every now and then someone would stop by, exchange a few sentences with Gail, ask whether she was alright, click glasses with her, before they left her alone again. Just the way she wanted it. She was happy enough watching everyone interact with one another, the people that were her friends, her family. She had always been the observant kind, and found it was the best way to find out things about people. Things they don't necessarily want others to see but give away unwittingly through their body language. She found out, for example, that Nick was just a touch uncomfortable around Sam and Andy. And unsurprisingly he had obviously made it his mission to avoid Holly all night. And the brunette certainly didn't seem to mind. Dov was constantly on the lookout for the redhead, as if he might lose her in the endless space of the bar. He seemed like a lost puppy, a little helpless and out of his depth all by himself. Oliver was happy to just stand around and drink and _be_ , happy to be able to take a breath and have his girlfriend – or was it wife? – with the vegetable name in his arms.

Most of the time her gaze was following Holly though. How she interacted with people. How she carried herself. How she was genuinely happy to see these people again, trying to have a good time, trying to immerse herself in conversations to take her mind off all the other things going on, while at the same time she was so obviously hurting, so lost, that it broke Gail's heart. She looked like there was constantly someone missing by her side, someone she could lean into, someone she could nudge with her shoulder, someone who would whisper in her ear, making fun of the people around her, someone who would wrap their arm around her midriff and exchange little but important gestures of affection with her in passing. Gail knew that that someone was supposed to be her. She tried to picture herself there, next to Holly, and as much as the thought of being there, the thought of having this kind of connection with someone, filled her with a warmth she had never known, it was at the same time the most foreign and wildest idea. So Holly would keep being lost, keep missing someone. And there was nothing Gail could do about it.

She took off towards the bathroom, locked herself in one of the stalls and began crying silently. When she emerged, she was determined to just leave the party. No-one was going to really miss her anyway – she wasn't exactly the life of this party. But when she came back to sit down on the barstool and waved the barkeeper over to pay her tap and leave some extra to cover Holly for the rest of the night, she caught Holly looking her way, her expression changing from worry to relief as a smile slowly spread on her face at the sight of Gail. So she ordered another beer. She could at least stay until midnight, she thought.

A few minutes later she felt a warm hand slowly and gently traveling up her back. She turned to her left to see it was Holly leaning onto the bar trying to get the barkeeper's attention. As Holly turned to face the blonde, her warm and content smile in the blink of an eye turned into a horrified stare, her mouth open wide as she quickly pulled her hand from Gail's back.

"I... I... I am sorry. Uh. It's... a habit, I guess." She was looking anywhere but at Gail, who found this bewildered and embarrassed version of Holly strangely amusing.

"Relax, Holly. What happened to not letting things be weird?" She chuckled as she was seeking out Holly's eyes with hers.

"Right. Sorry." Her hand came up to fix her glasses but settled for brushing through her hair. She must be wearing contacts tonight. Gail motioned for two more shots.

"So, you having fun?" Gail asked to take Holly's mind off her discomfort.

"Sure. Yeah." She smiled a smile that was a little too forced, and her voice wasn't entirely convincing either.

"How are you holding up?" She asked with a sympathetic look.

"Why the face?" Gail just countered, knitting her eyebrows together.

"Well, a bunch of people who are tiptoeing around you, not sure how to behave with you, not sure whether they can just be cheerful without offending you, not sure what to talk to you about because they're afraid they might say the wrong thing, not sure whether they should try and cheer you up or just leave you be? You must be hating this!" Holly chuckled before she took a swig from her beer.

"Wow. That was an extremely accurate description. Luckily though, people are leaving me alone for the most part, so it's fine. I guess I just need some time..." her voice trailed off. She didn't know what exactly she needed time for. What would happen with time?

"Oh. Of course." Holly apologized and hopped off the barstool, when Gail grabbed her by the elbow.

"What? Where are you going?" She shook her head in confusion.

"You just said you wanted to be left alone." There was no malice in her voice. It was rather apologetic, as if Holly should have known better in the first place.

"No. I mean, yes. I did. But... you could stay for a bit I guess? At least it will keep the other losers away." Gail rolled her eyes but couldn't suppress the mischievous grin.

"So you're saying I'm the lesser of all evils?" Holly squinted at her.

"I'm saying, sit your ass back down here and have another tequila with me!" Gail patted the barstool next to her and Holly obeyed. After they'd had their shot, Gail crossed her arms on the bar and rested her chin on top of them.

"Can I ask you something Holly?" She glanced up at the brunette who was playing with the label of her beer. "Sure."

"That little perky one," Gail extended her index finger in Chloe's direction "what's the deal with her?"

"Chloe?" Holly chuckled. "What do you mean _What's the deal with her_?"

"Well," Gail continued as she stared straight ahead into the distance "I think I find her quite annoying with her perkiness and stuff, but I don't get the feeling she understands that."

Now Holly was laughing out loud, mostly at the naïve and childlike tone Gail was speaking in, earning an irritated look from Gail.

"No, Gail. She knows you find her annoying, kind of. You _have_ gotten used to her over time. _But_ she also knows that apart from finding her annoying, you know that she is genuine and honest and sometimes unapologetic, and that you respect that about her. She also knows that despite your obvious differences you are actually kind of cut from the same cloth." Holly was bracing herself for Gail's reaction, and she delivered. Within the blink of an eye she sat up and spun around, staring at Holly in sheer and utter bewilderment. "What?! Cut from the same cloth? Little miss sunshine and I?!" Holly couldn't help but grin. It wasn't the first time Gail had called Chloe that.

"Unbelievable!" After she had calmed down a little, she rested her chin back on her arms. "I mean, I do admit, there is a certain… straightforwardness… that I am beginning to value about her. Most of the others are just trying to act normal and cool and have no idea that they're just making fools of themselves because they don't even remotely manage." Gail felt equal parts terrible and ungrateful, but also strangely relieved to say this out loud. She knew she was doing wrong by them, seeing as they were just as new to this situation as she was, and were doing their best. But she wasn't in a position to be considerate about other people's problems. She just couldn't.

"Look, Gail. I know what you mean, I really do. But all these people, they really are doing their very best. They are your friends and they care about you. I can see how they can be annoying, but they are just concerned, and helpless because they hate to see you suffer in any way and they have no idea how to help. They've never been in a situation like that. None of us have. And we're all trying our best. So you should cut them some slack." Holly felt the need to strike a blow for the people from 15. For as much as she cringed more than once tonight at the awkwardness with which they were treating Gail, she knew that each and every one of them meant well.

Gail just shook her head. "How did _you_ and up with _me_? I mean, you are _kind_. You see the good in people, or at least you try to. You are funny. Ok. I am a _hoot_. So I guess that fits. Same goes for the good looks, obviously. But you are, like, a genius. You're a real catch. Me, on the other hand, I'm a beat cop. I used to be, at least. I'm not kind. I mock people who are trying to be nice. I'm bitter. So how did you get stuck with me?"

Holly closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She had forgotten that, of course, all the progress that Gail had made throughout the past years, all those ways in which she had grown more self-confident, were gone. She was back to the self-doubt, back to the self-loathing, and it pained Holly. She opened her eyes again and spoke softly, as if she could magically get through to Gail and rewire her self-perception that way.

" _I_ ended up with _you_ because even nerds get really lucky sometimes." Gail snorted. "Look, I know you like to think you are bitter and unkind and don't need anyone. I know you like to think that that protects you from being hurt. I know that it took you a long time to let that guard down and I know that you don't remember any of that. So I'm just going to tell you this, and hope that you will believe me. You, Gail Peck, are one of the kindest, most caring and warm-hearted people I have ever met. Don't worry, you are still a snarky bitch at the same time, so no one would ever dare to use the word _nice_ on you _,_ " she saw a grin ghost over Gail's face "but you _are_ kind. And that thing about being a beat cop, I'm not even going to dignify that with a comment."

Gail blinked back the tears that were starting to gather in her eyes, before she turned her head to look at Holly.

"Why did you lie?"

"What?" Holly asked, taken aback.

"Before. When I asked you whether you were having fun. You haven't been having fun, have you?"

Holly rested her chin in her left hand while the other continued to play with the label of her bottle absentmindedly.

"No. And yes. I don't know. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret being here. And it really is great to see everyone again, and I thought it would be good for me to just go out, have a few drinks, a few laughs, you know... But as much as they're tiptoeing around you, they're kiiind of doing the same to me. So it's just a little hard to relax and have fun when the people around you are all tense and a constant reminder that things are... a little awkward. You know?" She looked up from her bottle to meet Gail's eyes.

"Yeah." The blonde nodded. _This is nice though. It's easy. It's comfortable. Don't you think?_

She was just about to voice her thoughts, when...

"TEN! NINE! EIGHT! SEVEN!" Gail and Holly looked at each other and got off their barstools, holding on to their beers. "FOUR! THREE! TWO! ONE! HAPPY NEW YEAR!" Everyone was falling into the arms of the person next to them. They were surrounded by kissing couples. Reluctantly, Gail turned around to face Holly and they both tried to avoid each other's gaze awkwardly, until their eyes finally met. Holly was the first one to react by taking a step towards Gail and enveloping her in a tight hug. It wasn't suggestive though – at least Holly tried really hard not to let it – but it was long and intense. "Happy New Year, Gail." Holly whispered before she let go of the blonde, her eyes rimmed with tears. "Happy... New Year." Gail stammered.

"We should go..." Holly pointed at the rest of their group, who were spreading out now to wish everyone a happy new year, and took off towards them, Gail following her, whispering "Yeah, we should...".

All they wanted to do was get back into their bubble, just the two of them, which had been the best part of the night for both of them so far. But after handing out good wishes to everyone, both had been caught up in conversations, finding each other's gaze every now and then in mutual support. When Chris finally released her, Holly was immediately looking out for Gail, but couldn't find her anywhere. She looked at the bartender who just nodded knowingly. She smiled and made a beeline for the bar, and equipped with everything she needed she grabbed her coat and headed for the emergency exit. She climbed the ladder and found Gail on the roof, fumbling with a match, flinching at the sight of Holly.

"I don't usually smoke, really!" She held her hands up in surrender, cigarette still in her mouth, and looked at Holly conscience-stricken. The brunette just laughed.

"I know. Neither do I." It was just one of Gail's antics. Sometimes, when things got too much for her, or when she had reached a certain level of drunkenness, she would hit the bartender up for a cigarette, hide out on the roof where no one would find her, and just stare into the night sky, enjoying the cigarette. It wasn't even so much about the cigarette itself as it was a way to just get away from everything for ten minutes. It didn't happen often, less and less as time went by, but it was still Gail's retreating ritual for whenever she needed a minute. Holly had a similar smoking habit, one that she had picked up during residency. She certainly wasn't proud of it, but it was what it was. So after the first time she had caught Gail in the act, she was often invited to the roof, until Gail didn't need to invite her anymore. She wasn't really sure she was welcome up there now, but she ventured she'd give it a try.

She pulled out her own cigarette and a lighter, lighting Gail's cigarette first, and then her own.

"You smoke?" Gail asked indignantly, only now catching on to the fact.

"Well, about as often as you do." Holly defended herself.

"You're a doctor, Holly! How can you smoke?" Gail was still flabbergasted.

"Uhm. Pot? Kettle?" Holly just answered pointing back and forth between her cigarette and Gail's.

"No, but that's different! You should know better. You've probably seen... diseased lungs and... and... heart failure and stuff." Gail kept her eyes trained on Holly as she sat down next to her.

"Well, you're a cop. You see the horrible things that happen to people every day. Yet you still leave the house." She took a satisfied swig from her beer, knowing that this should end the discussion.

"Touché." Gail took a drag from her cigarette and then regarded it thoughtfully. "You know, I always forget that I don't really like the taste of these. And this is not amnesia-related." She grinned and they both started to chuckle.

"I know. That's what this is for." She handed Gail a fresh beer and the blonde took it gratefully. After taking a swig, she spoke again. "So you know about this." She moved her index finger around in circles. It was obviously more statement than question.

"Did you want to be by yourself?" She asked as lightly as possible, wanting Gail to know that it was okay to say yes. But Gail just laid back and stared up into the sky.

"No. I just realized, you know a lot of things about me. For... obvious reasons. And I know virtually nothing about you. For obvious reasons as well. It just feels unfair, you know?" She looked over at Holly, who was mirroring Gail's position.

"What do you want to know?" Holly got comfortable on the roof. She could stay here for the rest of the night, like this, with Gail, if it weren't for the cold.

"What's your middle name?"

Holly laughed. "Seriously? That's your first question?"

"I thought I'd start slow and easy." Gail shrugged.

"Alright. Amelia."

"Hm. Pretty. So. From the people down there, who do you like best?"

"That's not a question, that's a test." Holly scolded.

"Answer."

"Traci and Oliver." Holly didn't really have to think about it.

"Good. You passed." Gail grinned, as Holly wiped her forehead and hushed in pretend relief. "Phew."

They went on like this for a while, until Gail got to more... personal questions.

"Who proposed?" Holly was stunned silent for a moment. That was a questions she certainly wasn't expecting. She worried her lower lip between her teeth.

"You did." She answered quietly.

"Huh. Who would have thought." Gail was surprised. "Did I do a good job?"

"Well, I said yes." Holly shrugged nonchalantly and Gail smiled.

"Were you under the influence? I don't exactly have a reputation for being marriage material."

"As I said, you're not exactly what you let people think you are. Or what you yourself think you are." Holly was getting a little uncomfortable. Gail's questions were hitting a little too close to home. She tried not to let Gail notice it though. She had the privilege of catching Gail in one of the rare moments where the blonde was actually open to finding out about her life of the last few years. And she knew that asking these questions was hard, especially for someone as guarded as Gail. So she didn't want to spoil it.

"How?" The next question came after a few seconds.

"How what?" Holly was afraid she knew what Gail was referring to.

"How did I propose?" Gail looked at Holly inquisitively, who was pondering her answer.

"Ask again later" was all she replied.

"What are you, a magic eight ball?" Gail snorted. Holly turned to look at the blonde, a look that was soft and earnest.

"I don't think you're ready to hear the answer."

"So when can I ask again?" Gail asked impatiently.

"When you're ready. I think you'll know." Holly nodded and Gail reluctantly mirrored her actions.

"Alright." Holly knew that the silence was treacherous and Gail was already working on her next question, which wasn't going to be much more pleasant than the last one.

"Soooo. Am I any good? At the... lesbian... sex... thing?" The question came hesitantly, but it came. Holly sat up and swung her head around to stare at Gail.

"Really? Don't you want to maybe go back to asking about my favorite color and the name of my first pet hamster or something?" Gail just giggled.

"Come on Holly! I'm drunk, you're drunk. What better time to ask a question like this?" Holly rolled her eyes in response.

"Fine. Yes." She was grateful for the darkness that surrounded them, so that Gail couldn't see her blush.

"Yes? As in _Yes, I am good_?" She sat up to face Holly and grinned triumphantly.

"Yes, okay! Yes, you are very... good. I'm not going to go into any more detail though, alright?!" Holly was growing increasingly uncomfortable, but at the same time she was pleasantly surprised that Gail wasn't shying away from acknowledging their intimate relationship. "Now wipe that cheeky grin off your face already!" She couldn't help but grin. "Anyway, I thought this was about you getting to know _me_?" she tried to deflect.

"Okay. Are _you_ any good? At the lesbian sex thing I mean?" This time the question came out quick like a shot.

"Jesus!" Now Holly was sure her face was a crimson red.

"Well?" Gail raised her eyebrows.

"You have never complained." There was that adorable eye-roll again.

"Huh. You sure? Because I always complain." Gail squinted. This time it was Holly's turn to shrug and grin cheekily. "What can I say?"

They sat in silence for some time, sharing another cigarette that Holly had bummed from the barkeeper and finishing their beers.

"Why aren't you angry with me?" The sudden seriousness was a harsh change from their previous topic of conversation.

"Why would I be angry?"

"Well, because of everything that's happening. Because my... _situation_ is making a mess of things. Because... Because I chose to move in with Steve." Holly frowned and shook her head.

"Why would I be angry with you for that? Are you hurting me on purpose?" Gail flinched. Holly was quick to dismiss Gail's misgivings and Gail was pretty sure that her choice of words wasn't deliberate. She wasn't even sure Holly noticed at all. But Gail did. She had caught Holly off guard and the brunette uttered the first thing that came to her mind. She was _hurting_. Gail was hurting her. Not on purpose. Of course not. But she was.

"You know Nick came by, at the hospital." Gail stared into the distance, her voice pensive.

"Mhm." The brunette pressed her lips together.

"For a moment, I think, he was trying to jump on the amnesia wagon and played the boyfriend." She shouldn't tell Holly this. Nothing good would come from it. She knew that. Still, she felt the need for full disclosure. She couldn't make the hurting go away just like that. But she could do her the courtesy of being open and honest. She could confide in Holly, at least.

Holly just nodded. She hadn't talked to Nick since that day, she didn't know what happened exactly, but she sure had her suspicions.

"Why did you let him?" It almost sounded like an accusation.

"Would you rather I hadn't?" She looked at the blonde. Her question was not defensive, but disarmingly worried, as if she was afraid of having made a mistake.

"No, I... I don't know. I was just wondering. I'm sure you could have denied him access? I guess I would have if... if things were the other way around."

Holly tilted her head.

"It's your choice, Gail. It always has been. Every day, you get to choose what you do and don't want to do, and you get to choose who you want to be with. That day wasn't any different."

 _Well, I didn't choose him._ It was on the tip of her tongue, but she stopped herself from actually saying it. She was afraid it would imply something more. It was the first time that Gail felt like an awkward silence had fallen between the two of them.

"We should probably go back inside." Gail got up slowly and held out her hand to Holly to help her up. "Yeah."

"I think I'll have another beer, warm up a little, and then head home." The blonde explained.

"Sounds like a plan. You want to split a cab?" She wasn't going to let Gail get into a cab by herself. She knew what that did to her. Gail didn't, of course.

"Yeah, sure." Gail nodded and then stepped on the ladder to climb back down, Holly following.

They stuck to their plan of having one more drink and then said their goodbyes, Holly assuring Steve and Traci that she would be taking the blonde home and they could relax and stay without a queasy conscience. When they arrived at Steve's place Gail paid the cab driver and they both got out.

Gail looked at Holly in confusion. "I don't know what you think about me, but I don't put out on the first date." She grinned but quickly was kicking herself internally for yet another inappropriate comment. Fortunately, though, Holly stuck to her _not letting things be weird_ mantra and just chuckled.

"Why, aren't you a real lady? I'm going to walk the rest of the way. It's not that far anyway and I kind of like walking." Holly explained before Gail could actually get the wrong impression.

"I had a feeling you were one of those." Gail nodded as she took a few steps towards Holly and brought her in for a hug.

"Thank you. You know, for being the lesser of the evils and stuff. And for taking me home." She let go of Holly and gave her a bashful smile.

"It was my pleasure. Good night, Gail." Holly smiled back and shoved her hands in her coat pockets, slowly turning around to walk away when she felt Gail's hand placed softly on her back. "Holly?"

"Yeah?" The brunette turned around, both anticipating and dreading what the blonde might be about to say.

"Would you maybe want..." She didn't let Gail finish her sentence. She cupped her cheeks, took a step towards the blonde and pressed her lips onto hers, completely overwhelmed with having Gail so close again. She didn't notice that Gail was unresponsive, didn't notice that her hands circled Holly's forearms in a defensive gesture. It was only when Gail pulled away, putting some distance between the two, that she was startled out of her blissful but brief trance.

"Whoa. What?" Gail sputtered out, confused and somewhat irritated.

"What?" She was still trying to grasp the extent of what had just happened, trying to recreate in her head what had lead her to kiss the blonde. "I thought..." She shook her head.

"I was going to ask whether you wanted to get coffee some time this week." Gail tried to explain her intentions that Holly clearly misinterpreted.

"Oh. I... Shit, sorry." _She had just wanted to hold you back to ask you a simple question. How the fuck did you misinterpret that and thought it was a good idea to kiss her?_

"It's fine, Holly." It wasn't fine, as Gail clearly displayed with her body language.

"Gail, I'm really sorry. I... I've had a lot to drink and I just... jumped the gun. Sorry." They both knew it wasn't the alcohol. They both knew that Holly just did what she had been longing to do for weeks now. They both knew that Holly wasn't trying to force anything on Gail, that she was kicking herself internally for what just happened. But it did happen.

"Really, Holly. It's fine. Don't worry." What else was she supposed to say? Right now, this was the easiest way out of the situation. For both of them.

Holly took a deep breath. Maybe it really was fine? Maybe Gail was able to just let this one slide. Maybe she could write it off as a drunken slip-up.

"Well, I should go inside." Gail pointed at the house as she started walking backwards towards the entrance.

"Sure. Yeah. Of course." Tears shot into Holly's eyes. No. It really wasn't fine. Gail's dismissive demeanor made that clear. "Bye." The blonde said, as she had already half turned around, away from Holly. She watched her enter the house before she turned around herself, making her way home. The tears started running immediately. How could she have lost control like that? They'd had such a great evening together, had made such progress. Now they were back to square one. At best.


	7. Chapter 7

"Knock, knock." He said, instead of actually just knocking on the door of her office.

"Ollie, hey." Her smile didn't travel to her eyes. She really was happy to see him, though. But she was tired. Exhausted, worn out. And probably, she thought, remembering her psych classes, a little depressed.

"Late at work?" Obviously, she was. And obviously, he already knew that. Why else would he show up at her office at 9 in the evening with...

"I brought pizza. But you'll have to share with me. And you'll have to give me beer." It wasn't a question. Oliver had already pulled a chair up to her desk, set the pizza down between them and made his way to the mini fridge, getting out two bottles of beer.

The fridge had been a present from Gail who, albeit finding it charmingly quirky, wasn't all too thrilled about Holly keeping her after-work beer for late nights in the fridge at the lab next to cut off thumbs and tissue samples.

He sat down across from her, placing the beers in front of them, and got out a slice of pizza, looking at Holly expectantly. She sighed, closed her laptop, gathered the paperwork spread out in front of her and moved it all out of the way. She wasn't getting out of this, it seemed. She touched her bottle to his, before taking a long swig. "Thanks for dinner."

"Mhm." He mumbled, his mouth full.

She opened the box to get out a slice for herself, knitting her eyebrows together at the sight of the pepperoni and bacon pizza.

"Doesn't Celery have you on a vegetarian diet?" Ollie shook his head.

"Vegan and gluten free." He corrected her. "But we have a deal. As long as she doesn't know and it's out of the house, I'm allowed to go wild." He grinned as he got out a second slice. "And you, darling, are my accomplice to this wild ride."

Holly chuckled. It was good to hear some semblance of enjoyment coming from her.

"I haven't seen you in a while. What have you been up to?" For the moment, he tried to keep it light.

"Ah well, you know, work mostly. I was in New York for a couple of days."

"Oh yeah, right! The grant ceremony! Congrats by the way!" He raised his bottle and Holly returned the gesture.

"Thanks."

"So how was the Big Apple?"

"Meh. Big. Cold." She had told herself to enjoy getting out of her daily routine, to go running in Central Park, to visit the MoMA, to go to a jazz bar, really to do _any_ of the various distracting things that New York offered, to just take her mind off things, even if it was just for a few days. But truth be told, she could have been just anywhere. She did go to Central Park, even wore her running clothes, but ended up just wandering around until she was too cold. She did visit the MoMA. And again, she ended up just wandering around. She thinks she might have walked past that famous Van Gogh painting.

"Excuse me, but as a Canadian, you are officially not allowed to complain about the cold."

It only earned him a weak smile.

"What about the ceremony? Did they wine and dine you like the pathology rock star that you are?" He was trying to turn the deteriorating mood around, but wasn't very successful.

"I don't know. I hate going to those things... by myself." She finished off the last of her piece and rubbed her hands. An uncomfortable silence fell between the two.

"How are things going?" He leaned back in his chair, his voice turning from playful to the soft fatherly tone he had so often used on Gail.

"Well, I just spared the city three murders." He gave her a puzzled look.

"The three bodies from the warehouse. Accidental poisoning." He nodded. He had heard about the case. "Apart from that, with the research taking off, it's been a lot..." He interrupted her halfhearted account of her work life.

"You know that's not what I meant. How are things going with Gail? How are you feeling?"

She bit her lip.

"Things with Gail are going... They're not. They're not going anywhere. And I'm feeling... I don't really know what or how I'm feeling. Lost, I guess. Lonely. Helpless. Stupid." Holly seemed far away, lost in thought, staring out her office window into the night sky.

"Did something happen? The last time I saw you, at New Year's, you seemed to connect quite well?"

"Yeah." She nodded. "New Year's." She swallowed loudly and turned around to face Oliver.

"I kissed her. I accompanied her home that night and I... kissed her. I haven't seen her since. Or heard from her." Her eyes found his and tears were starting to fall.

"I don't know how to do this, Oliver." She started sobbing and Oliver moved in closer, letting her crash into him and bury her face in his neck.

"I'm sorry darling. I'm so sorry. It's okay." He stroked her back soothingly and let her weep freely. She leaned back in her chair after a long time, wiped the last tears from her face and started massaging her temples.

"I don't know how to do this." She repeated, shaking her head.

"Look, Gail's friend in me would say, she just needs time. Be patient, she deserves that. And I'm sure that it will be worth it in the end. _Your_ friend in me says, there is no shame in admitting defeat. You need to take care of yourself as well. You can't put your life completely on hold. If it's meant to be it's meant to be. And it will happen eventually all the same, you know? Gail has a support system. That's not all on you." Oliver was torn. There really were to hearts beating in his chest, one for Gail and one for Holly. Actually, there was a third one, beating for the both of them. And he really meant what he said. In the end, he was sure, they would be back together. In the end, they were meant to be. He really wanted to hold on to that.

"What? No. That's out of the question. I _will_ be there for Gail, no matter what. If she wants me to, of course. I don't know how to do this, but _admitting defeat_ is not an option. That's not what she signed up for."

"Is this what you signed up for? These _are_ extreme circumstances. Nobody would blame you." It wasn't his goal to dissuade Holly. He just felt like she was being a little too hard on herself, like she was expecting herself to carry all the load on her shoulders.

"I signed up for better or for worse." She scoffed. "Do you know we haven't even had a proper fight or any serious conflict ever since we got married? So... I'm not going to back down at the very first instance of _worse_ that is thrown our way. I just… I don't know… I just have to figure out _how_ to do that."

"Okay. I get it." He got up and got two more beers, opening one for Holly and handing it to her and regarding her conspiratorially.

"So what are we going to do?" She smiled at him gratefully. He had always been one of their biggest supporters. When it came to their wedding, they were both happy to have their fathers walk them down the aisle, but neither could shake the feeling that somehow, it should be Oliver. So Gail chose him to be her best man, and when they said their vows, he was just as proud and his eyes just as watery as their fathers'.

… … …

"Wow. You really are a nerd." The blonde's voice came out of left field, and when she looked up from her book, she was already mounting the barstool next to her.

"Gail? What...?"

"Oliver said I might find you here."

Holly nodded and rolled her eyes. "Oooof course he did."

Oliver had suggested he should talk to Gail. Just to see how she's doing, and maybe, inconspicuously, find out what she thought about that night. Where she stood. Whether she might be open to the idea of seeing Holly. The fact that Gail was here now told her that he wasn't all too inconspicuous after all.

Gail motioned for the bartender. "I'll have what she's having. And... another one for her as well." She pointed at Holly's almost empty glass of wine.

"What are you reading?" Gail picked up Holly's book and closed it to reveal the title, placing her index finger between the pages to mark the spot she had interrupted Holly at. "Paradise Lost. Jeez, Holly. A little light reading for a night at the bar?"

"Well, I actually think it's very fitting. _Especially_ for a night at the bar. You know, temptation, sin, the fall of man." She recounted the major themes in a dramatic manner that made Gail chuckle.

"Sure. Sure. Although I guess if I had to pick a book to read at a bar I'd probably go for Fitzgerald. Tender is the Night, maybe. Or some Irish bloke. They know their drinking. Also very fitting for a night at the bar."

"You know, I'm never in favor of perpetuating stereotypes. But I do think you're onto something with the Irish blokes." Holly gave her a wink. "So I'll let this one slide."

"Thank you. How very generous of you." A brief silence fell between the two.

"So you kissed me. And now you think I see you as some sort of sexual predator and want you to stay away from me."

Holly wanted to say something but was so taken aback by Gail's frank and straightforward summary of events that she was left, mouth agape, at a loss for words.

"It's ok. You weren't entirely wrong. I _was_ a little taken aback at first. Not at the sentiment. I mean, I'm used to people having inappropriate crushes on me."

Holly opened her mouth to protest but Gail preempted her.

"No. No! Sorry, that came out wrong. Strike that, please. In fact, can we just... Let's pretend we're strangers, you and I. Let's pretend we had just met that night. Okay?" Holly nodded patiently.

"So. What I was going for, was... I was taken aback at first because you just _dared_ to kiss me. You know, people don't just kiss me. _I_ kiss people. I guess I just don't look like someone you can just kiss out of the blue and not be slapped in the process. So you just took me by surprise. I wasn't expecting that."

"I know, I'm sor..." Gail held up her hand to stop the brunette.

"I wasn't expecting that. You're different. And I like that. And I really like you, Holly. You're easy to be with, to talk to. _But_ of course, then I started thinking. And the thing is, the intention of that kiss... You have all those _feelings._ Obviously. And that's ok. But I can't... I can't reciprocate that. I'm sorry." Gail's eyes bore into Holly's.

"I know you can't. And that's fine. I really am sorry Gail, I shouldn't have put you in that position. I… I just misread the situation." Gail nodded thoughtfully.

"Look, Holly. I've spent the last weeks trying to avoid everything and everyone, and I can't keep doing that. My situation is not going to change if I keep doing that. And I really want it to. Change, that is. And since it looks like you were a very important part of my life before the accident, I guess you are the key to getting it back. Plus, I really enjoyed hanging out with you. So... Would you be open to that? To… Hanging out?" Gail looked at her pleadingly while Holly thought about it for a long while. Then she straightened her back, and in the spirit of _let's pretend we just met_ , she shot the blonde a smile and continued casually.

"So. Gail, was it? What do you do for a living, Gail?" Gail grinned at her thankfully while Holly picked up her glass.

"Well, _Holly_ , I'm a poli..." She stopped dead in the middle of the sentence.

"Gail?" The brunette raised her eyebrows, unsure of what had just happened.

Gail's hand approached Holly's and she slid her index finger across Holly's wedding band before shaking herself out of her trance.

"Sorry. It's just... The ring. It makes it a little hard to pretend we're strangers, you know?" She looked at Holly, suddenly small and insecure – a vast difference to the Gail that was sitting across from her just a minute ago, full of self-confidence, determination and sass.

"Would you rather... I take it off?" She could hardly bring herself to say it.

"Would you mind?" Gail's tone indicated that she meant it literally, so after a while of deliberation and inner struggle, Holly squeezed out an apologetic but honest "Yes".

They both swallowed heavily and stared straight ahead, unsure of how to move on. Gail was the first to speak up, apparently having regained her initial determination.

"Okay then. Maybe this doesn't work after all. Maybe we pretend we're a married couple and one of us has amnesia. Oh hey, what do you know?!" Gail shrugged and tried to give the conversation a light spin again.

"I'm not sure whether you're serious or joking. How many drinks have you had before coming here?"

"Don't worry, I'm neither drunk nor am I joking. So. Oliver tells me you're a Blue Jays fan?"


	8. Chapter 8

_AUTHOR'S NOTE:_

 _Thank you – again – so much for your feedback and your reviews! It is very much appreciated!_

 _I understand you are frustrated with Gail. I am, too. But she's just not there yet. All in good time. :-)_

 _Enjoy this short chapter, I promise to not leave you hanging for too long and to follow up soon with another update._

* * *

She was staring out of the window in thought, her hands wrapped around the mug in front of her. She could feel the brunette's gaze trained on her, saw the hint of a contented smile playing around her mouth from the corner of her eye. It wasn't an expectant look. She wasn't waiting for Gail to check back in, enter into conversation with her. No pressure. In the time they spent together, Gail had learned that Holly respected the silence. She had also learned that the brunette simply liked looking at her. Maybe she thought she was being inconspicuous, but Gail noticed how she traced every line and every corner of the blonde's face, over and over again. And Gail didn't mind.

They must have sat like that for several minutes when Gail sighed and pulled Holly, who's gaze had followed the blonde's outside some time ago, out of her thoughts. The brunette looked at her, tracing her face, and slowly started to nod.

"So. Tomorrow, huh?" She sat up straight, and Gail could feel the easiness diminishing drastically.

"Yep. Tomorrow. Finally." She gave Holly an exaggerated eye-roll to lighten up the situation a little, but failed.

"Do you feel like you're ready?" Holly raised her brows as she looked at Gail in doubt. If this were anyone else, she would have snapped right then and there. In fact, she _has_ snapped at several of the numerous people who have already asked her that question. And Holly had been carrying it around with her, waiting until the very last day to finally ask. But she knew that Holly didn't really doubt that Gail was ready, or that she was capable of making that decision. She didn't doubt that she would be doing fine. She knew Gail was ready. But Holly wasn't.

"I'm ready. I feel like... I just need to feel like I have some sort of purpose again, you know?" She was playing with the mug in her hands.

"Hey, don't say you didn't have any purpose when I took you to the morgue last week!" When she knew that the day she would be let back to work was drawing nearer, Gail started getting ready. She went to the gym more frequently, spent hours at the shooting range. She dug up all the reading material she could find from her detective training. She sat down with Steve and Traci, grilling them about their personal experiences. And Holly – not entirely selflessly – offered to let the blonde shadow her at work, talking her through those parts of her job that would be useful for a detective's work. Not that any of that was really necessary. Gail was born and bred police. She knew the rights and obligations that came with the job, the pitfalls and the tricks. She grew up with interview and interrogation techniques, first having them used on her by her parents, later using them on friends and schoolmates herself. Or on Nick. He failed miserably every time. She knew how to manage a crime scene, how to prepare a search warrant or how to run an airtight surveillance operation. But going through all those things again, be it in a textbook or by conversation with people who had been doing the job for years now, it silenced her insecurities at least a little.

"Holly. Look, I do enjoy my downtime, I have enjoyed it… for a while. And I loved being your lab assistant for a few days – don't get me wrong." She gave the woman across from her a reassuring smile. "But the past few weeks and months... I need this, Holly." The brunette nodded. She knew. She knew Gail was going crazy doing nothing. She knew that that was where she belonged.

"I know. And I'm happy for you."

"No, you're not." Gail shot back, a little harsher than she had intended. Holly didn't blame her though.

"It's just, I'll never completely get used to how dangerous your job is. That's been the _one_ thing I didn't have to worry about these days." Holly's gaze dropped down to her hands and Gail went back to staring out the window. They both needed a few moments of silence to process what Holly just said.

 _My life has been shattered to pieces when you woke up with amnesia, but at least I didn't have to worry about you not coming home from work every single day._

"I'm sorry. But I... I need you to be okay with this, Holly. Please?" She touched Holly's forearm, challenging the brunette to look at her. She nodded reluctantly.

"Yeah. Okay. Sure. I'm... I'm okay." Holly retracted her arm, leaning back into her seat, her gaze wandering off to nothing in particular that was going on outside.

This was going to be it. The breaking point. And they both knew it. Gail knew she could just not say it. Let them stay in the undefined state they had been in for weeks now. But she couldn't help it. She knew it had to be said. It had been said before, of course. But she felt like it hadn't been definite enough. She felt like every coffee they had, every lunch break Gail came to visit, every movie they watched, every walk and talk, every innocuous encounter they've had, opened the door a little wider to a potential _them._

"I don't just mean me going back to work." It was like she had been pushed towards the edge of a cliff, knowing that she was about to loose her balance and fall. Now all she could do was watch Holly slowly fall apart. "I mean all of it. This. Us." She paused for a moment. "I know this must be incredibly difficult for you. I know this is not what you signed up for. And I wish I could change the way things are. But I can't. And I... I just need to know you're okay? Please?" She was pleading with Holly, scared that this would be the end of them. The end of the friendship they had been building over the past weeks and months.

Holly had become an integral part of Gail's recovery process, of her life, of her new notion of herself. She was her most stable crutch when she required support, she was the one cheering her on when she needed encouragement. And when she didn't know what she needed, she was the one who gave her the space to figure it out. It was safe to say that Holly had become the most important person in her life – and all that in such a short amount of time that it would seem precipitous for a normal person, let alone for someone as closed off as Gail.

Gail had no doubt that Holly was special. The connection they had was special. But it wasn't romantic. Sure, Holly was an attractive woman, Gail could absolutely see how someone would be attracted to the brunette, fall in love with her. But herself? She certainly wasn't ready to be anyone's lover, or girlfriend, let alone someone's wife. And Gail couldn't tell if it would ever get to that point with Holly. She knew, however, that Holly was full of hope. Hope that someday it would. That _this_ would eventually be going somewhere. And she also knew that she couldn't keep playing with that hope. She couldn't let herself – and Holly – bear the weight of it.

"I told you, I'm ok. You really don't need to worry about me. Ok?" She put on a brave smile and changed the subject.


	9. Chapter 9

_AUTHOR'S NOTE:_

 _I promised you a speedy update. Here it is :-)_

* * *

It started that day at the diner. She had just told Holly in no uncertain terms that the thing between them was platonic, nothing more. She had just put an end to ambiguity, to false hope. She had made a choice for the both of them. The choice that the way to go forward for them was as friends. Holly had complied, had put on a brave face and surrendered. Gail knew that that wasn't what the brunette wanted. She knew her heart wasn't in it. Well, no, her heart _was_ in it, and that was exactly the problem. She probably should have taken action there and then. Shouldn't have let Holly torture herself any longer. But she didn't. After some idle conversation they got into the car and Gail took Holly home. No, it didn't start at the diner. It was the moment she got out of the car and walked away towards her apartment building. Bolted, really. It was the moment that did change everything, the actual turning point. The moment the door closed in front of Gail and she realised she may have just made a terrible mistake. The moment she realised she may have been very wrong. _Shit._

…

She shuffled into Holly's lab, greeting her with a grunt.

"Well hello, sunshine!" Holly replied with overly sunny enthusiasm as Gail went to sit on Holly's desk. She didn't really want to come here. She told herself it wasn't true, it was just the circumstances, but she knew she had been trying to avoid Holly since her thoughts and feelings regarding the pathologist had become increasingly confusing over the past weeks. In the end, though, something always made her return to the brunette.

"Rough day?" Holly asked as she stripped off her gloves and washed her hands. Gail had returned to work about two months earlier. She had felt ready for it, couldn't stand to sit around any longer. So when the shrink finally gave the – in Gail's eyes, long overdue – green light, she was full of zest for action. She had to start out slow, though. For the first few weeks, she was first working the desk, then the streets with Oliver, before she got to start up with the Ds again. That was her job, after all. She wasn't a beat cop any longer. She was a detective. For the moment, of course, she was always assigned to one of the other detectives. To watch and learn, take point. She kept complaining about the long and tedious way back, about being treated like the new kid, like an idiot, never getting to do anything on her own. But deep down, she appreciated it. Sure, she had been preparing for this job basically since she was able to walk and talk. She was a fast learner. And all the things she didn't know, she made up for with her instincts. And that's what this whole shadowing thing was mostly about. Gail had to learn to trust her instincts again. So maybe, it wasn't the worst thing ever.

"Yeah well, it's about to get even worse." Gail sighed, handing Holly a cup of coffee as she approached and then took a few steps back again, leaning against the autopsy table.

"Well, thank you. I'm happy to see you, too." She sarcastically threw back at Gail before raising her cup and drinking from the latte Gail had brought her. With an indignant look, Gail started explaining.

"My mom has this birthday thing tonight. The _official_ thing. With all those important police people and stuff, you know? Fancy finger food and boring small talk. I've always hated those." She shook her head and rolled her eyes.

"Can't you get out of it?" Holly couldn't imagine that Elaine would force Gail to come, considering her situation. She had talked to Elaine a few days earlier, the actual day of her birthday. She knew about the party of course. And Elaine had told her that Gail promised she would come and asked Holly if she would accompany her. She thought she could need the support. She thought she wasn't ready. She didn't know why Gail would expose herself to an event she knew she hated. Holly had told her that she would of course join Gail, if the blonde asked. If she wanted her to. The two of them had gotten fairly close these past months, but the last thing Holly wanted to do was force her way back into Gail's life, especially after their last conversation (if you could even call it that) about _them_. She wanted it to be Gail's choice – the kind and the extent of her involvement.

…

It happened that day at the diner. Something had changed that day. Well, everything had changed, basically. Gail had set clear and definite boundaries to their relationship and Holly had never tried so hard to keep it together. She was falling apart inside, but on the outside, her mouth said that it was okay and she put on a brave face. Everything that happened after that was a blur. She knew that she should have taken the out Gail offered her, knew that she was headed for (even more) heartbreak if she continued on that road with her. She knew that her heart wasn't capable of being _just_ Gail's friend. Not in the long run. But what was the alternative? Being _nothing_ to her? No. Turning around was not an option. Not at this point, anyway. She held it together until she was out of Gail's car, happy that it was already dark outside so she could let the tears run more freely while she hurried inside her building.

It was the moment she closed her apartment door and sunk to the floor, finally cracking under the weight of it all. It was when she knew that she had to protect herself, her heart. A little, at least. She would stop throwing everything she had to give at Gail, until there was nothing left. She would take a step back. Just a tiny step. It was time to make that decision she had dreaded ever since Gail's accident. The decision to get some emotional distance.

She was almost relieved when Gail basically disappeared from her life for the next two weeks or so. And equally happy when she came out of hiding. To be fair, it wasn't just Gail who disappeared. Holly had taken a week off, using her research as a pretext, when really, she just needed time and space. To be sad, to be broken, to get some perspective, to breathe, to figure things out.

Same as Holly, Gail seemed to have some difficulty adjusting to everything, figuring out how to do it all. Her new life, work, Holly, the situation they found themselves in. Every time they got closer, made some progress, it felt like Gail was trying to distance herself. Holly wasn't entirely sure about the reason and purpose of it, though. Did she do it to spare Holly? Did she feel like Holly crossed the line when they were hanging out? That could hardly be the case, the brunette thought, given how she made a point of keeping their encounters casual. Or did it maybe have less to do with Holly than with Gail herself? Whatever the reason, eventually it didn't matter anyway. Eventually, it was always Gail who came back. Eventually, it was always Gail who sought out Holly's proximity again. And the attempts to distance herself grew more half-hearted and brief as time went by.

…

"Nope. I mean, I probably could. Elaine told me that she would understand if I didn't come. That it was all up to me." Holly raised her eyebrows. She didn't really understand the problem.

"So? Don't go." She said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"But I already told her I'd come." Gail replied as she rolled her eyes.

"I'm sure she'll understand if you cancel, Gail." She tried to reassure her. She knew that for the Elaine that Gail remembered, a last minute cancellation like this would be out of the question.

"But that's not the point, Holly!" Gail spat a little more forcefully than she had intended to. She noticed the surprised look on Holly's face at the sudden change of tone, but she couldn't help but continue her rant. She knew that, after all, that was the reason she came here for. "I don't _want_ to cancel. I've made a commitment, and I'm going to stick to it. Even if my mother is not going to hold me to it. I want to be held to it, you know?! I'm tired of being treated like that basket case that can behave whichever way she wants and all she gets in return is understanding faces!" Holly tilted her head to the side and regarded Gail sympathetically and with worry.

"Okay." She finally nodded. "Sorry. So. There's no out."

"Nope." Gail sighed dramatically, having calmed down from her rant a little.

…

The moment Holly disappeared behind the closing door, she was overwhelmed by an onslaught of tears. She sat in her car, sobbing uncontrollably, for a long while, until she managed to catch her breath a little. All those images flashed across her mind. Images of Holly. Her crooked smile, the way she used to tilt her head, the way she worried her lip between her teeth. The way she looked at Gail, with worry, or apology, or curiosity. Always with love.

She was overcome by the sudden feeling of loss, this profound emptiness inside her. She _missed_ Holly. Actually, physically, missed her.

What was it? Maybe an hour ago? When she denied all and any romantic feeling towards Holly? Right now, that notion seemed completely absurd. But which one was real? Which one was the truth? Was she suddenly convinced she had feelings for Holly because she thought that's what Holly deserved? Because she thought that was what she was supposed to feel? Because she was afraid of losing her and was desperately looking for a way to keep her around? Because, let's face it, it was only a matter of time until either Holly's patience or her capacity for suffering were used up. Or had she just been convinced earlier that there was nothing between her and Holly because she simply couldn't remember ever being into girls? Or because everyone told her how much she loved Holly and she never liked doing what everyone told her to? Or had it just been chance that she fell in love with Holly then and it was chance that she didn't now? Maybe Holly had changed into someone less lovable? Or maybe Gail had changed into someone less loving?

Had Gail changed? Changed what, exactly? And into whom? The more she started to get to the bottom of her Holly dilemma, the more her mind spun out of control. What was real? What was true? She was constantly stuck in limbo between the absence of memories and the reported reality, between the expectations, the recollections of what she used to do, was supposed to do, supposed to feel and the lack of time and opportunity to actually experience her life as it happened. _Is this the real life_? It all just kept spinning and spinning and spinning.

She opened the door of the driver's seat and emptied the contents of her stomach, slouched back into her seat and let the cold air hit her while she was sobbing again – or still?

She pretty much hid away for the next two weeks. Sure, there was work. Work, that she was happy to get back to, that gave her at least some kind of anchor in reality, something she was familiar with. But when she had done her duty, she rejected all suggestions for after-work drinks or activities, even when they came from Oliver. She went straight to Steve's house and locked herself away in her room. What was real? What was true? She kept asking herself the same questions over and over again, trying to figure out where she stood on the subject of Holly. All the other questions could wait for later. She was relieved when Holly wasn't there the day she was sent to the morgue. She was pretty sure she would have just turned on her heels and walked the other way, for lack of even the faintest idea of what to say to the brunette.

What was real? What was real was that being with Holly was never hard. What was real was that talking to her never felt forced, and sitting in silence with her never felt uncomfortable. What was real was that with Holly, the spinning stopped. Those were the few things she knew to be true.

…

"Well, just remember, you've made it through dozens of these evenings before. You may have hated each and every one of them, but you survived. And you will this time. You just need to get through a few uncomfortable hours." She thought that reason was the best way to appease an upset Gail. Instead, what she got was an indignant look from the blonde.

"I know I'll survive, Holly! I just have no idea how. And I don't know if everyone else will." She raised an eyebrow at Holly suggestively.

"All you have to do is get through a few hours of nodding and smiling politely. I mean, those people are usually so full of themselves that all they want to do is hear themselves talk and have someone listening and agreeing quietly." After four years in the Peck family and a number of other work-related _parties_ that weren't much different, Holly knew what she was talking about. Those people weren't looking for actual conversation. Even when they asked you a question, they mostly just answered it themselves in the same breath.

"And what if this time they don't want to just hear themselves talk? They all must know about the accident, they all know I've been on leave for quite some time. I don't know if they know about the..." she swirled her finger around her head "...amnesia and stuff. What if they ask me about it? What if they ask... about you? What if they bring up something that happened in the last few years and I have know idea what they're talking about? What do I say? What do I do?"

"Hey. You are conjuring up the worst case scenario here. Just... Just be yourself, Gail. Be yourself, and you'll be fine." Suddenly, the pen Gail had been playing with hit the wall with a loud bang and the blonde started yelling.

"But I don't know who the hell that is, Holly!" Gail realised she may have taken it a little too far with the yelling. After all it certainly wasn't Holly's fault – quite the opposite. She continued, now almost in a whisper.

"I don't know who that is, Holly. I don't know who that is when I'm not... When I'm... I don't know." _When I'm not with you._ That's what she wanted to say. That was the truth. She couldn't say it though, but she hoped Holly would understand. Understand what that sentence really meant, understand why Gail made her way to Holly's lab today, understand why she spilled her guts to the brunette. And of course she did. She did, and Gail didn't know why she was afraid she wouldn't.

"I could come with you?" She suggested plainly. "Make sure you always got a drink in your hand to make it through the boring conversations, pull you into a quiet corner if you need an out, bitch about all those people who are just full of themselves with you?" Holly pulled a face of mock anticipation and excitement.

"I can't do that to you." Gail answered reluctantly, all the while hoping that Holly wouldn't take her too seriously.

"Come on, it'll be fun!" Holly knew how hard it was for Gail to ask for help, be it in a straightforward way, or the cryptic one, like just now. It had always been hard, and she supposed it was even harder now that she felt weak and like a _basket case_. But Holly also knew how to handle her. How to kind of make Gail feel like Holly coming to the party was actually her own idea and not the blonde's – even thought they both knew, of course, that it wasn't.

"You sure?" Gail asked cautiously.

"Yeah, I'm sure." The smile on Holly's face eased Gail's mind a little.


	10. Chapter 10

They arrived at the Peck house simultaneously, Gail getting a ride with Steve and Traci, Holly in her own car. She wanted to be able to take the blonde home at any time. They rang the doorbell, lined up on the stairs. Gail, Steve, Traci, and finally Holly. Traci was here with Steve. She was here as his fiancée. He held her hand, pulled her up next to him after Gail had entered the house, and gently lead her inside with a hand carefully placed on the small of her back. Holly was here with Gail, sure, but still, she was left to fend for herself. An appreciative smile and nod, and a shy "Hey". That was Gail's greeting to Holly. And now here she was, queuing on the stairs in front of Bill and Elaine's house. Unlike Traci, she had no anchor, and for a moment she felt like she didn't belong, had no business being here, and the thought brought a sting of tears to her eyes that she quickly fought back down.

She knew it wasn't true. She knew that, as far as Bill and Elaine, and Steve and Traci, were concerned, she was a fully-fledged member of this family. She was always welcome in their home. She didn't _need_ an anchor, because she was here in her own right. In the aftermath of Gail's accident, everyone had made sure to stay in touch with her, keep her up to date, ask her how she was doing. She was always invited to these things and to family gatherings, just like Christmas, and she always decided it was best not to come, unless Gail explicitly wanted her to. She knew she couldn't blame Gail for the half-hearted greeting or her seeming improvidence. She knew Gail was grateful Holly was here with her, knew that she simply had no idea how to act, knew that – just like it had been the past weeks and months – it was just the stifling insecurity paralysing her. And immediately, she felt bad for feeling bad. She shook off the self-pity and took a step forward to face Elaine.

Gail watched the scene in amazement. The way her mother regarded Holly with gratitude and relief, and the genuine joy of seeing her here. She pulled her into a fierce hug like you would a long lost friend, whispered something into Holly's ear that Gail couldn't make out, and seemed like she didn't want to let the brunette go. And the funny thing was, Holly reciprocated, enveloped Elaine in her arms, and she could see at least some of the tension fall off from the brunette. And then she approached Bill, who drew her in for one of those fatherly hugs and placed a kiss on Holly's temple, just like he would with Gail. "It's good to see you, Holly." He said as he let her go, and Holly nodded and smiled at him. And Gail saw it. Saw how this was a special occasion for Holly too, and how she made an effort to take a backseat, because this wasn't about her. It was about Elaine, and about Gail. She was here for Gail. She also saw how Holly moved around the house, around the kitchen, around Gail's family, with an ease and comfort that told her that this had become Holly's family as much as it was Gail's, minus the awkwardness that was rooted in their past.

They had arrived about an hour early to help Elaine with the final preparations, putting together the hors d'oeuvre plates, and getting a few moments of quiet together before the madness started. When everything was set up for the party guests to arrive, Holly took a moment to retreat to the porch. After a while, she heard firm footsteps approach from behind. Steve nudged her shoulder and held out a glass of scotch for her.

"I'm driving." Holly shrugged as she turned to look at her brother-in-law.

"Which is why you have to get in a few drinks now. Gives you time to sober up." He grinned and Holly couldn't help but grin back at the logic that could have been Gail's. She took the glass and clinked it with Steve's before taking a sip.

"Thanks." She muttered after she let the warmth of the liquid run down her throat.

"Thank you, Holly. For being here for Gail." He leaned against the banister, letting Holly stare out towards the yard.

"Of course I'm here. She's... Of course I'm here." Her voice trailed off as she took another sip from her glass.

"You know she appreciates it, right? She may not act like it, but she really does." He didn't know who he was hurting for more, didn't know which was the heavier fate. Not remembering and having to come to terms with a reality that seems foreign, all the while knowing that what you don't remember might well be the happiest part of your life. Or remembering every second of it, having it all right in front of you, not only the memories, but also the reality, your wife, who is there but isn't. Who is within reach, but whom you can't touch, can't kiss, can't take home. As if the past four years never happened, even though you're sure they did.

"I know." She nodded and kept staring out into the distance.

"I know this is hard for you, Holly. I can't even imagine _how_ hard. Just... hang in there. Be patient." What do you say to someone in a situation like that? He obviously didn't know.

"Be patient? And what's going to happen with patience, Steve?" Her tone was a lot harsher than she intended it to be, letting her frustration out on Steve. They stared at each other for a few moments before Steve evaded Holly's gaze, at a loss for words.

"Sorry. I know it's not your fault. Of course I'll be patient. Of course I'll wait. I just... I keep thinking. What if she never remembers? What if she never remembers that she loves me? What if she never falls in love with me? When have you reached the point where you have to admit to yourself that it's just not going to happen? And what does that say about our relationship? Maybe she just met me at a bad time in her life, you know? Recently single, vulnerable, disappointed by men, feeling like she didn't have friends she could count on. What if I just took advantage of that? What if none of it was real?" She let the tears fall freely now, no longer able or willing to hold them back.

"Do you honestly believe that? That it wasn't real? Don't you remember the way she used to look at you? Like she saw her whole life in your eyes. Like she didn't care whether the whole planet would be razed to the ground as long as she was with you? Like you were the answer to all the questions? Because I do." He felt tears creep up into his own eyes and he wasn't sure weather they were sad or angry tears. Holly took a deep breath and another sip from her scotch, which Steve took as silent acceptance.

"Hey. People are arriving." Traci stepped out onto the porch and saw Holly's eyes reddened from crying. She wiped away the last remnants of tears, downed her drink, straightened her dress and started walking towards the living room. She was held back by Traci grabbing her arm.

"You don't have to do this, you know?" She looked at her sympathetically.

"Yes I do. I love her. I promised her. She may not remember, but I do." She brushed past Traci and looked for Gail once she was back inside.

"Hey. You alright?" She rested her hand on Gail's shoulder softly, and while the blonde's initial instinct was to pull away, she quickly appreciated the soothing effect it had.

"Yeah, I think." She nodded, trying to convince not only Holly, but herself as well. She turned to the left to catch a glance at Holly's face.

"Are you? Ok?" She quickly turned away from Gail, not wanting to be scrutinised by the blonde like that.

"Of course." She looked towards the door as the first guests entered the living room.

"Showtime." Gail whispered, her voice unsteady.

"Sweety." Gail's head whipped around to face Holly, who had a wicked grin on her face at Gail's reaction.

"What?" Gail asked in disbelief.

"That's the codeword. Sweetheart. Sweety. Anything along those lines. Ok?"

"K." Gail nodded.

And so it began, and Gail and Holly were immediately wrapped up in conversation with the Liebermans, old family friends. After that, they had to endure the whining of one of Elaine's old college friends, recently divorced, going on and on about how they were doing it right and how she should become a lesbian, too. After that, Holly gave both of them a little timeout, before mingling again. There were a few more boring and stilted conversations that went smoothly thanks to Holly. And then she was left to fend for herself for only a few minutes in which Holly went to get her another drink, and suddenly, she was lost. She didn't know how it happened, but suddenly she found herself in a conversation with this guy who kept telling her about his son, and how accomplished he was. And then, just in the right moment, she felt Holly's warmth on her shoulder, and breathed out in relief.

"Sweety, there you are!" Gail beamed at Holly excessively.

She held out a drink for the blonde and when she had taken it out of her hands offered her hand to greet the stranger.

"Hello, I don't believe we've met. I'm Holly Stewart. It's a pleasure." She didn't let the guy get in a word edgewise. "I'm sorry I have to steal this one away from you. Enjoy your evening." She took Gail's hand in hers and led her out the living room and up the stairs to the blonde's childhood room. She loosened her grip on Gail's hand, but Gail kept holding on. She probably didn't even realise she was still holding Holly's hand, the brunette thought. Until she let go and sat down on the bed, Holly closing the door behind her and leaning back against it. Gail took a deep breath.

"You're doing great." Holly tried to encourage her, at which Gail just snorted.

"No. _You're_ doing great. I'm just trying my best not to be too weird." Holly couldn't help but giggle.

"What?" The blonde squinted at her.

"Nothing." She lifted her hands in defense. "It's just... you _are_ weird. Always have been. That's kind of your thing." She stopped for a moment and regarded Gail who looked at her in doubt. "Just... Stop trying to be something you think you're supposed to be and start being whoever you feel like being." The blonde just shook her head. "I know it's easier said than done. But... try."

"I don't know what I'd be doing without you. Tonight." She didn't mean to add that last bit. The truth was, what she meant was _I don't know what I'd be doing without you._ Full stop. The end. She could no longer deny that she was drawn to Holly in every sense of the word. She wanted to share things with Holly, wanted Holly to share things with her. She felt like Holly was her safe haven, felt like she was the only person she could truly feel at ease with. Being with Holly made her feel light, made her feel safe. She missed her. Constantly. She felt this need to touch her and be touched by her. She wanted to know what her lips felt like on hers, what her skin tasted like, wanted to know the shape of her hip bones and the curve underneath her rib cage. Only she couldn't take the plunge, wasn't ready to expose herself like that, even though she knew without a doubt that Holly wouldn't reject her advances. Maybe that was exactly the problem. She was well aware of Holly's feelings, and they scared her. She was afraid she couldn't meet her expectations, afraid she couldn't fill her own shoes, the _old Gail's_ shoes, was afraid she wouldn't be enough for Holly. And she was afraid of the pressure. Because whatever they started, they wouldn't be starting at square one. What Holly felt for her, was what you feel after four years of being with someone, after marrying someone. What if she would never get there? What if this was just a fling to her and after the initial excitement died down she would realise there was nothing more there? She was well aware of the fact that Holly was hurting, and it pained her. But she couldn't risk causing even more hurt. There was no margin for error here.

"Gail." Holly's soft voice ripped Gail from her thoughts. "You would be doing just fine."

"Yeah." Gail nodded. "Just fine." _Nothing more, though. Never anything more._ "We should go back downstairs." She got up and approached the door, took Holly by the hand and led her back down the stairs. As they entered the living room, they ran into the Hendersons, who greeted them with delight.

"It is so good to see you two here, together." Barbara said, which earned her a puzzled and slightly irritated "Ok?" from Gail.

"Well, our son had us a little worried when he told us he hadn't seen you wear your wedding ring in a while. It would be such a shame to see you two split up. Such a lovely couple." Holly could see the conflict going on inside of Gail, torn between appreciation of this certainly genuine and heartfelt worry from the family friends, the annoyance at the obvious intrusion of her private life, and mostly panic, being at a loss for what to say.

"Uhm, I..." she stammered as she sought out Holly for help. She could see the pain at their observation, which only brought their current situation back to mind, ghost over her face, but the brunette recovered quickly.

"Ugh… She always takes off her ring when she's at the gym, and this one time, it just... disappeared. But she's adamant that she'll somehow, miraculously, find it again and that she doesn't want any other ring. So who am I to argue?" She sniggered and put her arm around Gail's waist in an attempt to show off how everything was just peachy, and Gail leaned into her and smiled, grateful that Holly came up with a story that seemed to satisfy the two. After a little more small talk and more good wishes for their future from the Hendersons, the couple moved on.

"Thank you." Gail whispered, unable to meet Holly's eyes. All of a sudden, an incredible guilt washed over her. She hadn't really felt guilty about not wearing the wedding band until just now. If anything, it was the thought of wearing it while she couldn't even remember Holly's face that had seemed plain wrong. And she was sure that Holly didn't hold it against her, that she understood. Still, the look on Holly's face spoke volumes. Not about what she thought of Gail not wearing the ring, but about what that little detail stood for. The bigger picture. And even though Gail knew she couldn't change the bigger picture right now, and no-one was expecting that from her, least of all Holly, she felt responsible.

"Hey." Holly crouched down slightly, and grabbed Gail by the chin, tilting her face up, so that their eyes could meet. "That's what I'm here for." She gave the blonde an encouraging smile and waited for her to smile back.

They made it through the next hour or so with ease, Gail getting more comfortable in her role as _the wife_ with every conversation they weathered. She almost started to enjoy it. Well, truth be told, what she enjoyed was watching Holly – impressed with how she managed the polite smalltalk with ease, how she waltzed through the uncomfortable silences, how charm seemed to come so effortlessly to her. At the same time, conversation by conversation, she saw the cracks in that impeccable and charming exterior a little bit more clearly. Saw the sarcasm in her comments shine through, saw the bored nonchalance with which she worked through the conversations, saw how, in her head, she was keeping herself entertained by treating this as if it was a game. These observations brought a constant smirk to Gail's face and at the same time gave her an in to the conversations. Sarcasm and mockery, she could certainly work with that. So she chimed in more and more often, maintaining an additional level of conversation that was just for Holly and her.

And then she made the mistake of going to the bathroom, and when she came back, Holly was nowhere to be seen. Before she managed to hide out somewhere until Holly would find her, Greg Schuler caught sight of her and practically chased her through half the room, forcing a conversation on her.

After a few minutes she felt a hand on her shoulder again and she knew, without a doubt, that this time it wasn't Holly's. The voice that came from behind just a moment later verified that.

"Gail, honey, would you be a dear and help me out in the kitchen?" She knew that tone from her mother all too well. It was this fake, over-the-top friendliness that her mother mastered to perfection.

She looked back at her mother, giving her a tight-lipped smile "Of course, mother", before turning back to the old guy she had been talking to and delivering her apologies with the exact same smile.

She followed Elaine into the kitchen, sighing with annoyance as they were finally alone. "So what do you need?" She threw a glance at Gail before turning back towards the kitchen cabinet and getting out two glasses. She knew Gail still didn't fully trust her good intentions. She opened the door to the pantry and tilted her head towards it, silently ordering Gail to enter the room. She turned on the light and reached for the bottle hidden in the back of one of the shelves. She turned around to Gail, briefly holding out the bottle to her, before opening it.

"This is the really good stuff. Not suitable for the masses." She smirked as she poured both of them a glass. She picked up hers and touched it to Gail's before taking a small sip of the amber liquid and closing her eyes, appreciating every layer of its taste. She then took a seat on one of the boxes on the floor, pointing out the stepladder for Gail. Gail mirrored her actions before regarding Elaine with suspicion.

"Why did you bring me here?" She couldn't believe it was for a glass of nice scotch. _Really_ nice scotch.

"In the past four minutes, while talking to that magpie Schuler, your eyes have darted to the empty glass in your hand helplessly a total of eleven times, each of them followed by a desperate sweep of the room for Holly, who has been stolen away by one of your father's colleagues. I thought you could use a time-out." She smiled at her daughter who still regarded her in disbelief.

"Why do you keep that bottle hidden in the pantry?" Did she foresee this? That Gail would need rescuing in the form of alcohol and a quiet place to enjoy it?

"How do you think I get through these evenings?" She winked at Gail. Three years ago, at a similar kind of party, Gail was the first person apart from her husband to be let in on her little tradition. Back then, like today, she had asked for Gail's help in the kitchen. Unlike today though, it was not because she thought Gail needed rescuing, but because Elaine simply wanted to share this with her.

Gail snorted. "Come on. You _love_ this." She waved her hand in the direction of the muffled sound of voices.

"Just because I'm good at it doesn't mean I love it." Elaine fired back, her voice defensive, but mostly sad, earning a surprised look from Gail. "Half the people out there are here to suck up to me. The other half, I invited to suck up to _them_. It's dreadful, really." Gail knitted her eyebrows together. She had never heard her mother talk to her like this. This openly, honestly. She had never seen her gloom about these aspects of her job. She hadn't known about her mother's struggle, seeing as she always seemed to be completely in her element during these social gatherings.

"Why do you keep doing it then?" Gail asked inquisitively.

Elaine just shrugged. "It's what is expected of me. It's part of the job. I don't like it, but I love my job, and I guess I just learned to play the game in order to get and keep it." She suddenly felt sad and guilty. She had never understood her mother's behaviour, she had never tried to understand it, and she had never tried to get to the bottom of her motives and her reasons. Quite the opposite, she had been constantly resenting her mother for the way she was – sometimes more, sometimes less, but it was always there. She had never even remotely entertained the idea that her mother might not always be in charge of everything. She had never considered the possibility that she had those expectations towards Gail, because she didn't know any better, because she herself had constantly been faced with them – and, apparently, still is.

"Last year... Last year, I had the best birthday ever. Your father had just gotten his spleen removed, so I could use the fact that he still had to recover as an excuse to cancel all that hoopla. The day of my birthday, I picked your dad up from the hospital and he made me drive to that coffee shop on the beach where he used to take me when we were younger. He invited me to a coffee and some cheesecake and we just sat there and talked and stared out the window, watching the people walking by." She topped up both their glasses before continuing. "When we got back home, you and Holly had made dinner. Mexican. And you proclaimed that that night there would be nothing fancy enough to ever qualify for those boring gatherings of stiff and dusty old people. Leo played _Happy Birthday_ on the saxophone for me, and I don't think I have ever before heard anything that hurt my ears like that." Elaine was giggling. "He had just gotten started, you know. And we sat by the fire and drank that Mexican beer and Tequila and laughed and told stories, and suddenly it was 3 am. Leo had long been asleep in your brother's old room, and since they didn't dare wake him, Steve and Traci spent the night and convinced you to stay, too. The next day, we all crept out of our beds around noon, and your father had made pancakes and eggs and, most importantly, bacon, to help with the hangover. And of course Holly made an extra badge of eggs for you since you insisted those were the only eggs you would eat. It had been a long time since I'd felt _that_ horrible, I gotta say. But it was totally worth it." She smiled at Gail, and the blonde smiled back, amazed with the person her mother turned out to be, more and more so each time Gail gave her the chance to show it. The way she told that story, hardly able to contain the genuine smile, her eyes glowing with unadulterated happiness at the memories, it caught Gail off guard, and she didn't really know what to say to her mother. She hoped the smile would be a step in the right direction.

"I know you hate this. You always have, and I guess you always will. And believe me, I understand. So I really appreciate you coming tonight. I told you, you didn't need to, and I hope you know I really meant it. So, you being here, it means a lot. Thank you Gail." Gail just shrugged in response, not sure how to react to her mother's openness.

"I told you I'd come." Elaine smiled. Gail always thought differently, but she could read her daughter well. She knew how to read between the lines. She knew that this meant that the fact that she _told_ her she'd come was the reason she _did_ come in the end.

"I was also happy to see Holly. I think it's good you brought her." She knew exactly why Holly was here.

"Yeah well, I... She... offered." Gail looked at the floor somewhat sheepishly. Holly didn't exactly _offer_. More like, Gail begged her – in her own Gail fashion, of course. Come to think of it, she was just using Holly tonight, which made her feel like a horrible person. Elaine caught Gail's dejected look and the cogwheels turning in her head.

"Gail, we are not so different, you and I. We're both strong women. We both seem hard on the outside. We're both self-sufficient. We could certainly handle everything that's thrown our way on our own. And we're both lucky enough to have found someone who let us know that we don't need to. Who made us realise that we don't _want_ to. Someone who taught us that some things are more beautiful when you share them, more meaningful when you share them. That some things are more bearable, _easier_ , when you share them. And that there's no shame in that." Gail looked up at Elaine. "You know, your father hates these things too. Maybe not as much as you do, but he does. Still, he has accompanied me to every single one of them. Police functions, brunches, fundraisers, birthdays, you name it. He didn't need to. Well, except on days like today, of course, when there's simply no way out. He did it anyway. He insisted. He would remind me to get in a glass of water every now and then, would make sure I got a few bites to eat. He would stall the people he knew I've been wanting to talk to but haven't got around to yet. He would let me know when my dress or my uniform wasn't sitting correctly, or when my lipstick no longer looked fresh. And when he noticed I needed an out, he would come up with some excuse why he needed to talk to me in private or why we needed to leave." She went silent for a while, tracing the rim of her glass with her index finger. She didn't want to push Gail too far, didn't want to cross any lines. But Gail seemed as open as she hadn't seen her in months. She felt like today, she managed to open a few doors.

"You know... When I see Holly with you, I'm reminded of your father." Gail narrowed her eyes. "I know it's not really any of my business. And you need to do whatever feels right. You should just remember that Holly... She loves you. Unconditionally. And you should let her. In whichever way you can. You should let her love you. You need that in your life. We all do."

It pained her to see her daughter go through this. It had taken her some time, but then, seeing Gail that happy and that free, with Holly, seeing Gail be _that_ loved and embracing it, had become one of her greatest joys. Elaine downed the last of her scotch and got up. She wasn't expecting any kind of reply from Gail.

"I'll go look for Holly and have her take you home? You've certainly been through enough torture tonight." Gail nodded, worrying her lower lip between her teeth.

"Mom?" Elaine was just about to open the door when she heard Gail's voice, barely a whisper. She turned around to look at the blonde.

"You really have changed, haven't you?" She received an open, loving smile from her mother.

"I'd like to think I have." Both women nodded.

"Thanks." Gail said as she raised her glass and finished the last of her drink.


	11. Chapter 11

"I'm really sorry I had to leave you to fend for yourself. That Erikson guy just wouldn't stop talking." That was all that Holly had thought about, while Ned Erikson went on and on about... she wants to say wine? She didn't remember, or rather, she didn't really listen in the first place and just applied the _nod and smile_ technique while her mind was preoccupied with how Gail was doing and how she could get the guy to shut up without being impolite. He was a good friend of Bill's after all.

"Don't worry. Elaine came to my rescue." She turned towards Holly and smiled, letting her know it was ok, before her eyes drifted off in thought. "Huh. There's a sentence I never thought I'd say." She chuckled and Holly gave her a relieved smile.

"She's not the woman you remember her to be. You should give her a chance." Holly had basically only seen various stages of the understanding, warm, loving and supportive person that Elaine had slowly become. After a few awkward, uncomfortable encounters in the very beginning of their relationship, Gail had successfully shielded Holly from Elaine's inappropriate behaviour, her disapproval and her outbursts, until she was sure that Elaine had come around. She mostly knew the old Elaine from Gail's stories. And while she resented her for everything that had done to Gail, as Gail slowly broke free from her mother's hold, came to terms with the past and started forgiving and even understanding Elaine, so did she. Having witnessed that process up close, she knew that Elaine deserved to get back to where they had been. They both did.

Gail shook her head and pressed it into the headrest, chuckling.

"What?" Holly asked with curiosity.

"Nothing. It's just... this whole big happy family thing. It's really confusing. It's weird. I don't really know what to make of it." She turned back to look at Holly. The chuckle was gone, the lightness in Gail's voice, and Holly saw the underlying insecurity creeping back up in Gail, her family another reminder that she found herself in a reality, in a life, that was mostly foreign to her.

Holly grabbed Gail's hand, resting on her thigh, and squeezed it lightly. "Just give it time. Give yourself time to figure it all out. No-one is going anywhere." Gail closed her eyes, letting the warmth of Holly's hand envelop hers. She opened her eyes again, seeking out Holly's.

"What about you?" Her voice was barely a whisper, her face laced with such insecurity and shyness that it broke Holly's heart.

"What about me?" The brunette questioned.

"Are you... going... anywhere?" She could hardly bring herself to say it. But she had to know. The conversation with her mother only confirmed what she already knew deep down. That she simply needed Holly. Not in the literal sense of the word, maybe. Gail had been a loner once, and she could be again. But she didn't want to. She knew that everything would be easier, more beautiful, more meaningful, with Holly in her life.

Holly turned towards Gail, tilting her head to the side, urging her to believe her, to lose the doubt.

"Gail. I'm right here." She resisted the urge to take Gail's hand into hers once again, resisted the urge to run her fingers through her hair, down her cheeks, kiss her soft lips. Just like she had done for months now.

"Thank you. Thank you for coming tonight. Thank you for... everything." Holly gave her her best smile.

"Of course, Gail. Anytime." Gail nodded gratefully.

"Can we sit here, for a little bit?" - "Sure" Holly replied, and Gail let her head fall back into the headrest, taking a deep breath and closing her eyes.

She loved sharing the silence with Holly. She could feel the warmth of Holly's body to her left, could feel her presence, the soft and attentive gaze she let roam over the blonde. She focused on her breathing, Holly's breathing. And there it was again. The Holly effect. The spinning stopped and for a few moments, everything falling into place seemed perfectly within reach. She could just reach out to her left and take Holly's hand in hers, she thought. She thought, but she didn't.

It was moments like these when she let go of all of her frustrations with Gail. Moments in which every part of her knew what her head was telling her all the time. That Gail was just a victim of circumstance, that she didn't know any better when she acted all distant or even dismissive, that not knowing any better tore her apart inside, and that the way out of this predicament was not an easy one to find and to walk on. Moments in which she knew that Gail felt it too, in some capacity at least. That she felt that, somehow, they were right together.

Gail let out a sigh that pulled them both out of their thoughts and they went back to staring out the window at Steve and Traci's house. After a few more moments in silence, Gail turned toward Holly.

"What do you want to do?" Holly had a feeling that Gail still needed something else, that she wasn't ready yet to call it a day.

"I don't know. I just don't want to go in there yet." She pressed the back of her head into the headrest again.

"How about a movie?" Holly suggested, and Gail agreed.

Neither of them moved when the credits started rolling. And when the screen went black, and then switched back to the main menu, Gail still remained motionless. She let her head fall back and breathed in and out deeply several times. "Holly?" It sounded like a genuine question, like its purpose was to determine whether she was still there, given that Gail could not see her since she was currently staring at the ceiling.

"Yes." Was the simple answer Holly gave her.

"I'm sick of being a burden to everyone." She lifted her head and looked at Holly.

"Gail..." the brunette interrupted, but was cut off herself.

"No. It's true. Just look at Steve and Traci. I've been living in their house for months now. And I know they say they don't mind, but the truth is, they haven't really had a night to themselves in ages. Or you. I made you go to this dreadful party just because I didn't want to go alone. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. I know it sucks, what happened to me. Blah blah. But shouldn't I be able to manage my life on my own? I mean, I'm a grown woman." She shook her head at herself.

"Gail, I loved being there tonight with you." Holly tried to reaffirm the blonde.

"Please. Nobody likes being at these parties. Not even my mother, apparently." Gail just snorted.

"That's not what I said, Gail. I said, I loved being there _with you_."

"Oh." Gail's streak of snark quickly turned into shy bewilderment.

"And I am fairly certain that Steve and Traci _really_ don't mind having you. They love you. A lot of people do. And they... _We..._ are all happy to help in whichever way we can. Really. But if you feel like you want to give them some space... There's... a guest room?" She pointed upstairs as she hesitantly made the offer. She didn't want to cross a line.

"Yeah, and then I'm bothering you here." Gail retorted with a shrug.

"Gail." Holly shook her head and looked at the blonde admonishingly. She hoped she would understand all the things she wanted her to know but didn't dare say out loud. That Gail could never be a bother. That the only bother was her _not_ being here. That she missed her every second of every day. That being close to her, whether it was at a stiff and boring birthday party or sleeping in the next room, made it just a little easier to breathe.

After a few moments of silence, Gail spoke again.

"Do you have a spare toothbrush?" A grin slowly spread on both their faces and Holly set up the guest room for Gail.

... ... ...

Holly was sitting at the kitchen counter, skimming through the newspaper, and sipping her coffee, when Gail padded into the kitchen on naked feet.

"Good morning." she said, and waved shyly at Holly, who couldn't help but stare and smile in awe. This had always been one of her favourite versions of Gail. Well, truth be told, every version of Gail was one of her favourites in some way. But this one, it was one of those that Holly knew were just for her. The one just after waking up, pure and innocent and vulnerable. Her hair messy and her eyes still sleepy. A little shy, quiet, at peace. Contemplative and pristine, like an empty canvas waiting with bright eyes to be filled with beauty. She had spent many nights at the frat house with Gail to know that it was a completely different picture when other people were around. Then she was grumpy Gail, who made a point of letting everyone know she was _not_ a morning person, dealing out snarky comments, snorting and huffing and grunting at every question that was directed at her.

But when it was just the two of them, and Holly was up earlier than Gail – which, truth be told, happened less and less, since Gail's arguments of staying in bed were nothing if not persuasive, but when it did, it was all the more beautiful – everything was different. Holly would sit there reading, sometimes working, finishing up a report, or just surfing the Internet. Gail would pad into the kitchen in her tousled beauty, get a cup of coffee and watch Holly in peaceful happiness for a while. Holly would just stare and smile back, taking in the effortless beauty that was Gail, until the blonde would walk over to her, set down her mug, wrap her arms around her, kiss her, and whisper good morning.

Today, Gail wasn't all tousled and unkempt. She had obviously fixed her hair a bit and washed her face. But she still felt comfortable enough to stay in her pyjamas, without any make-up, barefoot, in no condition to run in case she would be overwhelmed by the urge.

"Good morning." Holly smiled back. "Did you sleep well?"

"Oh, yeah!" It wasn't really true. In fact, Gail felt like she hadn't slept at all, her mind going in circles, thinking about Holly, what her mother said, what was going on inside her, and Holly again. Holly's night was spent in similar fashion, thinking about the blonde, about how she was just in the next room, about her conversation with Steve, about how this was certainly progress. Or so she hoped.

"Coffee?" Gail pointed at the coffee-maker and silently scolded herself for stating the obvious.

"Help yourself." Holly nodded.

She stood in front of the coffee maker, and her had immediately went up to open the cupboard door to her left, behind which she miraculously found... mugs! She got out one of the mugs and regarded it thoughtfully for a few seconds, knitting her eyebrows together, before filling it with coffee. Holly watched the scene attentively and smirked. _Muscle memory_.

Then she leaned back against the worktops and looked at Holly with those bright eyes. Open, honest, vulnerable. So beautiful. And for a few moments, Holly was reminded of what Steve said to her the day before. The way she looked at her. Like Holly was the answer to all the questions.

"You love me." For a second, Holly wasn't sure whether those words had come out of her own mouth. She hoped they hadn't. And then Gail repeated them as she saw Holly look up in doubt and question.

"You love me." Yes. That was definitely Gail. Not her. She stared at the blonde for a few seconds, before uttering a mere "Yeah" and smiling apologetically.

Gail nodded silently for a while, until Holly could see the tears rolling down her cheeks. "I'm so sorry. I'm sorry this is happening to you. I'm sorry I don't know what to do." She started sobbing and Holly jumped up and rounded the kitchen island until she was standing right in front of Gail. For a second she hesitated to intrude on Gail's personal space. But the moment their eyes met, oh so briefly, she knew it would be okay. She threaded her arms through the spaces between Gail's body and arms, almost as if she wanted to catch her fall. She pulled her in close and felt the strong grip of Gail's arms around her shoulders and her face press into the crook of her neck. She tried to soothe Gail, drawing circles on her back, and whispering softly.

"Hey. Shh. Hey. It's alright, Gail. You're doing everything you can. It's alright." It must have been a few minutes before Gail's sobs died down and she let go of Holly, awkwardly wiping away the last tears and trying to hide her face. Holly knew that, while she welcomed the consoling embrace, what Gail needed now was space, what she needed was to not feel like someone was watching her in all her weakness, so she began preparing breakfast. They ate mostly in silence at first, before they recalled scenes and conversations from the previous night, sharing laughs and giggles about them. Little by little, Gail's inner tension was eased and they ended up sharing random stories from the past weeks and months, lounging comfortably on Holly's sofa. On _their_ sofa.

When the time came for Gail to leave, she realised, once again, that it was harder than she thought it would be. Harder than she thought it _should_ be. She was on the verge of asking Holly whether she could stay another night, but opted against it, not wanting to overstrain Holly's selfless patience. As if she could hear Gail's thoughts, when Gail was about to step out the door, she held her back by the arm.

"Gail."

"Hm?" The blonde turned around slowly.

"You know you're always welcome here, right?" Gail smiled shyly.

"Thanks." She nodded and was just about to turn back around, when Holly spoke up again.

"What I mean is, I know this is weird for you, but this..." she pointed to the to the space opening up behind her "... this is just as much your place as it is mine. Just that I've been spending a little more time here lately than you have." She smirked. "You... You have a key you know? So whenever you feel like it, I want you to use it. Okay? Whatever it is you want. Whether you just want to be by yourself, or you want some distraction, or whatever." She detected the appeasing look on Gail's face. The one that said _this is nice and all, but you don't need to say that_. "I'm serious, Gail. You don't need to ask. Just... Come around. Okay?"

"Okay." Gail whispered and nodded, and they both knew it wasn't true. She wouldn't _just_ show up, _come around_ , whenever she felt like it. Holly nodded in response nevertheless before she let Gail go.


	12. Chapter 12

_AUTHOR'S NOTE:_

 _Thank you guys, again, for your reviews. I love getting your feedback!_

 _Today's update is a short one, but maybe, hopefully, a satisfying one._

* * *

As Holly had anticipated, Gail didn't show up. To Holly's frustration, although not to her surprise, she didn't hear from Gail the following days at all, neither of her own volition nor in reply to one of the few and cautious messages Holly had sent her.

She was walking down the corridors of the precinct when she suddenly spotted the brunette, a case file in her hand, briskly walking towards the blonde.

"Holly? What...?" She was completely caught off guard by her presence.

"Detective Peck? Can I have a word with you in private?" She looked around the corridor before focusing back on Gail and giving her a stern look. Some of the officers passing by were looking at the two, so Gail figured she couldn't just make a scene or run and hide.

"Uh. What about?" She asked defensively. Holly held up the case file. "I have some questions about a case I need to discuss with you."

"Ok. Sure?" Holly made her way to the nearest interrogation room, ushering Gail inside.

"What case is that? I don't remember us working a case together." Holly had already closed the door behind them before Gail could utter her doubts about the reason Holly gave for her visit.

The brunette turned around to see Gail standing in the glow of the light coming in through the glass. _Oh come on, Holly. You couldn't have taken her to the detective's lounge? Or just any other place but this? Why are you insisting on being such a masochist?_

"So, I haven't heard from you in a while." Holly dropped the file on the table and got straight to the point.

"Yeah. I was... busy." The blonde looked anywhere but Holly.

"Too busy to reply to a text message in the course of over a week?" Holly's tone was strident, something that was new to Gail.

It probably happened in those many minutes spent in the car in silence. She knew that this reaction was to be expected from Gail, knew that there was no ill intent on he part. But she also knew that Gail could do better. And most importantly, perhaps, she felt confident enough now that she could push the blonde a little.

"I... " Gail sighed. Her natural instinct was to switch into attack mode. The best form of defense. But with Holly, she didn't dare to. So she was standing there, grasping for words. Holly didn't let her struggle for too long though.

"You don't want to be treated like a basket case, you don't want to be a burden to anyone, you want to be held accountable? Fine. The way you've been behaving this last week is not ok. You don't get to just ignore me. You don't get to be my friend, ask for my help, rely on me, have breakfast with me and then act like we're distant acquaintances who meet every other month in line at the checkout counter of their local supermarket and greet each other with a nod. It's reckless and hurtful and it's…. not ok. I know that all of this his hard for you and every day is a struggle. I know that your whole life has been thrown completely off track. I get that. And _you_ know that you are the one who is in control here. You get to decide yourself who you want to spend your time with and, especially, what you want our relationship to be. And I think I've _always_ given you that freedom. So if you want or need space, that's fine. You're free to make your own decisions. But the least you can do is have the courtesy and let me know. I will not let you just use me and then ignore me. You don't owe me much, but you _do_ owe me the decency to not do that." Holly nodded emphatically. She made it through her speech. Without too much drama, without getting too emotional or too harsh, but still stating her point very clearly. At least she hoped so. That was what she intended to do. As Gail looked at her, she felt compelled to add one more thing. "Look. I know you're trying Gail. Just… You need to try a little harder. Please."

The blonde was still looking at her, taken aback but perceptive, until she seemed to look right through her.

 _Her face was illuminated by the light coming in trough the interrogation room mirror, her glasses reflecting Gail's face. She was worried, talking a mile an hour. We tell each other stuff. A few other officers took fire? It was just a stupid setup. The courier was sick. Her blue shirt was unbuttoned just enough to show off her cleavage. I just had to make sure that you're ok? Or, something? Her lips were soft as the moved against hers, granting her entrance into her warm mouth. I won't say another word._

"Gail? Gail! Did you hear any of what I just said?" Holly's eyes bore into her and the brunette was slowly running out of patience.

"You just had to stop talking." Gail whispered faintly, and Holly couldn't make out the words.

"What?" Gail shook her head, her whole body, and dragged herself back into reality.

"Sorry. Ok." She nodded eagerly.

"Ok?" Holly had expected a little more out of Gail, to be honest. Maybe a little more fight, a little more justification. Or at least an answer that would indicate she had actually listened to what Holly was saying. A mere _ok_ didn't really cut it.

"Ok. You're right. I do need to try harder. I _will_ try harder. The way I've been behaving isn't fair to you and it doesn't do our... our relationship… justice."

"Ok?" Now it was Holly's turn to be speechless. Such an open admission without any objections, she certainly hadn't expected.

"Look, a lot of things have been happening these past weeks, and it is just all a little overwhelming. I... I needed some time to process that. And I should have just told you so. I'm sorry. I really am." She tilted her head apologetically.

"Ok." Holly nodded.

"And I... I'm going to need a little more time. Alright? But as soon as I'm done... _processing_... you'll be the first to know. Okay?" She smiled softly, encouragingly. She wanted Holly to believe that this wasn't some cheap excuse and it wasn't an empty promise.

"Ok." She kept nodding, knitting her eyebrows together.

"Are you going to say anything else?" Gail grinned at a trance-like Holly.

"Uhm, well. No. I mean, of course. Take your time. To process."

"Okay." Gail nodded.

"Okay. Well, I'll leave you to it then." Holly pointed at the door and made her way out of the room, while Gail waved her goodbye. "Bye, Holly."

After the brunette was out of the room, Gail locked the door behind her. She sat down on the table, her feet resting on one of the chairs. She touched her hand to her lips. It felt so real. That kiss. It was unlike the other times that she had imagined what it would feel like to kiss Holly. It was brighter.

She closed her eyes to conjure up that image again. Holly, in the harsh white glow of the light, that still looked warm on her skin somehow. The panic that briefly had gotten the better of her. She remembered how she was just in disbelief at the idea that she, Gail, a _police officer_ , would have to go out on the street and face a potentially dangerous situation. She remembered feeling like her vest suddenly sat a little too tight around her chest. She remembered the faint, buttery almond fragrance rising up from between Holly's breasts as she kissed her.

She opened her eyes. The difference between that kiss and all the other kisses she had imagined was, that this kiss wasn't an imagination. This kiss was real. This kiss was a memory. Suddenly, it was getting a little harder to breathe. She closed her eyes again, checking to see if the memory was still there. She did that several times, each time in the fear that it would have faded, yet each time remembering it a little more vividly. She couldn't remember any of what happened before or after that, try as she might. But this one thing, this she definitely remembered. She smiled to herself as happy tears ran down her cheeks.


	13. Chapter 13

It was a few days later when they had lunch together, and soon after she called Holly after a frustrating day at work, asking whether she could come over and hang out, and ended up spending the night. A couple of days after that, she followed Holly's invitation to Netflix and takeout, extending her stay for two nights. Holly suggested a Fargo binge after Gail had delivered a passionate speech about the Coen brothers a few days earlier. It should have felt weird, Gail thought on her way back home, spending an entire day at Holly's place. Waking up at Holly's place, spending the day doing everyday things at Holly's place, and going to bed again at Holly's place. It should have felt weird, but it didn't.

She watched a sweaty Holly, still a little out of breath as she came back home from her run, she watched Holly work on her research while she unsuccessfully tried to focus on her book. She watched Holly stow away all the items they had bought at the supermarket, imagining how at some point she would have known where the kitchen towels and the canned chickpeas and the flour and the maple syrup and the trash bags belonged. She watched Holly from the kitchen counter as she made dinner, all the while maintaining a lively and effortless conversation with her. And then she lay in bed, remembering all those different versions of Holly, all the little movements and gestures, all the ways in which she smiled, all the different emotions reflected in her eyes. And her face, illuminated by the light coming in trough the mirror, her glasses reflecting Gail's face. Always her face.

She stayed at Holly's once again, about a week later. And each time, of course, was accompanied by Holly telling her repetitiously that she didn't need to ask. So the next time, she took her courage in both hands and just came over and used her key. Well, she wasn't entirely unannounced to be honest. She had sent Holly a text, warning her, about twenty minutes earlier, which was when she saw the seven missed calls from Holly, made throughout the day. The brunette hadn't left any message though.

She entered the apartment and saw Holly sitting on the sofa, her back turned towards the door, an open bottle of wine and two glasses on the table. Looks like she did get her text in time and was already waiting for her.

The brunette turned around and Gail grinned back at the widely smiling... stranger.

"Hi?" Gail looked at the woman with irritation and dismay. What was she doing here? Who was that?

"Oh, hi there! Holly is in the shower." The woman sounded a little too cheerful for Gail's taste. Was that what Holly's calls were about? Was she asked out on a date and wanted to see whether she should say yes? Did she want to give it one last try? Wanted to give the benefit of doubt to her wife, who had been anything _but_ throughout the past months, one last time? Or was she just calling to warn Gail that, despite her constant assertion, tonight was _the one night_ that Gail maybe shouldn't just use her key unannounced? Whatever it was, Gail had obviously missed her chance. Well, she missed countless chances throughout these months, but most importantly, she missed the last one.

It had become one of her more prevailing fears, in fact. That the day would come when Holly would no longer be willing or able to be put on the back burner. That there was only so far she could go, getting nothing in return for everything she gave. That Gail would be too little, too late.

She had noticed how Holly had been just a tad more distant, ever since that night at the diner. She was still there of course. She still oozed this profound care for Gail that still amazed the blonde every single time. But it wasn't as raw anymore. Her heart was no longer in it, Gail thought. Not her _whole_ heart anyway. Just when Gail was starting to lose her heart to the brunette, little by little, piece by piece, she took some of hers and locked it away, inaccessible to Gail. It was only fair, she thought. Only human. Well, superhuman actually, considering what Holly had gone through without complaining, and what she was still willing to put herself through. But it still hurt. Wondering, every time she was in an animated conversation with someone other than Gail, whether that other person was on their way to acquiring that locked away part of her heart? And after that, piece by piece, the rest of it? Worrying, every time Holly was meeting _a friend_ , or going out for drinks, whether there would be someone. Someone that would love her back. Someone that wasn't a train wreck like Gail. Someone that just made it _easy_ for her. A _someone_ someone.

"Gail." The woman pulled her out of her thoughts. How the hell did she know her name? She was beautiful. A Holly kind of beautiful. She had a warm smile on her face. She seemed nice. _Nice_. That's what Holly deserved. Not someone as snarky and fucked up and bitchy and complicated as Gail. Of course this day would come.

"Gail." She had drifted off again.

"Uh. Sorry. I'm... I shouldn't..." Gail stammered, slowly taking steps back towards the door. She could feel the rush of emotions rising up inside. The burning rage and jealousy. And the paralysing fear. Fear of losing Holly, of already having lost her.

"Gail. I'm Lauren. Holly's sister." Gail stopped dead and swallowed hard.

"I'm Holly's sister." The woman repeated in a reassuring tone. "Sorry. I guess I should have lead with that." So she obviously knew about Gail's condition? Of course she did. She was Holly's sister.

"No. No. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have just barged in like that. Sorry." The blonde was still a little confused, but mostly embarrassed at the green-eyed monster that was obviously sitting on her shoulder.

"Why?" Lauren looked at her in confusion. "This is your home." She said it with such naturalness, that Gail was baffled into silence for a few seconds. Sure, she knew this was her place, her _home_. She'd heard it before from others, from Holly in particular, but she was always much more careful in the way she expressed that obvious fact.

"Don't you live in San Francisco?" She squinted at Lauren. It was the first thing that came to Gail's mind.

"Yeah. Our dad is in the hospital. I took the first flight out that I could get." And suddenly, the calls made sense and Gail, yet again, felt guilt wash over her.

"Oh my god! What happened?" She approached the living space again and sat down in the armchair.

"Well, we thought it was a heart attack. It looked like he might not make it at first. But then the doctors found out it was just arrhythmia. I mean, it was touch and go for a while, but he got there time, so in the end it wasn't nearly as bad as we thought it would be. He's out of the woods and he'll be back on his feet in no time." Lauren nodded, emphasising her words.

"Thank God. I'm so sorry."

"Hey." She turned to the right and saw Holly coming down the stairs, wearing sweat pants and an old university shirt. Her hair was still wet, and her face still glowing from the shower she had just taken. And all of a sudden Gail thought she had never seen her this beautiful. She jumped up to welcome Holly, but as she was standing in front of her, she couldn't entirely bring herself to pull her into a hug.

"I'm so sorry, Holly. Lauren just told me what happened." She said as she awkwardly rubbed Holly's shoulder.

"Thank you." Holly gave her a tired and cautious smile. "He will be fine."

Lauren got up from the sofa. "I'll go take a shower too?" She thought she would give the two some time to themselves.

"You want a glass of wine?" Holly asked, already on her way to the kitchen.

"I... I don't want to intrude. I should probably go." She didn't know if she was ready yet for meeting Holly's family. But then Holly turned around, her eyes pleading with Gail.

"We just ordered Indian food?! There's going to be enough for you too." She wiggled her eyebrows and grinned, but Gail knew that this was a serious attempt at keeping Gail around. She had called her several times throughout the day. Now she didn't want to let her go. Apparently, for some reason Gail couldn't fathom – because why would anyone want _her_ around in a time of need – Holly wanted her here, needed her here. So she took the wine glass from Holly's hand and strolled back towards the living room.

"How can I say no to Indian food?" She plunked into the armchair and let Holly fill her glass. The brunette sat back down and spotted Gail's overnight bag sitting next to the armchair. It didn't go unnoticed by Holly that Gail always brought a little more than she'd need, and left most of the clothes she wasn't effectively wearing at the apartment when she left.

"I.. uhm.. I let Lauren set up in the guest room. But I'll tell her to move to the bedroom."

"It's fine." Gail played it cool, but her mind was racing with the different possibilities this could imply.

"She won't mind." And then it clicked. Well, it didn't actually _click_. Gail just had one of her deranged epiphanies that so often blackened out the obvious and threatened to end up in self-sabotage.

"Oh. So that's why you called." She nodded slowly in understanding.

"Uhm. The last couple of times. Yes. I wanted to let you know she was here in case you came over. I didn't want you to be taken by surprise. I wanted to... see if it was... okay?" She knew how weird that last bit must have sounded for Gail. But it was the truth. Gail just scrunched up her face in nonchalant disbelief, all the while telling herself she was an idiot. But she couldn't stop it.

"She's your sister. This is your place. What did you think I was going to say?" She grumbled as Holly tilted her head to the side and gave her an appealing look. She knew what Gail was doing, of course.

"Gail." She whispered. The blonde took a deep breath and clenched her teeth in an attempt to keep the self-destructive voices in check.

"And what about the first couple of times? Why did you call me then?" Of course it sounded much more like an accusation than an innocent question, but it was the best Gail could muster at the moment.

Holly looked down at her glass and took a sip of wine before speaking.

"I was worried. I was scared. I was freaking out. We didn't know..." She paused for a moment. "I just... needed you." She didn't dare look into Gail's eyes. She knew these things should be obvious to Gail, but every time she actually voiced one of these admissions, she was afraid it would be a little too much for Gail. They were saved from the awkward silence by the doorbell.

"That's our food" Holly muttered as she got up to make her way past Gail towards the door. Gail stopped her, grabbing her hand, and looking up at the brunette. "Let her stay in the guest room." Holly nodded and made her way to the door. When she came back to the living room, carrying over the food, her sister had just come down form the bathroom and Gail stood up and grabbed her bag.

"I'm just going to get some stuff from the guest room, if you don't mind?"

"Of course." Lauren replied, throwing a confused and worried look Holly's way. As Gail made her way upstairs, Holly just shrugged and shook her head. She had no idea what was going to happen. Most of the time, she could read Gail like an open book. Just sometimes, sometimes that book was written in a language that was completely foreign to her. More often so lately, when not even Gail was always entirely sure what was going on inside of her.

It wasn't even five minutes later when Gail came back downstairs. Holly was relieved to see, at a first glance, that she was not carrying her bag. She hadn't packed up all her things to make a quick exit. And her relief grew when she saw what Gail was wearing. She had changed into her yoga pants and a comfy hoody and slouched back into the armchair after loading a plate with the food that was set out on the coffee table. Of course she noticed the meaningful smile the two sisters exchanged, but she managed to not overthink it this time and just gave Holly a relaxed smile instead.

Holly hadn't been completely wrong, of course. The bluntness of her admission that she simply needed Gail was indeed a little overwhelming. Just like so many other things had been lately. Every day she spent with the pathologist she learned something about herself. About the person Holly made her. About how the sarcastic, dark and sometimes bitter loner became a happy, content person with friends – real friends, good friends –, how she became someone people relied on, leaned on, and how she herself leaned on others. On Holly, particularly. She also learned, surprisingly, how Holly seemed to need her just as much as she needed Holly. That was more obvious today than ever before. And of course all those realisations overwhelmed her, scared her a little, since they were so hard to reconcile with what she thought she knew about herself. She did get better at it over time, but today's revelation, even though it wasn't anything Gail didn't really know already, hit her particularly hard. She wanted to run, wanted to avoid this situation, Holly _needing_ her, her sister here, watching her, their dad in the hospital. It was all a little too much. No. That wasn't true. It was a lot, yeah. Maybe. But it would only be _too much_ if Gail let it. Didn't she say herself she didn't want to be treated like a basket case? Didn't she say she was sick of being a burden to everyone? Then maybe she should step up. Maybe, even if it was just for tonight, she should get over herself. Be there for Holly, like the brunette has always been there for her.

After telling Gail every detail about their dad's condition, they spent the rest of the night chatting about this and that, and before she knew it, three hours had passed. Three hours during which she felt surprisingly comfortable and at ease, the way she supposed people felt when they were at home, at peace, surrounded by their family. After Lauren had made her way to the guest room and Gail helped Holly clean up the leftovers, the two women found themselves in the bedroom, where an uncomfortable silence and tension settled between them once more.

"There's... another blanket." Holly explained after clearing her throat, staring straight ahead at the bed.

"Good for you. Cause I hog the covers." Gail tried to make light of it.

"I know." Holly grinned.

"Which side?" Gail asked with a questioning sideways glance at Holly.

"Which one do you want?" The brunette shrugged and Gail chose her side, the side she had been sleeping on from the first night she spent with Holly.

When Holly emerged from the bathroom, Gail was sitting on the bed, seemingly waiting for Holly's return.

"I'm sorry I didn't answer your calls. It was a really hectic day and I had back-to-back interrogations with this case I'm working on. I didn't get a chance to check my phone." Her eyes followed Holly as she made her way to the bed and sat down, her back turned to Gail.

"I know." Holly nodded, and as if she felt Gail's questioning look on the back of her head, her eyebrows knitted together, she turned around and looked at the blonde sheepishly and sighed.

"I... I was getting a little worried, so... I called the station, okay?" She rolled her eyes and got under the covers, carefully avoiding meeting Gail's eyes. If she didn't, she would have seen the smirk spreading on Gail's face.

"I'm still sorry I wasn't there." She watched as Holly chewed on her lower lip.

"He's going to be fine." She said, for the fourth or fifth time tonight. Like it was her new mantra. And Gail knew it was the truth. From everything the two sisters had told her, he _was_ going to be fine. They knew that now. But she could still see the hours during which they didn't know that, during which his life was hanging in the balance, clearly written on Holly's face, manifesting in her eyes. The hours during which she needed Gail, and she wasn't there for her.

The brunette turned off her bedside lamp and slid down the bed, resting her head on her pillow, and Gail did the same. And then she lay there, staring at the ceiling, not daring to move, her mind racing.

"Holly?"

"Hm?" The sound of Holly's voice told Gail the she was nowhere near falling asleep either.

"Come here."

"What do you mean?"

"Just..." Gail extended her arm to the left and wiggled her hand in between the mattress and Holly's back, pulling her over to her side.

"I'm sorry about your dad." She whispered.

"He's going to be..."

"I'm sorry." She cut off Holly emphatically. "I'm sorry."

And after a long day of keeping it together, Holly started sobbing. Her head resting on Gail's shoulder, her arm around the blonde's waist, her hand clutching her shirt and Gail's arms wrapped around her, pulling her impossibly closer, Holly finally allowed herself to let go, to fall apart, because she knew Gail was here to catch her.


	14. Chapter 14

_Why did you come here? Why didn't you just say no? Why didn't you say you had plans, had to work, something. Anything!_ She scolded herself as she trotted down the corridor behind Holly and Lauren. If she was being honest with herself, she knew why she was here, of course. She was here because of Holly. She was here _for_ Holly. It wasn't what she said. She didn't even ask for it. Not with words, at least. It was her eyes.

They were having breakfast when Lauren started talking about going to the hospital, how their mother had already asked when they would be there, whether they should pick up something on the way to cheer up their dad – and their mom alike. It was then that she caught Holly looking at her. She could tell that Holly felt uncomfortable about being caught, that she didn't expect blue eyes to be staring back at her. She averted her eyes after one second, maybe. But in that second, those beautiful brown eyes of hers spoke volumes. Mostly, they were scared. Scared that Gail would be leaving any moment now. That she wouldn't be there at the hospital with her, giving her strength. But they were also hopeful. Hopeful that maybe, just maybe, Gail would realise how important this was for Holly, how much she wanted Gail there with her. Hopeful that last night was the start of something, that Gail wouldn't put yesterday's giant leap into perspective by backtracking now. And she couldn't stand it. Couldn't stand the thought of disappointing Holly, the thought of leaving her alone when she obviously needed her.

So that's how she found herself here, in Carmen's arms. She was amazed with how Holly's mother lit up at the sight of her, and how she pulled her into a heartfelt hug. She didn't seem to want to let go, and kept muttering how good it was to see her, how happy she was that Gail was here for them, for Holly. She supposed it must have looked just like when she brought Holly home for her mom's birthday a few weeks ago.

Holly's father was still a little shaken up, looked a little tired, but was nothing if not in cheerful spirits. He welcomed _his girls_ , as he called them, with a wide, happy smile, and insisted on greeting each of them with a hug and a kiss on the cheek, Gail being no exception. She even thought she saw tears fill his eyes as he caught sight of the blonde hidden behind his daughters at first. They stayed with him for about an hour, not wanting to overstrain Gerald in his still weak condition. Gail escaped a few times under the pretext of getting drinks or snacks, just to take a breather. She couldn't say that she really felt uncomfortable, though. As always, it was her head, overthinking and telling her that she _should_ feel weird, especially when she heard that her parents, yes, _her parents, Bill and Elaine_ , had stopped by the hospital briefly on their way to work to check in on Gerald. Come to think of it, though, she felt oddly at ease surrounded by the Stewarts. She was treated like a full member of their family, and the fact that they engaged in idle conversation, all of them just wanting to take their minds off the shock they had been through the day before, worked very well for Gail, too – if only for limited amounts of time. When they were just on their way out, Gerald called out for Gail, asking her to stay another minute, while the others had left the room already.

She stood there for a moment, clasping her hands uncomfortably, until Gerald spoke.

"Gail. Come here." He patted the edge of his bed, and Gail slowly walked over and sat. He pushed himself up in the bed a little to be at eye-level with Gail.

"How are you doing?" She knitted her eyebrows together, surprised by this question.

"Uh. Fine." she nodded. "But... I should be asking you that."

Gerald just smiled and tilted his head to the side. So that's where Holly got it. He took her hands into his, in one of those fatherly gestures that made Gail feel equal parts uncomfortable and strangely serene.

"I know that in a few days I will be walking out of here. I will be properly medicated and in no time, I will be fine, back to normal. Kind of, at least. You don't look like you know you will be fine, dear." She looked down at their hands, unable to meet his gaze.

"I don't feel like I know much of anything these days."

"I think you know more than you're willing to admit to yourself." She looked at him in confusion and slightly appalled. What was he insinuating? She opened her mouth to speak but thought better of it. Whatever would come out would probably be a little too frank, a little too harsh, considering that Gerald was basically a stranger to her.

"What if your memories will never come back? What if you had never _lost_ any memories?" He smiled triumphantly, although Gail had no idea why.

"I don't know what kind of game we're playing here", she grumbled.

"Just think. What would you do if you weren't busy waiting for memories to come back? What would you do if you just _lived_. In the here and now. If you just listened to what your heart told you. If you abandoned all notions of how things _should_ be and just focused on what felt _right_." She stared at him, a blank look on her face. She wasn't expecting that, and she didn't know what to reply.

"I... I don't know. I..." She shook her head in confusion.

"Can I tell you what I see?" He waited for a moment until he detected the hint of a nod from Gail.

"Now, I may be biased, because Holly is my little girl, and I only want what's best for her..."

"Well, then you certainly don't want _me_ for her." Gail interrupted her father-in-law, snorting.

"Why would you say that, Gail? You came here, to a place I know you hate, to hang out with a bunch of people you don't know. For Holly."

"I just..." This time he interrupted her, raising his hand.

"Love. It's my job to be observant. To read people. And when I see the way you look at her, I see love. It doesn't matter what was. Just let go of that burden and start paying attention to what _is._ Start living again, Gail." She rolled her eyes, in part because she knew he was right, in part because she was annoyed with the psycho-talk. Obviously, he noticed, and chuckled.

"I know you hate this deep, mushy feelings crap. You can go, before I give you any more of it." She smiled at him shyly and a little embarrassed.

"Sorry." She whispered and got up, squeezing his hand, before she moved towards the door. Maybe the polite thing would be to not run off like that. Probably the polite thing would be to respond with a little more than just two syllables.

"Don't be sorry. Just think about what I said, dear." She looked back at him, smiling at her contentedly. There was trust in his eyes. Trust in Gail that she would do the right thing.


	15. Chapter 15

_AUTHOR'S NOTE:_

 _I could say this with every new chapter I post – but I'm spreading it out to every other chapter or so ;-): Thank you to everyone who is leaving a review! I'm really enjoying reading your feedback!_

 _We're going a little dark in this chapter. Hope you still enjoy._

 _Happy Holidays everyone!_

* * *

 _Breathe. Relax. Fuck! What's happening? Breathe. You're freaking out. Don't freak out! Breathe._

She had no idea how long she'd been sitting here. Shivering. Trembling like a leaf. And she knew it wasn't from the cold. It was a warm summer night. Sweat. She was sweating. But she also knew that wasn't from the heat. Her sweats were cold. From exhaustion maybe. She didn't know what was happening. Couldn't really discern what was happening around her. She was alone with herself, her head spinning, caught in a downward spiral. Breathing. She was breathing. She knew that. Not because she felt it. But because she ordered herself to breathe. Her instincts must have told her that that was important.

She let her colleagues, her _friends_ , convince her to join them at the Penny after shift and it ended up being a quite decent night out. The last couple of days she had been turning Gerald's words around in her head, wrestling with herself to accept them, to put them into practice. She certainly tried. Tried to live in the here and now. Tried to just _live_. Tried to listen to her heart, which she knew said _Holly_. It was easier said than done, of course. But for a few hours at the bar, she managed to enjoy herself. She focused on the situation she found herself in. Not on the nights out that she was missing, not on what the others knew that she didn't. She participated in the conversation, she laughed at some of the jokes, snorted at others, dealt out some cutting remarks that were welcomed by her friends with a smirk. But it certainly was exhausting, tiring, this living in the now thing, so she was the first to take her leave. She waved over a cab and opened the door to get in, while the driver turned around and greeted her. And then everything went black. Her heart started racing and she was gasping for air. She closed the door again and stumbled backwards, shaking, until she came to a stop and sank down against one of the parked cars.

 _Gail. Gail._ She heard her name in the distance and after a few seconds realised it was Traci, her face, filled with worry, right in front of her. Behind her she could vaguely make out the rest of the group. Dov, Chloe, Chris and Nick, all looking a little helpless, not sure what to do.

"Gail." Traci tried again. "Talk to me, Gail. What happened?"

The blonde shook her head and pressed her eyes closed, warm tears escaping and making their way down her cheeks. She didn't know what happened, couldn't tell even if she'd wanted to. Traci knew, of course, that it was a panic attack. She'd witnessed them before, even helped Gail through a few that happened at work. But that was when Gail herself knew what was going on, knew _that_ she was going through a panic attack and why. When she knew how to deal with them, how to calm herself down, and what to say to those around her in order for them to help. Right now, Gail was nowhere near being able to take charge.

"Ok. Everything's fine, Gail. Everything's going to be fine. What can I do? What do you want?" The only thing she could think of was calling Holly. She knew that the doctor would know how to get Gail through the panic, knew that she would be able to calm her down, and Gail confirmed her idea.

She took a few ragged breaths and then, in a hardly audible whisper, said "Holly".

The moment she heard that Holly was on her way, Gail's breathing relaxed considerably, even though it still seemed like she was fighting for every breath. When Holly finally arrived, after little more then ten minutes – she must have exceeded the speed limit more than just once on her way here, Traci thought – Gail was shaking a little less, but the beads of cold sweat were still gathering on her forehead and she was staring into nowhere, absent, as if she was completely disconnected from her surroundings.

…

 _Okay. You know the drill_. _Work with me, Gail._

It's been a long time since you've seen her like this, a long time since you've had to get her through the whole nine yards, but you have been here before. You know what to do. You kneel down slowly in front of her.

"Gail? Hey. It's me. Holly." Always let her see you. Always let her know who you are.

"It's just me. You can relax. Can you look at me?" Establish eye contact. More importantly, remind her she's not blindfolded.

She opens her eyes slowly, reluctant to meet yours, but when her blue eyes finally find your brown ones, you know you've got her.

"Hey. Hi." Smile. Make her feel safe. Warm. Don't let her see the worry, or the fear. _Show her_ everything is ok. "Hi" she whispers back shakily, tears still silently running down her face.

"I'm going to touch you, ok? I'm going to put my hands on your knees. Is that ok?" Leave the decision up to her. Let her be in charge. Don't surprise her. Always tell her you'll touch her. Tell her where you'll touch her. As much as you want to, don't touch her face. Never the neck. Wait until she consents and then touch her where you said you would. Firmly but gently. It's a special kind of touch, one that took you a while to learn, but now master it even in your sleep.

You hear the deep exhale and feel her body relax. Some of the clouds are lifted from her eyes, still focused on you.

"You're doing great, Gail. Can you take my hands? Can you squeeze them?" Make her work. Actively involve her in the process. Make her realise her hands are free to move whichever way she wants them.

She slowly moves her hands to yours, which are still resting on her knees, and grabs them, squeezing them hard. You stay like this for a while, you let her tear her gaze away from yours, let her head fall back, watch how she breathes more freely with every breath. She finally, gradually, loosens her grip on your hands and her thumbs start drawing patterns on your skin absentmindedly.

"Can you get up?" Her eyes find yours again and she nods and lets you pull her up to her feet.

"See? You can do it. You're doing great, Gail. Everything's alright." You smile again and nod reassuringly. Her eyes remain fixed on yours, and she seems calm. The calm before the final storm, you know that. You wait until she is willing to release your hands until you slowly, again, firmly but gently, move them up her arms and then down her sides. No sudden movements. Smooth. Make sure she knows those hands that are touching her are still the same. Your hands. And then you feel her cave a little, feel her lean into you a little, and you circle her waist, slowly moving your hands up and down the sides of her back. You don't pull her into you, though. You wait. You keep smiling and you keep telling her that it's alright, that she's made it. And you're prepared for the storm. The onslaught of tears and sobs that overwhelms her as she collapses into you and buries her head in your neck, her hands loosely falling around your waist. She needs you close, you know that, but she is too weak to hold on to you. So you do the holding, you pull her in close and let the warmth and safety of your arms envelop her. You know it's all over now. You know she's out of the woods when the sobs come. This is just the aftermath, the tension falling off.

 _You did it._

 _…_

They stood there, in each other's arms, for quite a while, until the sobs died down. As Holly ventured a look around, she noticed the others had left, and she was grateful for it. The last thing Gail needed now was the embarrassment of a bunch of people staring at her sympathetically. Although she doubted that Gail would even have noticed, spent as she was.

"Let's get you home, okay?" She released Gail from her embrace but kept an arm around her waist, leading the blonde to her car while she nodded. As she was about to turn the key in the ignition, she was stopped by Gail's pale and delicate hand on her forearm. She looked to her right and was met with pleading blue eyes. Gail popped out her tongue to moisten her lips and buy some time.

"Home... To... _your_ home?" It was as much an instruction as it was a question.

"Yes." Holly replied firmly and Gail nodded her okay.

It didn't even take two minutes for the blonde to fall asleep in the passenger seat, and she struggled to get out of the car and into the apartment, her legs barely holding her up. She was exhausted, completely drained, in the truest sense of the words. Her muscles weak and limp, her bones aching, her head empty, like an endless white space.

Holly had to half lead, half carry her up the stairs to their en-suite. She sat her down on the edge of the bathtub and brushed a few loose strands of hair out of Gail's face, cupping her cheeks and letting her thumbs caress her porcelain skin softly.

"You need to take a shower." She whispered, and got the reaction she expected. The blonde shook her head tiredly, her eyes half closed. "I can't", she whined.

"It will only take a few minutes, Gail. You'll feel better after." She waited for the blonde to respond, but she didn't.

"I'm going to take off your clothes and then get you under the shower. Very quickly. Is that okay?" After another few moments of silence, Gail nodded.

She undressed her, sat her in the bathtub, let the water soothe her, wash down the last couple of hours. She wrapped her in a towel and rubbed her dry, lead her to the bedroom and set her down on the edge of the bed, where she slowly, carefully, slipped on a pair of briefs and a tank top before the blonde laid down and covered herself with a thin sheet.

She knew it was wrong, knew it was neither the place nor the time for thoughts like that, so she tried her best to fight them off, to push them out of the way – still, her head started spinning at the sight of all this bare skin. It wasn't the thrill of the mere nakedness, though. It was the sudden intimacy that the two shared. The way Gail was, to some degree, like putty in her hands and was okay with it. The trust she showed Holly. And it was the memories. The memories of lips sucking on Gail's pulse point, of the contrast of her tan against Gail's pale skin. It was the memory of her thighs, wrapped tightly around Holly's hips, pulling the brunette in close, the sight of the freckles on her abdomen, each of which she had kissed individually one night. It was the memory of Holly's head resting peacefully on the blonde's chest, listening to her heartbeat, as Gail languorously threaded her fingers through her hair and told her she loved her. She certainly needed a shower now as well. Preferably a cold one.

She stroked the blonde head of hair gently and whispered to the blonde, who was on the verge of falling asleep again.

"I'm going to take a quick shower too, and then be right back. Okay? I'll leave the door open. Just call if you need anything, Gail. Are you going to be alright?" Gail turned to look at Holly and nodded, but her eyes told Holly she was still a little scared. So she showered in record time and was back in the bedroom in no time. Still, she had expected the blonde to have fallen asleep again anyway, but she had kept her eyes trained on the door until Holly emerged. Holly grabbed her glasses from the nightstand, and when she put them on, she could see Gail smiling. It was a relieved smile, shy, but genuine, and Holly smiled back. She walked over to the closet where she dropped her towel and slipped on a pair of knickers and a tank top. She figured she'd be back quicker if she didn't take the time to get dried and dressed in the bathroom. Plus, she's seen Gail naked tonight, so maybe she should _reciprocate_? Even the score, so to speak. She didn't know whether Gail was watching her when she got naked, but based on the fact that she was following Holly's every move as far as the brunette could tell, she must have.

Holly got under a sheet of her own and mirrored Gail, who was curled up in the fetal position and turned towards Holly.

"Hey." Holly smiled at the blonde.

"Hey." Gail smiled back, but the smile didn't reach her eyes. "I don't know what happened tonight." She looked so fragile, so small, and it broke Holly's heart that she couldn't do more.

"You had a panic attack." Holly replied honestly. It probably wouldn't be the last.

"Ok." Gail nodded. At some point she figured as much. "But I don't understand why."

"What did you do before it started?" It wasn't all too hard to put two and two together. She was the first to leave, she had been drinking, no-one was driving her home, so of course she would take a cab.

"I... I left the Penny and... I called a cab. And that's it. That's when it started." That's when the constant downward spiral set in. It felt like being on the worst carousel ride of her life. Going round and round and round, past the same horrifying scenery. Just that she couldn't tell what that scenery was, couldn't actually _see_ it, as if it was hidden away behind a curtain of unspeakable horror. And there was no getting off, no escaping. Until she caught sight of Holly amidst that scenery.

She shook her head apologetically, furrowing her brows. Certainly, this explanation couldn't be good enough? But Holly just nodded in understanding, earning her an inquisitive look from the blonde.

"What? That's enough of an explanation for you?" She asked, a little desperate for clarification.

"The cab thing. Yes."

"So. I'm afraid of... cabs?" Gail snorted in disbelief.

"Well, sort of." Holly paused for a few moments. She wished she would never have to have this conversation with Gail. "It was an undercover operation gone wrong. Something happened... to you. Something... horrible. Let's just leave it at that. Ok?" Gail sat up, suddenly woken up and indignant.

"Uh. Let's _not_?! What if this happens again? I need to know what I'm dealing with!" Holly pushed herself up as well, coming level with Gail.

"We're not supposed to…" It had been done with the best of intentions, sure, but right now it sounded like a really lame excuse for a profound betrayal, Holly realised as she uttered the words.

"I don't give a shit!" Gail interrupted. "Who the hell are you to decide that? Here I am, struggling to figure out what I've been up to for the past five years, having no idea that I've apparently been through some major trauma! How could you keep this from me?! This is _my life_ we're talking about! I had a right to know!" She was on the verge of jumping out of the bed, when Holly held her back, a hand placed tentatively on Gail's shoulder. She spoke softly.

"Gail. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for keeping this from you. But can you please hear me out? Please." She waited until Gail sat back down and challenged Holly with her look.

"What happened... it was horrible. It haunted you for a long, long time. Every day, at work, every night, in your sleep, and all the time in between. It almost broke you. You made it nevertheless, maybe you even came out stronger in the end. But it was a hard battle. A battle you went through all by yourself because you thought you didn't have the right to burden anyone with it. When I met you, you had been through the worst of it. There were the occasional nightmares. Sometimes, you had panic attacks because you came across some trigger. Some of them were worse than others." Holly swallowed hard before she continued. "It took you quite some time to tell me about what happened. I knew the basics, of course – pretty much what you know now. But you didn't tell me the details until we were six or seven months into our relationship. I thought it was because it made you feel uncomfortable, because it hurt too much to talk about it. And that certainly was part of it. But one night, you told me everything." Gail watched Holly well up with tears and regretted the harsh tone she had taken with her before. She should have known that if Holly kept something from her on purpose, it wasn't because it was in Holly's best interest, but in Gail's. "And you said you waited with telling me, not because you didn't trust me enough before, but because you kept hoping that one day, you would just forget about it. That, like the names of childhood friends, or the faces of your parents when they were younger, it would just fade until it vanished completely. And when that happened, you didn't want _me_ remembering. But you realised that you never would... forget. You realised you would always remember it, in every detail. The sounds, the smell, the taste in your mouth. Everything. So you thought I needed to know, too. But the _one_ thing you kept repeating, after every bad dream, after every panic, was that you wished you could just forget, just… remember it less and less." She wiped away the tears that were running down her cheeks and caught her breath. "Look, Gail. If you are sure this is what you want, I will tell you what I know. I will tell you everything you told me. And there is obviously a file on what you went through. You can look it up, go through it in all the most benign details. I will be there if you want me to. But please, _please_ , before you do that, think about whether you really want to make yourself relive it all. Your wish came true. Just... Just be grateful you don't have to remember. Please?"

Gail nodded and took Holly's hands in hers.

"Okay. Okay." She tried to soothe an obviously agitated Holly. "I will think about it. Okay? I promise. I'm sorry, Holly. I had no idea."

The brunette chuckled through her tears. "You don't need to apologise, Gail. You didn't do anything wrong."

"Well, I'm still sorry you're sad. I… I don't like it." Their eyes met and they gave each other a shy smile.

"Whatever you decide, I think you should talk to your therapist? I'm sure she can help you figure out ways to deal with the panic attacks… or… everything else. Until then, just… Just avoid cabs when you're by yourself. And if anything _does_ happen, no matter where you are, no matter what time it is, you call me. Alright? Promise that you will call me." Holly's reply only fuelled Gail's anger.

"I promise." She nodded and squeezed Holly's hand.

"Let's sleep?"

She was exhausted. Holly hummed in response and they found themselves back in their initial positions, facing each other. Gail battled with herself for some time, told herself to just take Holly's hand, to just move in a little closer, snuggle into Holly just a little bit. Make contact. She knew she wanted to. She knew Holly certainly wouldn't have minded. But she couldn't. Her hand found the edge of the sheet Holly had covered herself with. She followed it to the point where it fell around Holly's waist and came to a stop, grabbing the hem of the sheet, the back of her hand, her knuckles, making contact with Holly's abdomen through the sheet and the thin layer of clothing the brunette wore. And she felt Holly's breath hitch before she fell asleep.


	16. Chapter 16

_AUTHOR'S NOTE:_

 _So, it's been a while. Sorry about that._

 _I hope you've all started the new year with lots of love and joy!_

* * *

She was the first to wake up, a few beams of sunlight breaking in at the edges of the curtains. Gail hadn't moved much since the last time she woke up. Her hands were encircling Holly's right one, her forehead rested against Holly's arm. At some point during the past few hours she must have hooked her leg into Holly's, trying to increase contact. Holly considered getting up. She knew she would be watching Gail, tracing every contour of her face, of her body underneath the thin sheet. She thought it would be inappropriate. But she didn't want Gail to wake up alone either. More importantly, she didn't want to stir the blonde and wake her up now, seeing as she finally seemed to have succumbed to a deep slumber. After the night she'd had, waking up twice with nightmares she couldn't pin down, she couldn't explain, Holly was hoping she wouldn't wake up for another few hours. So what if she stared. She would try to keep it to a minimum. Maybe she would even fall back asleep.

She woke up again a few hours later, this time to an empty bed. She let her head fall back into her pillow and let out a silent groan. She remembered Gail's tentative approach last night, the way the touch of her hand, even if it was through two layers of fabric, made her heart skip a few beats. Sure, the night her father was admitted to the hospital she fell asleep crying in Gail's arms. There certainly was more touching then. But it was different then. She was exhausted, she was worried about her father, Gail was worried about her. It was the touch of someone who cared, like a friend would. Last night's touch was much more than that, had more meaning. Just the fact that it _was_ so tentative, that it _was_ hardly there, gave it more meaning. The fact that Gail moved a little bit closer into Holly every time she woke up scared and confused certainly added to that. Maybe that was why Gail was gone now. Maybe it was a little too much for her all at once. Or maybe Holly was just reading far too much into everything that happened last night.

She groaned again, scolding herself for overthinking things. She had kept telling herself to just let things happen as they happen, to not build up any kind of expectations towards Gail, and to be realistic, to not get ahead of herself.

She got up, washed her face, and made her way down the stairs, where she was surprised by the smell of coffee and the sight of the blonde, sipping from her Darth Vader mug, standing in front of the collage of photographs. She felt a smile creep onto her face and decided not to watch the blonde for too long.

"Hey" she said softly, so as to not startle Gail.

"Hey. Good morning." Gail turned around and smiled at her, and her heart did the thing again where it skipped a beat or two.

"I made coffee." Gail pointed towards the coffee maker and Holly made her way to the kitchen, stopping in her tracks when she noticed Gail's eyes traveling up and down her body. She looked down, realising she was still only wearing a t-shirt and a pair of knickers.

"Or... maybe I'll put on some pants first?" she stammered, blushing slightly. Gail just shrugged, checking out the brunette's long, tanned legs before meeting her gaze. "I don't mind."

Holly nodded and continued her way to the coffee-maker as her smile grew wider. She turned around briefly, only to see Gail still looking at her, a wide grin on herself as well. "Alright", Holly giggled, poured herself a cup of coffee and joined Gail in front of the collage.

"I made an appointment with my therapist. I'll go see her tomorrow." She had focused her attention back on the photos in front of her.

"Okay. That's good." Holly nodded, turning her gaze towards the photos as well. She didn't want Gail to feel put on the spot.

"Would you… would you come with me?" She cleared her throat.

"Sure. I can take you if you want." The blonde turned to look at her and Holly mirrored her position. Finally she had the opportunity to look at her properly. She looked a little tired, but all right. She could tell that everything that happened last night, and everything it entailed, was still occupying Gail's mind. But it wasn't weighing as heavy on her as Holly was afraid it might. For now, at least. Rather than being thrown off track by it, she seemed determined to just tackle it and move on. Whatever that meant exactly.

"No. I mean inside. To see the therapist. Would you come?" Gail clarified her request hesitantly.

"Of course, Gail."

The blonde seemed to have caught on to the unspoken question in Holly's eyes.

"I haven't decided whether I want to know about… what happened to me. But I thought it might help if you… were there. However it goes."

Holly had held back so far, but now she was stroking Gail's arm in a reaffirming gesture.

"Yeah, of course. Of course." Gail turned back to look at the photos and Holly followed suit.

"Holly, I need you… I need you to tell me stuff. I'm done living in this… vacuum. I'm done treating the past as this huge mystery." She sounded resolute and Holly agreed.

"Okay. What do you want to know?"

"Tell me about this." Gail picked one of the photos off the board and held it out to Holly. It showed Elaine, amidst her two children, sitting around a board game.

"Oh, that was taken during one of our family weekends at your parents' cabin. Last spring, I think." Holly smiled at the memory.

"Family weekends?" Gail raised her eyebrows in disbelief.

"Yeah." Holly took a sip of coffee and nodded as if it was the most natural thing ever. "Yeah, your mom kind of initiated that new family tradition when we... after we... when we told her we were getting married."

"Seriously." Gail was still more than skeptical.

"Seriously." Holly reassured her with a chuckle. "We do it a couple of times a year. One time my parents even joined. So... Board games have kind of become a thing during those weekends. That night we were playing a game of Life. I think you were a police officer turned vet turned hair stylist with four children."

"Ah." Gail nodded. "I can see why mother wasn't happy."

Holly tilted her head to the side in that adoring, but still slightly scolding, way. "Oh, mother wasn't happy because _she_ was a mechanic." That caused Gail to laugh out loud.

"Okay. What about this one?" It was a picture of an obviously tipsy but happy Gail kissing a shot glass. "Oh. Tequila challenge with the boys. You won, obviously."

"Obviously", Gail huffed. "Those guys are pussies."

"Well" Holly ripped the photo from Gail's hand, "I've dubbed this photo 'Enjoy it while it lasts', because let me tell you, about 30 minutes after this was taken you didn't look all that happy anymore, hugging the toilet close."

"Oh my god. I'm soooo sorry." Gail covered her face in embarrassment. "When was that?"

"Uhm... Like... Four years ago?" Holly checked the back of the photo and nodded.

"I can't believe you still married me after that!" The blonde pinned the photo back to the wall and shook her head.

"Are you kidding me? That performance was nothing if not impressive!" She winked at Gail. "I mean doing the shots, not the after..."

"Yeah." Gail nodded, interrupting the brunette. "I get it."

She pointed at another photo she couldn't really make anything out on, except for a bunch of candles.

"What about this one?" Holly regarded the photo thoughtfully for a while before answering. "Ask again later." She smiled apologetically as Gail gave her a slightly annoyed but understanding grin.

"Ok. That one, then." She pointed at a black and white picture of the two of them, sitting on a steep row of stairs, Holly smiling deliriously as Gail pressed a kiss to her cheek. Gail had seen a whole series of those pictures, one of them framed on the wall, another two hidden somewhere in this collage, and a few more in the box of photos Holly had once brought to the hospital.

Again, Holly regarded the photo quietly for a while, before doing the same with Gail's face, before speaking quietly. "That was during our honeymoon. In Paris. That's the famous stairway up to Montmartre."

"Ah. I thought it kind of looked familiar." She took the photo in for a few more seconds. "So we went to Paris, huh?"

"Well, we did a little tour. Paris. The Pyrenees. Barcelona. And this was in Italy. Florence and the Tuscan coast." Holly pointed out a few more photos to Gail who regarded them with an impressed look on her face.

Then she pointed at another photo and just gave Holly a questioning look.

"Dinner party at our... this place. Just after we moved in." Everyone was gathered around a large dinner table that was overflowing with food. All her friends and colleagues from 15th, a few people she didn't recognise, probably friends of Holly's, and amidst all those people the two of them, grinning proudly and happily. "I think Isabel's boyfriend at the time took the picture. Can't remember his name though." Holly couldn't help but chuckle.

"Isabel from work?" Gail knew the name rang a bell.

"Mhm." Holly pointed out her colleague in the photo and Gail nodded. "Oh yeah, now I recognise her."

"Did you cook all that by yourself?" Gail knitted her eyebrows together.

"Are you insane? We both did."

"Yeah right." Gail snorted. "I don't even know what half of that stuff on the table is."

Holly just shrugged in response. "What can I say, Gail. You're actually a quite decent cook." A pause. "Sorry, that was a lie. You were very… committed to trying." She winked as Gail gave her a sideways glance and focused back on the photos, lightly tracing a few of them with her fingers.

"I look really happy in those photos." She started, lost in thought. " _We_... look really happy."

"Yeah." Holly whispered and nodded. "We really were."

"I hate that I don't remember any of that. I'm sorry I don't remember any of it." She looked up at Holly, both of them fighting tears. Holly didn't know what to say. She knew she should have said that it didn't matter, that it wasn't her fault, that she had nothing to be sorry for, she knew she should have said something encouraging. But in that moment she just couldn't. She, too, hated the fact that Gail didn't remember any of that happiness. And she was afraid that if she said something now, her voice would fail her. So she just nodded and stroked Gail's arm soothingly once again.

They spent some more time like this. Looking at photos, Gail asking questions, Holly telling her all kinds of stories from the past five years, all of them bearing witness to a happy, healthy relationship, to a vast amount of shared experiences, to a life, together.

She remembered the box of photos that Holly had once brought to the hospital, hoping they might trigger some memories. She debated asking about it in her head. She would have liked to hear more stories, possibly more benign, or more intimate stories. Not the ones out here in the open, for everyone to see. And then she thought about Gerald. The box of photos would still be here tomorrow, next week, any time. And maybe they had enough reminiscing for one day. She looked out the window. It was a beautiful day in June.

"Hey, do you want to go somewhere? The lake?"

"Sure. How about Bluffer's Park?" Holly was surprised by the blonde's request but recovered quickly.

"Sounds good."

They both took a shower, got dressed, and drove out to Scarborough. They took a stroll through the park. They sat on the stony shore, enjoying the quiet. They got coffee and walked along the sparsely populated beach. It was a beautiful day, but it was a weekday, and the wind by the lake was still a little chilly. They talked almost continuously. About nothing in particular really. Which made it feel like they talked about everything that would ever be important. They laughed a lot as well, they genuinely had fun together, which struck Gail. She wasn't the _fun_ type, she wasn't easy-going, she wasn't a people person. They found a pub at the marina and went in for dinner. They were obviously identified as a couple. Gail paid for the both of them and Holly didn't comment.

Holly dropped Gail off at Steve's house and came inside for a drink with Gail, Steve and Traci. The blonde brought up the family weekends at the cabin and everyone chimed in with more funny stories and anecdotes. It almost felt like old times, they thought. And it wasn't lost on Gail that that was the sentiment that was hanging in the air between the other three. The weird thing was, even to her it felt familiar, comfortable. A few times she caught herself wanting to mirror Steve's actions with Traci – to rest her hand on Holly's thigh or her back, to lean into her while they listened to the others' stories, to give her a peck on the cheek. And she almost did. She almost reached out. Almost.

… ... …

She regarded Gail patiently, tracing the contours of her face, while the blonde stared out of the window. She knew her stare was obvious, but she didn't care and she knew Gail didn't mind. The blonde was pensive, her eyes mirroring the train of thought that went through her mind. She wasn't really waiting for Gail to snap out of it, wasn't really waiting for anything in particular. She was happy to just sit here and watch her wife, keep her silent company, be present in case Gail needed her in any capacity.

They had been here before, had sat in the next booth, much like today. It didn't end well back then, a few months ago, for either of them. Today would be different.

Gail focused her attention back on Holly, holding her gaze for a long while.

"Thank you for doing this. All of it." She bit her lower lip and Holly smiled sympathetically. She wasn't so sure she was any help.

"Of course, Gail. Anytime." She nodded slowly. "How are you feeling?"

Gail shrugged in response and took her time to answer.

"I don't really know. I still can't remember _any_ of it. I mean, now I know, and of course I can picture it all and I can empathise with the person who suffered through all of it. But that person could be just anyone, you know? I… It doesn't feel like it happened to _me_."

Gail had decided she wanted to know. In a number of therapy sessions they started working through the police report, every little detail of it. Holly filled in the blanks, the painful aftermath, everything that Gail or others had told her. Full disclosure, that was the deal. It was incredibly hard and emotionally draining, for both of them. Still, even during the sessions, Holly could see what Gail had just confirmed. That there was a certain detachment on Gail's part. That to the detective, everything was just theoretical, and her lack of memories presented an obstacle that she couldn't overcome, try as she might. That is, until they got to Jerry.

Jerry was the point the blonde kept going back to, kept trying to grasp fully, kept trying to _solve_ , in a way. It was the point that made her cry, that made her relive the pain.

"Have you talked to Traci?" Holly knew she had.

Traci kept asking how the sessions went, how Gail was doing, knowing that no matter how the rest of it went, the news of Jerry would be a breaking point for Gail, maybe _the_ breaking point. And she also knew that when that point came, Gail would need her to live through it. In fact, they would both need each other to live through it once again.

The day that Jerry's fate came up in the therapy session, Traci didn't need to ask about it anymore. It was the day that Gail started avoiding her, couldn't stand to be in her presence, couldn't stand to look at her, her head bowed in guilt and shame. Just like it was now, at the mention of her friend's name.

The blonde just nodded, worrying her lip between her teeth, fighting the tears. Eventually she spoke, her voice shaky.

"She keeps telling me it's not my fault." She tried avoiding her fellow detective, but of course, Traci didn't let her.

"Because it isn't." Holly affirmed vigorously. Gail huffed and and closed her eyes. She shook her head as she spoke.

"Yeah, but, kind of, it is." A long silence settled between them. Holly wanted to tell her, again and again, that it _really, really_ wasn't her fault. But she already had done that. She had done that and Traci had done that. But Gail wouldn't hear it until she figured it out herself.

"I feel like… I want to do something. I want to do something for Traci. Something that makes up for…" She didn't finish her sentence. Instead, she just shook her head and shrugged helplessly. "But how do you make up for the loss of the person you love?" She raised her head and met Holly's eyes, pleading with her for an answer.

"You don't. You can't. And you don't have to. Traci will carry his death with her all her life, and that's okay. Because, more importantly, she will always carry his memory with her as well. He will always be remembered, as someone who was loved and as someone who loved." She was fortunate enough to not have experienced that kind of loss, but she'd had many long conversations with Traci about Jerry's death, about the before and the after, that she knew her words were true.

"There is not a thing you could have done differently. There is not a thing you could have done to save Jerry. And I know that doesn't make it any easier, but it is the truth." They were both close to tears.

"She said his death mattered. She said he died for something important. _Someone_ important." She met Holly's eyes again.

"I want to be someone important, Holly. I want to be someone who matters." She sounded small, unsure whether she could do it, whether she could be someone who mattered, but also determined that she really wanted to.

Holly tilted her head as she looked at her with disarming tenderness. "You _are_ someone who matters, Gail. A lot. To a lot of people. And Traci and Leo are _very_ high up on that list."

She went back to staring out of the window, tears running down her cheeks silently. Holly let her have her space and returned to watching her intently. Her words wouldn't wash away Gail's feelings of guilt. She knew that. But she hoped they would steer her in the right direction.

The blond straightened her back after a while and turned back towards Holly.

"What do you think about the… additional… measures?" Her abduction marked the point her amnesia started. It was highly likely that once she remembered that deeply traumatic incident, it would be the key to the rest of her lost memories. There was a chance that the memories would come back to her once they had accounted for everything that happened back then, but they didn't. Her therapist floated the suggestion of more invasive measures, if Gail wanted to push further. The suggestion included retracing her steps of that day, revisiting the place she was held, the place she saw Jerry, lying on the floor, bleeding, and, ultimately, coming face to face with Perik.

"I can't tell you what to do, Gail." She sincerely hoped that Gail would opt against it, but that was a decision only the blonde could make.

"I'm not asking you to tell me what to do. I just want to know what you think. Please, Holly."

The brunette complied.

"I think… I think that some things shouldn't be forced. If they're supposed to happen, they will. At some point." They both knew she was no longer just talking about the incident with Perik but also about _them_ , the memories of the latter most likely depending closely on the memories of the former. It was a painful thought, in a way, maybe. But to Gail it was uplifting, as it represented something that she so often missed. Trust. Holly trusted in Gail, trusted in them. She trusted in the fact that if they were supposed to be, they would happen. If they were supposed to be, Gail would see that and act accordingly. She wouldn't need the memories to tell her what to do.

She gave Holly the hint of a smile and nodded. "Yeah. I think you're right."

They sat like that for quite some time. In silence mostly, before Gail sat up, her body language signalling a change of topic, as did her tone.

"So, it's my dad's birthday next week. Are you coming too?" The question surprised Holly.

"I will be there if you want me to." Gail rolled her eyes at the brunette's reply and shook her head.

"No, Holly. It doesn't work like that anymore. You be there if _you_ want to be there. You have to stop making your decisions for me." Her tone was harsh and she could see Holly was taken aback by it. She tried to appease her.

"That doesn't mean that I don't want you to be there. I do. I just mean… it shouldn't matter. You know? Stop walking on eggshells around me." Holly took a deep breath. She knew Gail was right and she knew it should be a relief. But she had gotten so used to putting Gail first, that this would require a lot of discipline on her behalf.

"Ok. I'll try, at least. Can we settle on that?" She questioned and the blonde chuckled and smiled at her. "Sure."

"So?" Gail was still waiting for an answer.

"So… Yes, I'll be there." She paused for a moment. "Actually, your brother already talked to me about a present." Gail raised her eyebrows in question. "He was thinking an E-Bike."

"An E-Bike, seriously? And what about next year, are we going to make reservations at a retirement home?"

Holly couldn't help but laugh out loud at Gail's indignation.

"He's been talking about it, apparently. He has already researched everything and even picked out a model."

The blonde huffed, but finally conceded, nevertheless rolling her eyes. "Fine."

"So how does this usually work? They pay half, we pay half?" She tried to make it sound like a simple question, like there was nothing to it. But her slight nervousness showed as she reached for her glass of iced tea and took a moment to drink before she looked up to meet Holly's gaze.

"Pretty much." Holly nodded.

"Okay. Just let me know how much my share is?" Holly grinned. Apparently it was decided that she and Steve would take care of the present.

"Actually, I… I was just going to take it out of our… joint account?"

She raised her eyebrows in surprise and Holly mirrored her gesture. "What?" Did she say too much?

Gail shook her head.

"Nothing. I don't know. I just never saw myself having a joint account with anyone. Or a joint anything for that matter. I never saw anyone _wanting_ to have a joint anything with me, I guess." The blonde shrugged and focused back on the glass in front of her, feeling a little embarrassed with her admission.

"Well, I like having a joint something with you. Like a piece of cake."

"Yeah, you sure do make it seem easy." In a number of ways. Holly made loving someone, trusting someone, sharing your life with someone seem like the most straightforward, simple endeavour to ever be undertaken. No, maybe that wasn't true. But Gail? She certainly loved Gail, trusted Gail, _handled_ Gail so effortlessly that it just didn't seize to astonish and amaze the blonde. Even beyond that, Holly was the first person that made Gail feel like she was able to do the exact same thing, and that it wouldn't be all that hard. That all the things she never considered herself worth or capable of were entirely possible. That happiness wasn't as elusive a thing after all. Not with anyone, certainly. But with Holly.

Holly pushed the menu across the table and tapped her finger on the desert section, pulling Gail out of her thoughts. "No, I was talking about an actual piece of cake. Wanna share one?"

She squinted at the menu and then at the brunette, until she couldn't help but grin mischievously. "I'll share two pieces of cake with you."

"Deal."


	17. Chapter 17

_AUTHOR'S NOTE:_

 _I know nothing about baseball. But I don't think you'll care. :-) Enjoy!_

* * *

She stood in the cover of the pillar, her back pressed against the cool, hard concrete, her heart racing. She knew that Holly was close. She was pretty sure she was crouching behind the barrier a few meters behind the pillar, slowly moving forward to sneak a peek at the room and try and locate Gail. Suddenly she heard footsteps. Holly must have jumped up from her hiding place, trying to run for the next cover. Gail smirked. _Gotcha._ She jumped out of the cover of the pillar and turned around, her gun pointing at the brunette who was running straight into her arms. It took her a second to actually register Gail, and when she did, she squeaked like a little girl, at a pitch that Gail never would have thought possible to come out of Holly's mouth, while laughing hysterically at the same time, out of shock, for one, but just as much at the sound of her own squeaking and the expression it produced on Gail's face.

That was the moment Gail forgot about _everything_. She forgot that the plan was to score the final hit on Holly, forgot to pull the trigger. She forgot about the fact that the woman standing in front of her was her _wife_. She forgot about the fact that she didn't remember that. She forgot about the fact that she didn't remember a very long list of things, five years worth of life. She forgot about the fact that they were in a public place, surrounded by a bunch of other people hunting each other down with laser guns. In that moment, the only thing she remembered, the only thing there was, was the sight of the woman standing in front of her and what that did to her legs, to her stomach, to her heart, to... _places_. For a few seconds, she froze, skipped a few breaths, and her eyes jumped back and forth from Holly's lips to her eyes, that were both laughing so openly, from deep within, beaming at the blonde.

…

She had struck a deal with Holly. She would accompany the brunette to the game if Holly came to play laser tag with her. It's not like the thought of going to see a baseball game with Holly seemed like a huge sacrifice to Gail. It was the thought of going to see a baseball game with Holly, Chloe, Oliver, Sam and Andy. Apparently that was something they did, the six of them. And apparently Sam had thrown caution to the wind and decided to ignore the fact that things weren't exactly like they used to be. Sam just wasn't having any of that. If it were up to him, Gail and Holly would have long been back together because, wasn't it crystal clear that they were made for each other? So why the fuss?

His attitude got him into more than just one fight with Andy. For one, because he let it slip once that between the two couples – Gail and Holly on the one hand and Sam and Andy on the other – the two women were the even better match, the more _inevitable_ pairing, the most fitting example of the _one true love_. For another, because he just bought their usual six tickets, kind of forcing Gail to join them – or at least putting enough social pressure on her that there was hardly an elegant way out for the blonde. Ever since that episode with Nick years ago – and even more so now, after Gail's accident – Andy had always been extremely careful to not to provoke the blonde, to not cross any line with her, almost painfully so for bystanders to watch. But she knew what it was like to get on Gail's bad side and she would do her best not to end up there again.

Gail had to admit, she was actually having fun. And it wasn't all too surprising, really. She had already accepted the fact that she usually had fun when Holly was involved. And the least she would get out of this were hot dogs, beer, and a chance to chase Holly through a laser tag maze. So, what was not to like? The game itself bored Gail a little, but Holly managed to make even that interesting with her commentary, crazy statistics she would recite, and the trash talk she exchanged with mostly Sam and Chloe. _Damn, that little redhead could swear like a sailor!_ After a while, they even got Gail a little riled up.

"Are you blind?! _I_ could have hit that ball!" she shouted after the batters second strike. Holly's head swung around towards the blonde while she snorted and could barely contain her laughter. "Yeah right!" she retorted to Gail's little outburst.

"What, you don't think I could?" The blonde stared Holly down in mock consternation. "Ahhh…" Holly wasn't sure what to say.

"Ahhh." Gail mocked her playfully. "I'm telling you, I will show you! We'll go down to the batting cages and I'll show you I can hit the ball like a pro."

"Oh really?" Holly challenged her. "And tell me, Babe Ruth, how often have you actually hit a ball so far? Aren't you worried you're going to pull a muscle or something?"

"Well," Gail shook her head as if that little detail had no implication for the question at hand "it's not going to kill me to try something new, Holly."

The brunette instantly fell silent, taken aback by Gail's comment, when they were suddenly ripped out of their bubble by the rich sound of ball on bat and the subsequent cheering of the crowd. Holly focused her attention back on the game, her gaze following the ball as it crossed the outfield fence. She joined in with the cheering and turned back towards Gail, beaming at her, before she high-fived the rest of their gang.

Gail beamed right back, but it wasn't the home run that had caught her attention. It was the memories that flooded her the instant the ball hit the bat. _Holly hitting the ball as if it was nothing. Come on, it's cathartic. She held the bat out to her. She tried and failed miserably while Holly looked on and couldn't contain her laughter. Actually, it might kill you._ She wanted to feel humiliated at the brunette's laughter, but within the fraction of a second she realised that there was not the tiniest gleam of malice in her reaction. So instead of feeling humiliated, she just laughed with her, even as she was stomping off in embarrassment. And afterwards, kind of as an apology, Holly took her out for burgers and the night was spent sharing embarrassing stories and laughing about themselves and each other.

Gail couldn't anchor the memory. What stage of their friendship or relationship had they been in at that point? Was that a date? Had they already been dating? Were they maybe already married, even? She didn't know. What she did know, though, what she did remember as if it was yesterday, was how she felt so incredibly _free_. So completely willing to make a fool of herself, so unburdened by trying to keep up appearances. No, there was no other, no better word for it. She felt free.

She took a deep breath and felt an immense weight fall off her shoulders as she turned towards the woman to her right and stared at her in amazement. If Holly noticed, she didn't let it show one bit.

…

She didn't notice when her arm moved to place the laser gun in the holster, but suddenly she found her hands free. She grabbed Holly by the vest she was wearing, pulled her close and very slowly let her lips find Holly's, until they touched, softly, gently, shyly, but with such anticipation that she couldn't help the moan that came from deep within her at the contact. It was as if it released a thunderstorm, a whirlwind, a tornado that has been brewing inside of her for such a long time, and now it finally broke free. For a few seconds, she stayed completely still, just basking in the feel of Holly's lips on hers, their soft, silky texture, their warmth, the feel of her pulse throbbing through them, before she started moving her lips slowly. Her lower lip brushed up on Holly's, slowly, purposefully, applying the faintest hint of pressure, and then briefly rested in between Holly's lips before repeating the movement. Reaching the valley where Holly's lips met once again, she enveloped her upper lip in hers, sucking it gently. In the meantime Holly had dropped her laser gun and her hands were traveling up Gail's arms slowly, until they reached her shoulders. They rested there for a second before they slowly, almost reluctantly, but ultimately with determination, pushed Gail back. She still held her in place though by the shoulders, while at the same time taking a small step back to bring a little more space between Gail and herself. She didn't dare to open her eyes yet, though. She was still mesmerised by the tingling feeling on her lips, paralysed by Gail's move, unable to face the blonde just yet. After several seconds she finally managed to lift her eyelids, only to stare into big blue eyes, filled with emotion, with lust, with trepidation, with expectation.

"Gail..." Holly was struggling to find her voice. Her hand came to rest on Gail's chest. Whether it was to keep Gail at a distance or get closer to her through the feel of her heartbeat, she didn't really know.

"Is this... I'm sorry... I thought... I thought it was... ok." Her hands loosened their grip on Holly's vest, just as her eyes slowly dropped from Holly's. Momentarily, Holly felt like an idiot for making Gail feel this rejected and clearly embarrassed. She was quick to seek out Gail's eyes with hers again, to reconnect with her, and shook her head, trying to tell Gail that this was not what she thought.

"No. Gail. It was... It is... ok. More than ok. I just... I don't want you to do it for the wrong reasons, you know? I don't want you to..." She was interrupted by Gail's thumb pressing on her lips. The blonde took a step towards Holly, reducing the distance between them, and looked at her intensely.

"You have to stop talking." She said in that voice just above a whisper, that silky, seductive, fragile voice that was so Gail. "This... You... It's the only thing that's felt _real_ ever since... _shit_ happened. It's the _one_ thing that's felt _right_ , that's felt like... like _me_." She regarded Holly's face for a few moments, a face that seemed to say _Are you really sure about that?_ and _I'm so sorry_ and _This is the most beautiful thing anyone has ever said to me_ and a myriad of other things, all at the same time. She brought her hands up to Holly's face, her thumbs ghosting over her cheeks as she watched Holly's eyelids flutter closed, and pulled her in for a soulful kiss. Holly's hands found Gail's hips and moved up to her waist, carefully, purposefully, before they wrapped around her back and pulled her body flush into hers, taking the blonde with her as she took a few steps back into the cover of one of the darker corners until her back came in contact with the wall. And then she felt the soft stroke of Gail's tongue on her lips, first her lower one, from right to left, and then her upper one, left to right, and all she could do was give in to the moan that was building up deep inside of her, a moan that encouraged Gail to take the kiss further. Her tongue pushed past Holly's plump lips as her right hand found Holly's chin, lightly guiding the brunette to open her mouth a little wider, to grant her entrance. And then she stopped for a second, basking in the anticipation of what was about to come, as Holly internally braced herself. And then her tongue entered and found Holly's, cautiously, delicately brushing up against it, and Holly was done for.

She instantly felt the sting of tears in her eyes, the lack of air in her lungs, the aching of her heart, that couldn't quite cope with the longing that she had tried to keep in check for months now finally coming to fulfilment. Her knees went weak, her legs threatening to give in, and she clung to Gail as if she was hanging on for dear life. She remained cautious, refraining from putting too much into that kiss. She left Gail in charge at all times. For one, because it was hard for her to control anything anyway, her head spinning, her synapses blowing out. Mostly, though, she didn't want to overwhelm the blonde. To her, this kiss was so much more than just a kiss. It was everything to her. It made her yearn for everything else. _Everything._ She knew she couldn't put that on Gail. She wouldn't.

She didn't know how much time had passed, but it took a few teenagers bumping into them by accident for them to pull apart reluctantly. It was better that way, though, they realised when they spent long seconds panting heavily, trying to catch their breaths. Gail rested her forehead against the crook of Holly's neck, one hand resting on her shoulder, while she steadied herself with her other hand pushed up against the wall. Holly still held on to Gail, staring at the ceiling and trying to figure out where to take it from here. Again, she waited for Gail to lead the way. When the blonde lifted her head from Holly's neck, waiting for her to meet her gaze, Holly swallowed heavily, blinking back the tears one last time, happy that it was dark enough for Gail not to see the remainder of them in her eyes. Finally, Holly managed to lock eyes with Gail, whose gaze was boring into her.

"We should get out of here." Gail whispered, and Holly agreed.

They returned their gear in silence and Gail paid. They left and got into Gail's car in silence, carefully avoiding looking at each other. Neither of them said a word as Gail was driving them home. And now they were parked outside of Holly's place, the silence finally reaching a degree of discomfort that Holly decided she had to say something. Anything.

She pointed at the apartment building to her right. "Well. This is me." _Duh._

Gail just perked up her eyebrows and nodded, throwing a quick sideways glance at the woman next to her. Holly cleared her throat.

"Thank you for... today. I had fun." _Was that really the best you could come up with?_

Gail turned her head to the right. "Uh. Yeah, sure. I had fun, too." She nodded again and Holly mirrored the movement.

"So, I… um… I'll see you." She was still nodding. Gail was still nodding. "Mhm." It was the blonde's only reply, her voice faint, her lips pressed together. Holly threw a small, strained smile at Gail before getting out of the car.

Her eyes followed Holly until the door fell into the lock, hiding the brunette behind it. _Déja-vu._ She released the breath she hadn't realised she was holding and threw her head against the headrest several times. She took a few deep breaths before she opened her eyes again and curled her fingers around the steering wheel tightly. For about 10 minutes she sat still like that, pondering whether she should walk up to Holly's door or just drive off. Eventually, she opted for the latter.


	18. Chapter 18

_AUTHOR'S NOTE:_

 _You guys are absolutely amazing and a joy to write for! Thank you for your support, your reviews and your comments. Keep them coming! :-)_

* * *

About 42 hours of radio silence later, Gail was walking down the corridor to Holly's lab with heavy legs. Daily contact had become an unspoken rule between the two of them. Most days, they would see each other in some capacity. In the beginning it was coffees or quick lunches, which soon turned into longer hangouts, walks and outings, dinners, movie nights, and eventually, sleepovers. And when Gail was on duty, she took every chance she got to visit the morgue for a quick break spent with the brunette that had become the most important person and the most vital support in her life. And those days during which they didn't see each other – which were getting fewer as time went by – they maintained lively text-conversations throughout the whole day. At the very least, there was a message goodnight, offering the other a quick recap of their day and checking in. Yesterday, though? Nothing.

It's not like Gail wouldn't have had the opportunity to drop by the morgue. But she didn't. Back at Steve's place, she started typing out countless messages, but didn't send any of them. And she didn't hear anything from Holly either. She didn't expect to anyway. She knew Holly would let her call the shots, knew that the last thing she wanted was to put any kind of pressure on Gail. And the way they parted after playing laser tag, it was only understandable that Holly wasn't exactly sure what it was that Gail wanted.

But the blonde had a felling that that wasn't the only reason for the older woman's silence. Because that night, Gail noticed something else. She noticed Holly's restraint. She felt it in the way she kissed her, in the way she tensed up next to her, in the way she seemed hyper-aware of her own actions both during and after the kiss, as if she was scared that if she wasn't careful, if she just gave in to what her gut told her, she would do something she might regret.

By now she knew that the one thing Holly cared about most was Gail and Gail's well-being. She had always been effortlessly careful around Gail, susceptible to every single one of Gail's needs, and selflessly putting aside her own needs in favour of Gail's. But, by now she also knew Holly well enough to be able to read the little signs. She knew her well enough to know that while her caution was certainly in no small part out of consideration for Gail and her situation, it was just as much a form of self-protection. She felt the reluctance in her touch, saw the raw fear in her eyes, sensed the joyous and hopeful yet disconsolate clench of her heart. And she understood, because in all those things, she also saw the reason for them, clear as day. Love. Unadulterated, unwavering, sincere, deep love. The kind that Gail never thought anyone could feel for her. Sure, since Holly was her wife, she supposed she had to love her. And it's what people told her. And with each passing day, she was more convinced that she did. She could tell by the way she behaved, the way she looked at her. But what she saw that night, that was something she never would have expected, something she never could have imagined. What she saw were all those things that Holly had tried to keep locked away. And when she realised that, she also realised that she had a responsibility far greater than she had assumed. A responsibility to make sure Holly's heart would remain unscathed. A responsibility that had weighed a little too heavy on her shoulders at first, paralysing her.

Not that Holly would ever hold her to it.

"Come on, Gail. Don't fuck this up." She muttered to herself, drawing in a long breath and then expulsing the air purposefully before entering Holly's lab. As always, the door was open, and as always, Gail stopped on the doorsill, took in the sight of Holly, bent over a dead body, examining something on his neck, before she knocked lightly on the doorjamb. Holly looked up and answered absentmindedly. "Yes. What..." and then, at the sight of Gail, she fell silent and stared at her in shock, holding her breath.

It still happened every time the blonde entered her lab. For the fraction of a second there was this image flashing before her eyes, the image of Gail in her uniform, sauntering through the door. Unfortunately, she had told Gail about it once, which the blonde henceforth used frequently to pull her chain and call her a badge bunny. It wasn't exactly untrue, after all. And of course she found Gail attractive, sexy, hot, in any situation and attire and under any circumstance. That was for sure. But in that uniform…

Gail, for her part, remained stone still on the doorsill. She realised she hadn't really thought her visit all the way through. She knew the gist of what she wanted to tell Holly. But how to get to that point, how to start a conversation with her, how to even greet her, she had no idea. Finally, Holly released the breath she was holding. The image of Gail in uniform was followed by the image of Gail that night at laser tag and then everything that happened after. Everything that didn't happen after, rather. Why was Gail here? How was she going to play it?

"De... tective?" Her eyes remained focused on Gail's.

"Doc?" _Really? So what now? Are you just going to pretend that that kiss never happened?_ Gail finally broke free from the hold of Holly's gaze and let her eyes dart down to the body on Holly's table.

"This the guy from under the bridge?" Just before she left for the morgue, Traci asked her to join her on the case once she got back. Holly nodded.

"Know anything yet?" She knew the answer to that already. She knew she was stalling.

"I just got him like three minutes ago." Holly knitted her eyebrows together.

Did she really think Gail just came here to ask about results on the body?

"Of course. Sorry." Gail shook her head and waved her hands toward the body, indicating that Holly should continue whatever she was doing. Holly looked down at the body and back up at Gail, pondering what to do. After a few seconds she picked up her instruments and continued examining the body.

Gail stood on the opposite side of the exam table for a few minutes, watching Holly, tracing every single one of her movements, every twitch on her face, fascinated with the effect just the sight of that woman, bent over a dead body, had on her.

Suddenly, Swarek barged into Holly's lab. "Stewart, what can you tell me?" Holly shot him a puzzled look. "Wasn't this Nash's case?" The detective stopped in his tracks. "Young girl from the campsite in the woods?" Holly shook her head no. "Middle-aged dude from under the bridge. Try Marcus." He shrugged. "Alright, thanks." As he turned around, he caught sight of Gail. "Oh, hey Peck. You havin' fun down here?" And he was out the door.

She shuddered as the room suddenly changed its colour.

"Coronary Arteriosclerosis: An analysis of an autopsy." She said it to herself, but loud enough so that Holly could hear it. The brunette stopped dead, her head shooting up.

"What did you just say?" She looked at the blonde with bewilderment.

"I was sitting over there somewhere." She pointed at the corner where the desk would have been. This must either have been a different lab, or Holly had moved things around in the meantime. "I was browsing through this nerdy magazine and you were looking at a pile of bones through this ridiculous magnifying glass." She indicated its size with her hands, which made Holly chuckle. "Something about a case from ten years earlier. Robinson. Rob. Robert." She closed her eyes. "Robbie Robbins! He had a metal plate in his humerus. You said something about his bones being smelly and I think I made a joke about it."

"Yeah you did." The smile on Holly's face was growing so wide it almost hurt. She was pacing herself not to crowd Gail too much, not to overwhelm her with questions. She wanted to let her move at her own pace.

Gail closed her eyes again, reliving the situation over and over again in her head. A few minutes had passed when she opened them again and found Holly still unmoving and staring at her.

"I told you I could live down here. And that I was a cat in a tree?" Holly nodded happily. "Yeah. Creating emergency situations to..."

"...to get out of relationships." Gail finished the sentence and nodded. "And you told me you were a lesbian."

Holly laughed out loud. "Yeah. And you were completely unfazed by it." There was a long silence, before Holly continued. "That was the day we first met."

They regarded each other for a long while, basking in the unfamiliar feeling of sharing a memory. Holly was the first to speak up.

"Gail, this is amazing! This is huge, this is a huge step! How... How are you feeling about it?"

"Yeah, it is... Pretty amazing. I'm feeling alright, I guess? Confused? A little overwhelmed, maybe? I don't really know." Gail shook her head, still a little lost in the memory.

"Maybe you should call your therapist? See what she makes of it?" It was no longer mandatory, but Gail still visited her therapist regularly, not only because of the panic attack she suffered. It seemed to help her cope with the situation. And if this wasn't a compelling reason for an unscheduled session, what was?

"Yeah, I'll do that." Gail mumbled, still absent-minded.

"Have you remembered anything else lately?" From what Holly remembered of her classes, a memory coming back usually wasn't a one-off. Once one memory came back, so did the others, little by little. Of course those phenomena varied greatly in prevalence and extent. Still, chances were that this wasn't the first flicker of a memory coming back to her. Or the last. Gail hesitated for a moment, frowned, and then shook her head. "No."

"Do you... want to talk about this?" Holly certainly wanted to talk about it, but this wasn't about her. Again, the blonde shook her head no. So the pathologist went back to work reluctantly, Gail still rooted to the spot.

This came at a really inopportune time. It wasn't why she was here. And she had to deal with why she was here, wanted to deal with why she was here. There was no time right now to dissect that memory or bring up the others. There was no room for the past right now. What was important right now were the things that happened in _this_ reality.

"I didn't hear from you yesterday." Gail started, focusing on her initial intention.

"I..." _I didn't hear from you either,_ Holly wanted to say, but thought better of it. "Sorry. I know. I should have texted. Or something." She gave the blonde an apologetic look before focusing back on her work. Before pretending to be focusing back on her work, to be precise.

"It's alright. I could have texted too." They shared a shy look and another few minutes of silence.

"It's just... I don't even know how your day was." Gail surprised herself with that admission. Yes, it was a means to buy some time, to approach the point slowly, but she realised quickly that the fact that she didn't know how Holly's day was actually, truly bothered her. Holly looked up in surprise.

"Uhm. It was quite boring actually." Gail regarded her questioningly, so Holly went back to working on the body and started telling Gail about her day.

"... got some takeaway from the place down the street from here and then went for a run." She finished.

"Hm." Gail nodded, lost in thought.

"How was your day?" Holly's question came hesitantly, as if she wasn't sure whether she was allowed to ask.

"I... It was..." Gail started, but then quickly realised that this was her in. So she gave Holly the only honest answer she could.

"I missed you." Holly froze. Slowly, she put down the instruments she was holding and met Gail's gaze.

"I miss you a lot. When I'm not with you. I..." Gail breathed deeply. "What I said the other day, I really meant that. You know?" There it was again, the fear and the hope and everything in between in Holly's eyes.

"I know it doesn't compare to a marriage, or to years of being together, but... it's _real_. I know it's real. And I don't want to lose that." Holly wasn't the only one who was scared.

"Gail, you're not..." Her voice was shaky, her eyes watery. Gail interrupted the brunette.

"Just don't give up on me, Holly. I know I've stretched your patience. I know I've kept you waiting for a long time. But I'm… I'm on my way. So… Don't give up on me. Please? " She knew she didn't need to ask that from her. Holly promised her once that she wasn't going anywhere and Gail knew she was going to keep that promise. She just wanted her to know that she wasn't waiting in vain.

"Of course, Gail!" Holly said indignantly, letting her know that that was a given anyway.

"Ok. Ok?" They exchanged another smile, a heavy load being lifted from both of their shoulders, the elephant being out of the room.

"Ok." Holly nodded.

"Good then." Gail was swaying back and forth awkwardly. The goodbye. That's what she hadn't thought about either.

"I... I have to get back to the station. Can we do... dinner? Tonight?" Gail wasn't sure whether she should ask, whether Holly maybe needed some more time to process, whether she needed some space, but the delighted smile on Holly's face told her that her reluctance was in vain.

"How about I cook? Seven?" Gail grinned.

"Sounds great. I'll see you then." She waved somewhat awkwardly and sauntered out of Holly's office, accompanied by a "Bye Gail" from Holly and another image of Gail in uniform popping up.

She focused back on the body when she heard resolute footsteps storm back into the lab. The door was slammed shut and within the blink of an eye, Gail's face was right in front of hers.

"I lied." Holly was surprised at that unexpected admission. Lied about what?

"This wasn't the first memory that came back to me." Holly raised her eyebrows in question while Gail started to carefully strip off her gloves. "We kissed. In the interrogation room. You were upset and worried and I kissed you."

Tears gathered in Holly's eyes while Gail took down the safety goggles and placed them on the edge of the examination table.

"I think it was our first kiss. In my memory, it felt like a first kiss." Holly breathed deeply, her eyes expectant and alert. "It was." She nodded. The first _actual_ kiss anyway. She found herself unable to do anything, unable to act, hardly able to talk. Internally, it felt like she was watching a movie, on the edge of her seat, mesmerised and waiting impatiently to see what would happen next.

Gail leaned in to reach the spot in Holly's neck where the scrub coat was tied. Holly could feel the blonde's breath on her cheek. She undid the knot, pulling the scrubs down over her shoulders and her arms and finally letting it drop to the floor.

"I was too preoccupied the other night, when we were playing laser tag. Too hyped up to pay attention. There was far too much going on." She circled Holly's hips cautiously, touching her just enough to be able to steer her. She lead her backwards until the back of her thighs hit the desk, so that she was half leaning against, half sitting on top of the desk, as Gail continued, all the while moving in closer and closer.

"But ever since that day I couldn't stop wondering whether you still smelled the same, whether your lips still felt the same, whether you still… tasted the same."

Her lips were almost touching Holly's now. And she closed the remaining space between them slowly, bringing their lips together in a delicate touch. She moved her lips painfully slowly against Holly's, taking in each and every detail, every little sensation, as Holly pulled her in closer. Matching every aspect of this kiss with her memory. Was this the same Holly? Were these the same two people kissing? Was this the same Gail? She parted Holly's lips demanding entrance, using the faintest amount of teeth, and intensified their kiss as Holly moaned into her mouth. They lost themselves in the kiss and when Gail eventually disconnected their lips and stepped back, I took a while for Holly to open her eyes. Gail regarded the blissfully perplexed brunette lovingly for a long moment, before she gave her one last smile. "I really have to go. I'm looking forward to tonight." She whispered, and Holly could only nod as the detective made her way out of her lab.

There was no buttery almond smell. Honey? Shea? A combination of both, Gail thinks. Her lips were still as full, but even softer than she remembered. She thinks it was winter back then? Coffee. Coffee, instead of tea. All the external sensations, each and every one of them, were slightly different from the blueprint of her memory. This wasn't the same Holly. It certainly wasn't the same Gail.

And it didn't matter. What mattered was the fact that feeling her breath on her lips made her heart skip a beat, that the touch of her hand sent a shiver down her spine. What mattered was that the way she looked at her flooded her with warmth from the inside. What mattered was that her presence grounded her and made her feel light and unburdened at the same time. What mattered was that the thought of her was a constant. A perpetual longing. That Holly's place in her life was an undisputable truth.


	19. Chapter 19

So, she and Gail were… dating? Was that the right word for it? It implied a casualness that didn't quite apply to their situation, Holly thought. Still, she endeavoured to not give it too much gravity either. For Gail, all this was new, and it was a huge step as it was, so maybe, a little casualness was in demand after all. Maybe, a little casualness would be good for both of them.

On the surface, not much had changed ever since Gail made her move and kissed her a few weeks ago. They had already been spending a lot of time together anyway. Maybe that became even more, maybe Gail slept over a little more often than she did before. Maybe it felt a little more organic than it did before, maybe the present shone a little brighter and the past loomed a little less darkly above their interactions. Certainly, there was more touching than before, and a lot more kissing. The blonde didn't exactly exercise restraint when it came to physical contact and Holly was definitely not complaining.

…

She had just put the lasagna in the oven when there was a knock at the door. She threw a surprised frown towards the door before she opened it, giving the blonde on the other side that same look. Gail's nervous smile started leaning more towards the nervous than the smile.

"I… I'm a little early, I know. I'm sorry." The truth was, she couldn't wait to get to Holly's. The truth was, had this been just three days earlier, she would have come over as soon as she finished at work without giving it another thought, regardless of the time they had set for dinner. The truth was, she had already spent about 15 minutes pacing up and down in the locker room, and another 10 in the car in front of Holly's house, drumming nervously on the steering wheel. And she still was early.

"What happened to your key?" Holly tried to explain the surprised look on her face.

"Nothing?" She held up her set of keys, the key to the apartment singled out and held between her index finger and her thumb. She had pulled it out in reflex and was just about to use it, when she started worrying whether that wouldn't be a little weird, considering the somewhat special occasion of her visit tonight.

The brunette laughed. "Why are you knocking on the door then?"

"Well, I thought it would be… I thought I should… I don't know… I didn't want to let myself in for our _date_. I wanted to do this right."

Holly's eyes grew wide. Sure, she had been obsessing over tonight ever since the blonde had left her lab earlier, wondering what would happen, what Gail would say, how it would feel. Whether it would feel any different, whether they would feel different. But the label _date_ had somehow never popped up in her mind.

"Date? I thought this was… dinner?" She pushed up her glasses as Gail frowned at her.

"Yeah. A dinner… _date_." She fixated Holly, letting some of the bitchy filter through. Of course, the moment Holly said 'dinner', the gears in her head started shifting and her instincts told her to run. Because there was the slightest hint of a flicker of a possibility that Holly and her weren't on the same page, that Gail might get hurt, or even worse, make a fool of herself. But she was trying to be better than that, she had promised Holly that. Had promised her to try harder. "So, are you gonna let me in?"

"Oh shit, sorry." Holly shook her head. She hadn't realised they were still standing there, unmoving. Gail on one side of the doorsill, Holly on the other. "Of course." She stepped out of the way and tilted her head towards the inside of the apartment, begging Gail inside. She closed the door and was already halfway to the kitchen, when she realised Gail was still rooted to the spot.

"Gail, can you please relax? You're making me even more nervous than I already am. Just… act normal. Do what you always do."

Gail huffed in disbelief. "I can't do that, Holly! I wanna make a good impression."

Holly laughed out loud, which caused Gail to grin as well. "So… You're nervous?" Somehow, that realisation calmed her down considerably.

"A little." Holly bit her lip. "Or… a lot."

"You see? Because it's a date! Ha!" She pointed at the brunette triumphantly, while the other women just shook her head and chuckled.

"You are insane, you know?"

"Somehow I have a feeling you like that about me."

The brunette pursed her lips, as if she had been caught in the act and the mischievous joy that Gail could see reflected in her eyes told her that she was very much on point.

"Come on." She said as she took Gail's hand and pulled her into the kitchen. She hadn't even noticed her move until they were standing in the middle of the kitchen and it was time to let go again. She did so slowly, reluctantly, and not without squeezing Gail's hand before she did. "So dinner's in the oven, should be ready in half an hour."

She got out a glass from the cupboard. "You want some wine?" As she turned around, a smiling Gail was standing right in front of her. She leaned in and pressed a soft, lingering kiss to Holly's lips. "Wine would be great."

"Well, this is new." Holly stammered while she was still recovering from Gail's unexpected move.

"What can I say, I live to surprise." Gail backed away, a grin still plastered on her face, rounded the kitchen island and sat on on of the barstools.

Holly cleared her throat nervously. "So. Wine." She poured a glass for Gail and placed it in front of the blonde, picked up her own glass and touched it to Gail's before they both took a sip.

The brief timeout helped them both compose themselves and conversation started flowing, as usual. They talked about their days, about work, about the book that Holly was currently reading, recommended by Gail, about that new Netflix show they both wanted to see, about Holly's dad, whose recovery went a little slower as planned, about the last family dinner, the first that Holly had joined on occasion of Bill's birthday after a long period of absence. They quickly fell into their usual routine, into their familiar give and take.

Still, tonight, things were different. They actually sat down at the kitchen table for dinner instead of eating at the kitchen counter or, as was mostly the case, on the sofa. They didn't talk about the past. There was no 'tell me about this photo', no 'how did we', no 'what happened to', no 'I wouldn't know'. It was as if the blonde had flipped a switch, as if she was no longer Gail, the girl who had amnesia and has forgotten about her wife, but instead Gail, the girl who really liked that other girl and enjoyed being on a date with her, enjoyed getting to know her, enjoyed falling in love.

And then there were those eyes, those big blue eyes that conveyed so much with every single look. That were so open, so full of anticipation, so genuinely interested, so happy. Smitten. Yeah, Gail was so smitten with Holly, the brunette realised. And the realisation let the butterflies in her stomach flutter a bit more wildly. _Like she saw her whole life in her eyes._ Not quite, actually. This look was new. This look wasn't a continuation of something, it was the start of something new.

She stopped in the middle of her sentence when the realisation hit her, and after a beat she mirrored Gail's wide smile and the look she gave her. At least that's what she was hoping, that Gail saw in Holly's eyes what she saw in Gail's. She leaned in and kissed the blonde patiently before she leaned back again and just couldn't stop smiling.

"Finally. I thought you'd never kiss me." The blonde got up, grabbed her glass and the bottle of wine and moved to the sofa.

They started watching that Netflix show, and after the first 20 minutes or so Holly slipped her hand into Gail's, who welcomed the gesture, and kept their intertwined hands resting in her lap. They had just finished the second episode when Gail checked the time on her phone.

"Shit, I didn't realise it's that late already!" She sat up, startled by the time, and looked over at Holly, who looked a little like a deer caught in the headlights. It was cute, really. She leaned in and her lips found Holly's. She quickly deepened the kiss and the brunette pulled her in even further until they sank into the sofa. They must have spent at least 20 minutes like that on the sofa, kissing, making out, until Gail reluctantly pulled back.

"Fuck. It really is late. I should get going." She placed one last kiss on Holly's lips and freed herself from the brunette's embrace, got up, picked up her boots and started putting them on. Holly slowly sat up in the sofa, trying to somewhat fix her tousled hair and to not feel hurt.

"You don't want to stay?" She did her best to make it sound casual, not sure whether she had succeeded.

"No. I _do_ want to stay. But I shouldn't." She grabbed her things and headed towards the door, Holly following her at some distance. Before she reached the door she turned around and waited for Holly to come closer. She placed her hands on either side on Holly's face and kissed her softly. "Thank you for dinner. It was delicious." Another kiss. "And for everything else." Another kiss. "Will I see you tomorrow?" Her smile was hopeful and Holly forced herself to snap out of the foul mood that was a mixture of disappointment and insecurity. "If you come by, sure. You know where I'll be." She couldn't completely get rid of it, and Gail noticed. She tried to smile a little more encouragingly. "I'll try. But… What about after? Do you have any plans for tomorrow night?"

She really hoped that Holly would understand. Understand that her leaving now was really mostly, exclusively actually, prudence and nothing else. Understand that she couldn't wait to see Holly again and that she would take every chance she got to do so. "No. Nothing planned yet." She tried to act aloof. "So. Is it okay if I come over after work?" Finally, Holly gave her an honest smile and nodded. "Yes." Gail nodded back and leaned in for another kiss. "Goodnight Holly."

"Goodnight Gail."

She got into her car and regarded Holly's apartment building. _The third time._ This was the third time she sat here, about to drive away when all she really wanted to do was go up there and be with Holly. She shook her head at herself.

About five minutes after Gail had left there was another knock at the door. Holly had just finished putting away their glasses and dirty dishes and was on her way to the bedroom upstairs. She grinned as she saw the blonde hair through the peephole.

"I really want to stay. But I need… Can we not…" It was hard for her to say. It was something she'd never said in all her life, she thinks. Sex had always come easy to her. In fact, if she would have had to chose between meaningless sex and all the other aspects of intimate relationships, she would have chosen meaningless sex any day. But she really wanted to do this right. Because with Holly, there was no meaningless sex. There was no meaningless anything. She huffed in frustration. "I think we should… take things slow. Is that okay?"

It was clear that Gail was uncomfortable and that, a little bit, she couldn't believe herself what she was saying. Holly's initial instinct was to appease the blonde. To give her an understanding look, accompanied by the tilt of her head, and tell her that it was okay. But she thought better of it. A condescending gesture like that was definitely not what Gail deserved.

She quirked an eyebrow. "You think I can't keep my hands off of you?" She looked the blonde up and down. "Please. You're not _that_ hot." With that, she turned and took off towards the stairs, leaving the door open for Gail to follow. The blonde huffed indignantly. "Yes I am!". She closed the door and followed Holly to the bedroom.

…

She sat at her desk, a huge pile of paperwork that needed to be finished today waiting for her. So of course, thoughts of Gail were a welcome invitation to procrastinate. As was the message tone of her phone.

 _Hey. How's your day going?_

She smiled softly at the screen.

 _Boring. Paperwork. Then some more paperwork. And now… paperwork._ She added a snoozing emoji.

 _You?_

 _No major crimes committed. Seems like I'm out of work for the day. I might even be getting off early._

 _Lucky you!_

 _Are you coming to Oliver's tonight?_ He had invited everyone to an impromptu barbecue at his house that morning.

 _Yeah, I was planning to. Are you going?_

 _Of course. Free food and beer. ;-)_

 _I might be running a little late though. Stupid paperwork._

 _As long as you'll be there._ Again, Gail's message prompted her to smile.

 _Can I stay at your place after?_ And just as quickly, the smile was gone, and she rolled her eyes. But before she could type out a reply, another message from Gail popped up.

 _I know, I know. I don't need to ask. You can stop rolling your eyes._ Holly chuckled.

 _So, I will see you tonight, and I will be going home with you._

 _Good. :-) See you tonight!_

She stared at the screen of her phone for a little while longer, waiting to see whether there was another message from Gail. There wasn't. Ok. Now she really had to get back to finishing up all that paperwork. After all, the prospect of seeing Gail and taking her home was waiting for her.

…

She was sitting with Dov and Chloe when Holly arrived. She had been anxiously waiting for her to get here, and it wasn't only because her colleagues' display of sweet and intimate togetherness really tested her patience. While they were going on and on about how they recently redecorated their place, Gail tried hard not to stare at Holly too obviously.

She made her way in Gail's direction, progressing slowly, since – of course – she hugged every single person she came across hello, made brief smalltalk with some of them and exchanged promises to check back later with others. But here she finally was, approaching their group, welcomed by a broad smile on Gail's face. And stopping just about a meter or two short of where they were sitting.

"Hey guys" she said as she raised her left hand, waving awkwardly. Dov and Chloe looked up in surprise, Holly's arrival having gone unnoticed by them so far.

"Oh, hey Holly! Good to see you!" They all looked at her, Gail's smile slowly fading and her eyebrows knitting together in confusion as Holly met her gaze briefly. The brunette looked around and caught sight of Oliver standing by the barbecue.

"Well, I'm gonna…" she left her sentence unfinished as she pointed towards their host. "I'll see you around." She turned around and walked away to greet Oliver, leaving behind a stunned Gail.

Chloe frowned at the brunette's wondrous behaviour for a moment before she focused back on Dov and their conversation, continuing to inform Gail in every benign detail about the changes they had made to their apartment. The blonde, of course, was no longer really listening to the couple, her mind preoccupied with Holly's strange entrance and her gaze trained on the brunette as she was in conversation with Oliver. She jumped up suddenly, stating she had to go talk to Oliver, leaving Chloe mouth agape in the middle of her sentence.

"Hey there." She approached Oliver and Holly, placing her hand briefly on Holly's back, and pulling it back instantly when she felt the brunette tense up at the touch. She threw a questioning look Holly's way, but got no reaction out of her. She cleared her throat.

"So, what's up? You hungry? You should definitely try Oliver's burgers. They're _the shit_." She tried to start up the conversation with an innocuous topic. It obviously didn't work on Holly.

"Uh, I was just going to get a beer. I'll get you another one as well?" She didn't wait for an answer from Gail before she turned away and took off towards the terrace door.

Oliver, apparently oblivious to the tension in the air, pointed at Gail with his tongs and grinned triumphantly. "Ha! You've always loved my burgers!"

"How is Celery letting you have meat on the premises anyway?" She raised one eyebrow at Oliver. "This is the sacred ritual of barbecuing, Gail. Even Celery understands you don't mess with that. You havin' fun?"

"Uh, sure." Her gaze wandered toward the terrace door. "So, what have you and Holly been talking about?" As soon as the question was out, she was mentally kicking herself for sounding like a controlling, jealous girlfriend.

"Uhm. Nothing in particular, really. She had to work late, apparently." He shrugged, not sure what Gail wanted to hear from him.

"You know, we've been… kissing and stuff?" Her admission came out of nowhere and caught Ollie off guard.

"What?! We… What?!" He almost spat out the beer he had just taken a swig from.

"What?!" The bewildered look on Gail's face brought him back on track.

"Oh, you mean…" He tilted his head towards the house, a grin spreading on his face slowly. "Oh… Nice." He nodded appreciatively. "Kissing and… _stuff?_ " He winked as he said _stuff_ and for a moment Gail thought she had never seen him act so girly.

"Well, not _stuff_ stuff, but, you know…" She couldn't suppress a grin herself though.

"That's good. I'm happy for you." He clapped her on the shoulder like the father figure he had always been.

"It is. I just… I'm not so sure anymore she sees it that way?" She shrugged and Oliver shook his head in disbelief. "Are you kidding? We're talking about Holly, right?"

"Yeah, I know, but… She's acting a little weird tonight. What if… What if she doesn't like the kissing and the stuff. What if this is a huge letdown for her? I mean, she _waved_ hello to me when she got here. Andy got a more heartfelt greeting from her than I did! What is it? Doesn't she want people here to know? Why? Because she isn't sure this is going anywhere? Or what? Doesn't she think…" She didn't care if she was over-sharing. She didn't care if she was making a fool of herself. She didn't care if she broke through the cool facade that she usually displayed. All of the things that had been running through her mind came bubbling out.

"Whoa. Gail, Gail. Hey. Slow down for a minute there, would you?" Oliver raised his hands in an appeasing gesture, before resting both hands on Gail's shoulders. "I want you to take a deep breath, take a step back, realise that you're making all kinds of the wildest assumptions, and just go and talk to Holly about it."

"Well, I would talk to her about it, if she didn't keep running away from me." He gave her a stern look and she rolled her eyes in response. "Yeah, alright. I'll go look for her."

"Attagirl." He nodded and nudged her towards the entrance that Holly had used just a few minutes earlier.

She entered the house and found Holly in the kitchen, having her back turned towards her. She turned around at the sound of footsteps.

"Hey." She nodded at Gail and the blonde nodded in return, approaching Holly. "Hey you." She made a point of keeping her voice soft.

"Hey." And Holly still nodded.

"You said that already." She came to a stop, keeping the kitchen island between them.

"Uh. I guess I did. Sorry. Here's your beer." She handed it across the kitchen island before taking a sip from her own beer.

"Thanks. Is something wrong?" Her tone became somewhat more challenging.

"No. What do you mean?" They both knew exactly what she meant. And they both knew that they both knew. But fine, Gail thought. She could play this game. After all, she probably wouldn't be acting any different if she were in Holly's place right now.

"I feel like you're avoiding me, or something." She saw no point in tiptoeing around it.

"What? No! I was just getting beer." She raised her bottle to Gail pointedly.

"You waved. You got here and you… _waved._ " Gail remained persistent, her frustration and astonishment obvious in her tone.

"Well, you were in conversation. I didn't want to interrupt." Holly shrugged, well aware of the fact that it was a lame and transparent excuse she came up with.

Casual. She wanted to just play it casual tonight. She used to be good at that, used to be good at appearing confident, at making it all look easy. She used to be good at appearing determined, unflinching, even when, _especially when,_ Gail was floundering. But then she got here and saw the blonde, amidst all those other people, and suddenly she didn't know how to do it. She didn't know how to act casual. What did casual even mean in this case? Was it a peck on the lips, or the cheek? A hug? A fist bump? So she stood there, she looked at Gail, and she froze.

She had hoped that greeting Oliver was a good enough reason to leave Gail sitting there, had hoped that that would give her a moment to catch her breath, get some perspective and just shake it off. The opposite was the case, really. She started overthinking it. Why? Why didn't she know how to act? Why was she so insecure all of a sudden?

Gail was ready to pursue the issue further when Holly was saved by Chris.

"Hey, Holly! We need you outside! Trivia match." She gave Gail a questioning and apologetic look and the blonde just shrugged in return and rolled her eyes, knowing very well that she couldn't exactly force her to keep having this conversation right here, right now.

Holly went outside and Gail followed, finding a spot in the vicinity of the trivia table. Dov, Chris and Nick were challenging Andy, Chloe and Holly. Girls vs Guys. It quickly became rather obvious which team would win – particularly Chloe and Holly made a well attuned team.

She decided to get another beer and when she came back, the trivia group had dissolved and Holly was already caught up in conversation with Steve and Sam. _Damn. That would have been her chance to continue their conversation._

She found Traci standing alone – Celery had just taken off to play hostess – and approached her friend from behind.

"Trace. Do you think Holly's acting a little weird tonight?" Traci turned around in surprise, then towards Holly, and back to Gail again.

"No. Not really? Why?" She was surprised that Gail was talking about Holly in the first place. She usually played it close to the vest when it came to the pathologist.

"Don't you think she's been a little… distant?" She kept her eyes trained on Holly at all times, not caring about whether she noticed or not.

"Towards you? I don't know… Maybe a little. But that's how you wanted it, right?" Truth be told, she hadn't really been paying attention to Gail and Holly all evening. In fact, she was making a conscious effort not to pay too much attention to the two in order to take some of the pressure off. She was aware, of course, that Gail and Holly had been spending time together more frequently lately, was aware that Gail had opened up to the brunette considerably, had let her come extremely close – especially by Gail's standards. But the last time she talked to Holly about _them_ explicitly, Gail had made a decision. A decision that she just wanted them to be friends.

"Maybe. At some point. But… What if you've spent the last couple weeks kissing someone. Wouldn't you find it a little weird then?" Traci shrugged initially, but after doing a double take on what the blonde had just said, she turned towards her friend, grinning and wiggling her eyebrows.

"Gail. Have Holly and you been… kissing?"

"We have." Gail grinned back, almost proudly.

"Yay you." She bumped her shoulder into Gail's, trying to keep her excitement in check.

"Yeah, I don't really know. Considering tonight." She tilted her head towards Holly, still beleaguered by the guys.

"Have you asked her about it?" She took a serious tone again and tried to focus on the problem, Gail's problem, at hand. She was sure that this was just a misunderstanding. She was sure that there would be a simple explanation for why Holly was acting a little distant tonight or why Gail _thought_ she was acting a little distant tonight, and that there would be an easy way out of it.

Above all, she was really impressed with Gail. With her seemingly sudden willingness to tackle a problem instead of ignoring it or running away from it. With her honesty and openness concerning the whole situation. With her readiness to let other people be a part of it, to let other people lend a helping hand, maybe. And she was glad that facing what happened to Gail and Jerry didn't cause the blonde's walls to go up but instead brought the two of them closer together, Gail realising that in the end they shared the same fate. In the end, they needed each other to get through what happened. Both back then, when the wounds were still fresh, and now, that the wounds have maybe healed but the scars were still there and always would be.

"I've tried. But she was a little… elusive. And then that idiot Diaz pulled her away." They both turned back towards Holly and saw Sam and Steve get up, leaving the brunette by herself.

"Now might be your chance." Traci gave her an encouraging pat on the back and a little nudge in Holly's direction.

"So, why are you avoiding me?" She wasn't wasting any time, firing out the question before she had even sat down next to Holly.

"I'm not avoiding you." Her tone was defensive and not very convincing, and the look Gail gave her certainly conveyed that assessment. Eventually, Holly had to give in.

"Fine. I just… When I saw you there, with all those people, I… I didn't know what to do." She shrugged as Gail was enquiring further. "Why?"

"Well, I didn't know what you… _wanted_ me to do. I didn't know if you wanted people to… _know._ " She raised her eyebrows and gave Gail an insecure and questioning look, while the blonde squinted at her.

"Why wouldn't I want people to know?" To be fair, Holly's worries weren't exactly far-fetched. Gail knew that. But she also knew that they were, for the most part, unnecessary. _She_ knew that. But Holly apparently didn't.

"If everyone knew, everyone would be watching. Watching our every step." Gail looked around and then back at Holly. "Everyone is watching our every step anyway." They both knew it was true. Especially for Gail of course. Sure, everyone was trying their best not to be intrusive, not to be too obvious about it, but they were under constant scrutiny from all of their friends and colleagues. Were they doing ok? Did Gail remember anything? How was Holly holding up? Did they exchange looks? Was there touching? How did they act around one another? Were they getting back together?

"Maybe, but… Once there is hope there is room for tragedy. I… I don't want to be the tragic figure again. I don't want people to look at me that way again." _I don't want to hurt like that again._ Scared. It took this conversation with Gail for even Holly herself to get to the bottom of it. But here she was. Holly was scared. Scared that Gail wasn't entirely sure what she was doing. Scared that in the end, she would be left again. Scared that she would be the one to be pitied in the end. An incredible sadness filled Gail at Holly's admission and she tilted her head to the side as she sought out Holly's eyes with hers.

"Yeah, that's the look." Holly's tone was dejected and she averted her eyes as Nick and Duncan approached, bantering loudly and sitting down next to them.

"Go away." Gail just spat in their direction and Nick fired back, matching her tone.

"What? You realise that this…" Gail wasn't having any of it.

"For fuck's sake, Nick. I'm trying to have a grownup conversation with Holly here. You are _literally_ the last person I need right now. Just go away." They stared each other down for a short while, until Nick just shook his head and got back up, pulling Duncan away with him.

She turned back towards Holly, eyeing her intensely. She hesitated for a moment before she placed her hand on Holly's thigh, drawing soothing patterns on the fabric with her thumb.

"What do you think this is to me? What do you think you are to me?" She tried, but she couldn't keep the tinge of accusation from her tone.

"I… I don't know. What do _you_ think I am to you?" It was fairly obvious what she was scared of, the different ways in which this could go wrong in the future. But the here and now? That was wide open. Comfortably so, maybe, but that wasn't enough.

"I… Fine. I don't know. I don't know what to call it, exactly." Gail admitted. "But Holly, I know that this… This is not something I'm doing lightly. This is not some spur of the moment thing. I'm very aware of the consequences of what we're doing and of my… responsibility." She watched Holly take a deep breath, letting her words sink in, and finding some reassurance in them, before she continued. "I mean, I get that you don't know how to do this exactly. I don't either. I just thought we would figure it out together."

 _Together_. That was all she needed to know. That Gail saw them as a unit, wanted to move forward as a unit.

"Sorry." She felt a little sheepish, a little guilty for letting her mind take her off track. For conjuring up a worst case scenario and getting lost in it, instead of just meeting it head on. For acting the way that has frustrated her so many times about Gail. But this time, at the right time, it was the blonde that came through. Maybe they did make quite a good team after all.

"So, what are we? _Dating? Girlfriends?_ "

 _Dating?_ No, that trivialised the meaning of it. Dating could stop at any moment, without much of a fight. That wasn't them. Holly would certainly put up a hell of a fight before she'd let Gail go. And by now, so would Gail. They both had already. _Girlfriends?_ She thought that was just incorrect. _Girlfriend_ kind of represented one stage on a scale of a relationship. And on that scale, Gail was Holly's _wife_. So no, not _girlfriend._ Not _wife_ either, though. While that would certainly be the legally accurate term, there was an emotional aspect to it, a depth and definiteness that Gail simply hadn't had the time to reach yet. _Significant other?_ Too lame. Too technical. Too bulky. _Lover?_ Too cheesy. And also, technically incorrect.

She remembered the inscription she had read on her wedding band. How she thought it just captured the essence of commitment with such clarity, with so much promise, yet without overly romantic and cheesy idealisation.

"How about… you are my plus one? And I am yours?" Holly smiled fondly at the term and the memory connected to it.

"I like that." She nodded.

"Yeah?" Gail bit her lip and Holly nodded again in response.

"Okay. So, can you please kiss me now?" Holly chuckled as she leaned in to press a brief but soft kiss to Gail's lips. Gail kept her eyes closed for some time after their lips disconnected, letting a smile spread slowly on her face. She wasn't sure if anyone saw. She didn't care either way.

"Thank you." Holly grinned as she replied. "Anytime."

"So, I know this is terrible timing, but I need to get going. I have a really early day tomorrow." The brunette scrunched up her face in apology as she checked her watch.

"Sure." She took a look at her beer and emptied it in one long swig, not giving Holly the chance to object. "I'm ready."

"Oh, but, you should stay! You don't have to miss out because I need to be a square tonight." She knew Gail had the next day off, and people were just starting to get into party mode.

"But I don't want to stay. I want to go home with you." She took Holly's hand in hers.

"Are you sure?" The brunette wanted to be certain. "Yes." Gail frowned. "Unless you don't want me to?" She loosened her grip on her hand but Holly was quick to hold on tight instead. "Of course I want you to."

They locked eyes for a moment and exchanged smiles before Gail got up, pulling Holly with her, looked around to find Dov approaching and handed him her empty bottle. "Holly has an early day tomorrow. Take care of this?" He shot her a bewildered look, ready to object, but took the bottle from her nevertheless.

She started towards Oliver, holding on firmly to Holly's hand. She stopped briefly mid-way, raising her hand while throwing a "Later losers, we're off!" into the crowd. Holly waved a little less halfheartedly as she said her goodbyes to everyone. If they didn't see them kiss before, all eyes were certainly on them now.

They stopped to say goodbye to Oliver in person, Gail hugging him first before she kept her hand firmly placed on the small of Holly's back when it was the brunette's turn to hug him goodbye. He spared them any comment, instead just looking back and forth between the two while smiling widely. "You girls have a good night."


	20. Chapter 20

_Finally, an update! Sorry for the long wait and thank you so much for sticking around (because, if you're reading this, you have ;-))!_

 _The truth is, I've been a little stuck lately. I've said in the beginning that I had the story all written out, essentially. And while that is still true, working on the details of the story and getting your feedback has inspired me to add a few scenes here and there, to add a few layers to the story. Also, the story needs a new ending – which will leave them in the same place, but take them there on a different path._

 _There are still a number of scenes waiting to be written, or to be fleshed out. So updates may continue to be slow, at times. But they will come, and the story will be finished._

 _I hope you enjoy this chapter. And whether you do, or you don't, I always love hearing from you!_

* * *

"Girls, come on in!" Carmen pulled them into a hug, first Holly, then Gail, and kissed each of them on the cheek. She lead them through to the kitchen, where Gail could feel the warm and humid draught come in through the open terrace doors.

"I've made lemonade, you want some?" She opened the fridge to take out the jug, the glasses already prepared for their arrival.

"In a minute. I'll give Gail the tour first?" Holly's mother gasped, more shocked at her own ignorance about Gail's situation than surprised with her daughter's suggestions to show a girl who had been here countless times before around the house. "Oh yes, of course. Sorry. Your father is in his reading room."

Holly nodded. "How is he doing?"

Carmen just sighed and shrugged, at a loss for what to say exactly. Gerald's recovery had gone slowly, more slowly than anyone had anticipated, and, most importantly, more slowly than Gerald expected of himself. His wife tried to be supportive, was supportive, but the more his frustration turned into self-pity, the harder she found it.

Holly showed her around the house, first the upstairs part, then the ground floor. Garald's reading room was their last stop. Carmen had never actually complained about her husband to Holly – or to anyone, for that matter. But Holly could read between the lines, of course. Could hear the frustration in her voice at times, the resignation. Could hear how her mother tried to brush off her father's at times irritating behaviour in her stories. And she could sympathise with her. Being here today, she was absolutely sure her father must have heard them come in. And she knew from experience that whatever he was doing, he used to drop everything to greet his girls whenever they came over. Not today, though.

He sat in his armchair, a book in his hand, his forehead shiny with sweat, a fan placed in the corner of the room, pointed at him.

"Hey dad." Holly walked over to him, bent down, and kissed him on the cheek, while Gail waved at him and sat down in the armchair across from him, picking up one of the books, more like a booklet, actually, that had been pulled out of the bookshelf, either waiting to be read next or having recently been read. _The Metamorphosis._

"Girls! Sorry, I didn't hear you come in." Holly smiled at him weakly and Gail knew she wasn't buying it. "Why are you sitting in here on such a lovely day?"

"Oh you know, dear, I don't handle the heat too well anymore." The brunette stopped herself from rolling her eyes.

"So sit in the shade. There's actually a bit of a draught, it's much more agreeable than it is in here." He huffed, clearly in no mood to be interrogated by his daughter like that. "Alright, _doctor_ , I will take that under advisement. Happy?" It was glaringly obvious that he knew how frustrated Holly was with him and how he tried to make light of it, tried to not let their exchange go completely downhill. And Holly, being the good daughter she was, and more importantly, being her father's daughter, did the same and replied with a weak smile, but a smile nonetheless. "For now. I'll join mom outside. She made lemonade. And I told her I'd help her in the garden."

She patted her dad on the shoulder and looked over to Gail, a silent question in her eyes. The blonde gave her a barely detectable shake of the head that stung for a moment, reminding Holly of that day at the station. That day she kissed Gail and then came back to 'lay eyes on her' and was harshly rejected by the cop. In retrospect it was stupid to come over. The whole station was up in arms. Of course Gail didn't have the time or the nerve to take care of a clingy and anxious lesbian. Either way, it only stung for a moment, because in the next, the blonde lightly caressed her forearm before tangling their hands together in a brief but meaningful gesture.

"I'll hang around here for a little while." She held up the book and quickly sought eye contact with Gerald, who indicated his permission. "I'll find you outside in a bit. Okay?"

"Sure." Holly already missed her touch but didn't initiate any more contact before she smiled at Gail, a real, honest smile this time, unlike the one her father got, and left the room.

She knew Gerald wouldn't be able to not comment, so her gaze met his immediately after Holly had disappeared behind the doorframe. It wasn't much of a surprise when she looked at expectant eyes and perked up eyebrows.

"So, it looks like you two have made progress?" He sounded half like a happy father (in law) and half like an observant therapist. Gail just shook her head.

"Oh no. We are not going to make this about me again." She let her gaze drop to the book in her hands but Gerald could see a smile tug at her lips.

She opened the book and flipped through the pages until she eventually opened it at the beginning of the story.

"'One morning, as Gregor Samsa was waking up from anxious dreams, he discovered that in bed he had been changed into a monstrous verminous bug.'" She looked up at Gerald, her eyebrows raised. "Jeez. You Stewarts are not for light reading, are you?" She focused her attention back on the book and continued reading, Gerald following suit as he reopened the book sitting in his lap.

After a while, Gail closed her book and sighed, gaining Gerald's attention.

"You know I need to ask, right?" She wasn't exactly looking forward to this conversation. But if anyone could have it with him, it would be her.

"Ask what?" She shot him a _cut the bullshit_ look but elaborated nevertheless.

"What the hell is going on with you?" Gerald stared at her, a blank look on his face. "You know you're not a monstrous verminous bug."

At that, he chuckled, finally showing some sort of reaction.

"I know that. Feels close enough, though." He shrugged.

"What happened to 'I know that I'll walk out here in a few days and I'll be fine'?" She tried not to sound too angry, but she was. She was angry, not just for Holly's sake, and for Carmen's sake, but also for her own. Back then, at the hospital, it sounded like a promise, and Gail had held on to that.

"Well, maybe I was wrong. I walked out of there and I wasn't back to normal. Sure, there's medication, and there's rehab, and maybe there are tiny hints of progress. I don't know. It's hard to see them. I may not have woken up a monstrous bug, but I feel like I woke up suddenly 15 years older. I wake up and take a shower and I have to sit down to rest for a bit. I go out to ride my bike and I'm afraid to go too far because I feel like I might not make it back. Did you know that last year, in October, I ran a half marathon? I'm useless around the house and I can see how Carmen tries. How she tries to be understanding, and supportive, how she tries to relieve me of the heavy duties. And I can't shake the feeling that she's disappointed in me, that deep down inside, she's like, _this is not what I effing signed up for_. So there. Maybe I was wrong." He shot her a defensive look before his gaze dropped down to his hands, clasped in his lap.

"You weren't wrong about me. I took your advice and I started living. And you know what? This living in the now thing is fucking exhausting. It's exhausting and it's scary. And so worth it." He looked back up at her and he saw it again, in her eyes. Love. She fought through the exhaustion and through the fear and what she got out of it was love.

"So what if you stumble? What if you have to take a break every now and then? Just fucking get out there and do your best to live. The rest is going to work itself out." She was silent for a moment, nodded to herself and got out of the chair to leave him to himself. Before she left the room, she turned back to him, adding "And if you tell anyone about this little mushy feelings pep talk, just remember that everyone in my family is police."

He chuckled again and saluted her before she walked out.

She found Holly and Carmen on the terrace, a glass of cold lemonade waiting for her.

"Well, we should get started at some point. Can you help me move the pots, Holly?" The two Stewart women got up and Gail followed suit.

"I can help you. What do you need?" They both turned around in surprise.

"It's fine Gail. Just sit and relax." Carmen said, motioning her to sit back down with the wave of a hand.

"No, but really, I want to help." Holly smirked at the blonde.

"Are you sure?" Gail nodded in response. "Well, since my dad hasn't gotten around to it, you could… mow the lawn?" Holly was bracing herself for her wife's annoyance or her disbelief at the suggestion, maybe an expletive or two, before she would eventually comply. But she just smiled and nodded eagerly. "Of course. I will do that."

She walked away, stopped dead after a few steps, and turned around. "Um. The lawn mower?"

"In the shed." Holly pointed to the little wooden garden shed out back and Gail gave her two thumbs up as she walked away.

"What was that?" Carmen asked as soon as Gail was out of earshot, looking at Holly in bewilderment. Her daughter just shrugged in response. "I have no idea."

They were almost done with their work. Gail had gotten most of the lawn by now, her shirt stained with sweat. She hated sweating. She hated any sort of physical exertion, apart from the one that happened naked. But she powered through. Why anyone would still work with a non-motorized lawn mower was beyond her. But anyway. Powering through.

Holly had helped her mother move the heavy pots with vegetables to a somewhat shadier place. The August sun had been getting a little too aggressive for the peppers and the tomatoes. They picked the ripe raspberries and blueberries. They turned over the soil around all the fruits and vegetables, mixing some mulch, or whatever that was, into the soil here and there. Carmen was now busying herself with the flowers while Holly had started raking up the cut grass after Gail.

"Girls." They didn't hear him the first time, so he tried a little louder. "Girls!" It didn't come out as strong and full as it used to, but he managed to make himself heard. They looked up at him standing on the terrace.

"You must be starving with all this hard work. How about I make us some sandwiches?" Carmen smiled at her husband.

"That would be great honey." She got up from her crouched position and shielded her eyes from the sun with her hand. "We should be done in about 15 minutes?" She glanced at her daughter who confirmed with a nod. "We'll see you inside then?"

"I was thinking we could eat out here. It's such a lovely day." Holly smiled to herself.

"Gail, Holly, could you put up the big parasol so that we can all sit in the shade?"

"Of course, dad." He nodded and went back inside to put himself to work in the kitchen.

They had finished up in the backyard, cleaned themselves up a little and sat down at the table, each of them a fresh glass of lemonade in hand. Gerald had insisted he didn't need any help with the sandwiches and had told them to just sit down and rest for a bit.

Carmen narrowed her eyes as she addressed Gail. "Are you _sure_ you don't want a beer?"

The blonde took an extra large gulp of lemonade to make her point. "No, really. This lemonade is delicious." Luckily the bemused look mother and daughter exchanged went unnoticed by Gail.

Gerald came out with three plates in his hand, putting one down in front of each of the women. "There you go, girls. I'll be back in a moment with the rest. You dig in."

Gail wanted to be polite and wait, but as Holly grabbed the sandwich from her plate and took a bite, so did she. She _was_ starving after all. She devoured two generous bites before noticing. She inspected her sandwich a little more closely. _Just power through,_ she told herself as Gerald came back outside with pickles, a bowl of chips and another smaller bowl of cheese puffs for Gail, and a plate of cut up tomatoes that he placed between himself and his wife. The thoughtful gestures only added to her conflicting emotions. If only she had said yes to the beer. She put together a game plan. She took a bite of pickle, then a bite of her sandwich, and followed it with a handful of cheese puffs. _Okay. This is going to work._

"Gail! What are you doing?!" Gerald exclaimed as he ripped the sandwich from her hands, having just taken a bite off of his.

"Wha… What am _I_ doing?" All three women looked at him in shock and surprise.

"This isn't your sandwich! I'm so sorry! Why didn't you say anything?" Now the whole situation was starting to make sense.

"Oh, I didn't mind. I thought…" She let the sentence hang in the air.

"I must have gotten the plates confused. I'm so sorry." He said as he rushed to swap out their plates.

"Don't worry" Gail tried to appease him.

"No, no. Here, this is yours."

"You really don't have to. I mean, I've already eaten like half of that. It's fine, really." He put her off.

"Don't be silly, Gail. I can't believe you were going to eat that." He shook his head at the blonde who was now feeling a little embarrassed with the fuss that was being made around her and also a little worried that Gerald might take this little mishap too much to heart, his self-confidence being a little shaken as it was.

"Well, it wasn't that bad, really. It was good. I… I liked it." Maybe Gerald was getting back to his old form a little too quickly for Gail's liking. He turned towards her, his eyebrows raised in expectation. "Well in that case, I'll go make another egg for you too!" He pretended to get up while the two brunettes grinned at Gail, waiting to see how the blonde would react.

"It wasn't _that_ good, Gerald." She quickly stuffed her mouth with cheese as the others chuckled.

But just as quickly as all eyes were one her, everyone focused their attention back on their plates again and Gail was thankful for it. Carmen reached over to pat her husband's forearm, slowly moving up to his hand and squeezing it lovingly. He brought her hand to his mouth and placed a soft kiss on top of it as Gail and Holly's eyes met and the brunette smiled at her in relief.

…

She reached over to take Gail's hand as she drove them back home. Back to her place.

"Thank you." The blonde looked at her and frowned.

"Of course. I wasn't going to let you two do all the work by yourselves." She shrugged as she started playing with Holly's fingers absentmindedly.

"Yeah, that too. But I was actually talking about my dad."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you must have said something. The right thing. So thank you." She let her head fall back into the headrest, trying to be casual about it.

"I just reminded him he wasn't a verminous bug." Holly let out a laugh. "What?"

Gail turned to look at the brunette. "It was from that book I flipped through. _The Metamorphosis._ ".

"Ah. Kafka." Holly nodded.

"Ah. Kafka." Gail repeated after her. "You say that as if it was obvious."

Holly laughed again, this warm and velvety laugh that always made Gail feel safe, that never made her feel laughed _at_. "No, it isn't really. Obvious. But my dad has always loved German literature, so I grew up around that stuff."

Gail nodded in understanding, as Holly could see in the corner of her eye.

Holly let a comfortable silence fall between them for a while, before she spoke up again.

"You don't have to suck up to my parents, you know? They already like you" Gail quickly sat up in the passenger seat as her head spun around to face Holly.

"What are you talking about?" She was appalled.

"I'm talking about the 'I'm happy to help', I'm talking about not complaining about the heat or the sweat or the fact that you were pushing that old-fashioned manual lawn mower around the yard. I'm talking about you being willing to eat an egg sandwich and passing on a cold beer in favour of lemonade. What was that?" The brunette had an amused smile on her face, but deep down she couldn't deny that she was a little mad.

"That was me being nice." Gail stated as if it were obvious, while she kept glaring at Holly.

" _Nice?_ Since when are you nice?" She chuckled.

"Come on. Do you really want me to believe that your parents, who are probably the nicest people on this planet, were over the moon about their daughter, another one of the nicest people on this planet, marrying anyone… _not… nice_? Do you really want me to believe that you preferred a cranky, bitchy, grumpy misanthrope over someone normal and nice?" That was it. The reason Holly was mad. The fact that Gail still couldn't see it, that she still didn't believe it. That she still didn't think she was good enough the way she was.

She hit the breaks suddenly, turned into one of the quieter side roads to the right with screeching tyres and stopped the car abruptly next to the curb before she turned forcefully to face Gail, who was staring at her in shock.

"Do you think you got a fucking personality transplant when we started dating?!" Gail was taken aback by the pent up anger in Holly's voice.

"I… What? I…" Holly took a deep breath and got her emotions and her voice back under control.

"Gail. I've known you to be a lot of things. A lot of good things. A lot of _great_ things. And _nice_ was never one of them. And I've also known you to be a lot of annoying and demanding things. I've known you to be cranky and bitchy and grumpy, I've known you to hate people, or to pretend to hate them, I've known you to be hard-headed and dismissive and a myriad of other things along those lines. And I've never actually found them demanding. I may have found them annoying at times, sure. Just like you used to find it annoying that I cut my Kiwis lengthwise and not across or that I get along well with most of the people I meet or that I always park the car in a different spot and you always end up looking for it. That kind of annoying, you know? But I've never loved you _in spite of_ all those things. I've always loved you for each and every little thing that you are. The whole package. And I wish you'd just get that into that thick head of yours." Her tone was stern but loving and she could see the hint of a smile play around the blonde's mouth, even though her eyes were still a little in shock.

She turned back to face the steering wheel and started the engine. Before driving off, she added, staring out the windshield. "Look. If you want to be _nice_ , be nice. If that is really who you are, who you feel like being, I won't say anything else about it. But don't do it because you think that you should. Don't do it because you think that you would have a year ago."

They had almost reached Holly's apartment when Gail finally spoke, eyeing Holly doubtfully. "Do you really cut your kiwis lengthwise?" There it was again, this warm laugh, bubbling out of Holly's mouth as she shook her head and rolled her eyes.

It was a few hours later when they had both taken a shower, slipped into something comfortable and settled in on the sofa. Holly sat on one end, a pile of forensics journals waiting on the armrest next to her. She had marked several articles remotely connected to her research that she had to catch up on. Gail had spread out on the other side of the sofa, her head resting on a heavy pillow and her feet buried underneath Holly.

The brunette would quote passages from the articles she was just reading to the blonde, as if she knew what she was talking about. And she pointed out articles that might be interesting for Gail to read. And the blonde complied, of course. Most of the articles were in fact interesting and she was surprised to find that, unless it got too scientific, she wasn't having as much trouble as she thought understanding all that forensic mumbo-jumbo. It _was_ exhausting, though. So she put away the journals after a while and picked up her phone instead.

She couldn't stop thinking about what Holly had said earlier. It wasn't the first time of course. Ever since the accident, Holly had repeatedly told her that she liked her, loved her for who she was, that she didn't need to try and live up to some version of herself she thought the people expected to see. But it was hard to believe, to really let it sink in. It was hard to unlearn what had been instilled in her for so many years. That she wasn't girlfriend material, that she wasn't worth the trouble, that she was a nuisance to whoever she was dating. It was hard to believe that someone like Holly would fall in love with someone like that. And hearing about it just wasn't enough. She had to see it with her own eyes. Bits and pieces of it at least.

So she opened her messaging history with Holly and scrolled back. Back past the first message she actually remembered sending to Holly. She hadn't dared to go there so far, but she thought now was a good time. She thought she was ready, thought it might help.

The first thing that struck her was that there was a seemingly endless and uninterrupted stream of messages, that they were constantly in contact. Kind of like they had been for the past weeks, months really, although that was nothing compared to what she found now.

What surprised her a little and at the same time not at all were the many _I love yous_ that were exchanged, and the fact that they weren't mostly initiated by Holly. Far from it. And the truth was, the part that was even more interesting were the comebacks to those _I love yous_. The most important thing she found though, was the thing she was searching for but didn't dare to hope find. Herself. She saw herself in all those messages. A happier, more content, more mature and more confident version of herself. But still, unmistakably, herself. And she found Holly, not thrown off one bit by her.

She didn't notice how much time had passed as she scrolled further and further back into the history of their relationship. The truth was, most of the time there was nothing of real substance in those messages. Just a lively back and forth between them, and she loved it, loved _them,_ fell in love with them.

"Finally. Last one." Holly sighed as she patted Gail's legs. With that, Gail started to scroll back down and re-read some of the passages she had already been through.

…

 _G: I love you._

 _H: What did you do?_

 _G: Asshole._

 _H: I love you too._

 _…_

 _G: Holly! I've run out of clean underwear!_

 _H: Okay? You can wear mine._

 _G: Why don't I have any clean underwear?_

 _H: Excuse me?_

 _G: You usually do the laundry._

 _H: Yeah well I've been busy lately._

 _G: …_

 _H: Don't give me that attitude, Gail. I'm not your fucking housekeeper._

 _G: I didn't say that._

 _G: Fine. I'll do my own laundry from now on._

 _H: While you're at it, you might want to try unloading the dishwasher or vacuuming, or cleaning the bathroom. Or go grocery shopping._

 _G: I thought grocery shopping was something we did together?_

 _G: Fine. Whatever._

 _G: Ok, so I did two loads of laundry, unloaded the dishwasher, vacuumed downstairs and cleaned our bathroom. I'm headed to the supermarket now. What do you want for dinner?_

 _H: How about I bring BBQ pizza and beer for dinner and we go grocery shopping tomorrow?_

 _G: If that's really what you want._

 _…_

 _H: I love you._

 _G: I know._

 _…_

 _G: Ugh._

 _H: What?_

 _G: People._

 _H: Mh. I love how specific you are._

 _G: People. I hate them._

 _H: Tell me something I don't already know._

 _G: People. Those that I hate. They have somehow gotten the idea that I care._

 _H: How dare they!_

 _G: Exactly!_

 _H: And tell me, what horrible burden has been placed on you?_

 _G: Plural, Holly._

 _H: Oh God. I'm gonna have to sit down for this then._

 _G: Har har._

 _G: Nick broke up with Juliet. Or rather, she broke up with him. And now he's moping. All around me. Chris is afraid he's never going to find love again. And Sam really wants to have a baby and so does Andy but she's just not there yet and OH MY FUCKING GOD!_

 _H: And they specifically sought you out to tell you all that?_

 _G: Yes! I'm telling you, Holly, they're all out to get me._

 _H: And you let them._

 _G: Wha…?_

 _H: You, Gail Peck, have gone soft._

 _G: Have not._

 _H: Have so. And they can smell it. Like wild animals that smell their opponents weakness._

 _G: Oh my God. You are right. They don't fear me anymore. And without fear, what have I got?_

 _G: They'll be all over me, Holly._

 _H: Hang in there. I will wait for you at home with tequila and beer._

 _G: And that is exactly why I'm marrying you._

 _H: Really? I thought you were marrying me for my perfect breasts and my big paycheck?_

 _G: Turns out you are a woman of many merits, Stewart._

 _…_

 _G: I love you._

 _H: I would hope so. A little late to call of the wedding now._

 _G: Well, I hear people have been left at the altar._

 _H: I hear the people leaving them there were idiots._

 _G: Do you love me too?_

 _H: I do._

 _G: Good. THOSE. EXACT. WORDS. You'll need them when you're up there in a few minutes. Alright?_

 _H: Uhm. What was it again? I… what? Oh, look, a butterfly._

 _G: Holly!_

 _H: I can't wait. *_

 _G: Okay. Gotta go. See you in a minute. *_

 _H: I love you too._

 _H: I do._

 _…_

 _G: Screw you, Holly!_

 _H: I'm sorry! So sorry! What can I do to make it up to you?_

 _G: Nothing. You can't. You won't ever be able to make this up to me._

 _H: Please?_

 _G: I don't know Holly! I don't know if you'll even get a chance to make it up to me. I don't know how I'm going to get from here to the station WITHOUT A DROP OF COFFEE!_

 _H: You'll find a way. I believe in you. I always have._

 _G: Ugh. Screw you. You coffee-stealing nerd!_

 _H: If you come to my lab I'll find a way to make it all better._

 _G: Be there in 15. Have coffee ready._

 _H: I was actually having something else in mind, but alright._

 _G: Oh I know. The coffee is just foreplay._

 _…_

 _G: I love you._

 _H: So we're having BBQ pizza again tonight?_

 _G: You know it. ^^_

 _…_

 _H: Sometimes I want to murder you._

 _G: What did I do?_

 _H: You know exactly what you did. Don't act all innocent._

 _G: It's not my fault you can't hold your liquor, doc._

 _H: It's cruel is what it is. Heartless._

 _G: What can I do?_

 _H: Save me._

 _G: You want me to pick you up from work? Take a few hours overtime?_

 _H: Can't. I've got this pile of bones on my table._

 _G: You want me to bring you coffee? Or food? Or gatorade?_

 _H: Can you just come over and keep me company?_

 _G: Of course. I'm on my way._

 _…_

 _H: I love you._

 _G: You should, I'm awesome._

 _H: And so humble._

 _G: Don't forget pretty._

 _H: Not at all grumpy._

 _G: Hey! I am a fucking delight!_

 _H: Yes dear._

 _G: I see marriage becomes you._

 _…_

 _G: Oh my God, can you see them?_

 _H: The beads of sweat gathering on is forehead? I could take my glasses off and I'd still see them._

 _G: And the way he keeps rubbing his hands on his pants._

 _H: If they're half as sweaty as his forehead I can see why._

 _H: Poor guy, he's so nervous. He's barely touched his food._

 _G: How quick can you duck?_

 _H: Huh?_

 _G: When he was 18, he had to tell our parents he had crashed their car. That they had explicitly prohibited him from using. The day he told them he was basically just a younger version of what you're seeing now. He was so nervous and scared he started projectile vomiting._

 _H: OH MY GOD!_

 _G: I'm telling you, Holly, be prepared. You're right in the flight lane._

 _H: I've kind of lost my appetite._

 _G: Pass the gravy? ;-)_

 _H: I don't even know why he's so nervous. I thought he was the golden boy? And they love Traci._

 _G: Yeah, maybe. But Peckspectations always make you fear for the worst, even the golden boy._

 _G: Plus, they don't love Traci like they love you._

 _H: Really? :-))_

 _G: I'm not sure that's a good thing, nerd._

 _H: Check out Traci. She's just as much of a wreck as your brother._

 _G: Why weren't you such a wreck when we told them?_

 _H: What, not enough projectile vomiting for you?_

 _G: I'm serious._

 _H: Because it didn't really matter. Their reaction wasn't going to change anything for us._

 _H: What about you? I remember you being cool as a cucumber. Eventually, at least._

 _G: Same._

 _G: And Holly?_

 _H: Gail?_

 _G: Don't use that expression again. It's lame._

 _H: Noted._

 _H: Is she even wearing the ring?_

 _G: I think she's got it in her purse somewhere._

 _H: I feel like I stole her engagement ring, somehow._

 _G: Don't be silly. I love Traci to death but no-one could wear this ring better than you do._

 _H: Oh, he's taking her hand._

 _G: He's pushing away his plate and taking a sip of wine._

 _H: He's clearing his throat._

 _H: Or is he coughing?_

 _H: Is he okay?_

 _H: Oh my God, is this how it starts?_

 _G: Relax, lunchbox. It just went down the wrong pipe._

 _G: Okay, here goes._

 _H: Showtime._

 _…_

 _G: I love you._

 _H: You're such a sap._

 _…_

 _G: Hey Lunchbox. You picking me up tonight after work?_

 _H: Yep. You wanna go to the Penny after?_

 _G: Nope. Home._

 _H: Bad day?_

 _G: Nope._

 _G: I just miss you._

 _H: Okay?_

 _G: Holly, how long has it been since we've had a night to ourselves?_

 _H: I don't even remember._

 _G: See? So I want you to take me home, where I will rip of all your clothes and spend all night making you come over and over and over again._

 _G: You're welcome to reciprocate, of course._

 _G: You blushing yet?_

 _H: I'm practically halfway out of my clothes already._

 _G: Well hold your horses, wifey. Just a few more hours to go._

 _H: Why are you torturing me so?_

 _H: Shit, I'm running a little late, sorry. You still want me to pick you up or am I going to meet you at home?_

 _H: I'm wearing really nice underwear btw. That red lacy one you like so much. Just a little something to keep you afloat until you can finally rip it off._

 _H: Earth to Gail?_

 _H: Gail?_

 _…_

That was the last exchange for a long while. It was dated November 7th.

Tears welled up in her eyes, but she managed to force them back down. She wasn't ready to talk to Holly about this and luckily the brunette was so engrossed in her article that she didn't take notice.

Once she had composed herself again, she poked Holly in the ribs with her toe. The brunette grabbed her foot in a quick movement and looked over at the blonde expectantly.

"My muscles are sore from pushing around that lawn mower." Gail pouted and Holly just laughed at her. "If I'm supposed to do that again, we're going to get a powered mower for your parents."

"Why would we do that when they already have one?" Holly couldn't suppress the evil grin as Gail jumped and pushed herself up on her knees, towering over the brunette.

"They what?!" Holly shrugged innocently. "It's in the garden shed right next to the other mower. I just thought… you know… you'll know what you're doing."

"Ow!" Holly exclaimed as the blonde punched her upper arm.

"You're evil, Holly. Evil!" She jumped over the back of the sofa and huffed as she made her way up the stairs. "I'm going to bed. Because you're evil." Holly was quick to follow, still chuckling as she entered the bedroom and was met with Gail's reproachful gaze that couldn't entirely hide her grin.


	21. Chapter 21

"You okay?" She patted her thigh under the table and regarded her with concern.

"Yes, of course." She smiled at her reassuringly.

"You sure?" The old Gail would have probably lost it about now, her patience running short, Holly's concern a little too condescending and the scrutiny she was under a little suffocating. But it was cute, really. Holly's concern. She was a bag of nerves, and it wasn't due to her impending minutes in the limelight. So she tried again, a little harder.

"Holly." She took her hand, still resting on her thigh, into hers. "The waiter just topped up my glass for the third time, even though it wasn't even empty yet. The food is amazing. The company is…" – she took a look around their table – "…not horrible. You look…" – she let her gaze drop, taking her time to check out the brunette – "… like _that_." Holly smirked. "I am perfect. And if things should go south, I still have the open bar as a last resort." She squeezed her hand and gave Holly an expectant look. The brunette nodded in surrender.

"Okay. Alright." She looked around, registering the movement in the room, and nervously let out a puff of air. Well, maybe at least some of the nerves were due to her impending minutes in the limelight.

"You know I'm going to talk about you." She looked back at Gail who was sitting to her right.

"Yeah, I know. We've been through your speech. Several times." Again, Holly nodded, still seeming a little uneasy.

"Jeez, Holly." She scolded, taking a more strident tone. "You are about to go up on stage and tell everyone in this room about the amazing and brilliant nerd that you are. I think I can handle being the hot genius' wife for the night." Holly's head spun around to face Gail, a cheeky grin creeping onto her lips.

"You think I'm hot?" Gail rolled her eyes. "I also said you were brilliant." She shook her head in mock disappointment, before she smirked and gave in. "And yeah, I think you're hot. Now go up there and rock the stage."

She finished her little pep talk just in time for Holly to be called up.

"As leader of the Forensic Pathology Service I am immensely proud to introduce our last speaker for tonight, and this year's recipient of the Rutherford Grant, Dr. Holly Stewart Peck." For a moment, the name threw her a little. Sure, she knew that they had both legally changed their names after they got married, but at work, usually, she was still just _Peck_ , and Holly was still just _Stewart._ She quickly recovered when she saw Holly turn around to face her, asking her a silent question. She leaned in and pressed a kiss to Holly's cheek before she joined in the applause that carried Holly up the stage.

It was the department's annual gala that reviewed the previous year's work, welcomed new additions to the department and bid farewell to those retiring or moving on to other positions. Most prominently, though, the gala honoured the department's outstanding individuals, Holly being this year's prime honouree. She watched Holly in amazement, stared, really, unable to tear her eyes away from the brunette. She didn't pay much attention to her speech. She had heard it numerous times at home. At Holly's place. When she was working on it, practising it, going through it with Gail to avoid spooking her on the actual day. Gail probably could have given the speech herself, so she enjoyed being able to just observe the woman on stage. Her confidence, her eloquence, the quickness and complexity of her thoughts, the way she managed to get them into order and present them in a transparent and captivating fashion with the greatest of ease. She took in the way she gestured while speaking, not wildly, not erratically, but with utmost deliberation, accentuating her speech, and how, in between, her hands came together and she played with the rings sitting on her left ring finger.

She brought her hands together, rubbing the empty spot where her wedding band used to be. They talked about that. They were sticking to the 'lost her ring at the gym' story. For now at least.

She watched how Holly chuckled in relief when one of her nerd jokes produced the desired reaction from the audience. And she knew that, at least a little bit, she also just chuckled at her own joke. She was a nerd herself after all. Her full lips, the soft curls falling around her neck, resting on her shoulders. The view of her cleavage, or rather the lack of a too obvious view, the _hint_ of a view, basically, that was very decent, very professional, yet at the same time very, _very_ , real and very tempting. _Her eyes, focus on her eyes._ She had to remind herself over and over again all night. So she did. And Holly's eyes met hers, sending a shiver through her whole body. Every single time. _Shit._ It was a vicious circle, really, because every time she landed on her eyes, her gaze started to travel along her cheekbone, down her jawbone, to her full, perfect lips, the curls, the cleavage. The cleavage. She swallowed heavily and took a sip of wine, hoping it would help her break out of the vicious circle. Then she heard it. Holly's speech was coming to an end.

"The last person, contributor, really, that I want to mention tonight is at the same time the most important one. My wife." A beat. Every single person in the room, it seemed, turned around to look at Gail. Her heart skipped a beat and so did Holly's. They were both prepared for the fact that it wouldn't only be Holly in the spotlight tonight, but this reaction they hadn't anticipated. And Gail sensed it, Holly's immediate worry for Gail, the immediate remorse at not having kept Gail out of it, protected her from it all. She found it amazing, really, how she could know someone she knew so little, so well. How with just the twitch of an eyebrow she knew exactly what Holly was feeling, what was going through her head. Granted, most of the time her feelings and thoughts revolved around Gail, so maybe that wasn't all too hard. But that was exactly the point now. _Everything_ was about her. All the time. She wouldn't let this be, too. She could feel the eyes on her, the adoring smiles and the commendatory nods. But her eyes remained fixated on Holly's. She smiled at her wife, a smile that reached every inch of her face, and nodded herself in acknowledgement, giving Holly the validation she needed to continue.

"My wife, who helped turn something that started as nothing more than a shrewd idea into a fully-fledged hypothesis. Who has carried me through the development of that hypothesis – and through everything that has happened after that – as a sounding board, contributing with her expertise and her unique and brilliant insight. Also, with her patience when I get frustrated, her biting wit and sarcasm when I am too full of myself, with a constant supply of coffee and a high degree of understanding towards me being a little sloppy with my household chores." Another joke that went down well with the crowd.

Of course, Holly was pushing it a little. Of course, her praise was mostly applicable to the time before Gail's accident. But it wasn't entirely untrue for the recent weeks either, and certainly one of the few occasions in which Gail thought it might not be the worst thing trying to live up to that part of her old self. Of Gail 2.0. Post-Holly, pre-accident.

During the preparations for the gala, they talked a lot about that time. About Holly's research and Gail's contribution to it. It started out as a prep-session for Gail, since it was to be assumed that a number of people would consult with her and want to discuss certain aspects of the research with her. After all, essentially, Holly's research was aiming at bridging the gap between forensics and police work. Hence Gail's involvement. But Gail quickly got engrossed in the subject matter, reviewing all the data collected so far and talking through Holly's – and their – entire thought process until she was sure she understood every aspect of it. Until they were no longer reviewing what had already happened but bouncing ideas off each other, raising new questions, considering new perspectives. It was a process that revealed to Gail not only how much Holly really valued her personal opinion and her sometimes somewhat unorthodox way of thinking, but how much she appreciated her professional input and her contributions both from a beat cop's and a detective's perspective.

Holly was accompanied off the stage with standing ovations. She really was a fucking superstar tonight. And if Gail hadn't known what a big deal that grant really was, she would know it now. Gail held Holly's hand all through the Chief Forensic Pathologist's final remarks, and when the floor was opened for mixing and mingling Holly quickly excused herself to the bathroom before anyone could draw her into a conversation.

She checked the stalls, all of them empty, until she reached the last one on the left. The lock went from red to green and Holly opened the door to exit, only to be pushed back into the stall by Gail, who locked the door again.

"Gail?" It was all Holly could mutter before she was pushed up against the wall and had Gail's lips on hers. Her kiss was a little sloppy, a little urgent, and Holly liked it. "Are you seriously feeling me up in a dirty bathroom?" Holly asked when Gail interrupted their kiss briefly for some air. The blonde looked around. "It's not dirty. This is a fancy place. And yes." She smirked and moved back into the brunette, kissing down her neck. "What if someone hears us?" She was almost too far gone to care. Almost. "There's no-one here." Gail mumbled into Holly's neck before she started sucking on her pulse point and Holly groaned. Suddenly, a toilet flushed. Gail's head shot up and they looked at each other, slightly panicked, but also just trying really hard not to burst out laughing. "Shit." Gail whispered. "I thought you said there was no-one here?" Holly's head fell back against the tiled wall. "I thought there wasn't."

Holly gave her an apologetic look and tipped her head, pointing towards the ballroom the gala was held in. "We should get back." Gail nodded in understanding. "Yeah. Just…" She pressed another lingering kiss on Holly's lips before backing away, fixing the brunette's lipstick and throwing her a blissful smile.

As was to be expected, they were in high demand once they entered the ballroom again. Every other person in the room, it seemed, wanted to get a few minutes with Holly and, more often than not, with the both of them. And they managed it really well, Gail thought. Not just Holly. They were a team. This time, Holly didn't have to take on the load for the both of them. Gail was her most charming self, answered every question directed at her with patience and wit. And when her opinion was no longer needed, she busied herself looking out for Holly. Getting her another drink or a glass of water, helping her out when she was stuck in an uncomfortable conversation and directing two researchers from university, that she knew Holly had sort of had an intellectual crush on, at the brunette. She did that for a few hours, until Holly noticed that Gail's energy for this sort of thing was running out. So she sent her off to the bar, despite Gail's protests. The stilted conversations had been had, and the rest would be a walk in the park, Holly reassured the blonde. And she would be lying if she said she wasn't grateful for the out.

She stood at the bar, a fresh glass of wine in her hand. She had stuck to water for the last few hours, wanting to keep a level head, so she thought she would treat herself to another drink.

"Oh, so this is where you've been hiding." Isabel sauntered towards the bar, ordering another glass for herself.

The blonde just huffed at her. "I'm telling you, it's only at a nerd convention like this that you can actually _hide out_ at the bar." Isabel laughed out loud before touching her glass to Gail's and settling in next to her at the bar.

She had always liked Gail. Maybe she was a little grumpy, maybe she was painfully blunt at times. But at least she wasn't fake. She did her job, and she respected theirs. And once you got on her good side, she was loyal to a fault. And she was head over heels with Holly, that had always been obvious.

"I've seen you mingle. Your cheeks must really hurt from all that smiling." She nudged Gail with her elbow.

"You have no idea. I don't know how she does it." Her gaze followed Holly walking from one conversation into the next.

"Well, first of all, she doesn't have that inherent aversion to smiling that you do." Gail looked at Isabel and rolled her eyes. "Also, she's really passionate about this research." Gail nodded. "Yeah, she is." "You could probably wake her at any time during the night and ask her about it and she would still answer every single one of your stupid questions with a patient smile on her face and this excited sparkle in her eyes." Gail chuckled. Isabel's description was exactly on point. "And, she had you here, taking care of her." Gail shot the fellow blonde a doubtful look. "Come on. As if I had anything to do with that." Isabel shot the same look right back. "As if you hadn't."

They stood in silence for a while, which gave Gail some more time to lay eyes on Holly. How she politely dealt with all the inquiries, how she mastered the smalltalk like a pro, how she remained completely calm throughout the whole ordeal. That had already impressed her during her mother's birthday party, and tonight Holly was the one in the spotlight, everyone wanting a piece of her. The jawbone, the curls, the cleavage. Now that the rest of her wasn't covered by the lectern, she was free to check her wife out in all her glory. How that dark grey etui dress hugged her form in all the right places and gave away just enough not to be tacky. Those toned and tan legs. The curve of her hips. The cleavage. _Seriously_. She felt like a horny teenager that couldn't stop thinking about all the things she wanted to do to Holly, with Holly, that couldn't stop staring at the brunette.

She was ripped from her daydream when the feeling that she was being watched was getting a little too intense. She turned to her right only to see Isabel with a wide, mischievous grin on her face. "What?" she threw at her, not managing to sound seriously annoyed.

"Nothing. It's just the way you look at her. It reminds me… of…" The blonde hesitated, gazing into the distance, contemplating how she wanted to end that sentence, while Gail eyed her impatiently and gestured to movie it along. "Of?"

She focused back on Gail, shrugging. "Of… the way you look at her."

She knew exactly what she was getting at. Unsure of what to say, she smiled at Isabel cautiously, almost thankfully. Isabel, too, didn't deem it necessary to add anything else, so they both turned their attention back to the ballroom.

"Oh no." Isabel whined, while Holly was passed on to yet another dialog partner.

"What is it?" Gail asked, not taking her eyes off Holly.

"Ugh, just that guy with Holly. He keeps making those sexist remarks, and hitting on Holly. Every single time. And he's just vague enough and has enough self-control to not be covered in harassment complaints. And well, he's Holly's boss' boss, he allocates the funds, so she can't just ignore him." Gail felt anger boiling up inside her. Anger and a weird feeling of possessiveness.

"I should go rescue her." Holly's colleague was taking off towards the pair when Gail held her back.

"No, I'll go." She downed the rest of her wine and started, only to stop in her tracks and turn back around.

"Uhm. What do I… need to know?" She supposed this wasn't the first time she was faced with Mr male entitlement, and she wanted to appear unflinching and confident. And she had to hand it to Isabel. She didn't make any kind of deal of the amnesia-related touch of insecurity but gave her a quick and concise answer.

"Wade. Wade Cooper. As you can imagine he's pretty much a red flag. He could use a reminder that Holly is married. And a lesbian. You always use what you call the Elaine technique?" Gail nodded. She could work with that.

She approached the two, a lovely smile plastered on her face. She placed her hands on Holly's shoulder from behind. "Sweety! There you are!" She beamed at the brunette, her hands slowly moving down her arms, her back, until her left hand remained firmly placed on her hip in a possessive gesture. She extended her right hand to the man Holly had been in conversation with. "Wade!" She sounded almost a little too excited and made a mental note to tone it down just the slightest bit. "Gail." He sounded a little less enthusiastic about her barging in, but she just let it roll off her shoulders. "How lovely to see you here. Have you heard Holly's speech? Isn't she just brilliant? You must be excited for the results of her research." He opened his mouth but Gail didn't let him get a word in edgewise. "I'm sure you two have a lot more to talk about but unfortunately, I have to hijack my wife. I'm so sorry. We need to get going, we have a _really_ early day tomorrow." She extended her hand again and he shook it, both puzzled and resigned. "It was a pleasure seeing you again, Wade. You take care of yourself." Holly could only throw a half-hearted wave and a "Bye" his way as Gail pulled her away and towards the cloak room.

"Thank you for saving me" Holly said as she playfully grinned at Gail and pressed a kiss on her shoulder. When the girl handed them their coats Gail turned towards Holly and eyed her contemplatively.

"What?" Gail shook her head and lost herself in her thoughts for a moment.

"Nothing, I just… I've got this image of you with a bottle of champagne in your hands and me wearing a… a fur… coat?" She scrunched up her nose.

Holly chuckled at the memory. "Yeah, that was…"

"Don't." The blonde interrupted her, placing her thumb on Holly's lips. "It'll come back to me." She had acquired a somewhat more calm attitude about her lost memories. She tried to, at least. And the happier she was with her current situation, the easier it became. She pulled her in for an lingering kiss and led her outside where they hailed a cab.

They were quiet on the way back home, both lost in thought. Holly was exhausted and happy. Happy the evening went well, happy people were really interested in her research, happy it was all over now. Mostly, she was happy Gail had been there with and for her. She knew that this wasn't Gail's thing, that she dreaded every part of occasions like these, but she made an effort, for Holly, without complaining, either explicitly or implicitly. Tonight, it felt like they belonged together again, and it felt like Gail felt it too.

Gail was focusing on staring out the window, so as to not stare at Holly, her features, her cheekbones, her lips, her neck, her cleavage. Her mind ran through all the things she wanted to do to Holly, over and over again, and she tried really hard to shake off her nervousness. _It's not like this is your first time,_ she told herself. _It isn't even your first time with Holly. Sure, you don't remember that, but didn't Holly talk about muscle memory once? This is going to be just like that. Right?_ She let out a puff of air, but Holly didn't notice. Or if she did, she didn't react to it.

Gail sat in the right back seat, Holly in the left. Between them, their hands were firmly intertwined the whole ride home.


	22. Chapter 22

_AUTHOR'S NOTE:_

 _Well, you've seen it coming. Time to justify that M rating. I don't know... Hope you enjoy._

 _(And thank you so so much for all the encouraging and inspiring reviews you've been leaving! You are the best!)_

* * *

When she entered the bedroom Holly was standing in front of the dresser, taking off her earrings. She came up behind her and her hands encircled her waist until they came to rest on her stomach, her warm body snug with Holly's. The brunette rested her hands on top of Gail's as she touched her temple to the blonde's and they locked eyes in the mirror. No-one said a word as they held each other's gaze for a long and intense while. Gail tore her eyes away from Holly, the Holly in the mirror, and focused on the Holly right in front of her, as she placed a lingering kiss just below her ear. She slowly started kissing down the side of Holly's neck until she reached the point where her collarbone met her shoulder and then made her way back up again as Holly sighed with pleasure, tilting her head to grant Gail better access.

She took half a step back, locking eyes with Holly through the mirror once again, before she focused her attention on the zipper on the back of Holly's dress. She pulled it down, painfully slowly, to reveal, little by little, the tan skin on Holly's back. Finally, the dress fell from Holly's hips and pooled around her ankles and the brunette was left standing there in her underwear. Red. Lacey. The sight made the knot in Gail's stomach tighten as a shiver went down her spine. She took another step back to take in the entire gloriousness of Holly's almost naked body. She traced her spine from the neck down to the well-defined curve of her butt with her fingers, her skin barely touching Holly's, before she moved in closer and crouched down. She placed a kiss on the small of her back and then retraced the path back up to her neck with her mouth. She took her time to caress Holly's skin with her lips, to taste it with her tongue, and to map out the rest of her back with her hands, committing every single shape Holly's body made to memory. The slant of her hipbones, the tiny dimples on her lower back, the point her back broadened at the onset of her ribcage, the ridges formed by her shoulder blades, and the way the muscles in her back contracted and released in reaction to Gail's touch. She finally reached Holly's neck again, patiently letting her lips caress the sensitive skin to the sound of Holly's gasps.

When she looked back up, she sought out Holly's eyes in the mirror again and held her gaze. The intensity with which Gail's eyes bored into hers mesmerised Holly and turned her on beyond all measure.

Again, she took a step back. Holly was about to turn around, eager to touch the blonde, but Gail kept her in place and shook her head no, her gaze still fixed on Holly. She undid the zipper of her own dress and let it fall down to the floor, stepping out of it as she approached Holly again and slowly, very slowly, brought her almost naked body in touch with Holly's while her hands, equally slowly, moved up the front of Holly's body. She pulled Holly in to increase contact and as her breasts pressed into Holly's back the brunette released all the air in her lungs as her eyes fluttered closed and she let her head drop back onto Gail's shoulders and turned towards the blonde to finally get a taste of her.

Their tongues were the first to touch and soon there was a wet mess of lips and tongues and teeth as they deepened the kiss. Holly reached behind her, placing her hand on Gail's hip and pulling her impossibly closer while Gail's hands were roaming Holly's body, discovering every inch of her torso with a patient and intense touch. Eventually she reached Holly's breasts, those breasts that had been occupying her mind all night, hidden away under that dress. She caressed them through the thin fabric, cupped them, felt their full weight in her hands, before she made her way underneath Holly's bra and teased the delicate skin around her nipples. Holly's breath quickened, as did Gail's, and their kisses got more sloppy as Holly's nipples hardened in Gail's fingers.

She moved her hand out of Holly's bra and down her stomach, feeling the reaction of the muscles in Holly's abdomen to her touch as she wandered on. She paused briefly before entering Holly's panties and her hand was immediately drawn toward the radiating heat. When she entered Holly's folds for just a brief moment, the touch sent a lightning bolt through both their bodies. It caused Holly to fall forward with a moan, having to steady herself on the dresser, while Gail followed her, uttering a raspy "Fuck" as she leaned on the brunette, overwhelmed by the feel of Holly's slick wetness.

Their eyes met in the mirror once more, the intensity hardly bearable at this point, both breathing heavily and barely able to keep their arousal in check. And then there it was. The tiny flicker of insecurity, almost fear, in Gail's eyes. There was no doubt in Holly's mind that Gail wanted this, but now that things were getting serious, she wasn't entirely sure how to proceed. So Holly took the reins. She pulled out Gail's hand from her panties, held it in hers and moved both their hands up to rest on her chest, where she rubbed her wetness between their hands, her eyes trained on Gail's at all times.

She turned around to face Gail, and this time, the blonde let her. Her right hand found Gail's face and she caressed her cheeks, let her thumb ghost over her lips and pushed it into her mouth just far enough to let Gail suck on it. Holly bit her lip, paused for a moment and regarded Gail with a smile. With so much happiness, and care and love and lust that Gail felt like her heart would burst her chest any moment now. She'd had plenty of time to understand the magnitude of Holly's feelings, to let the thought sink in, and to perceive it, to _feel_ it with every single one of her senses. But still, the notion hit her with all its force whenever she became aware of it, and it hit her even harder as she saw her own emotions reflected in it a little more each time.

 _You're sure about this?_ Holly was sure she was. Holly _knew_ she was. But still, the thought had been on her mind. As she opened her mouth to utter it, tough, she was immediately cut off by Gail who pulled her into an intense kiss. Holly was quick to react as she directed the blonde towards the bed. She opened the clasp of Gail's bra, pulled down the straps and let it drop to the floor before she let Gail fall onto the bed. She shed her own bra and panties, granting Gail the view of her naked body for a few moments, before she knelt down between the blonde's spread legs. She started just below her knee and slowly kissed her way up the inside of her thigh, hovering over Gail's sex, taking in her smell, before she slowly pulled down her panties and pressed a lingering kiss in the crook of her groin that made the blonde's breath hitch. She moved on up the blonde's torso, letting her tongue and lips and hands caress the ivory skin patiently. Gail's right hand was tangled in Holly's hair as soon as it came into reach. It wasn't long until she tightened her grip and pulled the brunette up to face her as gently as she could with how desperately she wanted her close, needed her close. She crashed her lips into Holly's, conveying all the longing, all the sexual energy that had pent up these past weeks and months between them with a rough and sloppy kiss.

Holly moved them both further up the bed without breaking the kiss and as she did, her thigh pressed up against Gail's core, which she knew was the blonde's undoing the moment it happened. The kiss got even more erratic, more desperate, the blonde's hands buried deeper in Holly's hair and her hips came off the mattress in desperate attempts to make contact with Holly's thigh again. She pulled back briefly to meet Gail's eyes and find the look she was expecting. She knew that look. This was the _no fucking around_ look. There would be no more teasing Gail, no ministrations on her perfect, firm breasts, no worshipping every inch of her body. Quick and dirty, that's what she needed, what she wanted. And she wanted it now. The rest could wait for later.

She steadied herself with one hand while the other travelled downward. Her fingers slipped through the wetness pooling between Gail's legs and Holly couldn't help but moan into Gail's mouth as the blonde reacted with a sharp intake of breath and bucked her hips. It wasn't until now that she was willing to admit fully to herself how much she had missed this. Had missed touching Gail like this, had missed the feel of her naked body, had missed everything about making the blonde come undone. Her fingers moved up to find Gail's clit and started drawing slow patterns around it, stimulating it, slowly increasing the pressure, slowly picking up the pace, while Gail's hips were still looking to push into her. The blonde had broken the kiss, unable to focus on anything but Holly's hand between her legs. She still had one hand tangled in Holly's hair while the other had wandered down to the small of Holly's back, trying to push her body into hers in another desperate attempt to increase contact. Her lips left wet kisses on Holly's neck, her tongue teasing the sensitive skin repeatedly, until teeth came into play, biting down on the wet skin, grazing it impatiently.

Of course, Holly couldn't help herself but tease the blonde at least a little. Whenever she felt like Gail was coming too close to the edge, she removed her fingers from her sensitive bud, pulling them through the slick hot wetness instead, teasing her entrance, before she focused back on the swollen bundle of nerves. She did that once. Twice. The third time, Gail bit down hard before growling into her ear. "For fuck's sake Holly, please!" The brunette grinned and complied with the blonde's plea. She pushed her body flush into Gail's and intensified her touch, matching the rhythm set by Gail's hips, earning a deep groan from the blonde before her breath hitched, her body spasmed and her throat produced the most delightful noises as she drew out her orgasm as long as she possibly could.

She left her hand resting between Gail's legs and waited for the blonde to recover and catch her breath. Gail bit down lightly on the by now slightly sore spot on Holly's neck before smoothing over it with her tongue and kissing it softly.

"Fuck." She whispered in Holly's ear. "That was… wow… Fuck. Thank you."

She pulled back a little and turned her head to face Gail, chuckling. "You are very welcome." Their lips met and they kissed gently, patiently, until Gail suddenly flipped them around so that a squeaking Holly ended up underneath her.

"Now." She hushed. "My turn. To reciprocate." She kissed Holly once again before moving down to her breasts, leaving soft kisses around the areola of her left breast before moving on to the right one and doing the same. She added her tongue, moving it in circles around her nipple, irritatingly slowly, before her warm mouth enveloped the hardened nipple.

She loved the way Holly's breath picked up its pace, how she sighed with pleasure, how her body was wringing underneath her. Holly's right hand was playing with Gail's hair, softly touching the blonde's cheek, her neck, while her left hand pressed up against the headboard above her head. Gail's left arm was buried underneath Holly's body, holding her close, as her free hand roamed all over the brunette's body, her mouth still not ready to let go of the erect nipple. She was torn between wanting to explore the entirety of Holly's body now that she had her here in all her glorious nakedness and wanting to do to her what she had just done to the blonde. It was the pull of the brunette's hot wet centre that won, for now.

She released the hard nipple and moved back up to face Holly, wanting her close, needing to be aware of her reaction at all times. Her fingers entered Holly's soaked folds and started exploring her, as the brunette's eyes rolled back at the touch and she could feel her shiver in anticipation. She made her way up and down the walls of her swollen lips, teasing her clit until she came to a stop at Holly's entrance, dipping into it just the slightest bit. A groan escaped Holly's throat and her eyes bore into Gail's intensely, leaving no doubt as to what she wanted, and how much she wanted it. No doubt that she was just as desperate for release as Gail had been.

She entered her with one finger and immediately the brunette ground down on her, her breath hitching, her nails digging into Gail's back. She started moving her hand, setting a slow rhythm that Holly tried to speed up, but Gail remained steadfast. She pulled out completely and when she entered her again, she added another finger. "Fuuuuck." Holly growled. She pushed into her deeper, harder, as she gave in to Holly's rhythm, increasing the pace of her thrusts as the brunette's breathing quickened and the heel of her hand pressed against her clit with every thrust. She felt the wetness pool between her own legs again as she revelled in the feeling of being buried deep inside of Holly, the brunette pushing further, grinding down harder to feel more of her.

The brunette's head was bent back, her eyes half closed, but Gail kept her in close sight as her hot breath grazed Holly's cheeks. "You are so fucking wet." It escaped in a whisper, Gail even surprising herself. It made Holly find Gail's gaze once more, her right hand coming up to pull at Gail's jaw, opening her mouth and pushing into it, her tongue, her fingers, filling her mouth with herself the same way Gail's fingers were filling her. She increased the pace of her thrusts once more, pushing deeper into Holly still and curling her fingers up inside her as the brunette's hips flew off the mattress, pressing against Gail's hand in increasingly erratic movements while she moaned into the blonde's mouth as she tumbled over the edge.

She rested her forehead against Holly's while she came down from the high and tried to catch her breath, letting out a contented sigh and shivering with pleasure when Gail removed her fingers carefully. She waited for Holly's breathing to normalise before she found her lips again, kissing her tenderly, patiently, her body moulded tightly into Holly's. After a while, she tasted salt on Holly's lips and broke the kiss to see a few tears making their way down Holly's cheeks. She quickly moved off the brunette, positioning herself next to her and Holly covered her face with her hands. "Holly, what…?"

"Shit. I'm so sorry." She snivelled and wiped the tears from her cheeks, laughing at herself in embarrassment. "I swear, I normally don't do this. Cry during sex. Or after. Really." She finally managed to meet Gail's eyes, for a moment at least. "I'm so sorry. This is so embarrassing."

"What happened? Did I do something…" Things had been going well so far, she thought. But Holly's reaction let her insecurities resurface instantly.

"No, Gail. No. _God_ no." The brunette immediately appeased Gail while she pushed herself up on her elbow to turn towards her. She reached out for Gail's hand, threading their fingers together and leaning in for a reassuring kiss. "Nothing happened. Or, _everything_ happened, maybe. But… Only good things." She nodded as her eyes bore into Gail, who bit her lip and still had a doubtful look on her face.

"Are you sure?" Holly chuckled at the question. "Yes. Yes Gail, I am very sure. I mean… Were you here… just… now? Seriously Gail." The blonde started nodding slowly, still not entirely convinced.

"It's just… I…" Holly averted her eyes, knowing she had to tell Gail in order to silence her doubts but still feeling a little embarrassed to admit the reason for her tears. "I really missed this." She released a puff of air, chuckling at herself once more before she met Gail's gaze again. "Like, I really, _really_ missed this."

As she came undone in Gail's arms, feeling her buried deep inside of her, the touch of her skin burning on her own, she was completely overwhelmed by the rush of emotions flooding every part of her. This surely wasn't the best sex they've ever had. It was far from being the worst either, though. Well, in all honesty, on a scale of _meh_ to _earth-shattering_ , the worst sex they'd ever would probably range at _amazing_. Still, what happened tonight was certainly way beyond that scale. It was their first time, and as such, it felt new and exciting and like conquering previously undiscovered territory. And at the same time it wasn't. It was their umpteenth time, and it had all the intimacy and the emotion and the intensity that came with that. And then there was that whole other level, that wasn't just sex, or making love, or whatever you want to call it. It was so much more than any word you could put on it. It was a step, a leap. It was moving forward. Gail was hers, and she was Gail's. Gail _let herself_ be Holly's, and she _made_ Holly hers. So no, this wasn't the best sex they'd ever had. But it was certainly the most meaningful one.

She worried her lower lip between her teeth while the blonde's lips curled up in a smile. She untangled her hand from Holly's and brought both her hands up to frame Holly's face while she regarded her happily. "You have no idea how happy I am to hear that." She pulled her down and kissed her before they both came to rest on their sides, facing each other.

They laid like that for a long while, patiently regarding each other, exchanging warm smiles, tracing the contours of the other's face. For a brief moment, Holly looked like she wanted to say something, her lips almost parting. Almost. It had happened before. Several times, in fact. Gail always noticed and Holly's lips never actually parted. And Gail, in turn, never commented.

She brought her hand up to caress Holly's face. Her eyebrows, her cheekbone, her jawbone, her full lips, the back of her nose. She took her time letting her fingers wander slowly, gently.

And then, she finally did comment.

"You can say it, you know? It's okay if you want to." She nodded her head to emphasise her words.

A brief silence fell between them.

"I love you." It was so simple, yet it bore the emotion of all those times she hadn't said it, all those times she was on the verge of saying it but held back at the last second. It did slip out a few times, of course, in different form. Talking _about_ loving Gail. But she never addressed her directly. Not since that day that was one of the absolute low points of their past nine months or so. That day that Gail walked out of her apartment and out of her life, out of _their_ life, and she was hurting so much that it didn't matter whether the words were appropriate, or too overwhelming, or spoken in vain.

Gail regarded Holly for a long while, the hint of a smile on her lips. But what was more important was transported through her eyes. There was calm. Serenity. A look that told Holly that she wasn't ready to say it back yet, and that that was okay.

She leaned in to kiss Holly patiently, their lips revelling in each other's touch, their tongues doing an intimate dance, finding a common rhythm. None of them fighting for dominance.

Until they did. Until it was Holly that intensified the kiss this time, positioning herself on top of Gail and taking her sweet time to worship every inch of her wife's body, leaving her touch, her kisses everywhere, leaving Gail with goosebumps and more wetness between her legs.

This time it was her tongue that ran through the expanse of Gail's wet folds, painstakingly slowly, again and again, accompanied by a chain of expletives falling from Gail's mouth. She eventually narrowed in on the blonde's clit again, putting her lips around it, gently sucking, drawing patterns across it, around it, with her tongue. Gail was pushing her hips into Holly, looking for release. But the brunette was the one in charge now, placing her hands on her hipbones to keep her steady – much to the blonde's frustration, of course, while at the same time only fuelling her desire further. When she had the blonde where she wanted her, she added two fingers, slipping inside her easily, curling up to find her sensitive spot and working in time with her mouth to drive Gail completely mad and make her come. And come. And come, screaming out her pleasure, the orgasm ripping through her like a force of nature.

It took her a long time to come down and stop twitching, a long time to get her breathing under control, a long time during which Holly watched her in blissful bemusement. Finally the blonde sat up and reached for Holly's nightstand, grateful that the brunette always brought up a glass of water from the kitchen when she went to bed. After draining half of it, she looked at the brunette. "Well. You definitely have to show me how to do this to you."

Holly just laughed at her. "I think you'll manage just fine on your own, Gail."

"Yeah?" She asked as she straddled Holly. "Yeah." Holly nodded and threw her an intense look. The blonde leaned down and captured Holly's lips. After a while, the brunette started moving her hips up rhythmically, rocking into Gail gently. She wasn't done for the night yet and Gail grinned into her lips before sitting back up. The blonde was just on the verge of moving further down, when Holly held her hips in place. "No." She spoke softly. "Stay."

She spread her legs a little, still keeping Gail's hips in place, and started grinding up into Gail again, in slow circular movements, their sensitive clits rubbing against each other. She captured the blonde's gaze and the other woman held it. Just like she had when she initiated all of this. When her eyes bore into Holly's through the mirror. Just that now there was no middle man. It was just her and Holly. She started moving her hips, matching Holly's pace and her fingers with Holly's as their hands firmly stayed on her hips. They quickened their pace, Gail taking the reins now, their eyes still locked, their ragged breaths and moans telling the other they were both getting close.

"Fuck, Gail, fuck, I'm really…" She didn't get to finish as Gail sent her over the edge with two intense thrusts, the sound and sight of the brunette coming undone underneath her tipping the blonde over the edge as well. They rode out their orgasms together, their eyes never losing the other's, until Gail finally collapsed on top of Holly, the brunette wrapping her arms around her and peppering her shoulder with kisses. They laid like this for a long while until Gail turned her head, speaking softly into Holly's ear, the silken texture of her voice sending shivers down Holly's spine.

"I'm so tired, Holly." Her weak admission was met with a chuckle. "I'm not surprised."

She playfully bit down on the same spot she had latched on to earlier, causing Holly to hiss at the mix between pleasure and pain. "Aren't you? Tired?"

"Drained. Let's sleep." She nodded, as did Gail.

The blonde only moved half off of the other woman, most of her body still sprawled across Holly's, and pulled up the sheet to cover their naked bodies, settling in to sleep.

"Holly?"

"Yes?"

"Can we continue this tomorrow?"

"You bet."

"Okay."


	23. Chapter 23

She was sitting at the kitchen counter, eating her cereal and checking her private email, when Gail sauntered into the kitchen already fully dressed for work. She had already wondered what Gail was doing up there for so long. Usually, her first trip was to the coffee maker, after which she took her sweet time making out with Holly, which more often than not ended in a very satisfying start into the day, before she hopped into the shower (that is, if they weren't combining sexy times with showering) and got ready for work.

It had taken a long time (unusually long for the Gail that she knew) for them to have sex for the first time after Gail's accident. But after that line had been crossed once… well, let's just say, they were quickly making up for all the orgasms they didn't have during the previous 9 months or so. At times, Holly was shaking her head at herself, at the both of them really, going at it like horny teenagers, anywhere and everywhere. And it was absolutely glorious. It brought a levity to their relationship that was welcomed by both, while it intensified their bond with every time they moaned with pleasure, every time they touched each other in the most private places, every time they came undone to the other person's rhythm, in each other's arms.

She poured herself a cup of coffee, keeping her back turned to Holly.

"Hey, good morning." Her voice was soft and Gail replied with a mere grunt.

"Did you sleep okay?" Holly enquired further, sensing the tension in the air, unable to pinpoint it.

"What do you think?" Gail spat, turning around and glaring at Holly. The brunette raised her arms in a defensive gesture. "What did I do?" She did a quick mental retake of everything that happened ever since they went to bed last night, when things were still very much in order. She couldn't see anything that might have gone wrong.

"I don't know!" Gail answered in frustration and Holly gave her a questioning look.

"I'm just mad at you." Gail admitted, crossing her arms in front of her chest and looking at Holly, upset yet somewhat sheepish at this point.

"Mad about what?" Holly closed her laptop and focused her full attention on Gail.

"About..." she took a deep breath. "About something you did in my dream." Holly had to chuckle at Gail's admission and even Gail couldn't suppress an embarrassed grin.

"Ok. I... I don't really know how to apologise for that."

Gail huffed.

"So... What did I do in your dream?" Gail rolled her eyes. She knew this was stupid. She knew it was just a stupid dream and she should just let it go, which is why she tried to deflect initially. But she woke up in a foul mood and just couldn't shake it.

"We were out drinking with your friends. You were at the bar with some other girl. I think she looked a little like your friend Lisa." Gail hadn't met all of Holly's friends yet and she particularly steered clear of Lisa. In fact, Holly wasn't exactly sure whether she even still considered Lisa a friend. They did meet her at the movies one night though. Fortunately, Lisa had been on a date so she dialled down the trash talk and kept their encounter brief.

"Anyway, you were talking about how I was uncomplicated and _simple_ , and how we would never last anyway, and about how you were just having fun. It's stupid, I know." The blonde scrunched up her face in apology and Holly sighed dejectedly. Of all the things she could remember...

"Ok, Gail. Before we have this argument..."

"What? No. I'm not trying to argue with you." She _was_ grumpy, and she knew she would hold on to that grumpiness for another while, but she also knew that it was unfounded and certainly no reason to waste time and energy on an argument.

"Oh trust me, but you will." Holly corrected her. "So before we have this argument, I want you to promise me that you will come tonight."

"Huh? What does this have to do with tonight?" Rachel was having a barbecue that night for her birthday. It would be the first time that they got together with the whole bunch of Holly's friends from college and med school after Gail's accident. Holly was just glad that Lisa was vacationing with said date and thus wouldn't be there.

"Just... Promise me. Please?"

"Sure, I promise I'll be there." Gail didn't know what the big deal was. Yes, she was a little nervous about tonight, but she didn't want Holly to see that. She knew how important this was for Holly. So she kept reminding herself that she must have spent countless nights with those people already, even though she might not remember them. But they were Holly's friends and so, by extension, Gail's friends as well. Just like Oliver and Traci and Chloe and all the others were Holly's friends too. Right?

"Good." Holly nodded. "So this dream of yours. That... It wasn't a dream. It was a memory." She kept nodding and braced herself for Gail's reaction.

First, there was a surprised "Oh!", followed by a beat. Then, in the fraction of a second, Gail's eyes hardened and her features turned from surprised to upset. "Oh." She repeated.

"Look Gail, that was..." Holly wanted to get ahead of all the doubts and accusations and misunderstandings that might follow, but she was interrupted by Gail.

"Oh, so I wasn't too far off with my doubts about the doctor and the beat cop."

"What? No, Gail, I never..."

"But what do you know? I'm no longer a beat cop, am I? So is that why my mother finally backed off about me making detective? Because she knew you would be doing the job for her? That does explain why you two get along so well."

"No, Gail! You do know that's _ridiculous_ , right?!"

"But that is what you said! That you were out of my league."

Their exchange had turned into a fighting match at this point. Gail was reliving the whole situation, all the pain that it caused, as if it was yesterday, and Holly was desperate to find words that would make Gail pause for a moment and actually _hear_ her. She sensed that her efforts would be unsuccessful.

"No, I never said that! That was Lisa! I didn't..."

"Oh well but you didn't correct her, did you? You just let her say all those things about me and did nothing! Instead, you even encouraged her by saying we were just having fun!"

"Lisa has always been an elitist bitch. There was no point…"

Holly tried really hard to calm her voice a little, to pull this conversation onto a somewhat more reasonable level. She had gotten up from her stool and rounded the kitchen island, trying to take Gail's hand, but the blonde just shrugged it back aggressively.

"If she's an elitist bitch, what does that say about you, you being her friend and all?"

"Gail, that's not fair. You know I..."

"I mean, I don't even know why I'm so upset. I guess I should be glad that at least I was considered _gorgeous_ , just good enough to have fun with, right?"

"That's not..."

"Oh no, wait. I think that, too, was Lisa. Who said that I was gorgeous. So, sorry for putting those words in your mouth."

Holly went back to shouting, now even louder than before, being increasingly frustrated with Gail constantly cutting her short.

"Gail, if you would just stop interrupting me and let me finish, then maybe I could explain..."

"Could you? Explain that to me? You think you can dumb it down enough for me to understand?"

Holly just shook her head dejectedly. _This is going to end just like the first time around, by Gail walking out._ And it did.

"Well what do you know? You were right. I _would_ actually be arguing with you about this. But I guess I should have known you were. I mean, after all, you _are_ a doctor. Right?"

She made her way towards the door, grabbing her leather bag in passing, and exited briskly.

...

When she walked back into the bedroom, she expected the blonde to be passed out already, so she was surprised to see her sitting on the bed, seeming completely sobered up all of a sudden. She gave her a tight-lipped smile and a "Hey" before walking over to the bed, sitting down on the edge of the mattress on her side and checking her phone, making sure the alarms were off. After all she planned to make the most of her opportunity to sleep in tomorrow. They hadn't spoken a word on the way back. Of course she was taken aback by Gail's behaviour. Of course she couldn't help but feel hurt. Of course, under normal circumstances, she would have long given Gail a piece of her mind. Well, truth be told, under normal circumstances they would never get into a situation like this. Anyway, she tried her best not to. She tried her best to act normal. She could tell Gail felt horrible about the way she behaved as it was, and she didn't want to push too hard by taking the same line and adding to her dilemma. Not tonight.

"Holly, this isn't working." Gail's voice was soft, almost soothing. Holly closed her eyes and released the breath she had been holding. She started shaking her head and turned around slowly, challenging Gail with a pleading look, her eyes welling up with tears. She couldn't be doing this. She thought they had come so far. She couldn't let Gail give up now. She couldn't let that one stupid situation, that one wrong decision, sabotage their relationship. Twice! She had just wanted Lisa to shut up. She knew that contradicting her, discussing this with her, would not get them anywhere. She thought she'd just let her believe that she was right, because honestly, it didn't matter to her what she thought. Because Holly knew better. Because she thought Gail knew better. And because that was all that mattered to her.

"Gail. Please don't..." She tried her best to steady her voice.

"No, Holly." Gail interrupted her, firmly. "Just... No. We can't do this. _You_ can't do this." She gave her this apologetic and sympathetic look that caused the tears to fall. "I behaved like an ass tonight. I know it and you know it! Everyone who was there, all of your friends, know it! I mean, it's a pity really, that Lisa couldn't be there. Because she certainly would have told you as much!" Gail quickly got worked up about it and Holly tried to play it down.

"Gail, please don't. I get it. It's fine. It really..." Again, Gail cut in.

"No. It's not fine Holly! It's not fair! You can't keep handling me with kid gloves! You can't keep letting me get away with pulling crap like that! I thought we were in this together." She paused for a moment, giving Holly a stern look. "You should get to expect things from me! You should get to be upset and tell me off and shout at me when I screw up! No more special treatment. Okay?" She stared at Holly insistently until the brunette nodded and replied with a whispered "Okay". Holly had her eyes fixed down on the sheets, trying to hide the tears that were still falling. Now, though, they were tears of relief, happy tears even, seeing as Gail was not giving up. Not at all. But Gail wasn't done yet either. She reached for Holly's chin, pulling her head up softly, urging Holly to meet her expectant gaze.

"So?" Gail arched her eyebrows in question, and when Holly gave her a look that said _Please, don't make me do this_ , Gail elaborated. "You need to do this Holly. Talk to me."

"I... Alright. Look, I know that remembering that night at the bar this morning..." she started hesitantly, and, yet again, was cut off by Gail.

"Holly, this is about what happened tonight. You're supposed to be angry! What you're doing is apologising – or, at best, justifying my behaviour. Try again." Holly rolled her teary eyes and took a deep breath before starting again.

"Fine. I get that I didn't exactly handle Lisa very well that night at the bar." Gail was opening her mouth again, ready to scold Holly once again, but this time, Holly held her ground and with the raise of a hand nipped Gail's attempt in the bud. "I'm talking now. And you're going to listen. I didn't handle the situation well at the bar that night. I should have defended you, defended us. I should have told Lisa to go to hell. I shouldn't have given you the feeling that the worst things you thought about yourself could in any sort of remote way be what I thought about you. Yes, we were having fun. But, Gail, it has always been more than just fun with you. And I should have made you see that. I understand why you were upset. Back then and now." Holly took a deep breath, preparing for what was to come. Being square with Gail still didn't come easy for her.

"But. When you're angry with me, you fight with me. With _me!_ You confront me with it and we have it out until we get to some sort of satisfactory solution. You shout at me if you have to and I'll shout back if I need to. And if you need a little space to cool off then you take that space. What you don't do is take that fight to a party and keep insulting me in front of everyone!"

As promised, Gail came to the party, and Holly was relieved at first. Sure, she was distant, that was to be expected. She wasn't exactly participating actively in the conversation, but even that wasn't unusual. But after a couple of drinks she loosened up, and she did speak up. Dealing out insults and snide remarks directed at Holly and Rachel, who she remembered being there that night as well. At first, her comments were so well concealed, that most party guests didn't even notice. Later, they thought they were all made in good fun. After all, Gail was known for her sarcasm and her self-deprecating humour and for sometimes taking a joke a nudge too far – nothing for the faint of heart, for sure. But of course, she didn't stop there.

"The things you said to me? About me? They were so far out of line, I don't even know where to start. And they sure did their job. I'm pretty certain that even in the heat of the moment, even in your state of increasing drunkenness, you chose your words carefully. You knew they'd hit home. And when you were done with that, you just shoved me away and ran off to get drunk with the others by the pool. You treated me like crap. Literally _everyone_ spent the rest of the night looking at me with those sympathetic puppy-dog eyes. It... It hurt. Okay? It hurt. It was uncalled for and childish and hurtful. And it scared me. It scared me, because... because it made me feel like you wanted to be anywhere but with me. It made me feel like I was losing you. Again." Holly added that last part quietly and reluctantly. She knew the effect it would have on Gail, and she really didn't want to put that on her. But Gail asked her for honesty and openness, so she decided to give it to her. Of course, Gail's glassy eyes let regret creep up inside of her. Until Gail, after a few moments of silence, slowly moved closer to Holly, straddling her and very gently wiping the angry tears from Holly's cheek while her own ran down her cheeks.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Holly. I know I could have handled that whole situation differently. I _should_ have handled it differently." Her tongue popped out to moisten her lips and give her another moment to collect her thoughts. "That memory coming back this morning, it... it made me feel really insecure and I reacted in a panic. I mean, that's how everyone I've ever dated saw me, eventually. That I was fun and hot and exciting, but, in the end, not worthy or capable of actual commitment, of anything serious, steady. And of course I've always been the ice queen and have acted like I didn't care about that, but that doesn't mean that it didn't hurt. Not the individual situations so much as the general notion." Her gaze had dropped down to her hands that were playing with the hem of Holly's shirt while she was talking in barely a whisper about that deep-seated fear that, of course, Holly was well aware of. She shook her head at herself, sniffled and wiped the tears from her own face before her eyes met Holly's again. She continued, her voice more powerful this time. "And I know that you married me, and that you _probably_ didn't do that because I was just fun and easy. But as much as I tried, I just couldn't get that thought out of my head, that _what if_? What if you actually did think those things, even if it was jut for a brief moment? Even if you changed your mind, eventually? It felt like a punch to the gut. From the Hulk. Using a wrecking ball." A quiet chuckle escaped Holly's throat and Gail smiled at her weakly. "And I just… I couldn't pull myself out of that thought spiral, so I did the only thing I knew how. Dealing out blows left and right. It was a knee-jerk reaction. Emphasis on the _jerk_. You don't deserve to _ever_ be talked to like that, by anyone, in any circumstances. You don't deserve to ever be cast aside like that. You can't let me do that to you. _Especially_ me." Holly received a stern look from Gail. "I'm really, _really_ sorry. I'm so sorry that I hurt you. And I'm sorry I embarrassed you. And I promise that something like this is not going to happen again, _ever_. Can you forgive me? Please?" Holly smiled at Gail, more openly this time, and placed a several soft pecks on Gail's lips.

"Of course, Gail." The blonde nodded and whispered a _thank you_ before pressing her lips to Holly's again.

When she pulled back she regarded her thoughtfully for a while. She rested her hand on Holly's chest, watched the rise and fall of her fingers in the rhythm of Holly's breathing, and then caught Holly's eyes again. What pained her even more, more than knowing how much she had hurt Holly tonight, was Holly's look just a few minutes ago, when she turned to look at Gail. Because she knew what was going through Holly's mind in that moment. She knew that the brunette thought that this was Gail ending things with her. She knew that, as much as Holly trusted in Gail, as much as she tried to focus on that trust, there was just the tiniest piece of her doubting whether Gail would stay, would fight to stay, even if things got rough. And she knew it would be easy to turn this around on Holly, to blame her for doubting Gail. She also knew it wouldn't be fair.

"You know that thing you said? About confronting you, about arguing things out with you? That goes both ways. You need to do that, too. And you can't hold back because you're afraid." Holly rolled her eyes, knowing that Gail was right, but not wanting to hear it, obviously. "I need you to understand something Holly. I know I haven't exactly been making all of this easy for you. But you need to know that there's no reason for you to worry. There's no reason for you to be afraid. Scared of losing me. I need you to trust me. I need you to trust that I will stay. I'm here. I'm not going to run. Whatever happens. Okay? Because I love you, Holly."

She felt Holly's breath hitch, her look one of disbelief and the tears shooting back into her eyes. She cupped her cheeks and rested her forehead against Holly's.

"I love you. And I'm not going anywhere. " She repeated, just before Holly's lips crashed into hers.

"I love you too."

They settled in bed after a while, both lying on their backs, staring towards the ceiling in the dark. Gail's head rested on Holly's arm, while their right hands were tightly interlocked.

"Shit." Gail uttered out of nowhere. "I guess I also have to apologise to Rachel. And to the whole bunch of party guests as well."

"Well." Holly dragged out the word. "I'm sure she would appreciate it."

"Yeah." Gail nodded.

"And we... We still need to have this argument." Holly added reluctantly.

"What argument?" Gail turned her head to face the brunette, even though she could only roughly make out her features in the dark.

"About that night... at the bar." She didn't want there to be any doubt left in Gail's mind.

"Do we? I mean, I get it Holly. Now I get it. It was a stupid thing that a stupid then-friend-of-yours said and you dismissed it because you knew that anything else would be a waste of time and energy. It was just bad timing that I overheard those parts of the conversation that pushed all the wrong buttons and jumped to conclusions. And the fact that I didn't give you any opportunity to explain made this a far bigger issue than it would have needed to be. Does that about sum it up?"

"Uh. Yeah, I guess."

"Ok then." Gail said with a smile and kissed Holly's hand. Holly still had her doubts though.

"I just... It is really important to me that you understand that I _never_ doubted that you were someone to have a committed relationship with. That I _never_ thought of myself as being superior or out of your league in any way. That I never thought _any_ of those things."

Gail spun around, propping herself up on her elbow, and traced the contours of Holly's face with her right hand.

"You know, that was the first thing that irritated me about that dream. That _memory._ That I couldn't reconcile that notion with everything I know about you. With everything that you've made me believe and feel so far." Her chin caught softly between her thumb and her index finger, she directed Holly's mouth to meet hers and placed several wet kisses on her lips.

She settled back in next to Holly, realising that there was one thought she couldn't let go of.

"Just one thing… How… How did it end, exactly?" She was already afraid she might not like the answer.

"How did what end?" Her question was casual as she kissed the top of Gail's head.

"That night at the bar. What did I say? I remember saying something mean to you and then storming off. I don't remember what it was, exactly. I just have this vague feeling about it being something mean and hurtful."

"Is that really important?" Holly sounded almost annoyed.

"Yes, it is." She looked up at the brunette with determination in her eyes.

"You said…" She inhaled deeply. "You said 'I'd rather tase myself in the eye than spend another minute with either of you.' Then you made a few other remarks and walked out." Holly shrugged. She had long forgiven Gail about that statement and it had long lost any importance, to either of them. But she still remembered every word of it.

Gail sat up and looked at Holly in shock and apology. It did sound like the Gail she remembered from before, but she had gotten to know a different side of herself in these past months, especially when it came to Holly. Holly's analysis was pretty much on point, she thought. Not being good enough, on any level. Not being good enough to ever be considered worthy of anything more than just having fun. Those _were_ the worst things she thought about herself, the things she was so afraid would be true. And the possibility that Holly would think those things about her was hardly bearable for her. So much so that she reacted in barely explicable and excusable harshness, both times.

"Jesus. I'm so sorry, Holly." The brunette smiled at her. "I know." She manoeuvred Gail carefully to rest her head on Holly's shoulder again. But the blonde wasn't finished yet. She kept enquiring further what happened after, so Holly, reluctantly but honestly, told her.

Told her how they broke up, how Gail avoided and ignored Holly, how after long weeks, months really, she found herself back in Holly's lab, as open and honest and vulnerable as she had never allowed herself to be before. She told her about the revelation that she was seeing somebody else and Gail's reaction to it. And about how there, in fact, never _was_ a someone else. How Holly just said that to retain at least some control over the situation, to not make a fool of herself, to not seem completely pathetic. Because the truth was that all that time, she was just waiting for Gail. Waiting for her to cool off, to let Holly explain and apologise, to get some perspective on her behaviour, to apologise herself. Most of all, she was waiting for Gail to realise that, as the blonde would put it, Holly was the 'most wonderful person she's ever met', or, as Holly would put it, that they were the best thing that ever happened to each other. And in the end, she was right. She was right to wait, because Gail did come through. And after she'd let her dangle for a few weeks, which, looking back at it, was maybe unfair, but without an alternative at the time, she took the final step.

Gail being Gail, she of course assumed that at some point, most likely the moment she walked out of the bar that night, she would have found someone to blow off steam with, someone for meaningless sex, just out of frustration and out of spite. She surprised herself when Holly told her that she didn't. Not to her knowledge, at least. And when Gail voiced her disbelief, the brunette's conviction remained steadfast. It was an unfamiliar experience, another person being absolutely convinced that Gail wasn't sleeping with anyone else. It usually was the other way around.

Eventually, none of their mistakes, none of their missteps during that time mattered anyway. In a way, maybe, they even helped them. Helped them become more confident about what the other person wanted, helped them iron out some misunderstandings and misconceptions, helped them communicate better, more openly and honestly. Eventually, they became a well attuned team, became an amazing couple, much to their own and everyone else's surprise at times. Became unswerving, unshakable.

Holly had finished her recount of their shakeup and they spent a few minutes in silence. Suddenly, the blonde looked up at her and grinned.

"So we weren't always boringly perfect all the time?" Holly laughed out loud.

"No, we weren't always perfect all the time." She added, adding indignation to her tone. "And we were _never_ boring."

"Good." Gail kissed her before she settled back in next to Holly. "I like that."


	24. Chapter 24

_AUTHOR'S NOTE:_

 _Wow. Thank you guys so so much for your reviews and all your feedback on your experience as readers. It really is incredibly encouraging to see how this little story and the trip I'm sending those two on resonates with you._

 _It's so satisfying to see you picking up on some of the details exactly the way that I'd intended, and also absolutely inspiring to look at them from the different perspectives that you bring to the table. So again: Thank you, thank you, thank you!_

 _And: The next chapter won't be long in coming._

* * *

"Hello?" She was in the middle of typing up a report when her phone rang. It was a slow day, so she was taking the opportunity to catch up on her much hated paperwork.

"Hello. Am I talking to Holly Stewart Peck?" A female voice was on the other end.

"Yes, this is she." She replied absentmindedly, jamming the phone between her shoulder and her ear as she continued typing.

"I'm calling from Toronto General. Your wife is doing fine. She was brought in earlier with a flesh wound. The cuts were a little deeper than we suspected at first so we gave her some stronger medication for the pain to be able to fix her up properly. Unfortunately she's been having an unusually strong reaction to the medication so we cannot let her leave on her own. And she is not exactly willing to stay, either. Would you be able to come by and pick her up?"

Her fingers froze the moment she heard _Toronto General_ and the rest of the woman's speech was a haze. She snapped out of her stupor when there was a suspicious silence on the other end of the line, indicating it was her turn to speak.

"Yeah. Yeah, of course, I'll be on my way." She hung up and put the phone down on the table. And she sat there. Not moving an inch, not doing anything, not thinking about anything while she couldn't ban the images from flashing in front of her eyes. It was just one image, really. Gail, in a hospital bed, looking at her as if she were a stranger.

…

"Stevie?" She squinted at him with one eye open and a goofy smile on her face.

"Gaily?" He imitated her facial expression, taking it over the top. He had seen Gail like this, drugged up, before and he knew she would be nothing if not entertaining. Right after Holly hung up, he had called the station to find out what had happened, what he needed to prepare himself for, and also, whether he needed to kick someone's ass. Having been brought up to speed he knew there was no reason to be overly worried when he made his way to the hospital.

"You're not Holly." Her finger was pointing at him and drawing circles into the space between them and he noticed how she slurred her words.

Steve just turned around to face the nurse and shrugged, stating drily.

"I don't know what the problem is. She seems fine to me. Perfect perception, razor sharp cognitive skills and only minor articulatory deficits."

"Steve, you're almost married to my best friend. Stop flirting with the pretty nurse and get me out of here." It couldn't have been _that_ bad. After all, she managed to get out a complete sentence in a comprehensible fashion.

"Yes ma'am. So, this is for the pain?" He took a serious tone with the nurse now and she smiled at the change.

"Yes. Don't let her take them on an empty stomach, and no more than three per day." The nurse instructed.

"Her wife's a doctor. I'm sure she'll be in good hands." The curly-haired woman nodded and grinned in understanding.

"Ah. The famous Holly. I've heard many a song of praise about her." She chuckled while glancing at Gail and Steve just nodded in response.

"You'd understand if you knew her." He turned back towards Gail, helped her up and put his arm around her waist to steady her.

"Now come on, little sis. Let's get you home." Of course she hated needing the help, but she knew it was necessary. So she put her arm around his shoulder while she nodded tiredly.

"To Holly's place." It didn't sound like an objection, not like a contradiction to his statement. It was more a reassurance of what "home" exactly meant. Or maybe he was reading too much into it. Maybe it was just what he wanted to hear, finally. Be that as it may, him and Traci had considered Gail _moved out_ for quite a while now. Sure, the bed was still made and ready for Gail to sleep in just in case. And maybe once a week she came by, to hang out with Leo, of course, or with Traci, but mostly just to pick something up and move it to Holly's place. They had haver talked about it though, and Steve wouldn't be the one to bring it up. The last thing he wanted was to make her feel like a burden that was finally off their shoulders. Or to put too much pressure on her with the notion that she was now apparently living with Holly for real. He looked over at his sister and huffed. "Where else?"

…

"I thought they called Holly?" She had been quiet so far on the ride home and Steve thought she had fallen asleep.

"They did, but she was stuck at work. So she asked me to pick you up. Sorry to disappoint." Gail just snorted in response.

"Hey! I still call dibs on being the disappointment in this family!"

It was quiet for another while until Gail spoke again.

"So Holly is still at work?"

He checked his watch.

"Yeah. At least she was like an hour ago. And from the sound of things she wasn't going to be done any time soon. She asked me to pick up dinner for you and feed you." He was wagging his index finger in a authoritative gesture, imitating Holly's adamance. She was a little scattered when she called him, a little distracted maybe, but her instructions surely were precise and insistent.

"Of course she did." She wanted to sound annoyed at the excessive care and worry on Holly's part but couldn't help but smile fondly.

"You know, I'm not really hungry. Can you take me to the morgue?" Her brother eyed her suspiciously. He had received clear instructions from Holly, and she was not to be messed with when it came to Gail's well-being. He knew that. But neither was Gail where Holly was concerned. And he had a feeling that it might be good for Holly if Gail showed up at her office.

"Sure, but… Don't you just want to go home? You can lie down, sleep off the drugs. I'll let Holly know your home safe and sound. I'll even send her a video of you drooling and snoring for evidence." She shook her head forcefully, completely ignoring his attempt at a joke. She wanted to be with Holly sooner rather than later. She felt like she needed to. Like Holly needed her to be.

"No, just… Take me to the morgue." Steve nodded and turned the car around to head to the morgue. When he stopped the car in the parking lot, Gail made no indication of getting out.

"Do you have somewhere to be?" He considered her question for a moment and then shrugged. "No. Why?"

"Can I sit here for a little while, until the drugs wear off a bit?"

She was still feeling quite weak-kneed and a little dizzy. She probably would have made it to Holly's office, but she didn't want to show up there barely able to hold herself up. Steve nodded in response. "Sure."

They let silence fall between them and stared out the window, keeping the entrance to the morgue in sight just in case. Steve was the first to speak.

"You don't think she actually was held up at work, do you?"

Gail took her time to answer, knowing what her brother was implying, knowing that she was suspecting the exact same thing, but taking a while to consider whether she actually wanted that suspicion _out there_. Whether she wanted it to be a thing, whether she wanted to put Holly in that position. But this was her brother. Even if she lied, he would know what she really thought.

"No, I don't." She bit her lip, feeling guilty.

There was another long silence.

"Alright. I'm good to go now." She sat up slowly and opened the sun visor on her side. The rest of her mascara was anywhere but where it was supposed to be and her hair was a mess. She ran her hands through her hair and put it up in a ponytail before she cleaned up the smudged mascara as well as she could.

"Are you sure?" He regarded her doubtfully, unsure whether he could let her go like this. If anything happened on the way from here to there, Holly would probably kick him in the nuts.

"Yes I am. And if something should happen, I'm going into a house full of doctors." She picked up her purse from the footwell.

"Yeah, dead people doctors!" That didn't really do anything to ease his mind.

"I'll be fine, Steve." She bumped her fist into his shoulder and opened the door, still moving a little slow but looking like she had everything under control.

"Alright. Go easy on her." She pulled the door back open at the sound of his voice. "Hm?"

"Holly. Go easy on her." He urged her and Gail just smiled and shrugged. "Of course." Why wouldn't she?

"Oh. And I'm totally telling Traci you called her your best friend, by the way." She paused for a second, ready to throw a quip back at her brother, but opted against it. The thought of Holly had put her in a pensive mood and she smiled at him softly. "You should."

…

"Hey you." She rested her side against the doorframe and greeted Holly quietly.

The brunette looked up, and as her eyes fell on Gail, she expected the familiar image to flash before her eyes. Gail in uniform, sauntering through her door. But this time, it didn't. There was a new image, one that brought the sting of tears to her eyes. She quickly shook it off, jumped up from her chair and quickly approached the blonde, her hands on her hips in order to steady her.

"Gail! Hey. Didn't Steve take you home?" She sized her wife up, trying to make out the nature and extent of her injuries, while Gail stayed completely still, waiting for Holly eyes to meet hers. Once they did, she moved in slowly to kiss Holly, softly but with determination.

"No, I asked him to bring me here. I'm fine." She started towards the chair in front of Holly's desk, still supported by the pathologist. "Tired, but fine."

"What the hell happened?" Holly rested her hips against her desk right next to Gail and eyed her questioningly.

"Something stupid. I was at this old lady's house, interviewing her once more in connection to the missing person case. I was walking back to my car and just turned a corner when this kid came crashing into me on his skateboard and I fell into this barbed wire fence arm forward. And then the poor boy tried to untangle me and only made matters worse as the wire just tightened around my arm. He was emptying his stomach right next to me at the sight of all that blood. That might have actually been the worst part of it all." She tried to lighten the mood a little by downplaying the whole incident and chuckled at her intended joke. Holly didn't care about that, though, and kept regarding the detective with worry.

"So, you are ok?"

"I am ok."

She spoke softly and nodded. She understood Holly. Well, she didn't really understand. She didn't remember ever being in the situation that Holly was in right now. But she had a pretty good idea of what Holly must have been going through. Still, she wished Holly would just touch her. Would caress her cheeks, take her hand in hers, pepper kisses to her skin, wrap her arms around her. She was so incredibly tired, and cold – maybe as a result of the tiredness, maybe from the blood loss, maybe because it was about time she got some food into her – and the pain was shooting back into her arm now that the pain meds were starting to wear off. And truth be told, she had been a little panicked herself at the sight of all that blood. So really, all she wanted was Holly's touch, her warmth, some solace. But it was obvious that Holly wasn't in a state to give that to her

"You're sure?" She inquired again.

"Yes, I'm sure. It's going to hurt for a while and I'll probably be left with some scars unless I'm lucky. But I hear chicks dig scars." It took all the energy she had, but she managed to maintain a light, positive tone and winked at Holly. "What about you? Think you'll be long?"

"Just let me finish up this one report and we can go. Ok?"

Maybe it was too much to ask for Holly to just drop everything and take her home. She laid her head down on the corner of the desk, resting it on her uninjured arm. "Ok. I'll just take a little nap here."

…

"You've been awfully quiet all night."

They had picked up dinner on the way home, and Gail was sitting at the kitchen counter while Holly stowed away the leftovers and topped up her drink. Not many words had been exchanged except for a quick dialogue on dinner and Holly checking in every now and then, asking how Gail was doing, how bad the pain was, whether she was still okay.

"Yeah, it was a long day. An exhausting day." Her back was turned to Gail as she massaged her temples with one hand and steadied herself on the worktop with the other. Since Holly was obviously doing her best to steer clear of this conversation, a conversation that needed to be had, Gail figured she would have to be the one to start. By now she wasn't so sure anymore that it was just shock and fear that made Holly react the way she did. It felt like, more than that, she was actually mad at Gail. Like the blonde had to apologise or justify the situation somehow.

"Chris and a rookie were with me when it happened. I _explicitly_ told them not to call you. I was only supposed to need a few stitches and I'd be able to walk out of there again. I didn't want to alarm you. I didn't want you to worry. I'm really sorry." The wounds were supposed to be superficial. That's what the paramedics said when they wheeled her off. Which was why she told Chris that she didn't need any company, that he didn't need to come with her or send anyone to stay with her or pick her up. A few stitches, a bandage, maybe a day off tomorrow. She would pop by Holly's office on the way back from the hospital, just to let her know, without making a big deal out of it. But then the wounds turned out to be deeper than initially suspected and the pain was worse than they'd anticipated. So they put her on a drip faster than she could object and she quickly felt her vision blur and drowsiness take over.

"I get it. What must have gone through your mind. I get it."

"Do you? Because I don't think you do, Gail." Holly's reply was a little more forceful than expected as she turned around and fixed her gaze on the blonde.

"What do you mean?" She was taken aback by Holly's harshness and shook her head in bewilderment as Holly huffed with frustration.

"I don't think you do because I don't think you can even begin to grasp your own significance. I don't think you can even remotely fathom the weight of the possibility of your absence. And I don't think you understand that you are by far the very best part of someone else's life. So no, Gail. I don't think you get it."

She pushed off the worktop and stomped off, leaving behind a speechless Gail. She knew that there was absolutely no justifiable reason to lash out at Gail like that. She knew Gail couldn't be blamed. Not for what happened, not for her decision to go to the hospital by herself, not for her reaction to the pain medication, not for the nurse calling her _wife_ when she needed her. But she had felt this anger building up inside of her all afternoon, ever since she made the decision to call Steve and have him pick up his sister. And really, she knew. She knew she wasn't angry with Gail. She knew that. She was angry with herself. For ducking out, for letting the fear overwhelm her and determine her actions, for being this scared in the first place in light of a completely innocuous situation. There it was. She was scared and she was angry and she was completely helpless in dealing with those emotions.


	25. Chapter 25

_AUTHOR'S NOTE:_

 _I am still and again absolutely amazed with and incredibly grateful for all those reviews and kind words you're leaving!_

 _As a thank you, here is the speedy update I promised you. :-)_

 _Let me know what you think!_

* * *

The sound of water splashing onto the porcelain surface echoed through the closed door. She knocked, not really expecting an answer.

"Holly?" Another knock, still no answer. She opened the door slowly and entered the bathroom, sitting down on the closed toilet and staring at the shower curtain behind which Holly was hiding.

"Holly, I can't come into the shower, I can't get the bandages wet. So, would you please come out? Please, Holly. We need to talk about this." She spoke quietly, pain and helplessness evident in her voice, but still loud enough so she knew Holly would hear her even through the running water. There was no reaction for a long while and Gail was about to speak again when she heard the squeaking sound of the tap being turned off. The shower curtain didn't move though and she couldn't detect any movement behind it either. She waited a few moments until she approached the bathtub and pulled the curtain open.

Holly was sitting in the tub, hugging her knees close to her chest. Gail sat down on the opposite side of the porcelain wall, facing the brunette.

"Hey. Thank you." She cupped her cheek with her hand, brushing her thumb across the soft skin and seeking out Holly's gaze which she only caught briefly, before the brunette looked away again. Not getting any reaction out of Holly, and not exactly sure what to say next, she climbed into the tub, all dressed, and sat across from Holly, her legs framing the other woman so she could sit as close to her as possible. Both her hands came up to Holly's cheeks, tracing the contours of her cheekbones, her jaw, her neck, her shoulders, until they came to rest on the brunettes forearms, tracing soothing patterns on the damp skin with her fingertips.

They sat like this for several minutes, Holly finally looking up and holding Gail's gaze for a few moments before she let her eyes roam across Gail's face, taking in her features in every detail, and then found those blue eyes again. The blonde opened her mouth several times in an effort to start the conversation, but the other woman shook her head no each time, silently begging her not to speak. So she didn't. She stayed there, sitting in silence, watching the woman across from her. Her look was pained, apologetic, full of sorrow and question, and Holly couldn't take it any longer. She moved to sit in Gail's lap, her legs wrapped around the blonde's hips while her strong arms pulled the blonde into a tight hold. Again, they sat in silence, focusing on the other's breathing, on the feel of the damp skin, the smell of disinfectant and coconut oil.

It was hardly noticeable at first when Holly's hips started rocking against the blonde's, but soon her movements became more distinct, leaving Gail uncertain as to how to react. She certainly wasn't in the mood for sex when there were obviously things they needed to talk about, when there was so obviously a dark cloud hanging above their heads.

She briefly huffed at herself silently. This must have been the very first time in history that she wanted to talk instead of heaving sex.

"Gail, _please_." Holly desperately begging an unresponsive Gail was all it took for the blonde to cave, though. Her injured arm held on to the brunettes back while her other hand came down to dip into Holly's wet core. There was no doubt about what Holly wanted. And Gail would give it to her, whether she enjoyed it or not. She went straight for her entrance, pushing into the brunette with two fingers. Holly groaned as she entered her. It was a feral sound, coming from deep within, Holly's soul laid bare. She held on close to Gail as she rode her, ground down on Gail's fingers rampantly in an effort to bury them deeper inside her still. And the blonde followed suit, thrusting into her fiercely, the way she knew Holly wanted it, needed it. Her wife's groans and the hot ragged breaths on her neck intensified as she fucked her. She wants to say _made love to her_ , because really, she did. She poured all of her love for Holly into this, into satisfying her intense need for release, her desperate attempt to feel something other than fear and anger. So Gail made love to her while she fucked her until Holly reached her breaking point and her walls clenched around Gail's fingers as she came.

She stayed there, in Gail's lap, unmoving, for a long while, the blonde's fingers still buried inside her as she kept her centre firmly pressed into Gail's. Without notice, she placed a brief kiss on the crook of Gail's neck and pushed herself up, letting go of Gail's fingers before she stepped out of the bathtub. Gail was dumbfounded for a moment, expecting the brunette to just walk away. She stopped in her tracks, however, extending her hand behind her without looking at Gail, but still indicating she come with her. She led her to their bedroom and got into bed, naked, moving to lay down on Gail's side of the bed. And the blonde didn't need words to understand. She quickly swallowed a painkiller, slipped off her wet clothes and followed Holly, who huddled her body against the blonde's while she lifted her head so Gail could thread her uninjured arm underneath her. The bandaged arm came to rest on Holly's stomach as she held her as close as she could, making the brunette feel every centimetre of her skin, her warmth.

Darkness enveloped them as they laid in silence, both knowing that the other person was still awake.

"I do, Holly. I _do_ get it. I mean, you're not wrong. The idea that I might be the best part of someone's life still seems a little strange to me. But I'm catching on to it, you know?" Holly threaded her fingers through Gail's. "I'm sorry that today scared you." She whispered into the back of Holly's neck and the brunette nodded in response. Or she shook her head. Maybe both. Maybe she didn't know herself.

"I just… I _just_ got you back." Holly sniffed and it broke Gail's heart. Hearing Holly, who had always remained hopeful and positive throughout all these past months, who always managed to put a light spin on a tough situation, who seemed unbreakable to her, suddenly sound this small, this helpless. She couldn't keep her own voice from breaking.

"I know. I know. But… I _am_ here. Okay? I'm here. I'm here and I'm fine and I'm doing my very best every day to make sure it stays that way. Okay?"

"Okay." The confirmation was barely audible but it was there. And there was nothing left to be said. For now. Gail pulled the woman in her arms impossibly closer and as silent tears fell from their eyes they slowly drifted off to sleep.

…

She found her sitting on the sofa, her legs crossed, flipping through one of Holly's science magazines. At the sound of footsteps, she looked up and smiled at the tousled brunette. "Good morning. How are you feeling?"

She cocked her head in remorse. "How am I…? I should be asking you that."

"Meh. It hurts. I need to eat something so that I can take a painkiller." Gail shrugged it off as if it weren't a big deal, but Holly could see she was in pain.

"Gail, I'm sorry! You should have just had breakfast without me. Or you should have woken me up, rather." She just now registered the bowls on the coffee table and sat down next to Gail, patting her thigh.

"It's ok. It's… still bearable. And you looked too cute to wake up." She smiled at Holly endearingly and pressed a quick kiss to her lips before she handed her one of the bowls and held out another bowl with yoghurt.

"Cereal? Look at you, making breakfast like an actual grownup." Holly chuckled and raised her eyebrows while the blonde just shrugged again lightly.

"It was the only thing I could think of that wouldn't get cold until you woke up and that would be ready to eat the moment you would."

They ate breakfast mostly in silence, the conversation to be had still looming ahead. When they had both set down their empty bowls there was that moment. That moment where the silence was threatening to become uncomfortable and Holly knew it was her turn to fill it.

"I'm sorry, about last night." She sighed and rested her hand on Gail's thigh again, squeezing it lightly. The blonde was quick to take take it into her own, drawing soothing pattern on its back. "I know. And you don't need to be. I _do_ get it. Really."

She slumped back into the sofa, letting her head fall back and staring up at the ceiling. After a deep breath, she started explaining.

"I was leaving my office to pick you up, and I just couldn't cross the doorsill. I just, I couldn't. It was like there was this invisible wall. I just couldn't go there and face you. I couldn't go there and face you if things had been… like last time. And I know that that's stupid. I know there was no reason whatsoever to suspect any of the sort. The nurse had told me it was nothing serious. Or at least I think she did. I didn't really listen very well to what she said. But anyway, there was this image constantly popping up in my head, of you, of last time. And if things had been like that, like last time, I just… I just didn't want to know. I just wanted to stay in this place, where I didn't have to know that. Kind of like… Schroedinger's Gail, you know? As long as I don't open that door, everything might be just fine." She chanced a look at Gail who had already been waiting for the brunette to meet her gaze.

"Well, everything is just fine." The brunette nodded, but Gail had a feeling that she wasn't really listening, that she was still lost in her own thoughts.

"I don't know. The last time you were in the hospital, my whole life fell apart. I lost… _everything_. I just don't know how to do that again." She covered her face with her hands while hot tears escaped her eyes, but Gail was quick to pull her up to face her and she kissed her patiently as she wiped the tears from Holly's face.

"Shh. I'm sorry. It's fine. Everything's fine, Holly. I'm so sorry." Still holding Holly's face in her hands, her thumbs gently caressing her skin, she rested their foreheads together.

"I know. I know." The brunette nodded, trying to convince herself that it was. And it seemed to work after a while, when she sought out the other woman's soft lips with her own.

"Okay, I really have to take one of those pills now. Sorry." Holly nodded and she pressed another quick kiss to the brunette's lips before she got up to get a glass of water and take one of the long needed painkillers.

…

"Holly, can you do me a favour? I want you to take a video. Of me. The front camera doesn't make me look very flattering. Also, I want you to hear this." Knowing how drowsy the pills would be making her, she went back upstairs to the bedroom to lie down. Holly had joined her, but got back up once the blonde had fallen asleep and took care of the dishes, did some tidying, even cleaned the windows. Anything to distract her. Her rational self kept telling her that all of this was stupid and unnecessary and unfounded. She didn't have exact numbers, sure, but she knew the likelihood of history repeating itself was, in this case, not only virtually, but quite literally, zero. But still, there was this image of Gail, and the memory of her rejection, and those moments realising she had lost her, that she just couldn't shake.

"Hear what?" She closed the dishwasher, putting away the last of the dishes.

"Just… Point the camera at me, ok?" Gail shoved the iPad into her hand and led her to back to the living room, sitting herself down in the armchair while she ordered Holly to sit on the coffee table and start recording.

 _I lost_ everything. _Everything_. Holly's words kept echoing in her head from the moment they fell from her lips. And they hit her with full force. She knew that there was nothing she could say or do that would make that kind of pain go away. And she knew that she had to say and do absolutely everything in her power to chip it off, layer by layer. But the right words didn't come easy, so she tried holding her, for a start. She held her close, tried to make her feel it, to make her feel that Gail was there, make her feel her love. She held her until the pain, the physical pain, not the emotional one, became too much to bear.

She waved at the camera awkwardly.

"Hi Gail, this is, well, you. And this here is Holly," – she moved Holly's hands to turn the camera lens towards her for a moment before she went back to her original position – "whom I hereby order to play this video to me, or, well, you, if the occasion should present itself.

So. Where to start? It's September 2018. Last year, in November, you've had an accident at work, resulting in partial amnesia. Basically, when you woke up, it was as if the last five years had never happened. Uhm, when _I_ woke up, I mean. Jeez. This is fucking weird. But just bear with me." Holly chuckled and Gail was briefly distracted by the brunette. She shook her head and focused back on the camera.

"Anyway. The truth is, there is still very little I remember from that time. And by now I'm not so sure I ever will. But who knows. The thing is, waking up with amnesia is the weirdest fucking feeling in the world. You suddenly lose your grip on reality somehow. It throws you completely off track and you have no idea what's what all of a sudden." Holly knew that that was how the blonde felt. They had talked about it a lot, but Gail had always been much more vague. And while she assumed that this must have been how her wife felt, hearing her say it out loud, with such clarity nonetheless, made it a little harder for Holly to breathe.

"It's horrifying, really. But there are a few things that, had I known them from the get-go, would have made everything a little less horrifying, I'm sure.

So, in the very unlikely case that you should find yourself in the same situation again at some point in the future, I want to give you some advice.

You will wake up, and one of the first people you'll see will probably, hopefully, be this person." Again, she briefly turned the camera. "Holly Stewart. _Dr._ Holly Stewart. Actually, Dr. Holly Stewart _Peck_. Holly is your wife, but don't let that word scare you.

If you're lucky, you know exactly who she is and everything is fine. Because all the rest, you can just figure out with her. If you're really unlucky, though, as I have been, you have no clue and that's kind of where it all goes to shit."

She pauses for a moment to regard Holly intently, hoping she understands. Hoping she manages to abstract from the absurd idea of Gail leaving a message for her future amnesiac self and just _hears_ her.

"So. You'll wake up and you'll see her, and you'll think she's beautiful and a little touchy. She's allowed to be touchy, but you don't know that of course, so you'll find her very weird. But then again, you've always liked weird. Then, somehow, by someone, you'll be told that she's your wife and you'll think it's a joke, so you'll just ignore it.

If you're really unlucky, you'll ask to see Nick. Let me save you the trouble. It's not worth it. He'll show up and all you will think about is how he shouldn't be there. Also, you really don't want to do that to Holly.

Back to her, by the way. So when you've accepted the fact that whoever told you she was your wife was apparently correct, you will probably be your usual bitch and push her away. But Holly isn't so easily discouraged. She'll stick around, she'll come back. As much as you let her, anyway. You will realise quickly that you really like her, that you feel completely at ease when you're with her, that she's funny, that she knows how to handle you, that you miss her when she's not around. And then you will realise that you find her really attractive, that you are, in fact, attracted _to_ her, that you think about what it would be like to touch her and to kiss her, that you try to remember the smell of her hair when you're laying in bed at night, trying to fall asleep.

So, naturally, you'll push her away some more. And then you'll reel her back in. And then you'll push her away again, or keep her at a distance. And you'll be an ass and you'll be acting cool and casual and you'll pretend that there's nothing more than friendly feelings between the two of you. Because, of course, you're scared. You're scared because you have no idea how to deal with all those feelings that are rather unfamiliar to you. And you'll tell yourself that you only have those feelings because you think they're expected of you, because you have been confronted with this back story. Because everyone is rooting for the two of you. You will start to question whether you can actually tell what is real anymore."

She pauses again, taking a deep breath, before she puts into words what has always been the most scary part, the hardest part of it all.

"Mostly, of course, you will just feel inadequate. You will see this wonderful person and think you'll never be able to live up to her. You'll never be what she deserves. You'll never be worthy of her and of being loved the way she loves you.

Let me tell you, that's all bullshit. I mean yeah, she seems far too good for you, but somehow, you are everything she wants. And somehow, with her, you are _good_ too, and worthy, and deserving. And yeah, feelings are scary, but with Holly, you can do anything.

Now, through all of this, all of your back and forth, Holly will be there for you. Because that's the kind of person she is. Because that's how much she loves you. She will be patient and she will be supportive and she will indulge you and she'll always have a warm smile for you that makes everything better, all the time. And she'll make it look easy. So easy. But all that doesn't mean that she isn't hurting too. This doesn't come easy to her, either. This whole situation has screwed her over just as much as it has you. So maybe you could try and keep the back and forth to a minimum. Don't let her hurt this much."

Her eyes filled with tears and she knitted her eyebrows together as the realisation sank in.

"Because eventually, this will be the most painful part of it all. Realising how much she has been hurting during all of this."

She wiped the tears from her face and sought out Holly's eyes and finding exactly what she was looking for. Recognition.

"Now that thing about not knowing what's real, feeling completely lost in the absence of memories, that's actually one of the more difficult problems. Because it is a very basic problem of your everyday life, not just related to Holly. And there is only one solution to it. You have to realise that the past isn't what matters the most, that the lost memories don't matter. That you don't need to get them back in order to be a real version of yourself. You need to let go of the past. Now, to be completely honest, I haven't mastered that part yet. Not in the great scheme of things. But I _have_ mastered it with Holly, for the most part. And really, that is the key, that's the answer to everything. You let go of the past and you focus on what you feel right now. And you'll feel drawn to Holly. You'll feel like you're falling in love with her. You'll feel like everything is falling into place when you're with her. Why? Because you are. Because it is. For no other reason."

She watched as a few tears escaped Holly's eyes and felt a watery sting in her own once again. She shook it off, finishing her message.

"I'm pretty sure you are rather shocked and have made puking noises at yourself several times now because it seems like you have turned into a disgusting, hopeless romantic who has all those feelings and says all those cheesy things. Well, I can't really help you there. Suck it up.

So, to sum up. This right here is the coolest chick in the universe." Once again, panning to Holly. "She loves you for exactly who you are. And you love her for exactly who she is. And that is pretty much _all_ that matters.

Don't fuck this up."

She nods emphatically, staring into the camera. Then, just as she's about to take the iPad from Holly's hands and turn it off, she remembers one last thing, her tone considerably lighter now.

"Oh, and, apparently, you and your mother get along now. But that is a whole other story. One that Holly can tell you with all its gory details."

She signalled Holly to turn the camera off and as soon as it was out of her hand, the brunette was straddling her and regarded her with nothing but love.

"I know that I can't completely take away your fears and your worries, I know that I can't turn back time and undo that clusterfuck of a situation that turned your whole life upside down. But I will try my best. And maybe having this helps at least a little." She tilted her head and shrugged shyly.

"Thank you." Holly moved in to kiss her slowly, their lips moving against each other softly and purposefully. And Gail knew that she had understood.


	26. Chapter 26

_AUTHOR'S NOTE:_

 _This was one of the first chapters I've written for this story (minus a few details I've added as the story kept unfolding), back when it consisted of about 10 chapters in total. I can't help but think that it feels a little out of place now, but I didn't want to discard it altogether. So I guess this is kind of like a segue into what will probably be the last part of this story (consisting of several chapters)._

 _Enjoy! And if you feel like it, leave a review. Every single one makes me very happy :-)_

* * *

It was a busy night at the Penny, and they were right in the middle of it. The alcohol kept flowing, as did the conversations. Holly took in her surroundings for a moment. Her friends. Gail's friends. Their friends.

You couldn't say they had really merged their circles of friends – Gail's friends were a little too much of a sworn in, close-knit circle to accommodate more than a few singular "intruders", and Holly didn't really have this huge circle of friends that Gail did, but rather a number of smaller circles and individuals she hung out with – and for the most part they, luckily, mixed rather well with the gang from 15. There were Marcus and Isabel from the lab, Marcus' husband Peter, and at times Isabel's boyfriend – depending on whether she had one at the moment or not. There were _the girls,_ her closest friends from school. Rachel, who had an on-again-off-again thing going on with Chris. Neither Gail nor Holly had been really happy about it, since they suspected that they were just headed for heartbreak in the end, but after pointing out vigorously that they would not be caught in the middle of their relationship drama, they just let them be. There was Vivian, now mostly busy rearing and bearing kids, who basically just got along with anyone. Sometimes Holly thought that was because she was somewhat lacking in character, a thought that made her feel guilty and judgmental whenever it crossed her mind. Speaking of. Of course, there was Lisa. Lisa, whom she came to have a very ambivalent relationship with, as did Rachel and Vivian. But she had been a part of their group for so long, had gone with them through so much, and she certainly had her qualities, so that she still tagged along every now and then, invited or not. Two of her childhood friends, Connor and Marie, whom she was hoping most would get along with Gail's friends – and they blended in perfectly from the first time they met. Aside from that, she had a number of other friends from university, who weren't around very often though, seeing as they were scattered all over the country or continent, had families, or were just too busy to hang out all that much.

They hardly ever got everyone together – the last time must have been their wedding – but tonight was one of those nights where, for some reason, everything fell into place and most people were actually there. Gail sat to her right, engrossed in conversation with Marie, Swarek and Andy, her hand finding Holly's thigh every now and then to establish contact. Holly had been a bag of nerves when she introduced Gail and Marie – both times. But then and now, the two hit it off right away. Peter was talking to Nick. He was ex-military, so they always had things to talk about.

Holly's and Nick's relationship was still a little strained, and Holly supposed it would always stay that way. She wasn't usually a resentful person, and she wasn't usually a jealous one, either. Not when it came to Gail. She knew that she had no reason not to trust her. But that night, that night, there may have been a reason not to. She knew that, and she knew that Nick knew that. And he went ahead anyway, fully aware of the pain he would cause, fully aware of the betrayal he was about to commit, not just towards Holly but also towards Gail. And Holly couldn't forgive that. Neither could Steve. The others were a little more lenient in their judgement, even though most of them would have sided with Holly if they had to chose. Even Gail came around. Sure, she found his behaviour reckless and outrageous, but she couldn't get too emotional about it because, being the person at the centre of his ploy, she knew that he was never even remotely close to getting anywhere with it. Anyway, it didn't matter in the end. Nick was one of them, part of the family, and what he did just wasn't bad enough to have him shunned. Holly knew that. So she came to terms with it, ignored him when she could, and treated him with impersonal politeness when she had to.

Marcus was joking around with Chloe and Traci, while Dov was in conversation with Chris and Rachel, not really noticing that he was a third wheel and an obstacle in their flirting. Celery and Naomi looked on from the sidelines, kind of like parents watching their children, always on the lookout that something might happen, while Steve, Oliver and Connor were their usual trio, always bantering, never really up to any good. And then, to her left, there was Lisa. Lisa whom she had tried to maintain a stilted conversation with for over half an hour now, owed to the fact that Holly simply didn't trust her _friend_ anymore. She didn't trust her with the intimate details of her life, with how she was feeling, with what was going on inside her, with her problems, her worries, her hopes and dreams. So they stuck to the superficial, Holly elegantly circumnavigating all of her questions and comments that could lead to anything more personal.

She felt Gail squeeze her thigh as she got up from her chair and she looked up at the blonde who grinned at her. She knew Holly would react to her movement immediately.

"I'm off to the bathroom." She said, adding in a whisper, so that only Holly could hear. "I'll be back in no time to come to your rescue."

Holly didn't want to wait, though. She mirrored Gail's actions, now facing her up close. "I'll go get some more drinks in the meantime."

"Alright babe. I'll see you in a bit." Gail smiled and pressed a lingering kiss to Holly's lips before she hurried off to the bathroom.

Of course she would follow her. It's like she had only been waiting for a situation like this all night, an opportunity to get her alone.

"So." she simply stated, as Holly turned to her right to look at her.

"So? What?" she asked in an annoyed tone. She didn't know what Lisa was going for, but she could already tell by the expression on her face, it wouldn't be anything good.

"How long are you going to keep playing this game?" Her voice was full of reproach and already, not even two sentences in, Holly was about to explode with anger.

"What game?" She tried to be as brief as possible. The less she said, the less she could lash out. This was supposed to be a nice evening.

"The one were you pretend everything is alright. That you and Gail are this happy couple."

"Uhm. We _are_ happy. Everything _is_ alright." She made a point of facing away from Lisa, focusing on the bartender instead to get his attention and order more drinks for herself and Gail.

"Come on, Holly! I've talked to Rachel. And to Stephanie, and to Janet, and to Vivian. They all told me what happened at Rachel's party. How Gail treated you. I told you, you and her are not at eye level. You belong in different worlds. This is your chance to get out. Stop torturing yourself. No-one could blame you if you would."

The brunette spun around and fixated the other woman with and angry and intense gaze.

"Wow. Just wow. I cannot believe you have the audacity to come here and talk about Gail like that, to use the way she reacted to a horrible situation, one that you caused in the first place, by the way, against her like that. The mere fact that you believe we are not at eye level – and sure, I do believe that you _really_ believe that –, that you think that any of this is torture for me, shows how little insight you have into our relationship. The _advice_ for me to take my chance to get out proves how little you know about what I want and how I feel. And how little you care about that. So let me spell it out for you: I am exactly where I want to be, and that is with Gail."

"Oh really. And which Gail is that? The one that you married? Because I don't see a ring on her finger. Do you? Face it, Holly, that Gail is gone. And that Gail right here? She has no idea what she's doing. Look. Amnesia or not, this thing with you and Gail was bound to break. Stop wasting your time. I mean, I get it. She is hot. She is different. I'm sure she's a good fuck. You've had your fun. But it's time to get serious about life and find someone who's on your level. And… just look at this from her perspective. She knows she can't keep up with you. Sure, you've been convenient, you've been there for her. Of course she's with you – for now."

She was just about to make her way back to the table with the drinks, effectively ignoring her former friend, when she ran out of the last ounce of patience and self-control she had been holding on to. Placing the bottles back on the counter with a thud, she vented her anger.

"Ok. That's enough. I'm sorry. I'm sorry you think that way. I'm sorry you have such a crooked perception of the world. I'm sorry you obviously have no idea what love is. I don't know what happened to you that you became this bitter, cynical, vicious person. I know I don't owe you an explanation. In fact, you don't even deserve one. But I'll humour you for a minute and give you one anyway. Yes. I've had my fun. _So much_ fun. Yes. I have been there for her. And I always will be there. And I trust… I _know_ that she will be as well. And, since you brought it up, yes, she is a great fuck. Amazing, mind blowing, in fact. You have _no_ idea. And, _amnesia or not_ , if there is one thing that I know for sure it's that I love her, _her_ , and that she loves me. You know, I remember a time when you used to be my friend, Lisa. What the hell happened?"

"Holly, come…" She was silenced by the raise of a hand.

"No. Shut up. Actually, thank you. Thank you for that little demonstration just now. Thank you for giving me the final reason in a long, _long_ list of reasons to do what I should have done years ago."

"Oh, and what is that?" Lisa challenged her.

"Get the fuck out of our lives, Lisa."

She turned around to walk away and ran straight into Gail's arms. She froze and stared at the blonde in shock _._ Why were they apparently bound to end up in this situation? What did she hear? Why hadn't she eliminated her from her life the first time she pulled a stunt like this, right here at the same bar? Or after the comment she made when they got back together, or when she told her they got engaged? She didn't know.

"I'm so sorry for whatever you heard, Gail. Please, please don't take anything she said seriously." Gail's eyes were darting back and forth between Holly and Lisa, who was still standing behind her… _wife_ , unmoving.

"Did you not hear what Holly just said? Get. Out. Now." She stared at the blonde for a long while, surely conjuring up some insult to accompany her departure, but finally ended up just shaking her head in a frustrated gesture and stomping off.

"Hey. Hey. Are you alright?" She gently placed her hands on both sides of Holly's face, placing several quick kisses on her lips.

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"Well, you basically just _broke up_ with one of your best friends."

She let her gaze travel towards the door and watched Lisa walk out before she took a deep breath of relief and focused back on the blonde.

"First of all, it's been a long time since I regarded her as a friend, let alone one of my best friends. And second, this has been long overdue. It's not the first time she pulled this crap. I don't even know why I still put up with her until now. I guess I always wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt. And she never came through. You have no idea how good I'm feeling right now, what a relief this is!"

After a few moments of silence, Gail started quietly. "You know she's wrong, right? I mean, you didn't just say that." Her tone became more assertive as she repeated. "You know she's wrong."

"What do you mean?" She took a step closer to Holly and placed her hands on the brunette's hips. Her eyes were roaming over Holly's face, until they met and held her gaze.

"I _do_ love you, Holly. I love you. And I know exactly what I'm doing. I'm not with you because you're _convenient_. I'm with you because you are the most amazing and wonderful person that I've ever met. I'm with you because this, you, is where everything makes sense, where I feel like I am just _me_ , where I am just… happy." She smiled at Gail serenely.

"I know. I know all that, Gail. There's not a doubt in my mind about it. You can keep telling me though."

She winked at the blonde who slapped her shoulder and rolled her eyes playfully. She turned serious again and regarded Holly quietly for a while before she nodded and kissed her softly. "Good."

"You know she's wrong too, right?" Holly's eyes were suddenly boring into her.

The blonde nodded again, more hesitantly this time, and whispered a "Yeah."

"Yeah?" Holly questioned.

"Yeah." Her answer was more determined this time.

They spent the rest of the night talking to and laughing with their friends. It was a long night and they were both happy to settle in bed in the early hours of the morning.

"What an eventful night." Holly sighed as she settled in behind Gail, placing her arm firmly around her waist.

"I know. It was still fun though, right?" She usually dreaded these big social gatherings, the constant threat of someone engaging her in conversation, the constant requirement to be friendly, or at least somewhat polite. But it wasn't so hard after all. She had come to feel pretty comfortable with her colleagues and friends. Especially Traci and Oliver, of course, but also, surprisingly, Chloe and, as always, the boys. The last months had also gotten her considerably closer to her brother. And then there were some new additions that she had quickly become very fond of. Marie, whom she wished she had known all her life, and Holly's colleagues from the lab. She liked their dark humour, their fascination with death. Rachel… Well, after Gail's meltdown at her birthday party, they had talked things out. They were good, they respected each other, and opposed to Lisa, Rachel clearly saw that Gail belonged at Holly's side. But they would never become best friends. They both knew that, and it was ok.

First and foremost, though, there was Holly, who made everything more bearable, more fun, easier, just with her presence. Her mother was right about that.

So yeah, it really was a fun night. She really did have fun. But everything that happened with Lisa was still on her mind. It bothered her that it was, because she knew she should know better. But she couldn't help it.

"We're happy, right? _You_ are _happy_ , right?" Holly had already been on the verge of falling asleep and was startled awake by Gail's question.

"What? Yes, Gail. I am happy. Very happy. Is this about Lisa?" She pulled the blonde in a little bit closer.

"I was just… I just wanted to make sure." She tried to keep her tone light, realising that her question worried Holly a little. But the brunette was already lost in thoughts of her own. Something she had wanted to ask Gail for some time now. Maybe this was the right moment.

"There is one thing, though, that would make me even happier." She felt Gail tense up a little in her arms, waiting for what was to come. "You could... You could come home. Move back in, for real, permanently, I mean. If you wanted to, that is. I know… I know you don't remember this as your home, but I think you do kind of feel at home here? And you spend most of your time here anyway. No pressure, though, I just…" Gail turned around, grinning, and silenced Holly with a kiss.

"You were rambling. You could have saved yourself the speech, you know?" Holly raised her eyebrows in question.

"Actually… I kinda thought I already lived here. I mean, do you remember the last time I didn't spend the night here? Or the last time that that was even a conceivable option? Also, it would be really inconvenient to live somewhere else, now that literally _all_ of my stuff is here." Gail shrugged, pressed another kiss to Holly's lips and turned back around, huddling against Holly's body behind her.

"Well, I'm glad that's settled." Holly muttered, still pleasantly surprised – yet surprised still – by Gail's reaction.

"Mhm." Gail sighed happily as she pulled Holly in closer and just before she drifted off.


	27. Chapter 27

_AUTHOR'S NOTE:_

 _The next couple of chapters have been a real pain to write. I've had a pretty accurate idea of what I wanted them to be, what I wanted them to sound like, and they quickly became some of my favourite chapters story-wise. Unfortunately, I can't seem to bring that idea to paper in the way that I'd like – which is why it's taking me ages to get these chapters into publishable shape, and I'm still not entirely happy with them._

 _Anyway, so as to not get completely stuck, I've decided that I just needed to let it go. I hope you enjoy this chapter nevertheless. And I'm trying not to dwell too long on the others._

 _If you want to cheer me up, leave a review :-)_

* * *

"Do you even know where we're going?" She asked as they turned yet another corner and walked through the Toronto night.

"Why, are you scared?" Gail couldn't suppress a giggle as she hushed eerily.

"No. I just know that our place is pretty much _exactly_ the other way?" She'd already had the feeling they had gotten lost a little while ago. Still, she let Gail lead the way. The last thing she wanted to do was sound petulant, or even annoyed, especially in light of the incredible evening they'd had so far.

"I thought you liked walking for walking's sake?" She kept going unwaveringly.

"I do, but you don't." Gail just shrugged and they walked on in silence, the clicking sound of their heels providing acoustic accompaniment.

She had taken her out that night to a little French restaurant they had discovered together a few weeks earlier. Back then, Gail had kept commenting on the pretentiousness of French cuisine and making fun of the names of the courses on the menu, but she kept ordering more food nevertheless. A fact that certainly was in part owed to the size of the portions but also probably had to do in equal part with the almost orgasmic noises that came out of Gail's mouth with every bite. Maybe that's why they apparently made such a memorable impression back then.

"Ah, bonsoir, ladies. Reservation for Stewart Peck, right?" They were greeted by the same waiter that had attended them the first time.

"Right." Gail nodded and turned around to Holly as she took her hand and perked up her eyebrows. He led them to their table in one of the more private corners of the small restaurant, just as Gail had hoped, and waited for them to sit down.

"Mesdames, we are very happy to welcome you again at La Giraffe. My name is Florent and I will be your waiter for the evening." He handed each of them a menu. "Today's specials…"

He was interrupted by an impatient blonde. "Alright, let me stop you right there. Before you continue, could you bring us two Champagne Cocktails, please?" She quickly glanced at Holly who nodded in confirmation.

Florent smiled at Gail. He didn't remember her much different. "Excellent choice. Trés bien." She rolled her eyes at Holly while the young man walked away, but the excitement in her eyes and the wide smile on her face betrayed her. Holly knew that Gail knew very well that she would be enjoying every minute of this. Just like she had the first time.

She poured them each a glass of water before Florent returned with their drinks and was finally allowed to tell them all about the specials and the chef's recommendations. They ordered three entrées and three main dishes – in their defence, the portions really _were_ tiny –, all of them to share, of course, which they knew was frowned upon, but couldn't care less about.

When the waiter finally left them alone, Gail reached over to Holly, encircling her wrist and caressing the soft skin on the inside of her wrist with her thumb, before she slowly traced the back of her hand with her fingertips, each finger, from the knuckle to the tip. Eventually, she rested her hand in Holly's and looked up at the brunette who also tore her eyes away from their entwined hands to meet Gail's. In a matter of seconds, the past year, well, almost year, flashed before her eyes. All the ways in which Gail had looked at her during that time. And she was amazed how far they had come ever since Gail woke up, amazed how far _Gail_ had come. Or maybe, she was simply amazed with Gail. Full stop. The blonde couldn't seem to wipe the huge grin from her face as she eyed Holly intensely.

"You look absolutely amazing, you know that?" Holly moistened her lips and averted her eyes shyly before she met Gail's gaze again.

"Thank you. You know you do too, right?" Gail just shrugged in response as if to say _of course_ and Holly huffed at her jokingly.

"I love you." She didn't say it often, but when she did, it carried so much meaning that it hit Holly with its full force every time.

"I love you too." She smiled back at Gail and squeezed her hand slightly, just before their moment was interrupted by the arrival of the amouse bouche. Holly was only briefly disappointed with the resulting lack of contact – the sight of Gail sighing and rolling back her eyes as she swallowed the miniature food and licked her fingers afterwards certainly made up for it.

They had emptied their cocktails and moved on to white wine when the entrees were served.

"So. Stupid question, I know. But. When and how did you figure out you were a lesbian?"

The question was almost casual, uttered as if she was asking about the weather, while she picked up one of the oysters, sprinkled some lemon on top and put it to her mouth. She waited for a moment, for Holly's eyes to meet hers, before she slurped the oyster out of its shell, all the while eying Holly suggestively. And the look she gave her had the desired effect. It took Holly a short while to collect herself again.

"Why is that a stupid question? It's not like you're asking me whether it's still fun getting dressed for a date. Which by the way I think I've proven it is."

She could play this game too, she thought, while she helped herself to an oyster as well, raised one eyebrow at Gail and smirked at the blonde, who pouted in return. "I am never going to live that down, am I?"

"Probably not." She pulled the soup closer, a smirk still plastered on her face, while Gail placed the lentil dish in front of herself.

"Anyway, while it certainly _is_ fun, it sure does make you tardy." She added with a smirk, thinking back a few hours.

"And since when do you care about that?"

"Oh my god." She rolled back her eyes after taking the first bite of lentils and roasted shallots, followed by a bit of parsnip puree before she dug in again.

"Alright. Back to my stupid question. I don't know. I thought… I mean, we've surely talked about this before."

"Do you remember us talking about it before?"

"No, but…"

"No but. Just no."

After another bite and another moan from Gail, Holly put down her spoon. "Okay. Give me." Gail playfully pulled back the plate as Holly reached out for it, earning a fake gasp of indignation from the other woman, before she willingly gave it up in exchange for the chestnut soup. "You're going to love the soup, believe me."

They each ate a bite before Holly started talking again.

"So. I guess I've always felt like something was different. Different from all my girlfriends. They started talking about boys and how cute they were, and started putting on makeup or wearing accessories and stuff. They started… _caring…_ about that stuff. I didn't. Back then I attributed it to me just being a geek. Preoccupied with the important things in life, you know? Like… studying." It suddenly struck her what a geek she really was and she shook her head at the memory of her younger self.

"You have to get all the ingredients in one bite, Holly. It's going to blow your mind." The way Gail had watched her Holly was sure it wouldn't take the blonde long to comment on _something_.

"Shortly after that, with the start of the knew school year, we got a new English teacher. Mr Farber. Literally all of the girls in my class had a serious crush on him. It made reading Wuthering Heights in class really awkward. Anyway. While everyone was crushing on Mr Farber, I had a crush on our Biology teacher, Mrs Krasinski."

"Could still be blamed on the geekery though."

"Yeah. But no." They both chuckled and Holly followed Gail's orders and prepared a bite of lentils combined with all the other ingredients of the dish under the blonde's watchful eyes. After an approving nod from the other woman, she put the fork in her mouth and she immediately knew what Gail was talking about.

"Oh my God." The blond grinned triumphantly, of course. "See? I told you."

Holly rolled her eyes before she continued with her story. "So that's when I got an idea about what it was exactly that made me feel different. And then, when I was 15, I kissed my first girl. Shawnee."

"Oh God." Gail knew it was stupid and Holly knew it wasn't to be taken too seriously. Still, it made her weirdly giddy to see a glimpse of the green-eyed monster flare up in Gail at the mention of the other woman – well, girl.

"Hey! She was nice. She was one year older than me. We took the same after school club and had the same way home. One day, out of nowhere, she told me she liked girls. I was acting all cool, but inside, I was screaming. I wanted her to tell me all about it, wanted to see whether our thoughts and experiences – not that I'd had any at that point, really – matched up. Wanted to get a glimpse of what my future might hold, in a way. You know?"

They swapped their plates again to finish off the rest of them.

"Anyway. I was too shy to actually ask her about it, of course. But she started telling me anyway. Maybe she realised what I was going through, somehow. And then one day she stopped telling, and just showed me. And I was like, _Okay. Now I get it._ Simple as that."

Swallowing the last bite, the blonde looked up and quirked an eyebrow.

"Simple as that? And what about your parents and all your friends? Was it difficult coming out to them?"

"Honestly? Yes and no. And it was only difficult because I made it this huge problem in my head and was afraid of how people would react. But as I told them, one by one, I realised that most of them didn't have any problem with it. With most of them, nothing changed. I mean sure, my parents didn't know how to deal with it at first, which was mostly funny, really. Watching their back and forth between being supportive and not exactly knowing _how_ to be supportive while at the same time trying really hard to wrap their heads around this new reality."

They moved on to the rest of the oysters which they had left for last, before they finished the rest of their white wine. Florent busied himself with carrying off their dishes and brought them a fresh pair of wine glasses, along with the bottle of red they had ordered to accompany their main courses. He poured the first sip and held it out to Gail to taste, but the blonde passed it on to the other woman. It's not like she was a dilettante – growing up in the Peck household with all those fancy parties surely taught her a thing or two about high quality alcohol – but she knew that Holly was far more picky than her. And of course Holly knew that she knew and smirked at the other woman as she tasted the wine and nodded her okay to the waiter.

They clinked their glasses and let the mellow ruby liquid run down their throats before Holly continued.

"So the truth is, I don't have this difficult coming-out-story and fortunately, I've never had this internal struggle, or any struggle at all, really. I never had to fight for my sexual identity to be accepted by the people around me. It quickly just became a _given_. Which, weirdly enough, made it a little difficult later on, because I always assumed that people just _knew_. And of course they didn't. The people I met in college and med school and stuff. And it didn't come up either, unless I was coincidentally talking about a girl I had a crush on or something. I didn't see any necessity in bringing it up, because to me, it wasn't even remotely any kind of interesting piece of information about myself. So I was accused of obscuring my sexual identity, being ashamed of it, or something."

"Let me guess. Lisa?"

Gail crossed her arms in front of her chest, annoyed at the mere thought of the woman, but Holly just shrugged and threw the blonde an appeasing look.

"Who else? But she wasn't entirely wrong, either. Not about my reasons for not introducing myself as _Holly the lesbian_ , but about the people around me. I mean, just because I don't attach too much importance to it, other people do, or they might. And they feel a little messed around with when they find out after a year or so of hanging out that their friend is actually a lesbian. To them, it actually _is_ an interesting piece of information, and they assume you've been hiding that on purpose. Also, I don't know.. Maybe there is some sort of greater responsibility, you know? To be visible. To maybe make a difference for people who do struggle. So I've made it a point to tell people I think I could be getting close with or become friends with. Which is also why I felt compelled to tell you the day we met."

Florent served their main courses, placing one plate in front of Holly, one in front of Gail, and the third one between them, a little off to the side of the table.

"Didn't I try to kick you out of your crime scene and then called you smelly and was all kinds of annoying? And that made you think _oh, I want to be her friend_?"

"I don't believe in love at first sight. But I don't think I ever only wanted to be your friend. You seemed far too special for that."

"Smooth, Stewart. Real smooth." Gail pointed her fork at the brunette before she dug into the bacon-wrapped venison in front of her, her mouth watering at the buttery meat that was, of course, cooked to the point.

"How did I do it? That whole coming out thing? And, at the risk of repeating myself: Oh. My. God." She pointed at the food on the plate in front of her and earned a happy smile from Holly.

Maybe _happy_ was the wrong word? But no, it wasn't. Holly _was_ happy. Holly was happy that Gail was happy. It had never occurred to her before that Holly was the first person, the only person – as far as she remembered – that felt happiness, genuine happiness, at the mere thought of Gail being happy. She quickly blinked back the sting of tears in her eyes as Holly replied after a brief moment of silence.

"Well… There wasn't really any coming out as such. You just kind of planted me in front of everyone and presented me as a… fait accompli. And to be honest, I don't even think it was a _hey everyone, I'm doing the girls now_ as much as it was a _hey everyone, I'm in a serious relationship_. I think that's what was the actual big news. That only goes for your friends of course. Your parents were a different story. But I never felt like you struggled with that, either. Sure, you dreaded the conversation and its outcome, but I think it was more for their sake than for your own."

"My mom told me she, not surprisingly, didn't exactly have the best of reactions. My dad seemed to be okay with it though."

She watched as Holly prepared the perfect bite of her smoked sturgeon, almost getting too distracted to continue.

"She also told me that I was basically telling them to just suck it." She chuckled to herself. "That I was absolutely sure about this, about you, and that I wouldn't be changing my mind."

A fork was held out in front of her, layered with a bite of the fish, sea urchin linguine, and white wine cream, and she let Holly feed her, again rolling back her eyes and letting a contented moan escape her mouth as she indulged in the perfect combination of flavours and textures.

She took a moment to recollect herself.

"I don't remember ever being _sure_ about anything."

She passed her plate over to Holly, and pulled the third dish closer. Roasted beets with aged goat cheese, toasted hazelnuts, honey and creme fraiche.

"When I was a teenager, I was sure I was bisexual. Sure, I only ever really dated boys, but I certainly took pleasure in looking at girls. I know I found them attractive, a lot of the time even more so than the boys. Then I went through this whole _I don't need labels to define my sexual identity, I'm totally beyond that_ phase." Holly chuckled as Gail rolled her eyes and shook her head at the memory of herself.

A satisfied "wow" escaped Holly's mouth after her first bite of venison.

"I know." Gail nodded and smiled widely.

"The meat is cooked… to… perfection." She chewed down another bite.

"I know." She was happy too.

"And combined with the mushrooms and the artichokes, it's just… _wow_."

" _I know._ " She was happy, because Holly was happy. And she realised that that, too, was a first. That someone else's happiness mattered this much to her. That someone else's happiness was enough for her to be happy herself.

"This one is pretty amazing too, though." She took another bite before she continued her recollection of her teenage years.

"I never said any of that out loud, of course. Mostly I guess because no-one ever thought to ask. Everyone just assumed that I was super-straight Gail, doing all the boys. Which I didn't by the way! I was dating them, but I wasn't sleeping with them. Still, I quickly had a reputation. And the guys knew that of course, and they had certain expectations when they started dating me. They didn't get what they wanted right away so they quickly discarded me. But still, none of them wanted to be the _one_ I _didn't_ do it with. So they kept perpetuating that story. It was kind of fucked up. But anyway, that's not the point now."

She knew that story, of course. But it still made her mad. It made her mad because it wasn't fair. Because it shaped a certain sort of self-perception in Gail that had accompanied her well into her adult life. And because it started a pattern that had as well. And she knew that Gail brushed it off now, that she had grown far beyond that crooked self-perception and the coping mechanism that consisted of just giving people what they expected of her. But she also knew that deep down, it still bothered Gail. It was still something she hadn't entirely managed to let go of.

"In my early twenties, I kind of admitted to myself that I was obviously not bisexual. That all those things I used to think about myself were probably just because I thought it would be _cool_ and edgy and different. But I conceded that I was apparently just a boring heterosexual who dated other boring heterosexuals."

"Swap?" Gail nodded as they exchanged plates once again. She took the smoked sturgeon as she passed the beets on to Holly, who in turn placed that rest of the venison to the side. She noticed how the brunette had left her two bites, two perfectly matched bites, because she knew the blonde had enjoyed it just a tiny little bit more than her.

"What do you think now?"

"Now… I'm _hollysexual_."

She rolled her eyes at Gail, knowing that she wasn't even entirely joking.

"Har har. Come on, seriously though."

Gail mirrored her move from earlier, holding out a perfectly combined bite of the sturgeon with all the other ingredients in front of Holly's face. It was the last bite of the dish and Holly took it gratefully.

"Seriously though? I… I don't think I can picture myself with a guy anymore."

"Well, that's reassuring to know." She feigned annoyance and quickly regretted it as she realised how Gail wasn't entirely sure whether she was actually joking or not.

"No, I'm talking about hypothetically. This is a hypothetical scenario, alright?"

"I know, I know. I'm just messing with you. You want me to leave you some of this?" She pointed at the last bites of beets but Gail shook her head no.

"I'm good with this, thanks." She smile excitedly before the last bite of venison disappeared into her mouth.

"So anyway. Even hypothetically, I don't see myself being attracted to a guy. I don't feel like that's a possibility, you know? It would be like buying second-class off-brand when you can get the real stuff. I guess that makes me a lesbian." Gail stated matter-of-factly before she wiped her mouth and Holly followed suit.

"Well, while the portions _are_ small, you're surprisingly stuffed if you just eat enough of them." She stroked her stomach while leaning back in her chair.

"I don't know. I think there's still room." The blonde smirked and Holly just shook her head in disbelief at the amounts of food Gail could devour without batting an eye.

Florent returned to their table after clearing away all the dirty dishes.

"Can I interest you in some dessert?"

"Piece of cake?" She smirked at Holly, who immediately understood the allusion.

"Two to share?" It earned her the widest smile from Gail and a slight nod. She turned and looked up at the waiter. "Would you bring us the menu again?"

"Bien sur." He bowed his head slightly and walked off.

"Do you think he's even French? Or are they forcing them to be this pretentious?" Holly laughed out loud at Gail's question, to the annoyed looks of the people around them. She was enjoying herself far too much to care though.

"My money is on Montreal. And yes, I think they are."

He returned with the dessert menus and after studying them they ordered the chocolate soufflée, cheesecake with rhubarb and salted caramel chips, assorted cheeses and dessert wines.

They continued the evening in the previous fashion – the conversation kept flowing, as did the alcohol. They enjoyed their desserts – again, audibly so – and each other's company. It was a perfect night out, and Holly loved every second of it. The way Gail devoured the food and kept feeding Holly, insisting she had to try this, had to eat one more bite of that, how she kept topping up her glass. How she kept reaching over to take Holly's hand, to draw patterns on her skin, how every now and then her foot travelled dangerously high up the inside of Holly's thigh. How she gave Holly the full _date_ experience and palpably revelled in this demonstration of being a happy couple, very much in love.

Maybe it was the fact that she was slightly tipsy after all those drinks, plus one more for the road at the bar before they left – alright, maybe _slightly_ tipsy was a bit of an understatement – maybe she didn't know the city as well as she thought, or maybe she was just busy being mindlessly happy as she walked idly, hand in hand with Gail. Whatever the reason, her heart picked up the pace when they exited a narrow pathway and suddenly ended up in a residential area she knew all too well. It was then that she realised that they weren't, in fact, walking around aimlessly. That Gail knew exactly where they were going.

They navigated the streets of the residential area until Gail slowed down and finally came to a stop. She sat down on the little wall to her right and pulled Holly down next to her, so that the house on the other side of the street was right in their view.

Gail regarded the house thoughtfully for a little while, sad that all the windows were dark, that there was no life inside. She turned to face Holly, who followed suit and let the blonde kiss her slowly and deeply.

"Thank you. I had so much fun tonight." She held Holly's gaze.

"Thank _you_. That was all your doing." It was her turn to kiss Gail, just as slowly.

"Yeah yeah." The blonde deflected, as Holly expected she would. She turned back toward the house and fell silent again for a long while.

"Actually, I always do." Holly was ripped from her thoughts. "Huh?"

"Have fun with you." Gail clarified and met Holly's gaze again, the brunette regarding her lovingly before she grinned.

"You're such a sap." She chuckled as Gail kicked her playfully.

Again, there was silence until Gail spoke again.

"Do you know this house?" She pointed at the house in questions, situated right in their view. Holly nodded before she spoke. "I do."

Gail nodded in response. She had expected that answer.

"Well, then you will have heard this story before. But since I don't remember telling it to you, you'll just have to indulge me." Gail shrugged.

"You could tell me your stories a thousand times and I wouldn't grow tired of them." She wanted it to sound casual but realised quickly that her tone was too serious for that. Leave it to Gail to make light of the situation again.

"Who's the sap now, huh?" The blonde snorted.


	28. Chapter 28

_AUTHOR'S NOTE:_

 _Thank you so much for your reviews! You guys are the best!_

 _Date night continues – and it's story time for Gail indeed ;-)_

* * *

 _She was just gathering up her things and threw them in her purse when she stood on the doorsill, knocked lightly, and then sauntered into her office._

 _"Hey you." The other woman said softly, and once again she was reminded of how much she wanted to hear this voice for the rest of her life, how hearing it did unspeakably emotional and disgusting things to her heart – to all parts of her, really. How she knew this very particular tone of voice was for her, and for her only._

 _"Hey. Thanks for picking me up." She met her halfway and pressed several soft kisses on her lips._

 _"Anytime." The blonde smiled as she opened her eyes. "You ready to go?"_

 _"Yep." Holly put on her coat, grabbed her purse and let Gail take her hand and lead her outside._

 _They took an unfamiliar route home, Holly realised briefly as Gail was driving and Holly was telling her about the case she had been working on that day, but she didn't think anything of it. Part of Gail's "training" while growing up was getting to know the city by heart. Which district was she in, which neighbourhood? Which were the major streets in that neighbourhood, what were its demographics? Which way was north? Which was the shortest way from here to wherever? She had hated this constant drill while growing up, but still it was instilled in her and she kept practicing it, honing her skills, to this day. Most of the time she probably didn't even notice she did it, Holly thought. But it wasn't unusual for them to take the back roads or some hidden path on their way from A to B._

 _Suddenly, though, Gail stopped the car in the middle of a residential area and turned off the engine. Holly stopped her account of the day short in the middle of her sentence and looked around in confusion. "Gail? What… Where are we?"_

 _"The Annex." The blonde stated matter-of-factly._

 _"Yeah, I can see that. But… Why exactly are we here?" She raised her eyebrows and looked at her girlfriend._

 _Gail pointed at the house to their left._

 _"I like to come here sometimes and just look at it." Holly waited for a moment to see whether there would be any further explanation. There wasn't._

 _"The… house?" She asked, still completely lost._

 _"Mhm." Gail nodded and let her head sink into the headrest. Still no further explanation._

 _"Gail… Are you a sociopath?" Holly thought that might get a proper response out of her._

 _"Yes. But that's another story." She swatted the blonde on the thigh, finally pulling her out of her stare, as they both chuckled._

 _She smiled softly at the brunette and turned back towards the house, her hands gripping the steering wheel._

 _"My grandparents used to live here."_

 _"Ah. Now we're getting somewhere." Holly nodded in relief, finally being a little less in the dark than she had been so far. She didn't know much about Gail's grandparents, but whenever she talked about them, the way she did told her that they must have been very important to her, that they had been very close. Which wasn't an impression that Gail gave with regard to a lot of people._

 _"I think I told you they died, like, seven years ago." She could see Gail well up with tears._

 _"Yeah. It was an accident." That was all that Gail had said and Holly didn't push any further, unsure whether the blonde would be willing to go into any more detail._

 _"Yeah. A freaking train accident!" She huffed. "I mean, who dies in a freaking train accident, right?!" She shook her head and breathed deeply. "Did you know that most train derailments don't result in any fatalities? Well… this one did." She was fighting the tears._

 _"My grandfather loved trains. So whenever they could, they took the train, wherever they were going." There was a long pensive silence. "It wasn't their time yet. They were too young to die. They were good people, you know? Happy people. I don't know how my mother turned out the way she did with parents like that." More silence._

 _"It wasn't their time to die. I wasn't finished with them yet. I… I didn't get a chance to say goodbye. To say so many things I'm afraid they didn't know." She sobbed quietly, the tears running freely now. It was a rare thing, Gail expressing her frustration, her helplessness, her anger this openly, this genuinely. Without a protective layer of sarcasm or bite or nonchalance. Raw. Holly could literally trace the progress of their relationship through the increasing absence of these coping mechanisms. And what Gail disclosed in those situations always touched her in the deepest of places, took hold of her, filled her with emotions in their purest form. Hurt, anger, happiness, sadness, awe, gratefulness, love._

 _She wanted to reach over and take her hand, but she didn't want to intrude. This was Gail's moment and she had to go through it at her own pace, in her own way._

 _"But the one thing that made it a little easier, a little better maybe, was that they died together, doing something that they loved, sharing something they loved. You know? They loved exploring the country. Sure, they've been to Europe and to Latin America, but what they really loved was just driving through Canada. By train, obviously. So anyway, I kept picturing them, as the train derailed, knowing that this would probably be it, just holding on to each other. And I like to think that they thought that, sure, dying right now sucked, because they still had a long list of places to see, things to do, but at least it would be quick, hopefully, and at least they were together. At least none of them had to go through the ordeal of navigating life without the other. And who gets to say that, right?"_

 _The tears were still falling, but Gail had the hint of a smile on her lips now. She sniffled and wiped the tears from her face before she reached over, intertwined her fingers with Holly's and rested their hands in Holly's lap._

 _"I used to spend a lot of time here when I was a kid. Steve and I both did. The first floor window on the left in the back? That was our room. Steve didn't come over much anymore when he was a teenager, so they eventually turned it into my room. And I never stopped coming over. I even lived here for some time when I had a falling out with my parents and then again after I finished high school. I've always felt more at home here than in my actual home." Holly inhaled sharply._

 _"You lived with them, when…?" She let the rest of the sentence hang in the air._

 _"Yeah." Gail nodded._

 _"I don't think I ever told them that I loved them. I was just always being my usual sarcastic bitch, you know? I just… I really hope they knew." Again, there were tears running down her cheeks. Holly squeezed her hand._

 _"I am positive that they knew. You're not_ ** _that_** _good at keeping your feelings a secret." Gail chuckled as she looked over at Holly briefly._

 _"My parents sold the house after they died and I was so mad at them. I didn't get it. I mean, it's not like I wanted to stay there right after their death, alone, in that big house, but… I don't know. Maybe someday. So why not just rent it out until… I don't know." She inhaled deeply._

 _"I was never one to have big dreams about the future. I never really thought about what my future would look like because I thought that it had already been cut out for me anyway. So there was no room to dream and fantasise. And I also never had this typical girl thing going on where I had my wedding all planned out and where I wanted to have kids, a girl and a boy of course, and a dog, and all that stuff that comes with it. But I realised that whenever I thought about this place, I thought about a life, here. And I had this vague picture in my head of a tyre swing and an inflatable pool in the back yard and of tiny people running around that grew up here, that grew up happy. You know? I guess that's what this place meant to me. Happiness."_

 _There was another contemplative silence and Holly didn't dare say anything, didn't want to rip Gail out of her stream of thoughts._

 _"I abandoned that idea shortly after, with Nick and all that… crap. I mean, maybe that was a nice picture, but it was nothing more but a pipe dream in the end."_

 _Gail fell silent again. She was certain that Holly must have heard the beat of her heart as loud and clear as a marching bass drum during the parade. Maybe this was a bad idea. No. Surely this was a bad idea. Of course Holly loved her. And she loved Holly. And yeah, they were both serious about this relationship and if anyone was a scaredy cat it was her, not Holly. But that was exactly why this would come so unexpected for Holly that the only sane reaction would be to laugh in her face. Right? Right. But now here they were. She closed her eyes and conjured up that image again, her grandparents sitting on the train, holding each other as they contently crashed into their death._

 _"Now, I think I was wrong. I can see that picture again." She felt Holly twitch. Here we go, she thought. But she realised the twitch came from Holly turning her head to look at Gail. The blonde kept staring at the house, not ready yet to meet Holly's eyes, as the brunette held on to her hand a little tighter and put her free hand on top, drawing patterns on the back of Gail's hand._

 _"I believe that there is the possibility of happiness for me. And that maybe there will even be that tyre swing at some point and little people who are as happy as I was when I was here. I believe that I could crash into my death contently someday." She realised how that sounded and quickly added. "Not by myself, I mean…"_

 _She heard a faint chuckle escape Holly's mouth, telling her that she understood. She still didn't dare look at the brunette though, but she hoped – no, she knew – that she wasn't expecting her to. That she was well aware of the magnitude of this confession as it was, that looking at her would be a little more than Gail could handle right now._

 _"So anyway, I've been coming here more frequently lately, and I just wanted you to know that." She nodded to herself, noticing in the corner of her eye, that Holly was no longer looking at her, but instead had her gaze focused on the house again, a soft smile playing around her lips._

 _She brought the blonde's hand up to her mouth and placed several soft, wet kisses on its back. "Thank you." she whispered into her skin._

 _She briefly thought about the ring she had in her purse. The ring that she had been carrying around for weeks now._

 _It was her grandmother's of course. 'Traditionally, I should be giving this to your brother', she'd said, 'to give to a suitable, nice, young lady someday. But I want you to have it. Who knows who you may want to give it to someday.' She was sure her grandmother was talking about a daughter of her own, maybe a granddaughter as well. But the way she phrased it and the meaningful look that accompanied her statement still made her think that maybe her grandmother knew something, suspected something, that Gail hadn't been ready or willing to say out loud at the time._

 _She knew she wanted to give it to Holly, she just didn't know how yet. So she carried it with her wherever she went, just in case she felt like it was the right situation to do it. Not tonight though, she thought. She wanted tonight to be special in its own right._

 _…_

She told her about her grandparents' death, and about their life. About how she lived here, how they knew how to handle her, how she was happy here. Of course, her recount started with tragedy, but Holly loved hearing it nevertheless, because she knew that the tragedy of their death would lead Gail to talk about the happiness in their life. Happiness. That was what Gail exuded whenever she talked about them, about living here, about this house. In fact, the stories of her grandparents were almost the only really happy stories she ever told about her youth.

She left out the tyre swing and the Mini-Gails, or Mini-Hollys, this time, but still, Holly was very aware of the significance of Gail bringing her here.

She took her left hand and kissed it briefly, before tracing her ring finger wither her thumb, from the tip down to where the rings sat. Holly's wedding band and on top of it, a very simple ring topped with a blue-green sapphire. She didn't always wear it, Gail noticed, only put it on for special occasions.

"This used to be my grandmother's, you know?" She smiled at the thought.

"I do." Holly nodded.

Gail tore her gaze away from the ring and turned to look up at Holly. "She would have adored you. They both would. And you would have loved them."

They were both teary-eyed at this point. "I'm sure of it."

"You know, this was the only place I ever considered home. The only place that ever felt like home. Until now. Or, well, recently." She didn't look at the brunette, her eyes fixed on the house, but she held on to her hand firmly.

She could hear the smile on her face as Holly spoke. "I'm glad you do. I mean, it is your home after all. Our place. I'm glad it feels like it too."

"Yeah." Gail nodded thoughtfully and narrowed her eyes, considering for a moment whether she should actually go there. But by now she was sure she could go anywhere with Holly – literally and figuratively. "I'm not actually talking about the apartment, though. Although, don't get me wrong, I _do_ feel at home there. I do." She was quick to clarify. "But… I think I would feel at home anywhere… with you."

She immediately felt Holly's hand on her cheek, guiding her head to face her before the brunette's lips crashed into hers in a sloppy and intense kiss. When their lips parted, Gail leaned her forehead into Holly's. "Why am I not surprised you're into this mushy feelings crap." They both chuckled as Holly pulled away and got up.

"Come on." She pulled Gail up with her.

"What? No, I'm not done sitting here." Gail protested but was quickly pulled in for another kiss. "We can come back and sit here some more a little bit later. Now I need to show you something."


	29. Chapter 29

_AUTHOR'S NOTE:_

 _Hi everyone! After a long absence I am back to reassure you that this story WILL be continued and finished. As some of you have already guessed, I have been suffering from a serious case of writer's block lately (especially when it came to the... 'juicier' part of this chapter ;-)). Also, the weather has been way too nice to spend the days inside, which didn't make things any easier._

 _Anyway, I hope you enjoy this new chapter (even the parts I'm not so happy with – see above...) and I will try not to make you wait this long again for the next one._

 _Also, a sincere thank you to all those of you who have been supporting me with their reviews and messages! It really is encouraging to see that there are people out there that actually like what I put on virtual paper and are waiting to read more of it! Thank you! 3_

* * *

She lead the way towards the house and walked up the path to the front porch. "What are you doing, Holly? I'm pretty sure this is trespassing." Gail said in an agitated whisper as she tried to pull the brunette back.

"I don't think so." She walked up the stairs to the front door, Gail still firmly in tow. Her heart was beating in her throat and she was hoping that Gail didn't notice, trying to cover up her nervousness with cool determination.

"Holly, I don't think there's anyone home. And even if. It's the middle of the night."

Holly turned around to face Gail, her eyes boring into the blonde's.

"Merry Christmas, Gail." She turned back towards the door while Gail shook her head in confusion. "Merry Chris….? What? It's October."

"Yeah well, what can I say? I'm a little early. Or rather, a lot late." She had pulled out her set of keys and opened the door while she spoke. She pushed the door open and activated the flashlight on her phone before she stepped to the side and faced Gail again. She held out her phone to Gail. "You first", she said, as she pointed inside.

The blonde still didn't have the faintest idea what was happening and was still shaking her head at Holly. "Holly, what… What? I… I don't understand."

"Go inside." She put her hand on the small of Gail's back and led the blonde inside the house. They walked through to what used to be the dining room and Gail looked around, illuminating the room with the flashlight, as Holly explained.

"You know how I got you this camera for christmas? Well, that was a last minute makeshift present. You were actually supposed to get… well… _this_. Or rather, a set of keys, that is still sitting at home, wrapped up in a box. But considering the situation back then, I didn't want to overwhelm you or pressure you into anything with a present like this." She followed Gail as she slowly inspected the ground floor and kept talking. "And also, quite selfishly I admit, I wanted us to be _together_ when I gave you the keys. I wanted… I wanted to be a part of it."

Gail turned to face Holly, tears in her eyes.

"You got me… a _house_? _This_ house?" Her voice was barely a whisper and almost broke as the tears threatened to fall.

"Actually, I got _us_ a house. And to be really precise, _we_ got _us_ a house. The mortgage is paid from our joint account. I just made the down payment." As she spoke, her insecurity only grew. What if this was a huge mistake? Buying a house should have been something they should have decided on together, right? Sure, they had been talking about getting a house for some time, before Gail's accident. But ultimately, Gail didn't get a say in it. She tried to shake off her own doubts and focused on Gail, who regarded her in disbelief and shook her head.

"How did you even…?" There were so many things going on in her head that it was hard to form just one precise question.

"You brought me here for the first time about four years ago, and it was clear that you always saw yourself living here at some point. So a few weeks after that I came back and just rang the doorbell. It was a young family that lived here, with two small kids. They seemed really nice. They seemed happy here." She thought Gail would like to hear that. "Anyway, I told them that the house used to be owned by the family and that if they ever thought about moving out or selling it they should get in touch with me first before putting it on the market. And then last year, in the summer, they finally did. She was pregnant again, and they were expecting twins, so they were looking for a bigger place."

They had climbed the stairs to the first floor in the meantime, Gail walking slowly, with deliberation, as if each step held a cherished memory of its own. They peeked into all of the first floor rooms through the open doors, before they eventually entered the last one. The one on the left towards the back of the house. Gail made her way to the window, her hand grazing the cold wall to her right as she went. Holly had kept some distance between herself and Gail all this time, wanting to give the blonde the space to process all this information and the possible resurgence of memories. She stopped in the middle of the room.

"It should have been a birthday present, but it took a while to settle on a price and then it took a little longer than expected until they actually signed the lease for their new house. And they wanted to have that in the bag before they sealed the deal for this one."

She traced the window frame with her fingers and stared out into the dark of the backyard until a thought struck her.

"So when exactly did you sign the lease?" Holly knew immediately what she was getting at of course.

"Just… Shortly after your birthday?" She knew Gail wouldn't be satisfied with a vague answer like that, but there was no harm in trying, right?

"Holly! When?" Even in the darkness she could feel the intensity of Gail's stare.

"December. December 7th." She let her gaze drop to the floor, unsure how to act, and Gail went back to staring out the window. Again, she felt the sting of tears in her eyes.

She let the tears fall silently while she shook her head. "So basically, I move out of our apartment and you go out and buy us a house?"

"I… Look, I know it seems crazy and presumptuous, but I didn't want to let this opportunity slip through our fingers. I thought, what if it's now or never? And I thought, worst case scenario, you get your grandparent's house back. And that would be enough to make it all worth it. I just really…" Suddenly, Gail's face was right in front of hers, her finger pressing on Holly's lips as she shook her head. She saw her eyes glisten with tears.

"No. No. You need to stop, Holly. You…." She sighed heavily. "There are no words for you, you know that? You are your very own kind of absolutely amazing."

She cupped Holly's face with both hands and found her lips with hers, pulling her into a passionate kiss.

"So, this is good? You… You like it?" Holly asked shyly when Gail let go of her lips and the blonde let out a breathy laugh before she pushed the brunette until her back bumped into the wall.

"I love it. And I love you." Her lips found Holly's again and the brunette could taste the salt on them before there was the taste of wine and brandy and Gail's warmth in her mouth. The blonde quickly deepened the kiss and Holly didn't even try to stifle the moan that escaped into Gail's mouth when she placed her leg in between Holly's and pressed into her. Her hands were on Gail's ass immediately, pulling her in to increase contact. She could feel Gail's lips curl up into a smile at Holly's desperation. The blonde pulled back a little and started unbuttoning Holly's shirt.

"You know I've never had sex in this room?" Holly pushed away from the wall and found Gail's lips with hers again, while her shirt was pulled down.

"Oh yeah?" She was pressed back against the wall, her lips still connected with Gail's in a heated kiss.

Her hands wandered back down past the blonde's ass to the hem of her dress. She pulled it up past her hips and in one swift movement lifted Gail up, her legs circling around the brunettes hips. She carried her wife over to the window, set her down on the window sill and quickly pulled down her panties. Gail's hands found the brunette's face and pulled her back in to reconnect their lips while Holly undid the zipper of Gail's dress, pulling it down so that the dress now pooled around the blonde's hips. She freed Gail from her bra and a moan escaped her throat as warm hands cupped her breasts, gently but urgently. She tightened her thighs around Holly's hips to pull her in closer and reached behind the brunette to undo the clasp of her bra. Holly deepened the kiss for a moment before moving her lips further down to tease the blonde's hardened nipples.

"Fuuuuck." Gail sighed as Holly's warm mouth closed around her nipple. Her head fell back against the window as she buried her hands in Holly's hair. After more teasing and sucking and licking and teeth softly grazing the sensitive skin, Holly kissed her way back up to the blonde's exposed neck, her mouth continuing its work there to the sound of pleasure escaping her wife's throat. Her hand slowly moved up the inside of Gail's thighs until she reached the blonde's warm and wet centre. She pulled back a little to find Gail's eyes with hers and kept them in an intense gaze while she slowly pulled her fingers through the blonde's slick folds. The blonde's reaction was immediate. A hiss, her legs shaking, her nails pressing into Holly's skull. The brunette brought up her hand and, holding the blonde's gaze, started licking Gail's wetness off of her fingers.

Gail was about to burst with anticipation. She pulled the brunette in to get a taste of herself, of her wife, seeking maximum contact, as if she wanted to melt with her, become one.

She pulled back to gasp for air and sought out Holly's gaze again, feeling the sting of tears, yet again, as she tried to speak, unsure of whether she was even able to produce a sound.

"I am so fucking in love with you", she rasped, and Holly's reaction was immediate, her tongue pushing into the blonde's mouth as her fingers pushed into her centre. Her fingers moved in and out of the the blonde, curled up inside her, slowly at first. She quickened the pace in time with Gail's breathing, Gail's moaning, into the brunette's mouth. The blonde desperately tried to find purchase as her orgasm built, tried to keep her lips connected to Holly's but failed, let her head fall back against the window, pressed her hands against the window frame to regain her footing. She was sure she left scratchmarks on Holly'a back as she pulled her back in desperately, trying but mostly failing, yet again, to reconnect their lips, their tongues, anything, as her moaning got louder, her breathing and her movements more erratic. It took three more deep, hard thrusts for her to fall apart, her hips flying off the window sill, her weight now fully on Holly as she tumbled over the edge and they both tumbled to the ground, Gail landing on top of the brunette.

"Shit, are you okay?" She whispered with an unsteady voice, once she had caught her breath. "I'm alright, don't worry." Holly chuckled as her fingers moved through the blonde's hair and she pressed a kiss on the top of Gail's head. It took another while for the blonde to regain control of her limbs. When she did, she pushed herself up on both arms and looked down at Holly, shaking her head. "Damn. You are way too good at this." Holly replied with a laugh. "Thank you. Although, maybe it's just that you are way too susceptible to my touch." She raised an eyebrow cockily and got the expected reaction out of the blonde who narrowed her eyes and replied defiantly. "Oh yeah? Well, we'll see whose susceptible to whose touch."

With that, she attacked the brunettes neck with her lips and teeth before she moved on down to take possession of Holly's full and firm breasts. She let her tongue circle the sensitive and already erect nipples slowly, licked across the sensitive tips, applying more and more pressure, until she brought her teeth in the mix, using them carefully to create the mix of pleasure and pain she knew was the ultimate turn-on for Holly. When she felt the muscle's in Holly's stomach spasm and her body writhing underneath her she stopped the teasing and closed her mouth around the nipple, enveloping it in warmth and smoothing her tongue over the teased tip to the guttural moan escaping Holly's throat. She moved back up to kiss the brunette deeply, before she made her way even further down to the hem of her pants, opening the button and the zipper in a swift move and pulling them down, Holly helping by lifting her hips.

"Are you fucking kidding me?!" The blonde huffed as she tried to pull down the pants but only managed to do it about one centimetre at a time. "How tight do they make these pants?"

"I don't remember you ever complaining about them being too tight while I'm wearing them." The brunette chuckled and was met with a scolding look from the blonde.

When she had finally managed to pull them all the way down, she threw Holly's pants to the far corner of the room in an offended gesture and quickly got rid of the last remaining peace of fabric on Holly's body before she stopped to look at the brunette spread out in front of her.

Holly remembered how she was afraid the first time, each first time, for Gail to see her completely naked. Not because she wasn't confident with her body, but because she was afraid that that would be the moment that Gail realised, at the sight of the full display of naked womanhood, that, shit, that girl she was having so much fun with was actually, really, a woman and that, as much that she liked to look at her face or kiss her lips or touch her breasts, that this was just one step too far. Because, sure, she may be open-minded and stuff, but definitely not into women "that way". (And yes, she did speak from experience.) But as she looked into Gail's face, she also remembered this. This look of satisfied awe and the horny sparkle in the blonde's eyes as they roamed across her naked body.

She bent down, spread Holly's legs wider, and started kissing her way up the inside of her thigh until she reached her centre. She drew her tongue through the brunette's swollen lips that were already dripping with her arousal and looked up at the other woman, smirking at the groan that vibrated through her body and the taste of her in her mouth. She bowed back down to repeat the movement, and entered Holly with her tongue when she went back a third time, earning another vociferous expression of approval and causing Holly's hips to fly off the floor and press down into Gail's face.

Her hands moved up to Holly's hips, keeping them firmly in place and on the floor and, being restrained like that, the brunette's hands immediately came down to find Gail's in an attempt to get some kind of additional contact, to find at least some kind of anchor to cushion the desperate need for release.

Gail kept teasing Holly with her tongue, slowly moving it through her folds until she reached the top, drawing teasing circles around her swollen clit, dragging her tongue through the swollen lips again, pushing into Holly with her tongue, sucking on her bundle of nerves.

With each move she felt Holly's body pleading harder for release, felt the brunette writhing in delicious and aroused agony underneath her. And she finally gave in. Keeping one hand interlocked with Holly's and firmly resting on her hip, she released her other hand and used three fingers to enter her slippery opening with ease. She stayed inside her wife, curling her fingers upwards, teasing her pleasure spot, stimulating it only with tiny movements. Having Gail inside her like this, her fingers deeply buried in her, brought Holly dangerously close to the edge. Her breath quickened and her hips were desperately trying to break free.

As soon as Gail's mouth closed around her clit once again, she finally broke, a long and intense orgasm washing over her and having her scream with pleasure, a result which the blonde happily dragged out for as long as possible.

"Well, I guess we've just introduced ourselves to the neighbours." Gail spoke while still catching her breath and they both laughed out loud. They laid side by side in silence for a few minutes before Gail turned towards Holly, pressing a kiss to her shoulder, her collarbone and finally letting Holly taste herself on the blonde's lips one last time. She smirked at the moan that vibrated in Holly's throat.

"So, what's next? When can we move in?" She pushed herself up to her knees and reached for her bra that had landed close to were they had in the end.

"Well, first, we should get the deed changed to have both our names on it."

Holly wasn't ready to get up yet, watching Gail lazily as the other woman pulled her dress up over her shoulders and got up to gather the clothes that were scattered all over the floor.

"Wahhh? So right now, this is just your house?"

"Yep. So you better be nice, lest I change my mind."

Her shirt landed on her face, followed by her bra, and she pulled it down just enough so that she could glare at Gail jokingly.

"Nah. If you haven't changed your mind in the past nine months I'm pretty sure I'm safe now."

The brunette pushed herself up on her elbows and smiled at Gail. She was happy, and sometimes, admittedly, still a little surprised, that they had come this far for Gail to be comfortable uttering thoughts like these. She put on her bra and her shirt while rising to her feet.

"I would have needed your signature for the deed to be in both our names. And since I wanted it to be a surprise… Anyway, the lawyer said it was just a formality to get your name on it. I'll call him first thing on Monday."

"Good. And then we can move in?"

She waited for Gail to pull her panties up and her dress down to pull her in close and kiss her deeply, stopping just short of tearing all the pieces of fabric off the blonde, and herself, again to go for round two. Gail smirked at her as they parted, well aware of the self-restraint the brunette had to exercise.

"Zip me up?" Holly made a face to express her objection to this unreasonable request, marking the definite end of their sexy times for now, but complied anyway while she finally answered Gail's question.

"Not exactly. There is still some work that needs to be done. We had an expert evaluate the house before signing the contract. There was a problem with the roof and some resulting water damage that I've already had fixed. But we need to decide what to do about the floorboards. They are pretty worn down in some places so we need to see whether we want to try and preserve them or whether we put in new ones, in which case we obviously need to decide which ones to put in. The electrical wiring should be renewed, which means that if we want to install extra sockets or anything special, we should do that in one sweep. Also, the railing on the patio is partially rotten and needs to be replaced. But I didn't want to make all those decisions without you. I didn't know what you wanted changed. Whether you wanted anything changed at all."

She was slightly out of breath now, trying to pull up the very tight pair of pants while pointing out all the necessary steps before they could move in.

"Hmkay. So we should come back during the day to check that out. Maybe tomorrow? But we can talk about the rooms already." She was impatiently waiting for Holly to finish getting dressed before she took her hand and pulled her into one of the other rooms, the one with the en-suite bathroom.

"So, this is obviously the master bedroom. A lot of sex will be happening here, so gear up for that." She wiggled her eyebrows and pulled Holly with her again, practically bouncing up the narrow staircase that lead to the finished attic.

"This could be our lounge room, I thought. We could turn this part into a home cinema and also hook up the XBOX of course, and then we could put some armchairs in the corner over there by the window for reading. And we'll have bookshelves all around. What do you think?"

"Sounds good."

Even in the faint light crawling in through the window she could see the excited sparkle in Gail's eyes. The exposed wooden beams gave the room and immediate rustic coziness that made it easy to picture exactly what Gail had in mind.

"Ooor, we could turn this into our bedroom" she wiggled her eyebrows "and turn the master bedroom into a huuuge walk-in closet." She laughed at her wife as the blonde's eyes grew wide at the thought of the walk-in. But the excitement quickly turned into a pensive frown.

"But… then where would the XBOX go? No. This definitely has to be the lounge room." She nodded to herself and Holly and the brunette reacted in kind before they made their way back down. Gail skipped the rest of the rooms on the first floor and went straight down to the ground floor.

"So, down here, the kitchen obviously stays where it is. My grandparents used to have the sitting room over here by the bay window and the big dining room table over there towards the patio. But I also kind of like the idea of doing it the other way around? You know, have the big table right in front of the window? I'm not sure, what do you think? Well, anyway, we don't have to decide right now."

Holly was constantly smiling at Gail skipping around like an excited and impatient puppy. It seemed like the blonde had given this a lot of thought already, even though she had just found out about everything little more than an hour ago. Well of course, Holly thought to herself. The thought of a life in this house had accompanied Gail for far longer than Holly had. So the blonde must have gone through several scenarios with just _someone_ someone, possibly Nick, of how to use the rooms of this house. Scenarios that didn't have anything to do with her specifically.

She let the blonde lead her into the last room on this floor. It was rather small but had a huge window looking out at the back yard.

"And this, I thought, could be your office. You're going to need an office, right? It used to be my grandfather's office. Do you think it's big enough? If not, we can turn one of the smaller bedrooms upstairs into an office for you until we…"

She fell silent abruptly, realising how her mind was already several steps ahead. Sure, Holly married her, bought this house for her, for _them_. Obviously she wanted a future with her. With the old Gail back then and with this Gail, here and now. Most probably, that included having a family, right? For the fraction of a second she was tempted to panic about this question. The question of what would happen if they weren't on the same page about this. But the arising panic was quickly obliterated by the serene conviction that it didn't matter. If they weren't on the same page, they had figured this out before. They had figured out a solution they were both happy with. And they would again. Still, the topic of kids hadn't come up this past year, and now really wasn't the time to throw that in the mix too.

"Or maybe the attic? I can give up our lounge room for my hotshot scientist wife. What do you think?"

She waited for Holly's eyes to meet hers, hoping she didn't catch her almost-slip-up. No. Knowing that she _did_ catch her almost-slip-up and hoping that she would just let it go, at least for now. The brunette's lips curled up into that lopsided smile as she entered Gail's personal space and pressed her body flush into Gail's once again as her hands softly cupped Gail's cheeks.

"I think that your XBOX needs to be staged adequately and I think that I love the idea of the walls of books and the lounge room. And I would love to have my office down here. And I love you."

She topped each of those statements with a firm kiss, letting the last one linger.

Weirdly, Holly had never actually thought about the specifics of how to use which room. Certainly that was at least in part due to the situation they were in when she finally signed the lease. Back then, there seemed to be a very real possibility that they would never share this house. So thinking about specifics might have only lead to even more pain. Mostly, though, she thought, the specifics weren't hers to determine. This was Gail's dream. And sure, as soon as she saw this house, as soon as she toyed with the idea of one day living in it, with Gail, and maybe a bunch of tiny versions of themselves, it became her dream as well. But still, first and foremost, this was Gail's dream, and these decisions were hers to make – or, at the very least, not to be made without her. Still, she found it inevitable to picture them here, picture their life here. Intimate moments, ordinary moments, happy moments. She didn't picture any of the specifics, but she always pictured Gail, pictured them, happy.

They broke the kiss and Gail regarded Holly for a long while, a soft smile on her face, before she pulled the brunette towards the patio, holding her jacket out to her and putting on her own.

"Careful with the railing." Holly pointed at the unstable parts and they moved further down and faced out towards the backyard.

"So, I think we should plant some things here. Maybe some vegetables, like your parents? And we definitely need to plant herbs, fresh herbs."

She leaned back into the warmth of Holly's body, one hand intertwined with Holly's as they rested in her stomach, the other pointing out towards one corner of the yard.

"Fresh herbs?"

The blonde nodded vigorously.

"Yes, for your cooking. We'll need parsley and basil and cilantro and tarragon and…"

"Alright, alright. We'll get all the herbs." Holly chuckled and placed several kisses on the other woman's neck, having perfect access from behind.

"Okay. And we need a big table in the back yard so we can invite people over and have opulent feasts and stuff."

Holly scoffed. "You, Gail Peck, want to invite people over to eat?"

She briefly thought about correcting her, Gail _Stewart_ Peck. She was so full of love for this woman. Quite literally. But she had already taken several plunges tonight, with the comment about Holly being _home_ , the kind-of-slip-up about the children they hadn't even talked about yet, and with calling Holly her wife – not to keep up appearances in front of others, not in a joking manner, not on some sort of meta level and not to refer to their legal status. No, she called Holly her wife because she felt like that was the only way of referring to her that would do her justice, that would do their relationship justice. And doing all of those things, she felt safe with Holly. Still, it was enough plunging for one night and one Gail _Stewart_ Peck.

"Of course not. You will invite people over to eat and I will be grumpy about it and reluctantly sit with them and drink with them and pretend that I am pretending to have a good time while in fact I am actually enjoying every little bit of it."

"Sounds about right."

They stood in silence for a long while, Holly's arms wrapped around Gail's midriff, Gail's temple resting against Holly's cheek, and stared into the dark backyard, lit only by the faint light of the moon. She thought she saw something, and immediately told herself that it was surely nothing. It was just an image her mind was conjuring up. It was far too dark, especially back there, under the trees, to actually see something. But she couldn't get rid of the idea. And the more she looked, the harder she tried to make out that dark spot, the more she was convinced that it was really there.

She reached behind herself to grab Holly's ass and let her hand linger for a moment, feeling the brunette smile, before she pulled out the phone from her back pocket. She turned on the flashlight, hoping its light would reach far enough, would illuminate the corner of the yard enough, for her to be able to make out whether there was really something hanging from the tree.

It was the first thing she had put up, the day after the Millers had moved out.

The flashlight was strong enough and she closed and opened her eyes several times to make sure she wasn't mistaken. A tyre swing.

She turned the flashlight off and placed the phone in Holly's back pocket again before she pulled the brunette impossibly closer and turned her head to place countless wet kisses on Holly's cheek. She didn't say anything else until they left. She didn't need to and Holly didn't either. All they needed was to hold on to each other as they locked the door to their house, walked down their pathway to their street and made their way home.


	30. Chapter 30

She was lounging on the sofa, engrossed in her book, when Holly sat down next to her and handed her a glass of wine.

"Thank you." Gail sat up, placing a brief kiss on Holly's lips, and taking a sip.

"You want to watch a movie later?" It was raining. Perfect weather for a movie night.

"Sure. What did you have in mind?" Holly raised her eyebrows suggestively, an excited grin on her face. She was proud to be able to present Gail with options. Their taste in movies didn't always match up. So she had just spent the last 20 minutes roaming Netflix, adding a number of movies to their watch list that she was sure Gail would like and she could bear. Gail misinterpreted her gesture though.

"No. We are not watching _that_ movie again. I promised to watch it _once_ with you, and I did that. So no. Na-ah. You know I hate it." She shook her head resolutely while giving Holly a pleading look.

The brunette's smile grew wider and wider. She knew which movie the blonde was talking about. "You _do_ hate _that_ movie. And you remember watching it with me?"

"Yeah." Gail just shrugged, as if it was no big deal, and took another sip from her wine.

"Babe, that's great! That's another memory coming back." Holly was kneeling on the sofa now, her hands drumming on Gail's knees in excitement.

"Awesome." The blonde rolled her eyes and returned her attention to her book. Holly wouldn't have it, of course. She lifted Gail's chin and sought out her gaze. "What? Hey. Gail, look at me. What's wrong?"

"Nothing's _wrong_. It's just… So, I remembered yet another benign detail that doesn't get me any closer to the bigger picture. Wow." Another eye roll.

"It is, actually, _wow_." Holly took the book from Gail's hands, placed it face down on the table and turned back towards Gail, her arms crossed. A clear sign of _we are going to have this conversation and there's nothing you can do about it._ Gail knew she wouldn't get out of this one, so she started elaborating.

"I'm sorry, it's just a little hard to get excited about remembering _one_ freaking movie we watched together – and a bad one at that. Or remembering how Chloe cried on my shoulder in the break room, or how I had meat cocktails with the boys, or sitting in a stuffy van with Oliver, eating a candy necklace. Why can't I remember the important stuff? Like what happened between me and my mother? Or how we moved into this apartment together? I want to remember our last big trip, or how I made detective. Or the day of our wedding. I mean, isn't that supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life? Why can't I remember that? Instead, I get meat cocktails and shit." Holly could understand Gail's frustration, but she also knew that if those situations were what Gail remembered, they weren't as meaningless as she thought.

"Hey. Gail. I know that it doesn't seem like much. But maybe those memories aren't as benign as you think? Chloe for example, my guess would be that that was while she and Dov were separated and she needed a shoulder to cry on. The meat cocktails, I remember you telling me about them. It was Chris' idea. He had been going through a really tough time and suggested a cocktail night at the frat house to take his mind off things. And you and Dov were there for him, even though you were tired out and sleep deprived from pulling several all-nighters in a row. So maybe those are memories of you being a good friend, being there for people unconditionally. The people you care about and that care about you." Gail rolled her eyes again, this time in annoyance, because she knew that Holly was probably on to something with her analysis.

"Now, what happened with Oliver and the candy necklace I don't know. But chances are, something of substance _did_ happen. Why don't you ask him about it?"

"Hm." Gail nodded, now a little less frustrated, and a little less annoyed, but still not entirely happy. But she would do that. She would ask Oliver about it. Or maybe it would come back to her anyway. That was usually how it went. In the beginning, it was often just one image, or one remark, or one sensation, that came back to her. But she knew that the rest of the memory was somewhere within reach and just needed to be sought out. Sometimes she tried harder to do so, other times she just took them as they came. She had the feeling that it didn't matter either way though. Some memories she just could flesh out instantly, others she had to wait for. At times she ended up with the memory of one defined situation, like a scene from a movie. Other times, the memories were more scattered. Like that night she went out with Holly for dinner at a steak house and remembered several occasions on which she had steak. At home, at restaurants, at her parents' house. And then there were those memories that would just reappear out of nowhere. They were just there, without Gail noticing them actually coming back. Someone would talk about something and Gail would just _know_ what they were talking about, wouldn't even suspect it was a memory that had been lost, unless someone would point it out to her.

"Fine, you wise and all-knowing oracle. What can you tell me then about you and me, sitting in a car at the Burger King drive-thru? How _substantial_ can that have been?" She challenged Holly, but wore the hint of a grin on her face again. Holly just grinned back for a few seconds before answering.

"Do you remember what we were wearing?" Gail closed her eyes for a few moments, trying to picture it, but failed. She shook her head. "No." Suddenly, she perked up. "Why, is this a dirty memory?"

"No. Well, not exactly." Holly continued after throwing Gail a meaningful look. "So you were wearing a cream-coloured dress covered with white and gold petals. And I was wearing a plum strapless gown. ** _"_**

Gail frowned. "Those were our wedding dresses."

"Yes, they were. Because that was our wedding day." Holly smiled at the memory, while Gail kept frowning and shook her head.

"I've seen the pictures, Holly. We did _not_ get married at the drive-thru." Holly just let out a laugh.

"No. We did not get married at the drive-thru. But, _surprisingly_ , you were hungry. We got to the reception and were of course crowded by all those people, wishing us well, everyone putting drinks in our hands, wanting to toast with us. So after a little while you found me and said if you had to have one more drink or make another five minutes of smalltalk with anyone before getting a bite to eat, you would have to kill someone. And you didn't want to get blood on that pretty dress. Dinner was still a few hours to go, so we got Oliver to distract everyone for us while we got out and drove to the next Burger King. We spent about half an hour in our car, eating fries and drinking milkshakes. Just the two of us, enjoying the peace and quiet before heading back to the reception. And… there were some… sexy times as well." Holly gave her a suggestive and cocky grin.

"Huh. So I do remember our wedding day after all." Gail fell silent for a while before they talked more about their wedding.

After that, they started watching one of the movies Holly had picked. Gail was leaning into Holly, hugging her arm tight. She knew it was in fact one she would like ten minutes in. But her mind kept drifting off instead of paying attention to the movie.

"It was the evening I realised I was absolutely and irrevocably in love with you, and that you were in love with me too." Gail spoke quietly and peered up at the brunette. "Huh?" Holly had been engrossed in the movie and wasn't immediately sure what Gail was talking about. "That dreadful movie." Gail explained and Holly smiled and nodded. "Oh. Yeah." Holly knew that, because one night, when Gail was in a sharing mood, she asked Holly about the moment she knew she loved her, and she told her about hers.

She really did hate that movie with a passion. But Holly loved it. Because somewhere beneath that genius brain of hers there was a hopeless romantic hidden. She hardly let it surface when they were first dating, probably out of fear to scare Gail away. After a while, though, she got more confident, she obviously felt like Gail would be able to handle it, and the romantic in her got out more and more often. She had badgered Gail about watching the movie with her for days on end, and at one point the blonde had finally given in. When she kept on snorting throughout the first minutes of the movie, Holly silenced her with a kiss and said „Just once. I'm only going to make you watch this once." – „But I've seen it before, Holly. I've hated it then and I'm hating it now." Holly put up a finger to Gail's lips. „Shhh. With me. Just watch it once _with me_ , and I promise, I will never ever make you watch it again, ok?" When she saw the way Holly looked at her, pleadingly and full of anticipation at the same time, she understood.

Like Gail, Holly was a person who understood the value of sharing things with the people she cared about. Sharing meant letting someone in, making yourself vulnerable in a way, giving someone a little bit of yourself. Holly loved the movie, and she obviously felt the need to share it with Gail, to share the experience of watching it with Gail. Even though she knew that Gail hated it. She didn't care about that. She didn't want to make Gail love the movie all of a sudden. She didn't care about the fact that Gail certainly judged her for loving that movie. She just wanted her to share in how much _she_ loved the movie.

She understood in that moment that Holly loved her, that she couldn't wait to give more and more of herself to Gail. So Gail leaned back and pulled Holly into her and she watched the movie without (much) huffing and puffing. And as the end credits started to roll, she realised that she felt like hardly any time had gone by. She also realised that most of her attention was not actually directed at the movie, but at Holly. How her body felt against Gail's, how her facial expressions changed depending on the tone of the movie, how she laughed and frowned and smiled deliriously during some scenes, the smell of her hair, the rise and fall of her chest. And as Holly looked up at her, thanked her, and gave her one of those meaningful kisses that you think you'd never forget (unless things go pear-shaped, of course), Gail realised that she would watch this movie every day for the rest of her life with Holly if that's what it took. She realised that she loved that girl that had a knack for sports, and cheesy movies, and nerdy stuff. That girl who she seemingly had so little in common with, but who just appeared in her life one day and fit into each of Gail's creases and nooks with such ease as if she had always been there.

Holly had made good on her promise to never make Gail watch the movie again. But then one day, when Holly had been terribly sick for over a week, Gail told her to get comfortable on the sofa, brought her tea, curled up next to her and popped in the movie to make Holly feel better. And when Holly looked at Gail, pointed her index finger at her and said – mostly delirious from the illness and the medicine and her voice all nasal and snotty – "I have no idea what I did to deserve this. But you should remind me to marry that girl one day!" Gail knew that that's exactly what she was going to do. One day.

"It's still a stupid movie, though. I hope you know that." Gail snarled and pulled Holly out of her thoughts.


	31. Chapter 31

_AUTHOR'S NOTE:_

 _Every time I post a new chapter after a long absence, I expect people to have forgotten about my story. I expect people to not care about it much anymore. I expect people to contest that, well, the story has run its course and my writing has lost its appeal._

 _When I say 'people', I of course mean you guys._

 _And every time I do post a new chapter, I am reminded that I was worrying about nothing, because you welcome me back with open arms each time. And as it happens so often, that gives me a boost in ideas and I guess also writing discipline. It makes me appreciate my own story again and makes me rejoice in working on it again. So, while the end of this story was drawing near, there now is quite a little bit of stuff to get through ;-)_

 _Updates will keep being sporadic for sure, but they will come._

 _Thank you for reading and leaving your reviews!_

* * *

She stood in the bathroom, her hands propped up on the sink. Holly had already left for work, and Gail was getting ready to do the same. She looked at herself in the mirror, stared, really. She thought back to the first few weeks after waking up. Every look in the mirror was a little weird, accompanied by a moment's shock at the sight of herself. She had remembered herself younger. Not that she was looking old now, not in a bad way at least. Yes, the delicate creases around her eyes had gotten a little more numerous, a little deeper maybe, she surely looked a little wiser, a little more mature than she remembered. She looked more like a woman than a girl. Different. Not in a bad way, but still foreign.

Of course, it wasn't just her face that felt foreign, it was everything. Her friends, her family, her _wife_ , her life, herself. It took some time until she slowly started to grow back into her life again. No, that's not quite right. Until she started, little by little, step by step, to _live_ her life again. To strip herself from the conflict between how she remembered herself, and how everyone else remembered her; between the life she remembered and the life she obviously had lived for years. And it was thanks to Holly that she started to take control again, do her own thing, do what felt right. She gave her the safe space she needed to do just that. Even though – Gail supposed – Holly had a greater interest in Gail remembering than anyone else did, she never put any kind of pressure on her. She didn't try to tell her how she was supposed to be or what she was supposed to do. She encouraged her to just do what felt right, what felt natural to her. The more time she spent with Holly, the more she realised that the only thing that Holly really wanted was Gail. The real and authentic Gail. So she decided that that's who she was going to be. At the least, she tried.

She looked down at the shiny object resting on the sink, the same way she had ever since she fished it out of the plastic bag about a month ago – the last item remaining in the bag with the personal belongings that she had on herself the day she was admitted to the hospital. All this time it had felt wrong to wear it. In a way, it still did. Because she didn't remember the moment Holly slipped it on her finger. She didn't remember promising herself to her, promising her forever, in sickness and health, for better or worse. She didn't remember the butterflies just before she walked down the aisle or the song they danced their first dance as a married couple to. She didn't remember getting down on one knee and asking the brunette to marry her.

She looked back up at her reflection, running her fingers through the short strands of blonde hair. It was only a little over a week ago when she handed Holly a pair of scissors, asking her to cut her hair.

"Why?" Holly asked inquisitively, a look of uncertainty and worry on her face. Gail had seen a few pictures from over five years ago, shortly after her and Holly started dating, as she was told. She supposed that there must have been some kind of connection between Holly and the short head of hair she was wearing back then. Something that caused Holly to question the nature of her request. She might ask about it someday. Not today though. That was exactly the point. She answered calmly and with deliberation.

"Because I'm over it. I'm over the last five years." She took Holly's hand in hers, making sure she didn't misunderstand that statement. "I would _love_ to remember them, because they seem to have been very happy years. But I don't. My brain seems to throw me a bone every now and then, but that's it. You know I've tried to remember the big picture, but I just don't. And I can't keep chasing after something that obviously doesn't want to come back to me. And this," she let a strand of long blonde hair slide through her fingers, "every centimetre of this reminds me of all the things I don't remember. And I'm done with it. I can't do it anymore. And honestly? I don't think I need to. My life has turned out pretty good these past months. _We_ have turned out good, right? We're happy. And if those years eventually come back after all, then great. But I need to ring down the curtain on the chase. And I need your help with it." She held the scissors out to Holly again, and this time, she took them.

"Okay." She nodded and accompanied Gail to the bathroom. When she was done she grabbed Gail's chin with her thumb and index finger and turned her head from left to right, scrutinising her work.

"How do you like it?" Gail asked with a hint of insecurity. Holly just tilted her head to the left and smiled, pulling the blonde up from the rim of the bathtub and moving her to the spot in front of he mirror.

"I think you look beautiful. But the real question is: How do you like it?" She regarded herself in the mirror, Holly standing behind her. Her smile grew as their eyes met in the mirror. She turned around, facing Holly, taking her face in her hands and kissing her softly. "I love it. It feels perfect. Thank you."

"You're very welcome." Holly nodded, smiling widely at Gail and leaning in to give her another kiss.

She picked up the ring and weighed it in the palm of her hand. _Plus one forever,_ the engraving said. This she remembered, at least. There were a lot of reasons for which it felt wrong, or at least weird, to wear the ring. And then there was the one reason for which it felt wrong not to wear it: Holly. Holly, who had not once taken off her ring ever since Gail's accident, even when Gail had asked her to, even when she had pushed her away. Holly, who had not once raised doubts about her commitment to Gail. No matter their situation at the time, Holly had always been very clear about the fact that Gail was her wife, that she made a promise to her, and that she was determined to honour that promise, no matter what happened. Christ, Holly bought a fucking house for a wife that didn't want anything to do with her, her faith in Gail being the only thing she had left.

Holly deserved this. She deserved a wife who would wear her wedding ring, Gail knew that. She had known that for quite some time. But something was different now.

Sure, she might not remember the moment she exchanged rings with Holly, but she did remember the most important part of their wedding day. The part where they were willing to do crazy things for each other, the part where they were reminded, yet again, that all they needed was each other. She did remember their relationship, their marriage. Sure, by far not all of it, but bits and pieces that told her so much about them. Most of all, she remembered the last months, the last year, almost. She remembered their first _dates_ after the accident. Well, they probably weren't so much dates as get-togethers during which Holly gave Gail all the time in the world to get to know her – and she herself took the time to get to know Gail, which was weird in a way, Gail supposed. But she noticed how Holly registered every single one of Gail's movements, every twitch of her muscles, every change in her voice. In a way, she watched as Holly fell in love with her over and over again.

And every time she saw Holly, she felt a little more drawn to the brunette, which, in turn, scared her a little. She didn't know whether it was real, genuine affection, or whether what she felt was just what she thought she was supposed to feel. And then that one day, when she wasn't thinking about what was supposed to be, when there was no pressure, when she just simply _was_ , and she looked at Holly screaming and laughing at the same time, and couldn't resist kissing her any longer, she just knew. She knew it was genuine. She knew it was real. She remembered that. She remembered how that kiss tasted like the answer to all questions, how it tasted like home, just like Holly herself felt like home. That was about four months ago. She remembered how every time Holly looked at her, it was with such genuine love and affection, that time and again, it dispersed every single worry that Gail had ever had about Holly having to settle for this version of Gail, out of some sense of obligation, while she was still wishing and hoping and waiting to get her old Gail back. She knew that she, Gail, _this_ Gail, was everything Holly wanted.

And she also knew that she wanted this, her and Holly, forever. That, weren't they already married, she would definitely marry that girl some day. Not tomorrow, sure. But some day. After all, they had only been dating for a few months.

Anyway, that was kind of the last, and maybe the essential, point. It didn't feel like a few months. I didn't feel like they were dating. Holly didn't feel like a girlfriend. Holly felt like a wife. _Her_ wife. _She_ felt like someone's wife, Holly's wife. They felt like forever.

She slipped the ring on her finger, just like she had several times before. But this time... this time, it stayed there.

People saw it, of course, but they chose not to comment on it. Some, Oliver and Traci for example, smirked at her and gave her a pat on the shoulder, but that was as far as it went. Until she met Andy at the coffee station. Andy, who was all _WTF_ and _OMG_ and _What does this mean?_ , as if it was her ring sitting on Gail's finger. The blonde just rolled her eyes at her colleague and turned to leave, but stopped on the door sill. Holly deserved better. She turned around and took a slightly annoyed breath.

"It means, Andy, that I'm serious about Holly. She's in this with me, and I think it's about time that she knows, that _everyone_ knows, that I'm in this with her. For real. For good." It felt good saying it out loud, although she couldn't help but feel a little guilty about the fact that the first person to hear this was Andy and not Holly herself.

"Peck, we've got a crime scene for you!" For once she was grateful to see Duncan popping in his head and saving Gail from the awkward situation that might have waited for her with Andy.

She arrived at the crime scene, a two-storey semi-detached house, nice neighbourhood. She flashed her ID at the officer who had cordoned off the scene and as he lifted the tape to let her through, she was welcomed by Chloe and Chen, one of the new rookies. Chloe had become a quite decent TO, she noticed. Or maybe she just got lucky with this year's batch of rookies. "Talk to me, Chen. What can you tell me?"

"Victim is a white male, late 30s. No sign of forced entry. His business partner found him earlier today when he didn't show up for work or answer his calls. There is... a lot of blood. CSU and your... pathologist are on scene." Gail and Chloe smirked at each other about this little almost-mishap.

"Did he have any family?" They entered the house and tried to stay out of the crime technicians' way.

"Wife and three kids. They were visiting her parents for the week. The wife is on her way back, we'll bring her in for questioning once she gets here. We haven't looked for any other connections yet. I'll get on that once we're back at the station." Chen led the way to the scene of the crime and Gail looked inside the room, seeing Holly crouching over a huge puddle of blood.

"Ok. I'm going to need to speak to his business partner too. Is anyone canvassing the neighbourhood?"

"Not yet, but we requested more uniforms about ten minutes ago." She checked her watch and nodded reaffirmingly.

"Alright, thank you Chen. Good job."

"Thank you, detective. You're welcome." Chloe and Gail exchanged another look, trying not to burst out laughing, before Gail slowly made her way to the body, careful not to step in any evidence, which didn't prove all too easy. At the sound of footsteps, Holly looked up and smiled at Gail.

"Hello, detective!"

"Hey doc! I didn't think you were doing house calls?" Gail threw back, her voice strained at the tiptoeing she was trying to do.

"I'm not, but we're a little short-staffed today, so they asked me to help out. By the way, they've already documented that area, so you can relax." Holly smirked.

"Well, you could have said that earlier." Gail glared good-naturedly.

"So, what do you know?" She crouched down next to Holly once she made it to her, making sure their shoulders touched in the process.

"Liver temp places time of death between 9 and 12 last night. As for cause of death, you can pick one. So far I was able to find seven puncture wounds – hence the excess amount of blood."

"No shit." The blonde muttered.

Holly twisted and turned the body carefully, pointing out the different wounds to Gail.

"Two puncture wounds to the chest, one to the right abdomen, one to the head, one to the left side of his neck, two to the back. Someone really used this guy as a personal punching bag."

"Jesus Christ..." Gail was shocked. She'd always had this morbid fascination with blood and guts and gore. But seeing the reality of it was a whole different story every time.

Holly lifted his arm. "Position and shape of blunt force trauma to the right forearm suggest..."

"...that the killer is left-handed." Gail smirked.

"Exactly." Holly nodded. "As do the angles of his wounds."

"Murder weapon?"

"Something heavy I'd guess from the way the tissue around the wounds looks. Pointy, formed like a pyramid with a square base."

"Well, looks like that was an easy one." Gail said, pointing at the tool set next to the fireplace. "There's one tool missing."

Holly nodded absentmindedly, but all she could look at was the hand pointing towards the fireplace, Gail's hand, her left hand, wearing a ring. Her wedding ring. It took Gail some time to realise what Holly was staring at. They locked eyes for a few long moments, neither of them really knowing what to say, when Chloe barged in, interrupting them.

"They're ready to cart off the body." Gail jumped up at the sound of Chloe's voice.

"Just a second. So. No sign of forced entry. He's in his pyjamas. He must have known the killer pretty well. He lets them in, leads them to the living room, where the killer grabs the tool and swings it at the victim several times. Twice from the front to the chest, once to the abdomen. Then the victim sinks to his knees, when the killer strikes another blow at his head. Then, when he is on the floor, and I suppose already dead, another strike to the neck and two to the back." Holly tried really hard not to stare, but all she could see as Gail imitated the killer's strikes with her left hand was the reflection of her ring. "It certainly was personal, or the killer wouldn't have kept hitting him. Probably not premeditated though, since the killer didn't bring a weapon but just took what they found here. There are no other signs of a struggle though." She stripped on a pair of gloves and picked up one of the other tools from the set next to the fireplace, weighing it in her hand. "Assuming the missing tool was similar in weight, I would assume our killer is a man. I will have taken some strength to wield a weapon this heavy with just one hand."

She placed the tool back in the set and worried her lip between her teeth for a moment before looking at Price and Chen. "Have this dusted for prints and have uniforms scour the area for the missing tool. It's most likely our murder weapon. I'll take a look at the other rooms."

"Alright then." Holly got up as well. "Let's take the body to the morgue." She turned towards Gail. "I'll see you later, Peck?" Gail was a bit taken aback that Holly would pose that as a question, seeing as they lived together and had plans for the weekend. Or maybe she meant later at the morgue?

"Of course. The cabin, remember? Please tell me you've packed already!" She shook her head in bewilderment and smiled at Holly reassuringly. It was the weekend of her birthday, and Gail was adamant that she didn't want a big party this year. So Elaine suggested a family weekend at their cabin. They hadn't been all year, ever since Gail's accident, and after everything she had heard about these gatherings, she thought it might be fun. So she agreed, under the condition that they didn't make a fuss about her birthday and that they would just be hanging out, as they usually would. Holly was allowed to fuss over her birthday, of course, although she was explicitly forbidden to give her any present. Not after the house. So the plan was for Gail and Holly to go to the cabin a day early, spend the better part of Gail's birthday together, just the two of them, before the rest of the family arrived in the evening.

"Right. Of course I did. Ok. Good." The brunette nodded and forced a smile before leaving the crime scene.

Of course there was no time for her to visit the morgue all day. All she could do was send over lackeys to keep her posted on the results. She kept replaying that last exchange between her and Holly in her head all day, not knowing what to make of it exactly. She definitely seemed weird, that was for sure. Weirder than Gail had expected. And that forced smile at the end? Well, maybe she was just unsure how to behave exactly?


	32. Chapter 32

_AUTHOR'S NOTE: Thank you guys for your feedback! It really means a lot to me! I loved the idea of Holly being upset because she didn't get to be a part of it. I loved it so much that I briefly considered rewriting this whole chapter. I eventually decided to stick to what I had written, though. And I hope you'll be able to follow the road I'm going down. I feel a little bit like Holly in this chapter. I know why Holly was weird (in my mind at least), but it's so hard to put it into words that actually make sense. I don't know. I guess I'll just have to leave this in your hands. :-)  
_ _Also, I know this is a short one. The next chapter will most probably be longer. ;-)_

* * *

Of course they were both running late, each of them working on the case until the last minute and having to hand it over to their colleagues for the time of their absence. There was a quick kiss hello when Gail rushed in to throw the last things into her bag while Holly was checking the boxes with food and amenities one last time before they loaded up the car and drove off. Gail busied herself with hooking up her iPod and picking a playlist before she pulled out a bag of chips.

"Dorito?" She held one out to Holly who just shook her head no, intently focusing on the road.

They drove in silence for another ten minutes or so, during which Gail studied Holly's features. Her look was serious, hard. Maybe a little upset, even?

"Look, I'm sorry I was running late. I came home as soon as I could." Maybe that was it. It was worth a try, at least.

"It's okay. I wasn't home much earlier either." Her voice was impassive.

"So you're not mad about that?" She knew it was a long shot.

"I'm not mad about that. I'm… I'm not mad." She kept driving, the same uninterpretable look on her face, and Gail went back to silence.

She knew that somehow, this was about the ring. She had no idea though what Holly's problem could be and hence had absolutely no idea how to start a conversation about it.

"You don't have to wear it, Gail." Holly's voice broke through the silence and Gail was relieved that she finally opened that conversation.

"So this is what you're mad about?" She sat up in the passenger seat and turned towards Holly.

"What? No. I told you, I'm not mad." At least there was some inflection in her voice now.

"Well, you're not happy. I can tell you what happy looks like. It looks like Andy. _She_ was _happy_." Holly opened her mouth, but a reply never came. Gail thought it would be a good idea to get their conversation back on a quieter track. She took a deep breath and continued, softly.

"I know I don't _have_ to wear it. I want to. I love you. I am kinda pretty serious about you. About us. I want to be… your wife." She shrugged and Holly frowned.

"You _are_ my wife." She stared at the brunette for a few seconds, mouth agape.

"What? I… I'm confused. What are we arguing about here?"

Holly's reply was defensive, deflated, maybe a little annoyed. Certainly indicating that she wanted this conversation to be over.

"I'm not trying to argue with you, Gail." She pinched the bridge of her nose. She _was_ annoyed, that much was sure. Annoyed with herself, because she wanted to be happy about Gail wearing the ring. She _was_ happy about Gail wearing the ring. And she knew very well that any grain of doubt was absolutely uncalled for. She knew that and yet she couldn't let go of it completely. And, fuelling her annoyance, she couldn't even pretend and just deal with her problem on her own.

"Well, let me tell you, for not trying, you're actually managing pretty well." Gail shook her head, and fell back into her seat. She sat back up a few minutes later, turning towards Holly.

"Is this about Lisa? Are you thinking I'm wearing the ring because of what she said?"

"No. No, definitely not." She thought she had figured it out, but Holly shook her head with determination, leaving Gail frustrated. "Then what the hell is it?!"

"It… It's really stupid." The brunette huffed.

"Yeah, obviously. Seeing as it's ruining what should have been the start of a great weekend." She expected Holly to elaborate but turned to look out the window when Holly remained silent. After a while she could hear the brunette move around in her seat uncomfortably and clear her throat before continuing her earlier thought.

"It's the last step. The last piece of the puzzle. The last detail that was this obvious reminder of what happened a year ago." Her hands moved up and down the steering wheel nervously.

"And how is it not a good thing to take this last step?" She tried her best to keep her tone free from accusation and hurt.

"It _is_ a good thing. It is an amazing thing, really. You have no idea how much this means to me. How happy this makes me."

"Well, at the risk of repeating myself, you don't seem very happy. In fact, you seem the exact opposite of happy. So you either need to work on your definition of the word or on properly expressing emotions. Because at least one of them is really off."

The brunette bumped her head back against the headrest several times in frustration, knowing that Gail deserved at least the attempt of an explanation, at least some sort of answer, even if it didn't make much sense.

"If I try to explain, will you please hear me out?"

"Well, I kinda don't have a choice. It's not like I'm going to throw myself out of a moving car just to not have to hear you talk. Also, I kinda like your explaining voice." She was happy to detect some lightness in Gail's voice again, to hear the hint of a smirk. And she knew that, even if it didn't seem like much, it had everything to do with trust. Trust that Gail had in herself, and in Holly. The trust that prevented her from conjuring up the worst case scenario in her head and from making up her mind without even considering Holly's perspective. It was something the blonde had had to learn, twice, and Holly appreciated that she had.

"Alright. Okay then. So… I'll start from the beginning." She nodded to encourage herself to continue.

"You know how the last year has been really… difficult, at times. When you pushed me away, it really hurt. I wanted to be there for you, I loved you, I _love_ you, and you wanted to _hang out_ and it kind of… it ripped my heart out."

Gail waited patiently for Holly to continue.

"So I needed to cope somehow. I thought that if I compartmentalised, if I shut out those feelings somehow, it would be easier. That maybe, that way, I wouldn't break. It didn't really work, of course, I soon realised. No matter how much I would try to shield off my heart, no matter how much I would push down my feelings for you, you would always have the power to completely destroy me. And you always have."

She wasn't sure how vivid she should get, not wanting to just drop it all on Gail. But she opted for total honesty.

"But it did work short-term at least. It worked in isolated situations."

"Like?" The blonde regarded her with question.

"Like… Your mother's birthday?" When she noticed Gail nodding slowly in the corner of her eye, she continued.

"But as I said, it didn't work in the great scheme of things. Because every time I looked at you… That's not even true. Every time I _thought_ about you, which was basically all the time, all those feelings were right there, in all their magnitude and with all their might, and it was a new struggle every single time to keep them in check somehow."

She ventured a quick glance at the blonde and found exactly what she expected to find yet hoped she wouldn't – a guilt-ridden face at her recollection of how she was struggling with the fact that Gail couldn't return those feelings.

"Anyway, I luckily didn't have to do that for too long. Because you just swooped in with all your determination and all your openness and you just eliminated every reason for any sort of contingency plan. Whether it was working or not. And ever since, you've eliminated every single reason for doubt, every single reason for me to prepare myself in any way for any kind of hurt."

Reaching over to the passenger seat, she took Gail's hand and entwined their fingers, the blonde giving in to her touch reluctantly. As soon as her hand was placed in the other woman's, she immediately felt so much lighter that she silently berated herself for having tried to keep up this distance until now.

"I didn't realise until today, when I saw you wearing that ring, that this was somehow, subconsciously, the last tiny bit of a fallback I'd been holding on to."

She took another deep breath.

"So this… This is the point of no return."

Again, the blonde turned to look at her with question. Holly was afraid of that. Afraid, that her reasoning didn't make any sense. That all it would do would be to hurt Gail and to fuel her insecurities. She was back to feeling defensive and a little embarrassed. But as she tried to pull her hand out of Gail's hold, the blonde held on tighter, not letting go.

"I know this sounds totally stupid and contrived. I don't even know if the words I said made sense. Even in my head, it's really hard to pin down. And of course I don't doubt you. I haven't doubted you, really. I mean, we got a house! We got a house and a tyre swing and we're excited to move in, _you_ are excited to move in there with _me_ and you love me and I _know_ that. I know that and I feel that and I don't doubt you."

She sighed, hoping her explanations were enough for Gail to understand. Enough for her to get the point she was trying to make and to not take this the wrong way.

"I just… I just need you to be sure, Gail. I guess that's the essence of it. I need you to be sure, and I need you to be ready for this. Because I am not letting you go again. That's just… It's physically impossible. And you won't get a say in this. You keep this ring on, this is it."

She accentuated those last words, trying to really get her point across. The blond chuckled and moved around in her seat so that she was now fully facing Holly. She brought their entwined hands up to place several wet kisses on the back of Holly's hand before she enveloped it entirely with both her hands. She regarded the brunette for a long while, a giant and content smile on her face that she knew Holly could see in the corner of her eye.

"I am sure. I am ready. You don't need a contingency plan, or a fallback, or whatever. I'm sorry to inform you that you are stuck with me. This is it. You and me."

She looked over to the blonde, her smile growing wider and wider. "You and me."

After a while, they could feel the car drift off onto the soft shoulder.

"Okay babe, eyes on the road." Gail broke eye contact and patted her wife's thigh in an attempt to help refocus her attention. The brunette just shrugged guiltily.

"Can I have a Dorito now?"

The blonde grabbed the bag of chips and held one out to Holly.

"You can have all the Doritos you want."


	33. Chapter 33

_AUTHOR'S NOTE:_

 _So today, we're getting a little sappy. I hope you enjoy! :-)_

* * *

"Okay, our room's set up, everything's put away, lasagna is in the oven. I think we're all set." She walked over to the blonde who just finished poking at the wood in the fireplace.

"Yep, got the fire going as well." She grinned at Holly proudly.

"Who knew you could be so _practical_?" Holly winked at Gail as she placed her hands on her hips, feigning indignation.

The brunette was quick to grab the blonde's left hand with her right, entwine their fingers and bring their hands to the small of Gail's back, drawing her in close. They stared into each other's eyes for a long while, swaying from left to right, almost dancing, Holly's smile growing wider as time went by until she suddenly fell serious again. The swaying stopped and her left hand came up to cup Gail's cheek. "I am so fucking in love with you." She echoed Gail's words from a few weeks earlier. She could still feel the impact of those words in every single fibre of her body whenever she thought back to that moment. And she could only hope that they would make Gail feel the same.

Judging by the way her pupils dilated, her lips attacked Holly's and her hands busied themselves with tearing Holly's clothes off, she thought she had succeeded.

…

"God, Holly, you realise how very cliché this is, right?" Her voice was delicate and a little amused as she looked down at the brunette, her left hand tangled in her hair while her right hand stroked through the fur rug underneath her that she hoped wasn't real – although, knowing her parents, it probably was.

The other woman lifted her head from where it had been resting briefly on Gail's belly, placing a lazy kiss on her groin, before she made her way back up to let Gail get a taste of herself, leaving a trail of soft kisses on the light skin glistening with sweat in the light of the fire as she went.

"You know, once we have our own fireplace we can do this all the time. You wanna get one of those fur rugs as well?" Holly grinned cheekily as Gail slapped her on the shoulder playfully. "Oh my God. Please don't!" Holly pretended to consider it for another moment, before she conceded and settled in next to Gail, tangling their legs together.

"Oh shit, the lasagna!" When Gail had processed what Holly had said, the brunette was already halfway over to the kitchen. She sat up to watch Holly's reaction, hoping that their dinner wasn't totally ruined. They had prepared the lasagna at home so there would be no need for any heavy cooking tonight because, truth be told, they surely had different plans. But that also meant that they needed sustenance, so going without dinner wouldn't have been a viable option either.

"Well, the top might be a little crunchy, but if we cut away the burnt edges I think this is totally edible." Holly triumphed and Gail sighed with relief.

"We're not going to bother with plates, right?" Gail grinned. For as much as Holly was such an adult about a lot of things, much more than herself, Gail often thought, she knew when to just not give a shit. "I would eat your lasagna with my bear hands if I had to." She threw back towards the kitchen.

"I'm sure you would." Holly mumbled with amusement as she sticked two forks in the lasagna and carried the whole baking dish, sitting on a wooden board, over to the fireplace. She found the shirt she had been wearing earlier and slipped one arm in when she was sternly cautioned by the blonde.

"What do you think you're doing?" Gail looked at her with bewilderment.

"Um… Putting on my shirt? You want me to find yours?"

"No. And I want you to take that off right now!" She took one of the forks and pointed at the brunette.

"O…kay?" She stripped the sleeve off again and let the shirt drop to the floor.

"Attagirl." Gail grinned triumphantly.

"But, can I at least put on my panties?" Again, Gail shot her a look of complete lack of comprehension. "Why would you do that?"

"Well, what? Do you want me to sit there in front of the fireplace, eating lasagna _naked_?"

Gail frowned and pointed down at her naked self. "Uhm, yeah?! Do you think I will mind your lack of table manners?" Holly rolled her eyes, a grin starting to show on her face. "Do you think you'll make the… whatever is left of whichever animal that used to be… uncomfortable?" Gail had far too much fun doing this. There it was again, the adult in Holly.

"Alright, alright!" Holly conceded.

"But bring the wine too!" Gail was quick to blurt out before Holly could sit down.

"Okay, can we at least not drink that from the bottle?"

"Of course, Holly! We're not hobos." Gail shook her head and they both chuckled as Holly settled in next to Gail, handing her a glass of wine before they both dug in – quite literally.

When they finished the lasagna Holly laid back onto the soft rug. She wrapped her tan legs loosely around Gail's midriff, the blonde stretching her legs out towards the fireplace and leaning her back against the armchair. They made idle conversation, talking about the case from earlier today before they discussed their house, the ideas they had, what they wanted to do next. They hadn't been able to find a contractor to take care of the wiring before the end of January, but they – especially Gail – wanted to move in as soon as possible after that. They decided to renew the floorboards in the first floor landing, the master bedroom and Gail's old room. The rest of the upstairs rooms were still in good shape and Gail wanted to preserve as much of the original parts as possible. They would leave the downstairs floor for some later point in time and conceded that the patio could be fixed with them living there, maybe sometime in the spring.

After settling on that plan, Gail yawned. "I know we had bigger things planned for tonight, but this fire and the lasagna combined work better than an Ambien."

"I know. But if we make it just 40 more minutes I can wish you a happy birthday." She tugged on the blonde's hips with her legs.

"Well, I'll try. But I'm telling you, nerd, you'll have to come up with something worthwhile to keep me up until then." She gave the brunette a suggestive look while her left hand slowly travelled up the golden skin of Holly's thighs.

"Oh, I'm sure I can think of something. Maybe we should move to the bedroom though. That way we can celebrate your birthday in 40 minutes and fall asleep comfortably in 41." Holly got up and placed the fireguard in front of the dying fire before she pulled Gail up to her feet.

"I knew I must have married you for a reason."

The brunette snorted as she led the birthday girl to their bedroom.

"Yeah, this was my unique selling point. Maths and efficiency in sex-sleep-logistics."

…

She woke up to the morning sun warming her face and the feeling that she was being watched. And when she opened her eyes, there she was – the blonde, propped up on her elbow, her free hand resting on Holly's chest. She greeted her with the widest, warmest, most authentic smile she had seen from the blonde ever since the accident.

"Good morning", she hushed as her hand came up to follow the outlines of her jaw before wrapping itself softly around the nape of her neck and leaning down to envelop Holly's lips in a languid, lingering kiss.

"Good morning", the brunette finally rasped happily, her voice still heavy with sleep, and her hand came up to entwine her fingers with Gail's. She felt the hard, cool object around her ring finger, a feeling that she had to get used to once again, but right now a welcome reminder that yesterday wasn't a dream. She checked the clock briefly – it was just past 7. "You're up early." She stated tiredly as she turned towards Gail and rubbed her nose on Gail's chest, like a cat, which made Gail giggle fondly, before kissing the blonde's neck softly.

"Yeah. I woke up and saw you. And then I couldn't just go back to sleep." She bent down to kiss her again, her tongue brushing over Holly's lips with deliberation, eliciting a moan from the brunette. "You're beautiful, you know that?" She whispered as their lips parted reluctantly.

Holly just shook her head and took Gail's face in her hands, locking eyes with her for a long moment. "No. _You're_ beautiful." She pulled the blonde in for another kiss, letting their tongues dance with each other this time.

Gail was the first to let go. She waited for Holly to open her eyes and beamed at her. "I love you."

"I know." The brunette just grinned victoriously.

"Now don't get cocky!" Gail shoved her in the side playfully, before resting her head on Holly's shoulder and moulding her body around her wife's.

"Happy birthday." She pressed several kisses to the blonde's forehead.

"You said that already. Last night." Gail didn't open her eyes while speaking.

"You know, it did sound familiar." She could feel the other woman grinning against her shoulder.

Holly couldn't stop smiling at the blonde's behaviour. Somehow, today, everything was different. It wasn't like this was the first time since the accident that she woke up to these three words from Gail. It wasn't the first time they started their day kissing lazily and staring into each other's eyes, bathed in sunlight, or the first time that Gail had gushed over her or told her she was beautiful. No, Nothing was new, really. But there was something different in the little gestures, in the way she looked at her, in the way she kissed her. Usually, everything felt just the tiniest bit heavy, somewhere in one of the most remote and concealed and increasingly insignificant corners of their relationship. But still, it was there. That dark spot. Like they were both trying to move on, trying to start fresh, trying to live in the here and now and just be happy because it was oh so painfully obvious that they were genuinely in love, but there was always this hint of a shadow that tainted that happiness. Especially on Gail's part. There was always this hint of regret, this hint of guilt at not remembering, this thin veil of uncertainty whether she could just let go of chasing after the lost years. Today, there was nothing of that. Gail just let herself be happy, blissfully happy, she let herself take in the moment in all its beauty without second thought. That remote dark corner had vanished completely out of existence. That's what was different.

"You know," the blonde started, glancing up at Holly. She thought she might have fallen back asleep. She lifted up her left hand. "I thought that this would feel... I don't know... heavier, somehow."

Holly stiffened for a moment, unsure what to say. After a short while, Gail continued. "It doesn't, you know? It feels like it weighs nothing at all. Like it's always been there." Holly pressed a kiss on top of Gail's head as a silent tear rolled down her cheek, escaping Gail's notice.

They lay like that for another ten minutes maybe, just basking in the touch of the other's skin, the sound of the other's breathing, when suddenly...

"Holly?"

"Hmmm." She was pretty sure she knew what was about to come.

"I'm huuuungry." The blonde whined in her cutest fashion.

"I can go make breakfast?" Holly offered.

"Noooo. But you have to stay here!" Gail wrapped her arms and legs around Holly, clinging to her like a baby monkey to its mother, which caused Holly to laugh out loud.

"Well, you can't have both, Gail." She saw the cogwheels in Gail's head turn, looking for a solution.

"Holly." She said in all seriousness. "We need a robot butler." And Holly laughed again, despite the stern look her wife gave her. She knew how this would end. She would of course end up in the kitchen making breakfast, because there were few things that were more dangerous and more annoying – and cuter – than a hungry Gail, especially in the mornings. And Gail would be right there with her, not letting go of her for even a second – until there was finally food on the table, of course. That's how it would be and it's how it had always been on the mornings neither of them had any place to be.

After a few minutes of silently enjoying their breakfast, Gail put down her fork. Holly immediately picked up on the fact that Gail was up to something. "What?" She asked around a bite of pancake as she regarded the blonde with raised eyebrows.

"Is last night's little freak-out over? Like, are you really good?" Holly rolled her eyes, at Gail and at herself. Yeah, she deserved to be teased at least a little for that.

"Yes, Gail, I am _really_ good." She quickly focused back on her plate, blushing slightly, and hoped Gail would do the same and let it go. Instead, the blonde walked over to Holly and straddled her, taking her face in her hands, and locking eyes with her for a long, intense moment, before she leaned in to kiss her.

"There's just one thing... one thing I need to do." She pulled back a little and Holly looked up at her in question.

"Holly Stewart." She cleared her throat. "Holly Stewart-Peck." She grinned. "Because of you, I laugh, I smile, I dare to be happy, I dare to live… again. I feel like with you, I can do anything. _We_ can do anything. Together. I am unconditionally and irrevocably in love with you. I promise to love you and care for you, in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad, and in happiness as well as in sorrow. Basically, you know, at all times." Holly chuckled. "I promise to be faithful and true to you, to shower you with love and affection, and to never take one second we share for granted. I can't wait to grow old with you, and to fall in love with you a little more every day."

"Jesus Christ, Gail!" She hastily tried to wipe away the tears that were running down her cheeks with shaky hands, as she chuckled nervously. "What are you doing to me?" She locked eyes with the blonde, whose wide smile turned into a serious look in an instant.

"I'm sorry. I just needed to say these things. I needed you to know. _I_ needed to know." Holly nodded in understanding and cupped Gail's cheeks with both her hands.

"Gail Stewart-Peck. Five years ago you captured my heart by being exactly who you are. The sweetest, most loving, compassionate, and sensitive person I have ever known, wrapped in the most irresistible forms of sass and snark and combat boots. You have shown me how to love with passion and unconditional acceptance. I promise the rest of my days I'll spend by your side, in sickness and in health, in joy and in sorrow, as well as through the good times and the bad. I promise to love you without reservation, comfort you in times of distress, laugh with you and cry with you, grow with you, always be open and honest with you, and cherish you for as long as we both shall live. I know that you will always be the best part of my day and I will always strive to be yours."

She kept holding Gail's teary gaze with hers until the blonde leaned in to capture her lips with hers. It was a patient kiss. Tender and slow and filled with all the love and affection they had for each other. It was a kiss that ushered in a lifetime of kisses to follow.


	34. Chapter 34

_AUTHOR'S NOTE:_

 _So, a funny thing happened. As I was thinking about how to flesh out some of the following chapters of this story, I was suddenly hit with the urge to finish up another one of my stories, Stand Your Ground._

 _So now I'm not really sure whether I'll finish Stand Your Ground before continuing to work on this story, or whether I'll just keep going back and forth between the two. I'll just have to wait and see where the writing flow will take me._

 _I promise I will do my very best to not make you wait all too long for an update here. I hope this chapter will help tide you over at least a bit – and I do have another chapter containing some smut ready for you as well. But, all in good time ;-)_

 _Anyway, I hope you've all started the new year well and wish you a happy and healthy 2019!_

* * *

Of course, Holly was at an advantage, having her original wedding vows in the back of her head. She considered whether it would be okay to sort of _recycle_ them now but decided to use at least part of them, altering them slightly and adding new parts as she went. After all, at the worst of times they had been through, those vows were what kept her holding on. Well, not the fact that she made those vows so much as the fact that she really, truly meant them.

Watching Gail fall in love with her again, having her love her _again_ , was like a constant déjà vu.

Holly was never one to believe in soul mates. She believed in love, sure. She believed in falling in love. She believed that some people were a better match than others. She believed in chemistry. And she believed in hard work. Falling in love with someone was easy. What came after was the tricky part. The part that required work and compromise. She believed that when you loved someone enough, though, you wouldn't mind the hard work. You wouldn't mind the compromises, because in the end you got away with a plus. With Gail she learned that what came after falling in love hardly required any work or compromise at all. She believed that they had just gotten lucky. So maybe she was wrong. Maybe she had been wrong all along.

After every big step they had taken in their relationship, Holly was patiently waiting and bracing herself for the recoil. Not because she didn't trust Gail. She knew that her girlfriend would come around in the end, even if that required some time. So she waited patiently, calmly. Well, maybe a little anxiously as well. After all, she was only human, and she knew that if Gail jumped out of their tree that she couldn't help but get at least a little hurt in the process. She waited for the recoil because Gail didn't trust herself. Because she was the self-proclaimed cat with a habit of creating emergency situations.

The first one was after they first kissed and Gail introduced her to Chris and her brother, and pushed her away and pulled her back in, and called them the _big gay distraction_ , and certainly freaked out – but in the end she was more running towards Holly than _from_ her. Anyway, those few days were a roller-coaster ride that would have shaken up anyone, so Holly never felt like those momentary lapses from Gail should be given any importance.

The first really huge step was the first time they had sex. They had waited for so long – well, Holly had waited for so long, because, what if Gail didn't like it? Gail loved it of course, judging by the entirety of five times that she gloriously came undone under Holly's touch, squirming and moaning and screaming Holly's name, as she held on to her for dear life. Holly had never felt like this just making someone come. She remembered how close she had been several times, how the wetness between her legs drove her mad, how she was so desperate for release but trying to hold back with all her strength. And then, just when Gail came for the fourth time, she opened her eyes and fixated Holly as her body convulsed and she grinded down on Holly's hand deep and hard, once, twice, three times, until her muscles clenched around Holly's fingers, and Holly was no longer in control of herself. All she needed to explode were those eyes. And afterwards, Gail just smirked cockily and devoted herself to returning at least a few of the orgasms that Holly had given her.

Holly had never found first times particularly good, and didn't really expect them to be mind-blowing in the first place, but that one, that one would still range amongst her all-time top ten with Gail, because the intensity was far beyond that of a first time. Which is why she wasn't all too surprised to find Gail's side of the bed empty the next morning. _Congratulations, you got yourself a runner!_ , she thought to herself. When she entered the kitchen, though, she found Gail making breakfast, and talking about how Holly must have been starving if the ways in which every muscle in Gail's body hurt was any indication, and that she had to make sure they would recharge their batteries in light of what she had planned for the rest of the day. And that was that. No panic, no awkwardness, nothing.

Then there was the first _I love you_ , which Holly was pretty sure would be the stroke that would break the camel's back. She didn't want to be the one to say it first, wanted to leave the ball in Gail's court, wanted her to decide when they would take the next step, but then she just thought – _fuck that_. _If she runs now, we'll deal with it._ The situation was far too beautiful in its simplicity to not say it. Gail had come straight to Holly's place after work – something that had become quite the habit throughout the weeks before. She took a quick shower to wash off the smell of the day and then padded into Holly's kitchen on naked feet, her hair still wet and knotted up into a messy bun, without any make-up, wearing a pair of sweatpants and one of Holly's worn university shirts. She came up behind Holly, just like she always did, placing a few kisses on Holly's neck and breathing in the brunette's scent. That was Gail's thing. Gestures. She was never big with words, at least not when they concerned what she was feeling. But Holly quickly learned to read between the lines, to hear all those things that were unspoken, all those little things that had such a huge impact. And then she _did_ say something. Something she had said before, when they hadn't seen each other for days and nights in a row because their schedule just wouldn't line up; when Holly returned from a 5-day conference in Vancouver; when Gail returned from a weekend spent with her friends. But never in a situation like this. Never when they had just parted ways that same morning. Never in such a soft and casual way, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. And yet, at the same time, it wasn't just an empty phrase. It was the simple and honest truth. _I've missed you_ , she said, and hummed contentedly as her lips found the delicate skin on Holly's neck again. And Holly suddenly, unexpectedly, felt so _loved_ in that inconspicuous, benign moment. So she turned around in the blonde's arms, rested her hands on Gail's shoulders, and just said, trying to imitate Gail's casualness, _I love you_. And they kissed passionately until they were interrupted by the pasta boiling over. The rest of the night was spent as always, with their usual banter, laughter, cuddling on the sofa, making out. Almost as if the _I love you_ had never happened. And for a moment Holly was afraid that that would be Gail's course of action – just ignore what happened earlier. But the next morning she woke up to the blonde's face staring at her, impatiently waiting for her to wake up, to say _I love you, too._

The next big step was the apartment they got together. Gail had basically moved in to Holly's apartment about half a year earlier, but they never actually made it official. All her stuff was at Holly's place – apart from a few clothes she didn't wear anymore, a few books she knew she wouldn't want to read in the near future, and stuff like towels and bed linens that she simply didn't need at Holly's. The only night she had spent at her old place in the course of almost an entire year was when Holly was away at a conference and Gail was drinking with the boys and didn't want to take a cab home – back to Holly's, that is. Everyone knew that paying rent at the frat house was nothing but a waste of money, but Holly never said anything. If it eased Gail's mind on some level, she wouldn't take that from her. And the boys didn't complain about it either, for obvious reasons. With their new, shared apartment though, Gail would have to give up the frat house, since she simply couldn't afford paying for both.

Holly had thought that Gail's reluctance to get the loft based on the price was just a cop out. But then they talked it out, fought it out really, and Holly found out that Gail's only problem really was the money. She loved the apartment, she wanted the apartment, she wanted to live with Holly, but she really couldn't afford half of it, and she sure as hell did not want to feel inferior to Holly if the doctor had to pay the lion's share. And then Holly dropped a comment about where they were obviously headed and that maybe they had to stop thinking in terms of _mine_ and _yours_ , and start thinking in terms of _ours_ , a comment she briefly thought might have taken it too far – but Gail's reply was, without batting an eye, what Holly's suggestions was. And when Holly suggested that each of them would decide individually how much of their salary they could and would want to spend on rent, and when that easily matched up to the total, the decision was made. Still, Holly wouldn't trust the peace until they were actually moved in and Gail was actually, really moved out of the frat house. But again, she was waiting for the recoil in vain.

No matter what came Gail's way, no matter how much she thought that the growing seriousness of their relationship would weigh her down, put too much pressure on her, scare her, make her retreat into her shell, it seemed like every step just made her lighter, lifted off some of the weight from her shoulders, made her find another piece of herself.

Their last big step, of course, was their wedding. And when she woke up the morning after, she found the blonde staring at the wedding band on her hand. She rolled over, kissed her wife's shoulder, and greeted her with a soft _Good morning_ , and Gail just turned to her, a wide happy smile plastered on her face, and returned the greeting.

"You know," she started "I was afraid that this would feel... I don't know... heavy? In a way?"

"Does it?" Holly asked, her eyes so clear and vulnerable and honest that they almost took Gail's breath away. The reply came in a whisper.

"No." She shook her head, mirroring Holly's look. "It doesn't weigh a thing. It feels like it's a part of me."

Holly just grinned and nodded. After all, she knew exactly what Gail was talking about. "I know." Gail leaned in to kiss her wife – a kiss that was full of emotion and yet still so free and light. Then she curled up into a ball and snuggled into Holly, her forehead resting on her wife's chest and wrapping her arms around the brunette's waist. After about five minutes, the blonde groaned.

"Hollyyyy?" The brunette giggled, placing a soft kiss on Gail's head.

"You're hungry." She just couldn't wipe the smile off her face. In some situations, Gail was so predictable. Gail glanced up at her, eyebrows knitted together, giving her the cutest of all looks, and nodded. When Holly turned away from Gail, the blonde's grip on her immediately tightened.

"But you can't go!" She grunted.

"I'm not going anywhere, I'm just getting the phone to call room service." She reassured her wife as she reached for the phone.

"You're a genius!" Gail beamed at her.

After she had placed their order with room service – a little bit of everything, of course – Gail ripped the phone from Holly's hands, giving the guy on the other line clear instructions to have room service unlock the door and carry the food inside, because they would not get out of bed to open the door. And when room service finally knocked, she called him in and told him to leave the trays on the foot end of the bed, explaining that there was no way in hell they would get out of this bed before they had to check out, since they had just gotten married last night, telling him to make sure to lock the door behind him and asking for his name so they could leave a tip for him when they checked out – all the while never letting go of her wife.

When they were alone again, stuffing their faces with food as if they hadn't eaten in days – admittedly, the night _had_ been particularly exhausting – Gail suddenly stopped, regarding Holly thoughtfully.

"What?" Holly asked, grinning at Gail.

"You thought I was going to freak out, didn't you?" Gail's look and tone were suddenly serious, laced with insecurity, but Holly just kept smiling at her.

"You know, I thought you were going to freak out after I first kissed you. I thought you were going to freak out after I told you I loved you. I though you were going to freak out when you had to give up your room at the frat house. But yesterday, I knew that there was absolutely no reason to worry about you freaking out. The only thing I was worried about was crying so hard I wouldn't be able to get through my vows." And with that, breakfast was cut short, and Gail thanked Holly in a number of ways for having faith in her.


	35. Chapter 35

_AUTHOR'S NOTE:_

 _Hey everyone, I'm back after a long hiatus :-) I just finished my other story, Stand Your Ground, and decided to stay in the flow and continue working on this story again. I don't know how long I'll be able to keep that up. There will for sure be longer absences in the future as well – but I will update and I will finish this story eventually._

 _You will notice a little gap in this chapter. Most of this chapter was written quite a long time ago. So when I went back to re-read it now, I realised that some parts of it were just a little too graphic, too explicit, for me to feel comfortable posting them. But since I had already settled on this particular way that the scene would play out, I couldn't picture it any other way either. So you will just have to use your imagination and make the scene what you want it to be ;-)_

* * *

"Well," Gail panted as she climbed off of Holly "that toy you brought sure is quite a bit of fun." She dropped onto her back right next to Holly, catching her breath.

"Yeah?" The brunette unfastened the harness and placed the toy by the foot of the bed, feeling weird to wear it without actively using it.

"Oh yeah. I do prefer the real thing tough." She pressed an innocent kiss to her wife's shoulder.

"Well, I'm sorry I can't serve you with that." Holly quipped sarcastically.

"What?" The blonde picked up on Holly's annoyance. "No, that's not what I meant." She sat back up to straddle the brunette again.  
"I was talking about you. I prefer… you… inside me." She demonstratively played with Holly's fingers.

"Is that so?" The brunette smirked.

"Oh yes. And I prefer those things you do with your lips and your tongue and your teeth." She sucked Holly's index finger into her mouth, letting her teeth graze over the skin before soothing it with her tongue.

"And I prefer the touch of your hands." She released Holly's hands to let the brunette roam the freely across alabaster skin again. "Although, I guess that is actually rather a point in favour of the toy. You having your hands free to do even more of that touching." Her voice had dropped to a deep, sultry whisper by now

"I did enjoy that particular perk as well." The brunette smirked. "So you see? Technically, not a gift, since I'm sure I had just as much fun using it as you did."

Gail fixated her wife and started to move her hips, slowly rocking into to other woman, sensually riding her like she had done just minutes ago.

"I think I need to make sure that that is actually true though."

The brunette swallowed heavily, never breaking eye-contact.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean," Gail ground into the other woman with more force while reaching behind her to grab the strap-on "I want to wear this and use it on you."

She let herself fall forward, her face hovering over Holly's for a moment before she brought her lips to her wife's ears. "Do you think you would like that?"

Again, the brunette gulped as she watched the blonde sit back, immediately rocking into her increasingly wet centre again.

"I think," Holly started, her voice failing her. She cleared her throat. "I think I would like to try."

After dropping back down for an intense kiss, the blonde climbed off the brunette, who helped her put on the harness with the purple toy attached to it.

"Oh wow. It's sort of heavy. And a little… bulky." Gail looked down at the strap-on that was now attached to her crotch and wiggled the toy. "Is this what guys feel like every time? Do they look down at themselves going Oh wow, look at my hard dick. It's so heavy and big." She imitated a man's voice, much to the enjoyment of a laughing Holly.

"Oh my God, you know what? I think that's exactly what they feel like. I mean, I can just picture Nick…"

"You know what, I'd rather you didn't." She pulled hard on the dildo, causing the blonde to jerk forward, catching herself with both hands placed on either side of Holly's head and yet again hovering over the brunette.

"Right. Sorry. Luckily, that is not going to be any problem at all, with you laying there looking like that." She closed the distance between them and started a slow but intense kiss before moving further down to spend quality time with Holly's breasts.

"I want you to turn around." She looked up at her wife who raised her eyebrows and quickly complied, turning to lie on her stomach.  
Her hips were encircled from behind and pulled up by surprisingly strong arms. Her backside made firm contact with Gail's crotch, the dildo being pushed down and out of the way for now by the blonde. Again, she started rocking into the other woman, this time from behind, while her hands travelled across Holly's body. Up her thighs, across Holly's back, pulling her in closer by the hips, exploring her torso and finally making their way to firm breasts and erect nipples again.

"Okay. I will do this slowly. If something is not okay, you'll let me know, right?" She waited for the brunette to nod. "I want you to enjoy this."

She knew that Holly would have objected if she hadn't been comfortable with any of this. She knew that she wouldn't shy away from telling Gail what she liked or didn't like, that she would intervene if something wasn't okay or if Gail hurt her – in a bad way, that is. They did like their sex to be kinky at times, and generally speaking, among the two of them, Holly was the one more inclined to like it rough, giving Gail quite a wide range of options that she could explore. Something that she had never been able to do with any of the men she had slept with and also, to be honest, something she hadn't known she would enjoy this much.

Still, there was something about this position they found themselves in, that gave Gail a feeling of disproportionate power, of a certain subjection on Holly's part that was as exciting and enticing as it was scary. So she just needed to make sure. She needed to make sure that Holly knew that, and she needed to be the one to actively open this conversation.

...

She brought her down slowly, slowing down her thrusts before removing the strap-on altogether, from Holly as well as from her hips.  
She regarded the brunette sprawled out in front of her, still lying on her stomach, her body completely limp now except for isolated twitches every now and then, sweat glistening on her skin, her breathing starting to even out slowly.

She leaned down, leaving a kiss on Holly's butt-cheek before kissing her way up, again clearing the strands of hair sticking to the brunette's face out of the way and peppering kisses on her cheek and neck. She then laid down on top of Holly, her head resting in between the brunette's shoulder blades, and found her wife's left hand with hers before they both drifted off.

They woke up some time later, kissing and cuddling, before there was any talking.

"So, what's your verdict? I'd say the strap-on is approved for selective usage." The blonde grinned and Holly nodded. "I think I agree."

"'Well, this has been an eventful and certainly exhausting 24 hours. I must say, I am just a little grateful we'll have company soon. I honestly don't know how much longer I could keep up with this." The brunette only half-joked, knowing that the blonde wouldn't take it personally.

"Don't worry, Bill and Elaine will save you from their sex-crazed monster of a daughter soon." They both chuckled and kissed briefly before Gail laid back and glanced out the window. Apparently, they had been too busy realising how time went by. "Speaking of, it's gotten dark already. Do you have the time?"

Holly checked the bedside table. "No, sorry, I must have left my phone in the living room."

"Yeah, mine's out in my coat, too. Anyway." Gail sat up, Holly immediately missing the contact and reaching out for the blonde who turned to grin at her wife. She leaned back down for a quick peck before getting up. "I'm sure they'll be here soon. We should get presentable." She winked at the brunette and went to gather up clothes from her bag, throwing on an oversized sleep shirt, more against the sudden cold than for modesty. She had bundled up her clothes in one hand and grabbed the strap-on with the other.

"I'll go take a shower."

"And to get this thing here clean." She clarified as Holly eyed her suggestively.

She stepped out of their room, closed the door behind her and rounded the corner towards the living room, finding a crackling fireplace, a pot sitting on the stove, a few suitcases next to the door and four people grinning at her and looking her up and down. She was quick to cover the strap-on with her clothes, hoping that none of them saw it. No matter how open she was with her sexuality and inappropriate comments about sex practices, she really didn't need her parents picturing this exactly. Or her brother, for that matter.

"Hey, you're here." She stated matter-of-factly.

"We are here." Elaine repeated her daughters statement with a smirk.

Now that that was out of the way, she was suddenly very aware of the fact that she was going commando in a shirt that barely covered her butt. She lowered the pile of clothes in front of her a little, making sure that their sex toy was still well concealed.

"We were… just taking a nap." She pointed towards their room. It wasn't exactly a lie. "I'll go take a shower now." And she bolted towards the bathroom, the four left in the living room barely able to contain their laughter.

Meanwhile, Holly was picking out the clothes she was going to wear that night when she saw Gail's towel still on top of her bag. She grabbed it and swiftly walked out their room into the life-filled living room.

"Gail, you forgot your… Oh. Hi." She waved embarrassedly at everyone, and everyone was waving back at her, wide grins on their faces. As far as she could tell, at least, since she hadn't put on her glasses just yet. Her hair was all over the place, that was for sure.

"Good nap?" Steve asked cheekily, causing Traci to almost choke on the sip of juice she had just taken.

"Shut up." Holly squinted at him, happy and very aware that she was at least wearing panties and had thrown on last night's shirt – even though it was buttoned up very sparingly. She threw the towel at Steve, who barely caught it before it hit his face. "Take that to Gail." She commanded and quickly retreated into their room again.


End file.
